5yo doesn't like her dad

[Indecisivelurcher]

Hi all, after some advice or helpful suggestions please. My Dd is 5 and acts like she doesn't like her dad. We're married and live together, don't fight particularly, she's got a 2yr7m brother who has a normal relationship with his dad. This isn't new, she was very much like this when she was a year or so younger, but has resurfaced now. She doesn't want dh to put her to bed, take her to or pick her up from school, she doesn't want to go in his car, she doesn't want him off at half term etc. Dh tries not to take it to heart but after weeks and weeks is starting to struggle not to show his hurt. What helped with this before was explaining to Dd about hurting feelings, then we got a you choose book for bedtime that was special for Dd and dh, and they gradually got through it. So I think they need some one on one but the problem is now neither of them want to. Any advice?

Your OP is very familiar indeed to me! And in the odd idle moment in the middle of the night it did occur to me to worry about something along the lines of the first pp as a reason, but never seriously as DP is the kindest, loveliest, most honest and caring person I've ever known. It was just SO baffling why she had such a strong preference for me always.

I used to sometimes ask DD why she didn't want daddy, she sometimes said she didn't know, sometimes said because he could be a bit shouty (he's not at all, but I guess he is 2% shoutier than the massive softy that is me), other times she'd just say she does love daddy and want him but she loves and wants me more.

I think it's just one of those things. For whatever reason, maybe labour +breastfeeding+maternity leave, DD bonded very closely with me in the first few months and I don't think anything else will overtake that bond for a few more years. DS is similar now tbh.

I enjoy being loved so much, but I do find it very tiring being pawed at so much.
I find it heartbreaking when DP wants to be loved this much and isn't. That in turn is tiring.
He finds me moaning about being touched out hard to deal with as he's not exactly jealous, but you get what I mean!

Fwiw DP and I share childcare pretty evenly, we both work 4 days and have a full day off with children each, at the weekends etc we share pretty evenly too. We do a good mix of all together, one child each, one of us away and the other solo.

All I can think is either I'm just a much nicer person to hang out with, or else the intense 24-7 bond created in the first few months is stronger than any amount of fun and effort from DP as soon as he was able.

It's just one of those things. I'm sad for DP and glad that he stays positive and keeps putting in huge effort to make the children love him as much as they do me for just being me.

Meant to add my DD is also quite clingy and mummy centric, it's not just an anti-dad thing! At parties I have to gently prise her off my leg. Sometimes even when visiting her cousins she takes 5 mins to warm up and get off my lap.

She's a bright confident bossy girl when she gets going, but she needs her little dose of mum to start her off. It's lovely, I'm sure I'll miss it when it goes, but it's bloody exhausting. I often wish she'd just be like many of her friends and able to run off straight into playing with peers. However I grew her so I guess I'm responsible for at least 50% of what she's like

I've just realised I have a long monologue about my own child which doesn't match yours all that well.
My final point to make clearly my bedtime is that DD used to be identical to yours, anti-dad at the age of 4 and below. At 5 and now 6 she has finally come round to where she is now, ie loving him lots but still having a strong preference for me. Same is true for all the extended family.

I think when younger it was too complicated to love lots of purple so she only seemed to love me. Now she's older she has learnt that she can love more than one person, and having a preference doesn't mean you don't love the other person

@owlsintowels I actually feel a bit emotional reading your post, because someone else gets it! Even the bits about me feeling touched out. I am not the most physically affectionate person by nature and I find it very hard that Dd sometimes wants to climb back inside my womb... And the stuff about feeling bad that your dh has to work so hard just to get on a level. Thank you! Just really good to hear that someone else has this situation.

I think @Owlsintowels is right; when DD was 1-2 and DH came home from work I'd be desperate to be alone for ten minutes, but DD would scream the place down when I left her with him!

I had to go in the kitchen, shut the door and turn the radio up loud so I couldn't hear her.

They worked it out. That's how they built their own little world together.

Your DP needs to try the one to one time and not be offended and not snap.

If it was going ok did something happen to push back

I think your DH needs to focus hard in being the adult here and finding strategies to engage with his DD and develop his parenting rôle. Withdrawing and leaving you to it is not an option!

Neither, in my view, is pleasing with the child to be kinder or trying to socialise her not to hurt others' feelings. While it might be a short-term solution to her 'want mummy, not daddy!' attitude, longer term it risks eroding personal boundaries and bodily autonomy, leading a child to think adults have rights over her time, attention and physical space, an obvious way to make them vulnerable to later grooming by other adults.

@nearlygranny that's a really difficult fine line that I'm aware of needing to tread. I don't want to change my Dd's more difficult personality traits, I want her to grow up to be a strong, confident and competent woman! But sometimes she really does need to be just a bit more compliant and not so flippin rude!!!

I get you, Lurcher, no criticism, I hope she is soon making you the jealous one for a bit! Daughter and dad is such an important relationship.

Its about boundaries she is allowed hers but you are allowed them to. She needs to respect others the same way she deserves respect.