Not bonding/struggling

[JH42]

Hi. I recently became a dad, and it’s been such a shock emotionally. I was devastated that when I held my son, I had no really feelings...I just felt confused.

Since then, it’s been tough. The sleepless nights, the not knowing how to respond to his needs. I know all this is common, but I feel utterly lost and even resentment at my son being here. My wife is great, but she’s struggling too and I’m afraid this will drive us apart. We’re trying sleep shifts, but our son’s pattern changes a lot (he’s two weeks old), so neither of us know if we’re coming or going. I dread the nights, the loneliness of 3am feeds, the feeling I’ve lost my life.

Sorry for the rant, but I needed and outlet and much as my wife has listened, I cannot keep off loading on her.

Ahh it's such a tough, tough time. It's perfectly normal not to have had any feelings when you held your son - that "rush of love" people talk about doesn't happen to everyone, not even close. It will come in time, I promise, and in the meantime you're showing him love by taking care of him, and that's all he needs. The early weeks are hell, I hated every minute, but I promise it doesn't last forever. Those lonely 3ams will pass. For me, once DD started waking up just once or twice a night and at regular times I found it much easier - and that was around 6 weeks or so, so really not that long.

I promise you haven't lost your life. Things will feel so much easier very soon. And you and your wife will be back on track. You can do this! It's not forever.

Newborns are all take take take so feeling confused is normal as it is a shock to be with a person who doesn't respond to you.

In few weeks he will start smiling at you and following you around the room with his eyes. At some point, which you won't notice, it will dawn on you that you love him.

Also you haven't lost your life. You are just going through a change.

With the gentlest of voices could I suggest you’re being a little dramatic. Your son is two weeks old, you’ve probably had longer holidays.
It does get better, so you just have to be as kind and loving as you can and get on with it.

Have you tried audio books on your phone with some headphones for the 3am feed? At this age you can probably watch tv and the light won’t bother your son. No need to feel lonely.
Have you joined any post natal friendship groups on fb? Generally there is always someone up if you need to chat.

The Samaritins are 24hrs if you need to speak to someone.

If you’re feeling depressed or anxious then you should speak to your GP as soon as you can.

Will you be returning to work soon? A proper schedule often helps with maintaining good mental health.

A friends husband had some kind of post natal depression. Appparently men can suffer with it too

Fyi

Totally agree with @Isawthathaggis. It’s difficult absolutely and a huge shock to the system but it gets easier.

Please speak to someone if you’re overwhelmed though. There’s no shame in seeking help.

Thank you for all the responses. I’ve scheduled some time to talk to my GP, as I feel I might be suffering post natal depression. Just reading these messages has reduced me to tears. I lost my dad 3 years ago and I know bottling up feelings can be destructive. I’m not going to allow those dark thoughts too much space this time.

I know what I (and we) are going through is normal. We’ve had so many parenting revelations from friends, which made us realise that there is almost a universal code amongst parents...never tell expectant parents the harsh realities that await early on.

I think being winter and not having left the house in 10 days has not helped, but my wife is struggling to walk due to swollen ankles, so other than a supermarket run, it’s been the four walls of home.

Anyway, this site and the outlet it has given me is great. Thank you again.

Ahh, I’m sure cabin fever is not helping!!

Do you feel confident taking the wee one out on your own? My DS is nearly 1 and in the early days I tried to get out every day even if just for a walk around the local park with him.

@Sexnotgender. I need to try that later, it’s probably a very wise idea. I think it’s just lack of confidence if our son has a meltdown and not knowing what to do. I’m sure I’ll be a multitasker soon enough, but I think it’s a case of 5 mins walk, then build up.

Honestly it really helps. If he cries he cries.

As long as he’s fed before you set off and is warm then what’s the worst thing that can happen? A gentle walk might help your wife too with the post partum fluid retention.

I agree with @Sexnotgender
Ye gods man get out the house!
Honestly, no one on this planet could maintain good mental health without getting fresh air every day.
You need to pack a bag (three spare nappies, wipes, nappy sacs, a full change of baby clothes, bottle of milk?) and get out.
Every day.

Aww, op, the first few weeks are so tough! The good thing is that you genuinely don't remember them when you look back- mine are a haze of box sets, slings, and loooootttsss of walks and coffee.

Do you have a soft sling? If so, feed the wee one, put him in the sling, and get out for a walk / coffee. If you don't have a sling (get one), take the pram, and get out. Literally No One will care if he cries. Newborn cries sound loud to you but not to anyone else. And if you're outdoors- who cares.

Where are you bass OP? I am in SE London if I can help at all.

*based

Glad to see you have scheduled time with your gp. I would encourage you to get out even if it is just a short walk round the block. It's very hard in the first few days as it is just nappy change, eat and sleep. Having just a short trip each day breaks the routine slightly and as you grow in confidence you get more freedom. Not everyone gets a rush of love. You are still getting to know your baby and vice versa. Bonding comes with time and interaction. My husband reads every night he has off to our little boy and now his little face lights up every time my husband enters the room and he babbles excitedly to him as if his telling him all about his day. There are still times when only I can settle him but it does become very rewarding and you will find your feet. I used to play suduko on my phone to get me through the lonely night feeds. Audio books might be a good alternative.

Oh it's so so hard, I totally get it. I'm pretty sure all new parents must feel the panicky "what the hell have we done?!" emotions in the early weeks, totally normal! My husband really struggled at the start, he felt he couldn't settle DS when he cried, didnt know how to get him to sleep, didnt understand his different cries and honestly he just hated the lack of sleep and relentless nature of looking after a newborn baby. DS is 10 months now and he's gradually found parenting becoming easier and more enjoyable. It's much more fun when they can smile, giggle and play with you! Try and get out of the house and dont panic when baby cries...that's just what they do and no one cares. Took me a few months to stop feeling completely on edge when in public in case DS had a meltdown or puked, confidence comes in time .

Try and get out of the house every day, it really helps break the monotony up. Make sure you're eating well and looking after yourself too! Are there any baby groups you could go to with your son? Baby massage?

Thank you for all the responses, it's been genuinely helpful and supportive. We've just done a walk in the local area, and despite the limited light and temperature, it felt good to breath the fresh air and see the real world. DS slept all the way round .

I also spoke to my GP, I am not going to lie, he offered little support other than a number to call. I guess in his defence, he has limited options at present.

I like the audio book idea. I am covering mornings from 6am, to give me wife a break and I think an audio book/podcast will help. I'd still hear any crying, and can respond to visual cues when feeding.

I'm still no closer to feeling a bond, but I know that takes time. Right now, the"take, take, take" thing is definitely real. Yet, DS is 2 weeks old and he needs us, so it's all we have.

At 42, I've had a life of freedom and I've realised that I've become selfish. Not in a nasty way, it's not my personality, but I created a very structured, calm world and that's been blown away. So, I now must rebuild and hope each day, a gradual realisation that we have a true gift is forming.

Thanks again to you all.

You’ve had some great advice . We called this stage the “tube” stage as they’re basically just a tube and you spend your time putting milk in one end and dealing with what comes out the other. In a few weeks he will start responding to you and smiling and your relationship will start to grow, I promise.
I certainly know what you mean by your last paragraph. I think having babies slightly later in life can be a real shock to the system , just like any new relationship after so many years.

Slings!!!!

Grab yourself a sling. Honestly. It’s amazing. Wrap the wee one up. Carry him around. It’s good for you and for them

You could try some post natal depression helplines. Ask if there’s anything for men?

You've taken some great steps. Give it time, you will fall into a comfortable pattern.

My DH used to be responsible for reading a bedtime story while I fed. Right from day 1. This was a special time for us 3 every day.

And don't forget you are still a husband and wife. Not just parents. Try to smile and say something complimentary to your wife every day. Not big gestures. Be kind and loving to each other. Don't take each other for granted.

It's hard for both of you, but the rewards will come. Promise.

Those early days are relentless, the feeding the pooing and the crying and you don't know why. My partner became a dad for the first time at 38 so like you was used to his own time and routines. In my opinion Dads really come into their own when baby starts responding, smiling and you can see their little personalities coming through. Hang on in there! Also if you google Isablog (he's also on Instagram) he deals with the mental health side of things and talks openly about his struggles with PND as a father.

Oh also, my DH really struggled in those early days. I think he felt useless and surplus to requirements, and (though he didn't admit it), I think he felt totally disconnected from this little alien creature who landed in our lives and blew it apart. He also couldn't accept that DS crying did not mean he or we had failed...

DS is now 3.5 and the two of them are inseparable. They have such a close bond and DH is an excellent dad. You'll get there.

And get a sling. The Close Caboo changed our lives!

Definitely going to look at slings. Thank you

Yes to fresh air - I remember going for a coffee and cake a week after DS was born and just being like, it's fine, we can do this! I used to love all the cooing from random people and all the nice words from other parents.

At first we just walked in the garden with the baby, but even now at 15 weeks sometimes we forget to go out and by the evening we are not feeling right, even just the shops.
Sling is amazing we got one but always used the pram. But what a massive faff and the baby wakes up and cries. But use the sling and he is very happy, also you don't have to use the lifts etc.
Yes there are some moments when everything seems to be focused on the mother and child and you feel a bit unsupported. For me the first weeks were a blur of just carrying on, then once he started smiling and looking around at nearly 2 months or so suddenly i felt like we are a family of 3 instead of two of us trying to survive a baby!
But yeah i know what you mean and I'd start the day by deciding where you're going that day, walk to the shop or in the garden for 10 minutes or whatever. That's the key thing to go outside. Things will get better, i keep telling myself millions of people manage this so i should be ok. Just remind each other you all want the best for each other and your child.

Try make a walk a regular thing if you can. Any fresh air will help you all and maybe build up to going for coffee or lunch. The first trips are always the hardest but once you have done it a few times it becomes easier and you get more freedom. Keep being open and honest with your wife and allow her to be too. Share the good times as well as the bad. If your looking into slings check out if there is a local sling library near you as you can try a range and they can help you with fit so you can decide what’s better for you and baby.

Hi OP, your post really resonated with me I don't want to read and run. I could have written your OP a year ago (although I'm a mother not a father). All I can say is it will all pass. Everything you're describing is normal, all of your feelings, feeling like you've lost your life etc. I sat in the bath and thought "what have I done?!" We had a colicky, sleepless newborn and it was a shock TK the system.

All you can do now is keep on keeping on, try to be positive with your wife, reassure each other it's just a phase. Get to 12 weeks, just grit your teeth and do it together. I now have a one year old and DH and I are stronger than ever even though in the early weeks I thought being parents might break us.

Keep using MN, I found it a huge support. Remember- it gets better and become very joyful.