Anyone not breastfed to save their mental health?

[Rafaroo]

Hello All - Long Post Alert!!!

I am currently pregnant with my second child and on the home stretch. With only a few weeks to go, I have been thinking a lot about how I will feed my new baby.

With my first child, I was determined to exclusively breastfeed. I dealt with the usual soreness and engorgement in the first week or so but then all seemed fine. Around week 4 however, I was hit with mastitis which left me feeling awful and stuck in bed. It also added to my exhaustion. Around this time, I started to feel a bit down but figured it was just normal baby blues or due to lack of sleep.
I was still breastfeeding around the clock, and my daughter was still not in any kind of feeding routine. It was just continuous. I struggled to do anything around the house, shower or get out and about. I was mortified about breastfeeding in public and my one foray to a local Costa had resulted in a fight to get my screaming baby properly latched onto my breast while people around me stared. That pretty much traumatised me and I stayed indoors to feed after that.
My husband worked very early and did long days, so he began sleeping in the spare room so he wasn't woken by the constant night feeding. Even though he was supportive and loving, I felt very alone and like I couldn't connect with him and like he didn't understand. I felt unreasonably angry with him all the time, even though he would cook dinner every night, do the washing, etc. He was trying to be there for me but I just felt permanently irritated by him. A few times, I felt sorry for him and we tried to have sex, but I felt totally uninterested and dry as a bone. He was always very sweet about it, but it made me anxious to feel like I was neglecting him physically on top of being quite nasty to him. When my daughter was 3 months old, I was still sleep deprived, stuck in the house, exhausted and felt like a huge drift had opened up between my husband and I. Even though I adored our daughter, It really felt like rather than adding to our lives, having a baby had ruined everything.

Long story short, I carried on breastfeeding but I also went on to be diagnosed with Post Natal Depression. It was a really rough time that transformed me as a person and nearly destroyed my marriage. I became paranoid, anxious and angry and sad. I struggled to do basic things for myself and my home. At the worst stage of the PND I had very dark thoughts about harming myself or running away. Eventually I received help, and I became much better over time. I would say I have largely recovered now and I am back to being joyful and happy, but I am very scared of ending up back down the rabbit hole. It has been such a long road to get back. Even though, I know there are many reasons a woman can develop PND, I do believe breastfeeding and the relentlessness and exhaustion from that definitely took a toll on me and was a contributing factor to my mental/hormonal state.

Has anyone else had similar experiences? Anyone opt for bottle feeding to save their mental health?

I just feel in my heart that a happy mum and happy home is also super important but I want to do right by my baby of course...thoughts please?

I bfed just over a week, I was devastated to stop but I was having panic attacks at every feed. They reduced immediately and stopped a entirely a few days later. I still went on to be diagnosed with pnd and post natal anxiety but at least the debilitating panic attacks stopped.

You could try bfing but put less pressure on yourself (easier said than done, I know) Or combi?

Me. Did it for a while with first and hated every second of it and also ended up with PND, so when pg with no. 2 I said from the start I wasn't going to BF and was much happier without that weight on my shoulders or pressure put on myself. I was much more relaxed with baby too.

No regrets.

Me! My almost destroyed my MH with my DS1. He was screaming for food every 30 mins not gaining weight and it was awful. I didn't sleep for almost 2 week. I asked for help from
HV and breastfeeding groups but was just told I wasn't trying hard enough and I was a silly girl. Took me a long time to recover from the dark space living like that put me

I tried Bf with ds2 but he also lost 15% of his birth weight, suffered with prolonged jaundice and didn't gain much weight! GP and HV finally listened to me and decided I had supply issues. No matter how much o fed I never produced much milk boobs were just empty. Never got engorged

I chose not to BF Dd this time for my mown sanity. Best decision for her and me

Me!!

I breastfed DD until she was 14 months, she wouldn't take a bottle at all (expresses or formula) and by the end of it I was broken. I suffered from such bad PND that I wondered what the hell I was doing.

DS was born in November and has been formula fed from day 1.... he is a happy, content baby and I see no difference in him from DD (he is actually healthier but no idea what that comes down to).

I was very clear from the start (about 30 weeks) my intentions and it was documented in my notes. When I gave birth I again voiced how he would be fed, and when questioned explained why - no one argued.... (one midwife did ask me if I would do it 'for a bit', but was told no)

The health visitor etc did ask my reasoning when visiting after birth but again, when told why, didn't question further!

I have suffered with PND this time around too, and I know that things would be so so much worse if I was breastfeeding, and that I am a better mum for not doing it and looking after myself and therefore my children - just do what is right for you

Yes. With my first breastfeeding had been built up so much that my inability to do it beyond the first six weeks made me feel like a massive failure. I developed PND and it took a long time to recover.

With my second I made it clear to midwives etc that I was willing to try but I wasn't going to pressure myself and I'd also be prepared with bottles etc. I managed a week and gave up with no regrets. It helped that I had a midwife who supported my decision 100%.

I breastfed my first for about 6 weeks and it was hell on earth.
My next 2 children I haven’t breastfed and I’ve been adamant about that from the start. The midwives said they have to be seen to tell me the benefits of breastfeeding but they completely respect my choice.
If you don’t want to breastfeed then don’t.

Did you reach out for any support?

By all means bottlefeed if that’s what you want to do. But If you want to BF definitely consider visiting some breastfeeding clinics and finding out what help and support is available so you are better prepared for next time.

Do what suits you.

I’ve EBF no1, and combine fed 2&3. This one will be whatever I decide once it’s here.
Try not to put pressure on yourself, and remember it’s nobody else’s business.
You could always start and then stop if it’s too much 🤷‍♀️
Also what you’re saying about your first seems more to do with the demand feeding. There’s a big push on it now. I’ve never done it and I know there is no way I’d have managed even a couple of weeks of BF if I had. I need my sleep or I’m a naggy cow so I need my kids in a decent routine from the get go.

I really struggled but persisted with DD1. It came right when she was 4 months old. Went on to successfully breastfeed DD2 much better experienced.

However, my relationship with DD1 is awful and I have a really horrible feeling it is because I persisted and she would have been struggling to. I wish I had had the confidence to ditch the breastfeeding. Who knows but the experience really spoilt what could have been a lovely time.

Great to hear your stories ladies! Thanks for your quick responses.

@TriangleBingoBongo yes, I did get support. I actually had a lactation consultant and a very pushy health visitor who insisted I continue and described formula as 'sub-par nutrition' which is why I persisted even though I wanted to quit when I got mastitis. As @Rosehip345 mentioned, I think it was the demand feeding that was killing me. It is literally non stop and unbelievably exhausting as you know, and of course, exhaustion and depression are a bad combination.

Yes, with DS. I tried to feed DD for 4 days straight, and it just wasn't working. I was in agony constantly, despite all of the MWs telling me it was all fine, and the blood was pouring from me. I started dreading her crying because it meant more pain, and then I broke down entirely on day 4. We gave her formula after that and I started enjoying her, rather than wanting to run away from her. I did pump for a few weeks but eventually it dried up so I stopped.

When I was pregnant with DS, I said I'd do the first day and then stop. I was firm about it and nothing would change my mind. Unless it worked perfectly from the start, then I wasn't putting myself through it again. DH was behind me 100%, he'd seen the state I got into four years previously. So we did day 1, I hated it and those awful feelings started rushing back, so we stopped. There wasn't anything to pump that time.

Both my DC thrived on formula, and I love(d) feeding them their bottles. They're 5 and 18mo now, and perfectly healthy.

What ever you decide feeding wise recognition and knowing your early warning signs of PND is so important so you can access help earlier - I had good talk with my HV about my concerns before the baby was born - my husband and family were vigilant and we discussed how we would handle things after the baby was born - both bottle are breast feeding are exhausting but it you aren’t depressed you know things will eventually improved - good luck whatever you choose to do will be perfect for your baby xxx

Number 1, I found it really difficult, but was guilted by the midwife at the same time as offering no help and it sent me into a very dark place. I stopped at about 12 days. It really affected me for years after. I think because of the comments I got from the midwife. Cheers love.

I cried in the booking appointment for no 2, but yet still felt I should have a go. Bf for about 3 days, then I could literally feel the dark clouds rolling back in and so stopped and it was the best thing for my MH.

No. 3, I had another go after a c section this time so had all that to deal with, but I was much more relaxed. Got to about a week and my nipples fell off again (not literally, but blood everywhere) and I just thought 'no'. Stopped. All fine.

Every single one of them is absolutely fine, no health problems, bright and happy. Do what is best for you. Sod everyone else.

If I ever had a 4, I wouldn't even try. Madness to put myself through all that pain when I'm clearly not someone it works for. Madness.

@31133004Taff Yes it really does spoil the time with your little one. My relationship with DD is fine now, but I definitely feel that for the first year I took care of her more out of duty than from joy. I felt very resentful of how she had change my life even though I also loved her to pieces. It was such a mixed bag of emotions.
I'd like this time to be different and to enjoy my time rather than wish it away.

Sorry the HV wasn’t very helpful. I wasn’t trying to push BFing onto you. Sounds like you know what you’d like to do and your mental health is paramount in all this too.

I very much wish I hadn't had fed baby 2 for as long as I did. He never took a bottle (and boy did I try) and didnt really eat solids till past a year. I never got a break and I resented him for it. I always said if I had a third I would Express and combi bottle feed from a month on so I wasnt attached to a baby at all times.

@Rafaroo if that’s the case I’d be tempted to say give it a go with a decent routine, if it doesn’t work or make you feel more at ease, have the confidence to stop.

In hospital we were only allowed to feed every 4hrs so I just continued that with DD1 when we were home. It also meant I could happily challenge the insistence of demand feeding from health visitors.

To be honest having your first baby is a shock to the system and the evidence would suggest that BFing actually lowers your risk of PND. Second time round most people tend to find the whole shebang easier as you’re already a mum so there isn’t that huge life shift and loss of identity.
I don’t think it’s fair to say it’s the bf at the root but if you feel like you want to not Bf that’s your choice that you don’t need to justify to anyone anyway. Most people don’t breastfeed anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️

It is interesting to hear how you have all handled it with subsequent children. Thanks for all the kind words and understanding everyone! I quite agree @EnjoyyourBrexit, it is total madness to try to force yourself to do something that isnt working.

@CoodleMoodle, yes what I am thinking is basically doing the colostrum days BF (as apparently the colostrum is great for an immune system boost) and then moving into bottles of formula. I don't know how it will work in practice, and I know my milk will still come in, but I figure it will probably dry up quite fast. Did you just dry up naturally with no issue?

Me!!!

HATED breastfeeding DC1.

DC2 was formula fed immediately. No regrets. Loved the newborn cuddles without the pressure. I have to say I had nothing but understanding and support from midwives etc. It helped I think that I was confident in my decision and I also know the system so less likely to be challenged?

Sorry to hear you've had a horrendous time

My friend had an extremely tough time breastfeeding her first and eventually stopped after 6 weeks but her second child took to breastfeeding much better and she didn't have the same mental struggles. Still breastfeeding at 18 months and is glad she attempted it.

That's obviously just 1 story and if you want to FF from the get go you're obviously more than entitled to decide that. Just trying to offer a different perspective. I hope you feel happy feeding your second baby, fed is best.

@Rafaroo
Yep, pretty much just dried up, but there wasn't much there to begin with! I think I had maybe one day (around day 5 or 6) where my boobs were really sore, and then the next day they were fine again. I might've just been "lucky", though.

Good luck!

Every baby is different and you have to do what works for you. My experience with my first was much like yours except after 2 bouts of mastitis, I also got thrush (because of the antibiotics), which no one believed was thrush and wouldn’t treat. All the skin peeled off my nipples and areolas (I still have scars). I had to stop after that.

My 2nd, he was a complete natural. It was such a different experience. I did plan differently, expressed colostrum, knew how to latch, etc. When I got thrush again, everyone believed me this time and I got treated and it was fine. But really he was just different and he knew what he was going. My first was so traumatic, but second was a breeze. He never even had a bottle of expressed milk it was so easy. I fed him til he was 15 months.

I dried up with no problems at all, very quickly. I don't even remember much discomfort with no 3. I wonder about that sometimes!

Yes, I always wanted to get the colostrum into them too. I would maybe start with that idea and go with whatever feels good to you after that. Hope it all goes well for you. Do what is best for you.

I can honestly say that no one ever asks you once past the baby days chit chat and basically no one cares. And if you asked a teacher who in their class was breastfed, they wouldn't have a bloody clue!

BF DS1 for over a year, I hated it and suffered with PND. That first year was horrendous with severe anxiety and exhaustion. So much so that there is 6 years between my boys.
FF DS2 and it was a totally different experience, I LOVED his first year and it was a doddle in comparison.
The difference in feeding method has had no impact on my relationship with my sons, I adore them equally.