Stepson always unwell

[nancydrew89]

I'm concerned about my stepson. We have it every other weekend and 9 times out of 10 he's been unwell for some reason or the he's injured himself. I understand 3 year olds get unwell. I have a 4 year old myself - he rarely gets unwell. Should I be concerned that his mother isn't caring for him properly or am I being too sensitive. We unfortunately don't have any contact with mum due to a few reasons. But I am concerned something may be underlying or something is happening at home.

What sort of injuries and illnesses?

Some children do have worse immune systems, some are always ill for their first year in childcare/ preschool - others aren't. Lots of colds doesn't necessarily mean anything.

Is he smaller than expected for his age (if your husband and his ex are average height is he absolutely tiny?) Is he noticeably underweight?

Being malnourished and injuries in unusual places (as in not places a typical accident prone child might have them, not grazed knees etc) are worrying, lots of colds and grazed knees and elbows not!

So always a cold. But it's never got better since August. He's small for a 3 year old (still fit in 18 month clothes comfortably) and both parents are 6ft. I did think he was maybe malnourished at mums house because he eats loads with us. And is always hungry. We always had loads of eat as I have a very hungry 4 year old (he's got a really quick metabolism that he gets from his dad). He's been in nursery since he was a year old. He's apparently now got anal fissures and complains when he poos. He doesn't do this with us. I have had an anal fissure and I don't know if it's the same with children but I had blood in my stools. It worries me that he's not getting the proper care at home. My partner has his HV number and is going to give her a ring on Monday to have a chat to see if she thinks it's right that he's so unwell all the time

Poor little soul has your dh spoken with his mum and asked about his diet, going to the toilet. How do you know he has anal fissures, he needs to see a doctor if he does have that.

I would be very careful about jumping to conclusions he is not being cared for properly at home. If he is at nursery, it is common for children to get colds this time of year, he could also be low in vitamin d. My 6 year old also complains about pain when he poos and he was diagnosed with chronic constipation which our doctor said a lot of children get for various reasons. It could be completely innocent. By all means your partner should call the health visitor for advice but really he should be trying to talk to mum as well.

Could your partner also talk to the nursery, really the nursery I imagine see your stepson more than your partner does so they would be able to tell your partner if they have any concerns.

It’s always best to investigate these things.

He might just be small for his age.

How is his hygiene? Is he in clean clothes? Is he washed? How are his teeth? These are things to look out for.

People think that it is all about bruising but neglect can be as simple as under feeding or not giving care.

Yeah be careful here.

Lots of children who attend nursery are ALWAYS full of cold. Similarly lots of children have constipation.

Actually both could be possibly be helped if he drank more water- does he drink enough?

I do know some children that seem to be constantly full of snot in winter but usually it subsides in the spring/summer so I'd be a little concerned if he's constantly ill in summer. Can you probe him a little in an age appropriate way

You raise it that he doesn't seem to be thriving and perhaps there is an
I under lying cause but because of the poor relationship with his Mum you don't want to raise it and her take it badly.

That is far more likely than neglect and you will do a lot of damage with implied accusations of neglect as that may be seen as malicious.

Tread carefully.

Does he arrive in clean clothes and look well looked after? You say he has a fast metabolism so that explains why he eats a lot at your house, he probably eats a lot at his mums too. When mine were 3 they'd have eaten all day if I let them! And if he goes to nursery he's likely to pick up a lot of colds (amongst other nasties!).

A lot of what you say sounds completely normal for a 3 year old but if your gut feeling is that there's something wrong and if there are any concerns about the mum (not having any contact at all sounds unusual when children are involved) then maybe raise them with a health visitor? Tread carefully though as he does sound like a normal 3 year old from what you've said!

Hello. Thank you all for getting back to me. We talk through a note book and hand over through a contact centre. It's really difficult. She unfortunate isn't a very nice women and we've had to implement this ourselves to keep us safe.
It's my 4 year old that had a fast metabolism and my stepson doesn't.
It's a gut feeling I'm getting that something isn't right.
I know children get unwell. But we've not had a weekend since the begin of August where he's not had something wrong.
I talked to my partner last night and he's going to have a chat with his HV.

@nancydrew89 good decision to go with your gut then, that is a long time for a child to be ill! Better to be safe than sorry with childrens health, hope it all goes well and they can help you all 🤞

Talk to nursery too - your husband should do that obviously as rightly they can only talk to adults with parental responsibility. The nursery should have a safeguarding lead and a good overview if they're a decent one.

Oh man in crap at remembering to reply.

So lines of communication have opened up with my stepsons mother and me. I expressed a few concerns and she's got back to me. He's going to see a consultant about his bottom before it has become psychological (which unfortunately I think it already has).

She has blocked us from talking to the nursery about anything to do with my SS. Which is the most annoying thing ever. But she's a little obtuse like that.

However we have expressed our concerns to his HV and she is going to monitor how many times he's unwell - and look back to see how many times he's been unwell since being under her care (as she has said it's a little more than it should be at his ages). My partner is worried she isn't cleaning the cat litter properly as she didn't do it when they were together.

If your do has pr I don't think she can stop him liaising with nursery. In fact if she has told them that, it may in itself raise safeguarding concerns.

Oh I didn't know that. I might mention this to him tonight. I did think it was a little bizarre that he wasn't allowed to talk to the nursery. He and his dad have both tried to set up a direct debit with the nursery for her to say no. She wants the money paid to her and then she pays it

Are you sure he's attending nursery/attending as often as you're told? Are you sure you've been given the correct pricing information (wanting the money herself may well be about control but there could be something else going on there either)?

This is what we are trying to get to the bottom of. I think she wants it to herself. So does my ex. I know he does go to nursery as I use to live next to his nursery before I moved in with my partner - I would see her drop him off in the morning.

At the end of the day your DP should be paying the CMS level of maintenance to his ex and it is entirely up to her what she spends it on. He can choose to give more but again its up to her to spend it on what she need to for herself and DSS to live.

It's up to you to feed, clothe and provide for DSS when he is with you. It's very odd for DP to want to pay nursery direct if his contact is EOW?? Comes across as controlling.

So he pays maintenance at the rate he should (calculated by csa). That's not a problem. His father pays for nursery fees thats was the agreement - we want to pay that direct to nursery as we know she's getting vouchers from work and tax credit (she boasted to a mutual friend about how much she was getting).

But this is now going off topic. I was asking if I should be concerned about his welfare as he's always unwell.

If he has PR he has a a much right to speak to Dr /hv /nursery as the dm.. Do. No. Be. Fobbed. Off.
And cash to the nursery of course.

Height-wise, two tall parents can have a very short child - my Dsis and BIL have a short child who favours her DGM and will probably end up near her height of 5 feet-ish. Genes are funny things.

I think you are right to be concerned, something just isn't sitting right. Sounds like you are going about everything the eight way. I don't think anything sounds controlling, I wouldn't be giving her the money, better just to keep things formal where there's no room.for doubt. Hope he gets on ok.

Just ask the nursery for their rates for DC of DSS age, frequency of attendance. FIL can adjust how much he pays accordingly. If it means his ex is better off paying for it all for UC and childcare vouchers why begrudge it? FIL can pay less to her if he wishes?

Inform the nursery of DP parental responsibility and that he has concerns about DSS that he wishes to discuss with them. If he knows which GP surgery/group DSS is registered with he can make an appointment to see the GP.

I think I know what she's doing with regards to him paying the nursery to her. She's likely claiming tax credits for the nursery costs (the maximum is easy to achieve with that because it "only" goes up to £750), you're only eligible for this if you confirm that you pay the full costs yourself. If he were to pay the nursery directly she'd be snookered if HMRC were to check on it (which they do, periodically).

So she's essentially being paid twice for nursery - once by the government, and once from her ex.

Not saying that's definitely what's happening here, but I'd bet on it. It's actually a pretty smart scheme really.