Experiences from those who weren't sure they wanted a second child. Having a terrible time making a choice

[keabby]

Hi mums. Well where do I start. Lovely 18m DD. I always thought I was one and done. I was blessed with the beautiful baby girl I always wanted. I had an easy pregnancy and delivery but I paid for it in the mental health department. It was 9 months of pure hell with depression and anxiety. Swore I'd never do it again.

Well here I am wavering now and most days I have a good 15 minute cry and get on with my day because it's so mentally taxing trying to figure out what to do. DH is open and positive about another one with the caveat that we figure it out by the time she is 3. Seems like a lot of time but knowing my personality it isn't, and I will be agonizing over it until 11:59PM the night before DD's 3rd birthday.

I love her more than life itself and I don't want to split time with her and another child - I just do not know how. Perhaps that's selfish and silly but it is pure honesty. I am introverted. I am a very good mum to her and I have gobs of energy, love, and patience to spare. I want special aquarium trips with just she and I. I want the special shopping trips alone.

I can see that all changing with another and I don't want to be a miserable and overextended mum to 2 if I can't personally handle it.

You'd think this would have sealed the deal but it hasn't. Now I keep imagining her as a big sister and how much she might enjoy it. I imagine her having a brother or sister long after we're gone. But it's no guarantee is it? That they'd get along as adults. I imagine that perhaps I might like two children to visit when I am old. I'd like to spend Christmas with two DCs. I get so sad when I think of it just being her... and at the same time I feel utter relief as well. I don't know what I'm sad for though. I know for sure that it's because I will never do the baby stage again and she is growing so fast. Is that trying to tell me something?

I do get very concerned that she will grow up and not find a partner and will be alone. Yes there are friends of course but again no guarantee. I am an only child myself and quite enjoyed it. But a lot of children and adults seem not to. A lot of "what ifs" running around.

But reality hits me and it's a feeling of dread. I don't know if this is my gut trying to tell me DON'T DO IT or if it's my anxiety playing up again. I just don't want to make a decision now I'll regret forever.

So mums that were one and done and decided to have another, I am really interested in hearing from you. Would you do it over again? Of course I appreciate hearing from any of you as well. This is so difficult.

Your mental health is number 1. You may find that it improves more over time so you don’t find the thought of another so daunting. Then again, you may not and that’s fine too. Good luck OP

Hi Keabby,

This is such an interesting thread. I too myself have been battling whether to have a second child or not.
As a midwife my son didn't move much in the womb and as he was breech with a short cord this was the reason. I had a planned c section. Painful yes but it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. Breastfeeding was a nice bond and I mixed fed from the beginning. I went back to work after 3 months ( I had too we lived in the Middle East at the time) and I thought it was horrible going back to work but actually it helped. I found being a sahm quite difficult and lived my job at the time.
When me and my husband came back to the uk we split for a short while. Got back tog and decided to have another child. I was 13 weeks pregnant in feb 2017 and decided I didn't want another child. It was a rash decision. Mine and my husband relationship was rocky (now getting divorced) so maybe that was a get feeling I had at the time that our marriage wouldn't last and I would be a single mum of 2 kids. But for me having a termination at 12 weeks and telling my husband at the time I had a miscarriage for me was upsetting coz I had to have a termination, also I lied to my husband, secondly I was out right taking away a chance for my son to have a sibling (and maybe the only chance) but for me it was because I was worried that my mental health wouldn't cope. I loved being a mum and love it still, however my son still doesn't sleep though the night aged 4.5 he can be a handful and I find it exhausting working and being a mum. I didn't have post natal depression but I 💯 see why women do get it. Having children is not easy. It puts a strain on everything and this is why many peoples relationships don't stand the test of time once they have had children.

I look at my son now and think OMG I would love to have a baby now, it would give my son so much joy to be a big brother and I actually think it would calm him down as he would see I have more than him to think about. But the other part of me thinks urghhh morning sickness, heart burn, c section, nappies, night feeds. Possible massive weight gain, sleepless nights again for how long? Can I actually put myself through that again?!!! It's so difficult to answer and more difficult if your not 💯 sure. I would advice you to only have another child if your ready for it. My son will more than likely be an only child and part of me thinks that's really sad but also he is outgoing, had cousins his own age, he will be fine. I can only do it if I really feel like I'm up to it.

I don't know if that helps you. If you have a supportive partner then that is great! And a massive thing as there is money and logistics and so much more to think about with another child but I also think OMG if sue radly I think her name is can have 21 happy children with no alcohol or drug problem then good on her but sometimes we just have to accept our path for what it is. Xxx

My mental health wouldn’t cope with another child. They won’t necessarily be close as adults anyway. Often once they get to secondary school age they have their own friends and don’t want to hang out with a younger sibling. They might emigrate or fall out or die, or marry someone who doesn’t get on with the sibling or want them hanging around all the time. That’s before you even consider the impact on the first child who will only receive half the amount of support, money and time they would have done if they didn’t have a sibling. Most people will have a spouse, a child, or a friend of some sort, they won’t rely on a sibling. If you want a second child then have it for YOU, not for your child.

I'm in the same position as you, I'm just here for the replies

I stayed at one, mainly because of my husband's health but I also felt no overwhelming desire for a second despite having always wanted two before. There were many years when I regretted it very much - ds wanted a sibling desperately for years and years and years, he would wish on birthday cakes and rainbows and I was certain he was wishing for a sibling, it tortured me (but of course he wouldn't tell me, I might have been wrong, at least some of the time). We are both at peace with it now, I would say that from about year 9 onwards it's been fine, but I still look at the family which consists of two of us (my dh is dead) and think it's not enough.

However. My husband's mental health was terribly fragile. I am certain as I can be that if we'd had a second, he would have died earlier and ds would have lost him even younger. In the end, it was a family decision about family health and being an only is very far from the worst thing you can do to a child!

OP I can't even explain how similar your thoughts are to mine. Pretty much identical. My son is also 18 months. I was an only child and loved it. But the guilt I feel for not giving him the chance of a sibling is strong. Then again the selfish part of me does not want to split my time, go back to the awful crying newborn stage and financial desperation all over again. On the other hand the thought of never holding or having a baby again makes me very sad indeed. It's so tough. I am going with the theory that my heart will tell me if/when I'm truly ready. And if it doesn't then I guess that's my answer.

This is a really interesting thread and a lot of what you've written resonates with me. While I didn't experience similar mental health issues, my DD is 18 months and I find myself questioning whether we should have another and whether I actually want another.

I think I must be quite selfish but I too like the one-on-one time I get with my DD - the trips out, playing with her, etc, and wonder whether I actually want to split this with another child and change the dynamic we have. I have some 'me' time atm but not in spades and I'm quite selfish about this. I think it's important to have some time to myself and with my DH and I worry about a second child taking away from this.

We struggled TTC so before we had her I had an all-consuming need for a DC. I wanted her so badly but once I had had her that need felt fufilled to quite a large extent. Sometimes I think I'd like another - I liked being pregnant and all the tiny newborn cuddles, but for the moment I think the part of me that feels 'done' with one DC is larger than the desire to have a second.

I don't know if we'll manage to have a second DC and may struggle TTC like we did the first time round. I think I'm trying to say that if we don't have another, I'd be OK about it, at least for the moment. I might change my mind when she's older and potentially asks for a sibling but for now I'm OK about one. I grew up with a sibling and it was lovely having someone else there. The thought though of the newborn days, the lack of sleep, the impact on relationship with my DH, financial worries, the mum guilt that comes with the inevitable return to work (I'm the main earner) and potentially having to move house to accommodate another DC - it all feels a bit overwhelming atm when we're quite happy as we are with one DC.

Growing up i never realy wanted dc. My mind only changed when i got married in 2014 and went on to have ds in 2016.We decided to try for another dc shortly after. However i was abit like you, i started to become nervous at the thought of how i would cope, i was scared that i would have to split my attention between the 2 and was nervous about how i would go out on my own with 2 dc. I was nervous about these things all through out the pregnancy., and evetualy got diagnosed with serve anxiety. I had dc2 in 2017, exactly 18 months appart. I found it exceptionaly difficult and had to ask family for a lot of help as i didnt leave to house... Unless i absolutly had to because of my anxiety. As the months went on it became alot easier and i found a right balance and routine to share my time. Dc are now 2 and 4. Looking back i would do it all over again, the love between the too siblings and the realationship they have built is so facinating to watch and has been worth it. I now have my anxiety under control. What me and the oh decided to do on accasion when we didnt go out as a family, was 1 of us take 1 of the dc and the other to take dc2 out, this way we both got to spend quality time with each dc. I hope this helps at least a little bit

MH is your priority, get that under control first. If you are still tearful during the day, it says to me that it's not quite there.

I too had the "will I love the 2nd as much as the 1st" thoughts, but I can safely say as soon as they put her on my chest it all fell into place. They both do my head in some days but god I love them so much I could burst.

Good luck!! ❤️

Don't do it because you think your daughter is missing out on something by not having a sibling. There are lots and lots of only children who love being an only child. Do what is best for you, not because you feel guilty for denying her something.

Hope everything goes well.

Op, i am in a different boat because i always sort of assumed I'd have 2 dc but had to start getting my head round the idea of one when dc2 took a while to come along. In the end we have a four year age gap and i love the bones of dd2 but it is a different proposition to what i imagined - the dynamic between the two of them causes more stress than joy tbh - they are always squabbling or rivalling or talking over the top of one another which takes its toll on my patience - i am a much shoutier mum of 2 than 1- but dd2 brings joy all of her own. I do think if your mental health is suffering or there is any chance you will resent dd2 for coming between you and dd1 (which will happen to a certain extent and the sibling relationship won't necessarily make up- it's very different,) then you shouldn't go ahead. I think to go ahead you need to want dc2 for their own sake and despite, not because of, the likely interaction with dd1 as that may well disappoint. I know some siblings have a lovely relationship and my kids do play and entertain each other, but i think they sort of lose as much as they gain if i am truly honest with myself, though i do think it's probably good for them to learn they are not the centre of the universe, harsh lesson though that may be.

I had my DS and was so utterly in love with him I wanted another. I felt on top of the world and just wanted to share this love with another child...
18 months later I was mum to a newborn baby and toddler and my MH issues began.
I can honestly say I didn't really bond with my new baby as I was just so overwhelmed and anxious.Life wasn't as I'd expected and planned. I felt out of my depth.
Dp would have liked a third but no way could I have coped.
My advice would be to take each day at a time. Stop thinking about what ifs and see where life takes you.
If u sure- you're not in the right place.

Until my daughter was 18 months, I was only having one. Between 18 months-2years, I started wavering and spent a long time going back & forth on what I wanted. I’m expecting my second in March

I’m an only child & I certainly didn’t have an unhappy childhood. I had lots of friends & did lots of activities & all the love from my parents! But there was always an element of jealousy when I saw the larger family time my friends had with their siblings. I loved spending time having dinner or days out with larger families, it always seemed so much more fun than days out with just my mum & dad (and occasionally uncles/aunts etc). It got harder as I got older I think. As a young child, I wasn’t remotely bothered, I probably enjoyed the attention but by late primary/high school, I longed to have other children around.

For me, I think this swung my decision in the end. I always said I’d have 4 children, then I got Hyperemesis in my pregnancies & found parenthood a lot harder than I anticipated! My toddler is beautiful & I love her more than anything but she is a poor sleeper & boy am I tired 🙈 so as above, for a long time, I couldn’t see how I could ever go through it all again! But by age two, life was easier & into routine and I loved watching my little girl playing with other children. In the end, I decided I would always regret not having a second as opposed to I think I’ll never regret a second once they are here & part of the family. I know there are no guarantees they’ll get on or be close but equally, they could be the best if friends! One of life’s mysteries!

I think it’s a really hard decision & you absolutely need to consider your mental health. I’ve never really suffered thankfully. There is no rush on these things. I’ll have a 3 year gap but one of my best friends has an 8 year gap & her older child is a fantastic big sister! She dotes on her little brother & is a fantastic source of childcare while my friend is say cooking tea or when we are out having a catch up! She entertains all the kids 😄

I’d advise to just enjoy your little one now & not dwell. Maybe say to yourself you’ll think about it properly again at 2 years & just give your mind a break. 🧡

When I had Dd1 I knew she would be my only. I had her really young. Growing up she had plenty of cousins around to play with.
I met DH at 28, and was very vocal from the beginning that I didn't want anymore kids. Luckily he agreed.

Imagine the shock 10yrs later to find out I was 5mths pregnant with dd2. Dd1 was 23!
Sadly Dd1 died when I was 7mths pregnant with dd2. My pregnancy was full of very mixed emotions.
Dd2 is 4 now, she starts school in August. She has been my reason for living, I know without her surprise arrival I wouldn't be here today.

The very best part of parenting IME has been watching my two DC (2.5 years apart) interacting and growing up together. Days out, holidays, Christmas etc, all the best times made so more special watching them experience things together. Now teens, having a second has been absolutely the right decision. They're less at a loose end on holidays etc, just do things together, and will hopefully support each other as they grow up and eventually when me and DH are long gone.
And I was never fussed about a second.

I want to thank all of you ladies for the replies so far. It's made me feel quite at ease knowing that even though I've got this inner turmoil that other women have been in my shoes. My heart literally aches with love for my DD... I just want to give her the very world, I'd give my own life in a minute if it meant she had a happy, fulfilling, and impactful time on Earth.

I have never felt emotion like this and it's overwhelming. I just want the very best for her but I can't guarantee that can I? Life is so messy and not a second in front of us is guaranteed. All I can do is hope that things work out.

This is 10x more difficult than deciding to have the first DC, by the way, because my very heart and soul, my lovely DD is in the middle of this equation. Oh how I wish I could move forward, confidently and positively, without fear like other women can in this situation, but my brain isn't wired that way!

@ParkheadParadise In tears reading your comment, I cannot imagine your pain. Wish I could reach right through the screen and give you a hug. Life is so full of surprises - and it is so cruel sometimes. Sending all my love.

Op, one thing i remind myself when decisions are difficult is that there's rarely one right answer, just different paths, with different pros and cons, and we plump for one and make the best of it that we possibly can.

@Spied how are you doing now hun? This sounds similar to how I felt with DD at first. I was so overwhelmed and anxious during the pregnancy that I didn't enjoy any of it, I worked, cried, and slept and had a true breakdown when she was born as I was so out of it we hadn't even chosen a name. In a way I think I grieve what could have been, so much of her newborn days I missed because I wasn't "there". Hugs.

@longestlurkerever How do you enjoy the 4 year gap? DH and I were really considering that if we do decide to go ahead. I completely understand everything you say. Though it makes it all the more confusing because I resented becoming pregnant with DD at first - I thought I had made some horrid mistake that was going to ruin my relationship with DH. Of course it wasn't anything like that, but everything I had read about and heard from friends made me think I'd ruined my life. I think I rely a bit too much on outside influences (embarrassing -here I am on mumsnet reinforcing that) and negativity.

I just think it would utterly kill me if DD told me in a few years "I wish I had a brother or sister", as by that time I believe it would be a bit too late for us personally.

I'm counting my blessings with lovely DD and I also believe it would be good for me to see a therapist as there are a lot of emotions jumbled up in my head and I am having trouble deciphering what is true want and what is unhelpful emotion.

@theruffles I can relate. And no, I may think this about myself at times but when I calm down and take my emotion out of it I really don't think it's selfish to want alone time and to not want to share our DDs.

As a child I remember how loved I felt. I remember my dad taking me to the zoo and buying me a little stuffed toy at the end as a way to remember our day, how I cherished those moments. I remember mum watching films with me on the floor covered in blankets as she ran fingers through my hair. I remember leisurely bedtimes and time and resources to pursue my hobbies. I remember a trip overseas in which I got to bring a friend. It was perfect, it really was. I went through a phase at about 8 years old where I desperately wanted a sibling but I soon grew out of it and never really think about my only child status. Even at 31 years old I couldn't be bothered for a sibling. Perhaps the relationship would turn out like that of my cousins and I, we talk on Christmas and that's it.

I just have a bit of a tugging feeling when I think of holidays and God forbid what if the unthinkable were to happen to DD. I also get concerned she might not find a partner. I think things would have been quite a bit different for me if I hadn't. But then again, would that loneliness have been filled with a sibling? Don't know. Those are just some of the thoughts I've had.

Btw, I'm the primary earner as well and I can relate to that guilt, it isn't easy. DH does his very best but I just happened to end up in a more specialized career. It's tough feeling the weight of that vs. wanting to be home sometimes.

@Rosebud1302 I find this quite interesting actually as we are both only children and loved our upbringing - so why do we feel guilty about not giving our DCs a sibling? I know full well all of the advantages of being an only... home is truly a safe haven, more financial freedom for the parents and in turn a lot of unique opportunities, lots of individual attention, more time all around.

I think perhaps I feel this way because I imagine DH and myself dying and the pain that my DD will feel, in those moments I wonder if she would have liked a sibling to share the grief.

But at the same time, my nan passed away last September. My mum did all the care. My aunt lives far away so she really couldn't. And I asked my mum, are you glad you have your sister for support? She said "No, because she isn't a support, she just doesn't understand what's involved. And if I want emotional support I'd much rather talk to a friend. I love her and she's my sister but we're such different people" Harsh a bit, but I completely see the truth in it!

To be honest I'd take any wish like that with the same pinch of salt that I'd take "i wish i was an only child". Kids say stuff they only fleetingly mean all the time

4 year gap.... Well it's all i know and, as i said, i try to remember there is no one right path. It was nice to really be able to enjoy dd2's babyhood and give her the same start i gave dd1, without guilt because dd1 was at school. It's nice to prolong the little kid stage rather than it all go by in a blur, or suddenly finding yourself wanting a dc3 to relive the baby stage!

Logistically things could be easier - this year dd2 started school and it's surprising how nice it is to have them in one place, with shared references - it would in some ways have been nice to get to this point sooner, and it'd be easier in some wsys if they were able to do the same clubs and activities more often. But they still play together - they're actually best left entirely to their own devices - they find a lot of common ground and i like that playing like this stops dd1 growing up too fast, but the competition between them is quite intense and dd1 is openly jealous of dd2 and thinks we let her get away with murder, and doesn't really undersrand that you can't have the same expectations of a toddler. I can often see both sides of their disagreements but there's no easy answer and it's wearing on the nerves.

So, pros and cons! But i was ttc for close to two years and had 3 mcs along the way, and I had all sorts of missed deadlines in my head about ideal age gaps and once dd2 was actually here none of that seemed to matter really.

@PermanentTemporary I'm so sorry to hear about your DH, wish I could give you a big hug. For some reason when I think of our family of 3 it doesn't seem big enough, but when I imagine a family of 4 it almost seems too big, too chaotic. Maybe one of those tough things in life is that I have to work on accepting that what I envision might not be the best thing for me, but on the opposite end of things, life won't always be this sweet with my DD... she will grow, things will change. Part of life is accepting the bad with the good but it's easier said than done. Sending you lots of love.

Your post puts in words exactly what I struggle with each day!

I too have a beautiful 19 month old DD. I adore her but she is such hard work, and I’m scared I’ll get another baby with colic- who doesn’t sleep for a year. I think it would break us and DD would suffer.

I think if we did have another child. I would plan it for when DD starts school. It means I’d get quality time with the new baby, get to spend maternity leave doing all pick ups/ drop offs. Then I could make sure that I have time with DD too. My niece is 4 years older than my little girl and it’s lovely to see them playing together.

It’s a hard choice though. I’m fortunate that I had DD fairly young so I’ve got time to think it through. I think this is one of those things that, you have to be all in and when the time is right you’ll know. For now I’m just enjoying my little girl and trying not to feel any pressure. Small age gaps can’t work for everyone- it sounds like you are being way too hard on yourself.