Anyone not breastfed to save their mental health?

[Rafaroo]

Hello All - Long Post Alert!!!

I am currently pregnant with my second child and on the home stretch. With only a few weeks to go, I have been thinking a lot about how I will feed my new baby.

With my first child, I was determined to exclusively breastfeed. I dealt with the usual soreness and engorgement in the first week or so but then all seemed fine. Around week 4 however, I was hit with mastitis which left me feeling awful and stuck in bed. It also added to my exhaustion. Around this time, I started to feel a bit down but figured it was just normal baby blues or due to lack of sleep.
I was still breastfeeding around the clock, and my daughter was still not in any kind of feeding routine. It was just continuous. I struggled to do anything around the house, shower or get out and about. I was mortified about breastfeeding in public and my one foray to a local Costa had resulted in a fight to get my screaming baby properly latched onto my breast while people around me stared. That pretty much traumatised me and I stayed indoors to feed after that.
My husband worked very early and did long days, so he began sleeping in the spare room so he wasn't woken by the constant night feeding. Even though he was supportive and loving, I felt very alone and like I couldn't connect with him and like he didn't understand. I felt unreasonably angry with him all the time, even though he would cook dinner every night, do the washing, etc. He was trying to be there for me but I just felt permanently irritated by him. A few times, I felt sorry for him and we tried to have sex, but I felt totally uninterested and dry as a bone. He was always very sweet about it, but it made me anxious to feel like I was neglecting him physically on top of being quite nasty to him. When my daughter was 3 months old, I was still sleep deprived, stuck in the house, exhausted and felt like a huge drift had opened up between my husband and I. Even though I adored our daughter, It really felt like rather than adding to our lives, having a baby had ruined everything.

Long story short, I carried on breastfeeding but I also went on to be diagnosed with Post Natal Depression. It was a really rough time that transformed me as a person and nearly destroyed my marriage. I became paranoid, anxious and angry and sad. I struggled to do basic things for myself and my home. At the worst stage of the PND I had very dark thoughts about harming myself or running away. Eventually I received help, and I became much better over time. I would say I have largely recovered now and I am back to being joyful and happy, but I am very scared of ending up back down the rabbit hole. It has been such a long road to get back. Even though, I know there are many reasons a woman can develop PND, I do believe breastfeeding and the relentlessness and exhaustion from that definitely took a toll on me and was a contributing factor to my mental/hormonal state.

Has anyone else had similar experiences? Anyone opt for bottle feeding to save their mental health?

I just feel in my heart that a happy mum and happy home is also super important but I want to do right by my baby of course...thoughts please?

Horrendous pregnancy with HG and SPD, 2 day labour resulting in em csection. Dd had low bloods and was cup fed formula to keep her out of nicu. She was hungry and my milk just wasn't coming through. I wasnt that keen on breast feeding anyway but everyone kept saying I had to.

If I hadn't have shared a room with someone who just formula fed from the start I wouldn't have been brave enough to do it. I know my mental health would have majorly suffered.

Dd is happy and healthy and we have an amazing bond. I have no regrets.

I didn't but my friend did. She had postnatal psychosis with her first and was hospitalized. Her second was very carefully planned. She was lucky to have good family support around her, baby was bottle fed and my friend's sleep and rest prioritised as it was thought lack of sleep had been a trigger last time. She stayed well and are a lovely happy family.

I disagree with the mantra about a what's best for the child should always come first. The whole family have needs and sometimes the parents needs should come first for the benefit of all. I don't for a minute dispute the science that says breast milk is better for the baby but life's not perfect.
Congratulations about your baby, I hope all goes well.

I was desperate to breastfeed my first child, but he just wouldn’t latch on and after spending two hours with a midwife trying to get him to latch on, she gave up and told me to give him a cup!!! On 3 rd day I got this overwhelming urge to self-harm and after 4 days of screaming and not much feeding the midwife told me that if he didn’t start putting on weight he’d have to go back in to hospital - that’s when I started half formula and half breast milk - I did this for 4 months. As soon as he started drinking formula from a bottle, I knew he was getting fed and I just felt my mind and body was relief. I look back and wish I was stronger, but you are so vulnerable and I so wanted to do what I thought was the right thing. It was a terrible 4 days.

Yep. I did. I breastfed Dd for 2 days and then switched to formula. Best thing I ever did.

Ds was almost 2 at the time she was born. And it was a shock for me to find out I was pregnant again so soon. Then the birth. Then having two under two. Ds became more demanding. And breastfeeding hurt so much this time.

I cried when the midwife came round. And actually asked permission to stop. (Beats me why I did this though...I knew I could if I wanted too!)

Anyway. Almost 6 months on Dd is happy healthy and piling on the pounds. Ds is happy and adjusted to having a sister. I am happy.

I don’t think we can have any more but if we did then I would not be aiming for EBF. I’d try to bf to start with and move to combi feeding once supply established. If it failed for any reason I would let it go.

My twins were born by emcs and in nicu being tube fed for a good while. I was pumping, when it came to trying to latch them they couldn’t. I tried to get help but was overwhelmed with one twin at home, one in hospital very sick. Once they were both home I felt like a massive failure and so kept pumping every two hours until they were 7 months and still felt like I failed. I missed so much time with them, missed so many cuddles etc hooked up to the pump. I became extremely depressed and I’m sure the hormonal state didn’t help - once I stopped pumping and my periods came back I felt like a different person.

Even if another baby fed well, I have twins with disabilities who need me too and I couldn’t manage to EBF. I definitely couldn’t cope with three kids feeling as I did back then.

At the least I’d try to feed colostrum, even if expressing and syringe / cup feeding, but I would have no guilt about moving to formula if I had my time again.

You do what’s best for you.

I forgot to add that my friend put enormous pressure on herself to be the perfect mum with her first. She tried really hard to breast feed when her first was born. I think she was hospitalized about 2-3 weeks after her baby was born. With her second she lowered the bar significantly and that worked much better for everyone.

Having said all that about my friend and hearing your story OP, things might be different for you this time. You could try it, and if it doesn't work, stop. No guilt.

Yes me. I battled on for a few weeks but I could feel myself getting more & more miserable, frustrated, in pain, thrush and an ever starving baby. I’d be up pretty much all night as my DD was a terrible feeder. I also seemed to have very little milk, maybe related to the poor feeding I suppose! After one night of literally no sleep, I broke down just sobbed & sobbed & sobbed. My other half went out & bought bottles & formula & a steriliser that day and we never looked back! Once I got over the guilt, my mood lifted, I enjoyed feeding time, my OH could help, and I felt human again!

I’m FF my second without a moments hesitation (with hopefully some pumping for a short period if I can manage). I really want to enjoy early motherhood this time!

Not read any replies but wanted to reply from a different corner to the responses I expect you've had.

Thanks for sharing your experience, it sounds like you've been through so much.

I was so so lucky. My baby seemed to bf perfect from the first feed and apart from no real feed routine and a total lack of sleep for me for the first 4 months (and not much sleep until bf stopped at 16 months) my experience was really positive.

Would I do the same and exclusively feed a second baby? NO! Even though it was a brilliant experience, I could not devote that 'on call' time to a new baby when I already have a dc who will want my attention. I will also need as much sleep as I can get! I've already told dh that if we have a second dc, he will be bottle feeding (formula) baby every night while I do current child's bedtime.
Formula because I became a bit ocd with pumping/ freezing etc.

One thing I always said before I had a baby was that I'd love to breastfeed but if it didn't happen for whatever reason then so be it.

From what you've said my advice would be to go straight to bottle. What's the point in going through first feeds, possible pain, bad memories? Don't feel bad for bottle/ formula feeding. Baby and current child need a well mummy.

When you're asked if you feed breast or formula, do not feel bad for choosing formula. Feel proud of yourself for following your needs which will help you be an amazing mum.

I think the replies here have been so rational. Yes. A baby first and foremost needs a well mother. The family needs a well mother.

I've been there! The first 6-8 weeks were horrific for me and although I was lucky enough that things improved after that, i completely understand why some mums give up. It's so individual, and the people who say "keep going" in the face of all your struggles probably never struggled themselves and just don't 'get' it. Always always do what's right for you and stuff everyone else!

I couldn’t BF as I had a C sec and no milk until day 4. I tried (intention was to do it /express for a week or so, just get the colostrum out) but baby preferred her bottle and I didn’t produce enough milk. I wouldn’t have done it for long as I didn’t want to be the only person who could feed the baby. It works for some people not for others. My HV wasn’t pushy at all and said she would help me try to BF - if I wanted to. She advised against me BF and using formula due to risks of mastitis /infections. She also said after the colostrum has gone there are no health benefits. It sounds like you got the good stuff in anyway, so I’d just stop doing it

With my first, I never really managed breastfeeding. The midwifes managed to get him to latch at hospital twice but it was a tricky delivery and was swollen so I dont think he could easily. I felt so guilty I got up and pumped every night. So baby would wake for a bottle every 2 hours, would settle him then sit and pump for 40 mins then fall asleep and be woken 1 hrs later. Was killing me. I did that for 10 weeks until my doctor told me I was a nutter, that formula was fine and a baby needs a functioning mum (as far as you can be with no sleep at that stage).

Managed better with ds2 but it was very sore for 8 weeks and, only stubbornness kept me going (plus occasional formula bottles). Then it clicked and I was ok.

I just think we put too much pressure on ourselves. Of my formula vs breat fed babies I noticed no difference in bond with me, health etc.

My friend btw is doing very well still. No pnd and baby is now over a year old.

I am out the other side now. At the time it seemed like a big deal but now I see it's really not. Only you know your context. And if formula is your preference go for it. I did 5 months express feeding a non latcher. I look back now and think: why? Breastfeeding is worth a go. Formula is a faff. But rise above that stupid pressure. My DS has a smoothie a day which some would think is too much sugar. However he cannot eat fruit (weird texture gag thing). So I know smoothies are good in his context. Do what suits and your context is none of anyone elses business.

Hello All

Great answers and experiences here. You are all really understanding and as one poster mentioned, very rational. I have decided as I have already been feeling anxious about breastfeeding and where it could lead, I will just attempt the colostrum stage and then move to formula. Happy mum = Happy baby. Thanks for all your positive support!