Women do 10 hours more domestic work every week than men, is it because women just don't mind?

[Zenlifeforme]

I want to see what other mums think about gender roles....

Obviously this doesn't apply to single parents.

But for those in couples we women do on average 26 hours of unpaid domestic work a week, including childcare, whereas men on average do 16.
When we are on maternity leave this becomes more like 60 hours as we care for a baby. Which in monetary terms equates to nearly £40k a year (according to the ONS). There are jobs out there where people get good money to care for babies (eg nannies), yet as the actual mother only some of us get paid, and not even a fraction of that amount (eg if we worked before having children we get statutory pay or if we have a good employer they pay us some of our wage for some of the year).

My question is: Why do women do more of this unpaid under valued work in the home?

If we really hated it why dont we do something about it? Arent all humans programmed to want contentment after all, so really do we just not mind the extra work? We do the extra cos actually it's not so bad?

Or maybe it's that all other women we know do more so we just go with our gender stereotype? (cultural). On mat leave every other woman we know just 'gets her head down and gets on with it' so we follow suit, even though we shoulder the majority of the donkey work.

Is it because it's just the way it's always been?

Thoughts, opinions and further questions all very welcome

Thanks

Women are more likely to be SAHM. Some women think their partners don’t do it right. I do very little housework because I work full time and DH is retired now. Before that, I did the majority as I worked part time and had more hours in the day

it's because it won't get done otherwise in many relationships.

I do the majority of the cleaning because (as crazy as it sounds) I enjoy it and I like it doing a certain way. However, my husband will always offer to help and will happily clean if I ask him to do something.

I couldn't live in a tip. I like things reasonably tidy. I didn't used to be very good at arguing back at the complaints that things weren't getting done. I've been programmed to put others first.

What it isn't, and has never been, is that I enjoy doing it 😡.

on average women work less hours so it makes sense

LOL at looking after a baby only taking 60 hours!

I think childcare and housework are very different things! I loved looking after my own kids when they were tiny, my house was like a nurturing childminders with activities to do every day, structure because the youngest napped at a regular time, so the big kid could do crafts or have 1:1 outside time with me. I really wanted to be the one to reduce my hours and spend time with them. I don't feel the same way about laundry and hoovering! We both do it because it needs doing. I do more for all the usual patriarchal reasons!
When I worked less it made sense for me to do the laundry. I get home first so it makes sense for me to cook. He works away a lot do I just get on with things! - easier to plan to do everything myself than plan for some support that gets pulled away.
I don't enjoy cleaning, I enjoy the house being clean! I do enjoy playing and hanging out with my primary aged children.

DH and I both work full time - equal parenting and equal responsibility for home related work. We’re lucky as we have a cleaner twice a week so the house is clean, bedding changed, online food shopping put away etc.

I think it’s probably easier for equality when you both work full time.

Neither myself or DP enjoy cleaning, but I can't stand dirt or a mess in the house. DP would probably let things pile up and then decide to do something about it, whereas I like a routine. Consequently I do more of it, though he will if I -nag- ask him.
He does have more nights away with his work then me, and that also means more work for me.

It could be a range of things:

• more women SAHP so will naturally do more
• more women are part time
• some women enjoy tidying and sorting and find cleaning therapeutic
• some end up doing a double shift where both work full time but woman does more at home
• some have DH/DP that work away
• society conditions us to think of running a household as women's work
• some have men who "help" but seem to need directing to every task
• some are martyrs who are the type of person to argue they are so busy, but then count making their cup of tea and waving children out the door or organising family photos as things for their busy list (both real examples from MN )
• some women think their way is the only way, so even if their DP/DH does a household task to an acceptable standard, woman will sigh and huff and puff about how he hasn't done it right
• some men are useless manchildren or lazy arses and some women accept this behaviour
• some women get into a relationship thinking they can change a manchild or that he will become less lazy once there's a baby

Lots and lots of reasons.

Parker231 intuitively you would think so, but most state show that the more the woman works (employment wise) the less the man does at home. Some of the research is quite old, I wonder if the tide will turn soon! Glad that it works for you, it would make sense for it to work like that for everyone, but most people aren't very logical!

women on average 26 hours of unpaid domestic work a week, including childcare, men on average do 16.

Household where I suppose that's true:

She works PT & is a perfectionist about all things housey
He works FT & lets her do things her way
She does things like post on FBk about "correct ways to load the dishwasher"
She simply doesn't count all the time her H spends ferrying kids to clubs & cheering them on (eg football) as contributing to the childcare. Or time he might spend getting her car to garage & back as part of housework.

They have different priorities.

If we really hated it why dont we do something about it? Arent all humans programmed to want contentment after all, so really do we just not mind the extra work? We do the extra cos actually it's not so bad?

On an average, societal level, it's because patriarchy.

On a personal level (my own) its because other living being suffer if I don't pick up more slack, or I suffer in having to constantly police and nag and manage.

I always wonder where they get their statistics from as I never get asked to fill in any surveys

I think for us it started in maternity leave when I naturally had more time even with looking after the baby. The other part of it is that if my DH was doing it everything would be last minute and more expensive so we’d be at the convenience shop every day, clothes would be damp, we’d live out of the laundry pile. This genuinely wouldn’t bother him and was how he lived before we met but it’s not how I want things to be.

Women are conditioned to think its our responsibility and men are conditioned to think its not their responsibility.

I don’t think women are genetically engineered to hate mess more, but we certainly grow up in a society that tells us to be tidy and clean, whereas if boys as children are mucky, its seen as somehow a positive thing. This will naturally have consequences as an adult.

I wonder how these figures are arrived at - who are their sample population, how were the questions phrased etc etc. Also, sorry OP, but I hate it when domestic work is phrased in monetary value. It becomes rather pointless and vexations because in real life all these tasks are carried out by everybody, whether they work or not, and hardly anyone actually pays that kind of money.

Plus I don’t like the connotation that if there isn’t parity in terms of financial aspects (say husband works for £70k, wife doesn’t but domestic ‘value’ is £40k) the husband can just turn around and say he doesn’t need to do anything because he’s bringing in more. You either value someone’s time and effort, or you don’t.

The value my DH adds by being a SAHD isn’t the money it saves us, but the fact that he is at home , as a dad, for our children.

DH likes to leave everything until his days off, then have a blitz clearing up. I would far rather he cleared up as he went along. I get fed up with having to clear a space to be able to start anything, but I can guarantee if I clear it, he will move stuff from somewhere else to fill the "gap".

DH only thinks about himself, so he'll notice if he has run out of pants. But it doesn't occur to him on Sunday to check whether DD's school uniform and sports kit are clean and ready for the morning.

I was seriously ill and I just stopped doing everything I did at home. DH didn't pick it up. Bills didn't get paid, forms didn't get filled in, nobody had any clothes.

Lastly, other people's instant reaction is "she hasn't cleared up" whether it's your DM, your MIL, the vicar, whoever, so you have that guilt inside that says as he won't do it you have to.

Having said that I have a friend who is the main wage-earner, does everything with her DC, and also does all the cleaning/housework. She actually laughed that her DH had come home drunk, tried to cook, and left mess everywhere that she had to clear up. Mine would have been out on his ear for that.

show that the more the woman works (employment wise) the less the man does at home*
*
Interesting. I've relatively recently gone back to work part time and have slightly increased my hours too. This doesn't seem to have impacted on DH at all. I think maybe because it doesn't change his life at all he hasn't clicked that I'm now doing proportionally more than him as I'm still doing all the stuff I was before too. That's not to say he wasn't doing anything before but technically he should have taken on something from me to balance it out a bit more.

I'm a sahm and have never done more parenting or domestic work than dh, if anything he picks up the slack for me.
If women are doing too much it's because they want to. Some men are useless if you let them be.
If you have boys make sure you raise them to be able to do the necessary things, teach them from a young age, these skills don't come by osmosis.
get them in the habit, so they become things they expect themselves to do.

Fear that men wild rather abandon the family than accept half the drudgery.

Bleak but true.

You need to choose a better man.
One who has been raised by both parents, even after divorce both parents can raise a fully functioning grown up.

Women often significantly overestimate the domestic work they do, as women still believe they should do most of it and when questionnaires like this are sent out many will lie. What woman would admit they nap when the baby naps or that after the kids start school/ they return from work they like to shove the kids in front of the TV and get a takeaway / readymeal for a bit of peace.

For those who are doing an unequal proportion - why and why have you enabled it?

I assume that this is because women work outside the house less hours? My DH works a 50+ hour week and I work about 16 so of course I do more housework. That’s fair imo.

Calling - I agree although I assume if your DH decided to go part time and you full time, he would cover the majority and you’d share in the evenings and weekends?