Experiences from those who weren't sure they wanted a second child. Having a terrible time making a choice

[keabby]

Hi mums. Well where do I start. Lovely 18m DD. I always thought I was one and done. I was blessed with the beautiful baby girl I always wanted. I had an easy pregnancy and delivery but I paid for it in the mental health department. It was 9 months of pure hell with depression and anxiety. Swore I'd never do it again.

Well here I am wavering now and most days I have a good 15 minute cry and get on with my day because it's so mentally taxing trying to figure out what to do. DH is open and positive about another one with the caveat that we figure it out by the time she is 3. Seems like a lot of time but knowing my personality it isn't, and I will be agonizing over it until 11:59PM the night before DD's 3rd birthday.

I love her more than life itself and I don't want to split time with her and another child - I just do not know how. Perhaps that's selfish and silly but it is pure honesty. I am introverted. I am a very good mum to her and I have gobs of energy, love, and patience to spare. I want special aquarium trips with just she and I. I want the special shopping trips alone.

I can see that all changing with another and I don't want to be a miserable and overextended mum to 2 if I can't personally handle it.

You'd think this would have sealed the deal but it hasn't. Now I keep imagining her as a big sister and how much she might enjoy it. I imagine her having a brother or sister long after we're gone. But it's no guarantee is it? That they'd get along as adults. I imagine that perhaps I might like two children to visit when I am old. I'd like to spend Christmas with two DCs. I get so sad when I think of it just being her... and at the same time I feel utter relief as well. I don't know what I'm sad for though. I know for sure that it's because I will never do the baby stage again and she is growing so fast. Is that trying to tell me something?

I do get very concerned that she will grow up and not find a partner and will be alone. Yes there are friends of course but again no guarantee. I am an only child myself and quite enjoyed it. But a lot of children and adults seem not to. A lot of "what ifs" running around.

But reality hits me and it's a feeling of dread. I don't know if this is my gut trying to tell me DON'T DO IT or if it's my anxiety playing up again. I just don't want to make a decision now I'll regret forever.

So mums that were one and done and decided to have another, I am really interested in hearing from you. Would you do it over again? Of course I appreciate hearing from any of you as well. This is so difficult.

@LondonernotinLondon thank you for sharing your story and for being so honest and open! I can't relate to how difficult that must have been but similarly, I was considering a termination with DD because I was just so anxious and overwhelmed that I thought I had done some sort of irreversible damage to the both of us anyway so we might have both been better off. Thank goodness of course none of that came true but in those moments, if I would have had the strength to go get a termination and keep it to myself I would have. It was a horrible time in my life and up until recently I couldn't even think of it without panicking.

You're right that sometimes we just have to accept our path. I too have those feelings about can I physically do this again... DD is 18 months and not sleeping through and once if not twice a night I have to get up, give her milk, cuddle her a bit to get her to go back to sleep as she's kicking about and crying. No way can I do it again if I'm not in a good state of mind during the pregnancy... can I imagine doing that in my third trimester with heartburn and regular pregnancy exhaustion! Of course DH is there to help in my case but I take the nighttime stuff as he gets up early for work.

I'll always wonder what might have been if we don't have another though... I just hope whatever happens I am doing the right thing. Screw all the sleepless nights and toddler tantrums and skinned up chins (DD fell out on the snow at the daycare and busted open her lip today, ugh I feel horrible looking at her all scratched up) but that's easy compared to guilt and wondering if you're doing the best for them!

@keabby you are right about the situation with me and my OH dying. Certain relatives of mine make a big point in saying "oh but you don't want DS to be alone when you are no longer here. That isn't fair or nice" which puts awful guilt in me. He has no cousins his age and is unlikely to have any at any point soon so it would be friends he would rely on. But like you say, the memories of me and my parents having just the most amazing times together resonate so strongly in me. I also don't have any cousins so I will be in the same situation as my son when, god forbid, my parents do pass on. I can't deny that it worries me a lot. But I don't think we can base our decision purely on that. It has to be right for ALL of us. Like someone else said, there are far far worse things than growing up as an only child.

I’m an only child & I certainly didn’t have an unhappy childhood. I had lots of friends & did lots of activities & all the love from my parents! But there was always an element of jealousy when I saw the larger family time my friends had with their siblings. I loved spending time having dinner or days out with larger families, it always seemed so much more fun than days out with just my mum & dad (and occasionally uncles/aunts etc).

I think the grass always seems greener on the other side. It’s funny that the poster above talks about being jealous of friends in larger families, as I was one of those families growing up. We were a family of five and I can remember wishing I was an only child, and always wanting to have more 1-2-1 time with my mum. There’s a lot of compromising that needs to be done in a larger family, and there’s no guarantees in the long run you’ll get on with your siblings.

My DH also comes from a large family (5 children), and said he often felt the same. Money was very tight for them and he feels he missed out on a lot although he had a relatively happy childhood. As a consequence of coming from large families we’ve only had one DC 😂 😐........as have most of DH’s siblings. We enjoy our life with our DC and i have to say it’s an easy life as we only have the three of us to think about. We are lucky in that she has a few cousins of the same age so we do Christmas/Easter/holidays with them plus sleepovers. It’s the best of both worlds in my opinion.

If you’ve got time on your side Op maybe wait a while and see how you feel in a years time.

I'm a bit like you I have one baby girl (well she's 22 months now) and after her birth I suffered terribly with post natal depression. As a result I said I wouldn't be able to put myself through it again however now I am better and although I will never ever forgot the awful experience I had after having her with my mental state I do feel like I'm strong enough now to be better equipped to get through it again. I always wanted two children and would love for her to have a brother or sister. I now have a better idea of what to expect after birth and I also now know if I do get PND again it won't last forever and I need to get help quicker. Just because you have had PND once doesn't mean you will get it again. Good luck whatever you decide to do!

@Rosebud1302 I've been thinking a lot about this today and I truly think that you and I do not have anything to feel guilty about. I think those that say it's "cruel" to "leave DS alone" truly don't understand how life works in much more than a general sense. There's so much more to it than that.

It's this I think, when a woman becomes a mum the wires in her brain get all tangled and her emotions and internal guilt-meter go on the blink even when it's unwarranted. Boy I wish I could undo that physiological change as I would be a lot happier!

I was just thinking to myself this morning "So I am thinking of having another child, going through the pregnancy, delivery, sleepless nights, possible debilitating PND again, breastfeeding, pumping, up the back blowouts, tantrums, bickering, crying, expense, teen angst, worrying what they're up to all hours of the night, university tuition, because this child and DD may or may not support each other when I'm dead and may very well hate each other and cause everyone's lives to be miserable? Sounds about right"

Had a good laugh, yes this subject causes me intense sadness/fear/angst but it is all a bit silly isn't it. I'd do anything for DD - literally. If a genie popped out and said "I'll ensure that DD has a happy, beautiful life if you jump off this cliff" I'd tip my hat and get a running start!

Truth is I can't bear to see DD brokenhearted and this sends my mum brain into crazy mode- but she WILL BE brokenhearted when we pass. It's the horrible price you pay for love. A sibling won't change the fact she'll be hurting and I think I am trying to overcompensate for that by thinking of giving her a sibling. It's just a mum's instinct to want to keep her DC(s) from pain but we can't can we. Hopefully by that time your DS and my DD will have families of their own - I think most people do go on to do this. IMO that negates any benefit of a sibling, and as it should be when a person marries or partners and has their own children, they come first and a sibling moves to the background anyway.

I think of my granddad's situation - he had one sister he grew up with, they were very close - she died in a car accident aged 68. Who do you turn to in order to grieve a sibling? And my nan helped him the most when his mother died 5 years later. I just say this to further illustrate there are no guarantees and the support of a spouse is often times more comforting than anything.

My DH has a sister and a brother - brother announced DC2 on the way in early December and they haven't talked since. He found out through the family that it's a boy. Would it be worth it to me if DD ended up having a relationship like that with her potential brother? I don't know. I can't see my DH and BIL ever being a great support to each other - they are cordial but not close.

It's my mum's 70th birthday tomorrow actually and this has been on my mind a lot, she has fewer years ahead of her than behind her. When she passes of course I'll be sad, but I'll lean on my DH and DD for support. I feel as ready as possible to handle it when that day comes as I have all the support I need right here. And at the end of my days I'll look back and smile knowing I couldn't have had a happier childhood and I did my very best to give DD the same, no matter what happens. I hope that, even if you don't feel this way now, you can smile and think the same thing about your upbringing and DS's as well. You're doing a wonderful job and you're doing everything right, please don't let outside influences tell you anything else.

@keabby we’re 2 years on from this post now and I’m currently in the same boat as you were with my thoughts on having a second. I wonder what you decided to do and how you feel about it now?
Thanks for any thoughts

It took me 10 years before I was ready for my second! So in reality it was like having an only child twice. They were always close, apart from the teen years, but that soon passed. Now they’re adults, they’re the best of friends.
I see my DD managing with 2 ]toddlers and think ‘thank god I didn’t have mine so close together’!

I have got two chronic health conditions and those conditions in themselves, and the medications I take, make pregnancy very risky for both me and the baby.

Me and DH always said we’d just have one and once our son was born, we both agreed that as I had stayed well during the pregnancy and our baby was born healthy we’d count our blessings and not risk having another.

But when our son was 18 months old the yearning for a second baby crept in. I would jokingly test the waters with my DH about having a second baby but he was adamant he didn’t want another. He said it was partly because he was happy with just one but also because he didn’t want to put me at risk again.

As the months passed my yearnings for another baby absolutely consumed me. I wanted a baby not only for myself, but because I wanted to add to our family and enable my son to have a sibling.

After about 10 months of joking about it with my DH, my desire for a baby became too strong to hide so I sat down with DH and told him how important it was to me that we have another baby, not just because I had an unexplainable need for one, but also because it was important to me that our son had a sibling. It was a very emotional and honest outpouring from me which ended up with me getting really upset about and I think it helped my DH see that me wanting another baby wasn’t just a passing whim.

Anyway, the outcome was that he changed my mind, and we started TTC. During my second pregnancy my health did deteriorate a little but I was ultimately fine and the baby was born healthy too.

Our eldest was 3.5 years old when the new baby arrived and although it was difficult at first, watching their bond develop was so special. They are 5 and 8 now and still adore each other and hate being apart.

So I know what the yearning is like as I suffered from it badly and I also understand what it’s like to have conflicting feelings because I could see how difficult the decision to TTC again was for my husband.

My husband is very glad we went for it though because seeing how loving our boys are with each other makes the difficulties worthwhile.

However, when I started musing about possibly having a third baby he very quickly went to the GP about having a vasectomy

@keabby what did you decide?? In same boat and desperately confused