5yo doesn't like her dad

[Indecisivelurcher]

Hi all, after some advice or helpful suggestions please. My Dd is 5 and acts like she doesn't like her dad. We're married and live together, don't fight particularly, she's got a 2yr7m brother who has a normal relationship with his dad. This isn't new, she was very much like this when she was a year or so younger, but has resurfaced now. She doesn't want dh to put her to bed, take her to or pick her up from school, she doesn't want to go in his car, she doesn't want him off at half term etc. Dh tries not to take it to heart but after weeks and weeks is starting to struggle not to show his hurt. What helped with this before was explaining to Dd about hurting feelings, then we got a you choose book for bedtime that was special for Dd and dh, and they gradually got through it. So I think they need some one on one but the problem is now neither of them want to. Any advice?

Bump for the lunchtime crowd?

I am going to be extremely blunt here, is there any chance that he is interfering with her sexually or hurting or abusing her in some other way when he is alone with her. I speak from experience here as I was sexually abused starting from the age of 4 and felt and acted the same way as your daughter about my abuser (who was my much older brother - I was emotionally blackmailed into not telling my mother, so I never did but I was terrified of spending any time alone with him). From my own experience, I started having terrible nightmares of things like huge spiders under my bed. I did not want to spend any time alone with him. In fact, he would sexually abuse me in his bedroom whilst my mother was at home (it only takes minutes to sexually abuse someone). To top it all off, it was always done with a smile and under the pretext of 'caring' about me and he portrayed that same caring image to our mother who never had any reason to suspect. I have known of a few others to experience similar things at similar ages and again, they all behaved very similarly. I am not saying this is what's happening with your child, but you should never rule something like that out especially when the child is clearly indicating there is a major problem concerning her father and she is scared to be alone with him or around him.

No problem being blunt, I was fully expecting someone to ask that question. I don't have any concerns or fears about that.

She's 5 OP-- couldnt you ask her?

Dd is not just like this with her dad, she is also very anti her grandparents, her ex childminder went disastrously wrong, it's took her a long time to settle into preschool (although school has gone really well), I'm just trying to explain that this behaviour with her dad does fit with her personality. She can be pretty awkward.

Does he shout? Or make her feel bad about her behaviour? Is he strict with discipline?

Does your DH speak to her in a different way to you? I'm in a very similar situation - I'm very much the favourite parent with both DC age 7 and 11 with regards to bedtime and picking up and taking to clubs. But they both clearly love their Dad. I think he just isn't as gentle with them as I am and isn't as forthcoming with compliments! My advice to your DH would be to compliment DD at least once a day, so she will associate him with feeling good about herself. I don't mean how she looks but how brilliant she is at doing jigsaws or having ideas etc. Some things just don't come as naturally to men as they do to us!

@onlyfools she says she just wants mummy. She says dh shouts and tells her off. He's not especially disciplinarian but does sometimes have a 'firm' voice when pushed, which Dd really is at the mo.

He's not a shouty disciplinarian, he does compliment her eg telling her how proud he is of her reading the other day. Someone's he will have just got up and just say morning Dd. I honestly don't think he's done or doing anything to cause Dd to feel this way.

Id say she doesnt equate Daddy with fun times. He needs to spend more quality (lord I this phrase) time with her. Park / soft play at the weekend, just the two of them.

Thank you @thisislovelyme that's good advice and also nice to know you've a slightly similar experience

Thanks @onlyfools

I think you also need to reinforce your dh. So if dd says 'I don't like daddy, I want mummy's then you need to say ' that isn't very kind and makes daddy feel sad' and perhaps suggest you dont want to spend time with someone who is saying unkind things. Just be supportive of dh.
Also make sure they have some time together. Do you go out much?
Also just double check there is no underlying issues as per pp suggested.

You say you two 'dont fight particularly' ? Does that mean that you two have fought? Would she have witnessed that?

Older child with a younger siblilng wanting more time with mum? And also disliking daddy who probably is stricter than mum?

Parents need to team up, equal time with both children, be fair, she doesn't get to call the shots here. But she is probably jealous / annoyed about the baby taking away the limelight from her. I'd suggest that you should do more discipline / strict stuff to allow dad to play 'nice cop' a bit more to help things out too.

We used to alternate bedtime routine between our two. Needs mum to be really strict with any child that plays up when with dad!

To be honest we find it easier for one parent to put both to bed - stops teh attention seeking rubbish the kids pull - also watch out fo rher trying to play you and DP off against each other!

It's all a power game really at that age in my opinion. Needs careful handling so self esteem isn't eroded but whilst parents can retain sanity!

Both my children (DD and DS) seem to have a preference for me. It's not that they dislike their dad, they just want me. Whatever it is (giving shower, giving food, taking to school, putting to bed etc) they want me. If I go away for a weekend or something they get on great with their dad and they all have a whale of a time. But when I come back they want me again! Maybe some kids are just like this. I try to encourage their relationship with their dad by disappearing for an afternoon or something so they can all do something fun without me around. I also get DH to play games with them - monopoly or whatever. Special bonding time having fun helps a lot.

We had this with my youngest- very much a mummy's boy. Lots of reasons- as mentioned- firmer voice, maybe not as affectionate as me (I'm very affectionate with them!) Just use to me dealing with him. We had to make a conscious effort for me to do things with dd and my dh do things with ds. It's worked although he still prefers me to read story at night etc. And explaining about the feelings of dh really made a difference. I dobt think it's that unusual for younger kids to prefer one parent. X

Its interesting that you say she is like this with other adults, not just her Dad. Is there anything you do with her/give her etc that other adults may not and she is hoping for this?

I might look at this slightly differently - does she do enough with you mum? You mention child minder before school. Is she just crying out for mummy time? Can you love bomb her to start with - let her have special times with you. Tell her when she can expect to spend time with you. Let her know what days you will be doing bed time and story. Tell her what special thing you are going to do each week. (can be simple like library, or draw a picture, or have a hot chocolate out...) Then when dad is doing bedtime just be clear that he's doing it no choice. (If it's any consolation my kids loved/love their dad but never ever wanted him to do bedtime - primarily because he didn't read the story for as long as me! -- They are now older and much more flexible. Also dad does more overall with them now anyway.)

My daughter and husband have a 'Daddy/Daughter Day once a month. This month was ice skating then shopping for a new hoodie then Starbucks.

It's really good for their relationship. You should suggest it to your husband - don't present it to your daughter as a choice, I'd tell her it was happening once a month from now on.

@mumdiva yeah I'm open to that side of things too, since starting school her time with me has reduced. She does breakfast and afterschool clubs Mon Tue Wed. I don't work Thur or Fri so do school runs and stay at home with my ds. We spend weekends together as a family. I go out some evenings to pilates class and an environmental group, which Dd does not like me doing. We take it in turns doing school runs, clubs, bed times.

I think I'll suggest to dh every other weekend we split the kids up and have some one on one time for half a day, then next time swap kids.

Your dd is clearly very attached to you - although she’s 5 there is still time to nip this in the bud. Sounds as though you’re aware of the steps you need to take to encourage your dd. Agree with pp’s reminder that you’re a team and you need to back DH when DD says unkind things about him.

@audacity yes thinking along those lines 👍

Sounds good @Indecisivelurcher - she's seeing your son get 2 whole days with mummy -so you giving her some special weekend time may help. (At first I couldn't see why you would also need to swap - but I guess fun time with daddy will help too.....Or maybe you just do your daughter for a bit - then tell her daddy is missing out on all the fun and has a really good idea for what he wants to do next time....If she's like my kids - they really want to be with mum and have a mum treat - but then daddy wants to have a treat with the other two and he always has to go over the top and do something better than me....so then all the kids end up wanting to be with dad -- at this point I leave him to it and hot foot it out the door for some well needed me time!!!

I might also pack them both off to the library to pick a chapter book for daddy to read at bedtime. Little things. Shame dh has to work so hard but then I thought, well what's hard work about doing things with your daughter?! Nothing really!