Not bonding/struggling

[JH42]

Hi. I recently became a dad, and it’s been such a shock emotionally. I was devastated that when I held my son, I had no really feelings...I just felt confused.

Since then, it’s been tough. The sleepless nights, the not knowing how to respond to his needs. I know all this is common, but I feel utterly lost and even resentment at my son being here. My wife is great, but she’s struggling too and I’m afraid this will drive us apart. We’re trying sleep shifts, but our son’s pattern changes a lot (he’s two weeks old), so neither of us know if we’re coming or going. I dread the nights, the loneliness of 3am feeds, the feeling I’ve lost my life.

Sorry for the rant, but I needed and outlet and much as my wife has listened, I cannot keep off loading on her.

How are things going op

Still tough, we’re having a growth spurt. Feed, cry, feed, cry, feed, cry. However, we’re taking positive steps to survive, so all good.

I could have written your post 2.5 years ago. I’m a mum not a dad though, my husband actually adapted to life with a baby a hell of a lot better than me.

It’s such a shock to the system. My way of dealing with it was fake it till you make it. Keep on keeping on and look after your baby as best you can and eventually it will get easier. I found 10 weeks a real turning point. A lot less crying, less feeding, more interaction and he seemed to get more of a personality. It’s hard when you are giving so much and get not thing back!

I didn’t feel much of a bond at all until ds1 was a few months old but we couldn’t be more bonded now. He’s my little best mate (and I went on to have another baby so in the end it really was all worth it!) hang in there. It will get easier soon and it sounds like you are doing great considering and being a really supportive husband and dad. I know a lot of men that have struggled and have dealt by it by withdrawing and doing very little with the baby and leaving it all to their wife (and subsequently have a very distant relationship with their kids) and it speaks volumes that you aren’t doing that and very soon you will reap the rewards of your hard work

@Minai Thank you, very supportive 😁

Op my husband struggled when our second was born. He went to his GP, started taking St John's wort for low mood, did a course of cbt and followed a mindfulness meditation on an app every evening. We ended up with him not doing much at night, also deprivation made things worse for him. So, newborns are hard, it's not just you. However, over 2.5yrs later I don't know that our marriage has fully recovered, so, be proactive, do what you can to help your partner, and be kind to your baby.