DD(5) is exhausted and unhappy and I don't know how to help her

[Spanneroo]

Apologies for the long post. I'm on mobile, so can't guarantee paragraphs will show.p

DD has been going slowly down hill for a long time now. Since the summer at least, but it's hard to be sure when it started.

She's struggling with sleep, having previously been one of these "out like a light, sleeps like the dead" children. She now falls asleep ok but wakes in the early hours of the morning (2-3am most days) and, despite trying for hours, can never fall back to sleep. I don't know if this is the cause of her unhappiness or if it's the other way around, but feel it's relevant.

Behaviour-wise, she is brilliantly behaved at school. There are no issues with bullying (though there were some in Reception, which were resolved and have not resurfaced).

At home, she is rarely outright naughty but she cannot seem to listen to any instructions, and consequently gets in trouble a lot. She is also very snappy with her sister (2) and often does unkind things completely unprovoked, or shouts at her for no reason. She's also been known to whisper instructions for DD2, knowing full well it'll get her in trouble if she follows them. It is exhausting constantly asking her to do the same basic tasks, or telling her off for doing something she knows she's not supposed to be doing (little things like not using felt tip pens when sitting anywhere but the table).

But, when she's told off, she just bursts into tears, or barely holds them back. Like it's a) a surprise to her that she's being told off for pinching her sister) and b) as if we have screamed and shouted at her - this is very rare, but I have shouted on occasion, like when she was deliberately trying to slam DD2's fingers in the living room door for the 3rd time that morning.

She was such a ray of sunshine a year ago. Happy was her default setting. She was always willing to give something new a go, really keen to be kind to others, always laughing and giggling about something. And now she's just...not. The sleep deprivation has made her look quite ill and she just seems so deeply, deeply sad all the time. We have tried to make sure we do things just for her, take time to chat and do the things she loves, but she just continues to be more and more unhappy. I feel like we are failing her and I don't know what more we can do.

Has anyone had similar? I don't know where to turn and I need her to get better.

I’m really sorry your DD is going through this. I just wanted to come in to say that this is almost identical to what happened with DS, down to the bullying and not saying anything for ages - in fact we didn’t find out how bad it was for months after we withdrew him from the school.
The thing was though, that for a year after it all stopped, his behaviour was terrible. Properly terrible. It was like the dam had broken and he needed to get all the stuff out, and it had been made worse by being suppressed for so long. He had a wonderful teacher and SENCO, and we found him a play therapist, and going back to school in September (one year after it all stopped) he was a different child, back to the wonderful kid he really was.
I’m just wondering if some of this is in play for your DD, and the fact that she slept after going to the dr might point to it - she knows there are grown ups who have her back, that it’s ok to feel how she feels, and you are there to help. Had you thought of something like play therapy? Kids don’t always like talking about stuff to their parents, not because they are worried about getting into trouble, but because they can be quite protective of us!

If only you'd known a trip to the GP would result in a long sleep!

When I was around 9 or 10 I woke every night with the same frightened feeling - I wouldn't call it a nightmare - and I used to turn on my light and read until it got bright outside and I'd go back to sleep then. I was scared to go to bed until I figured out this method. After a few months I stopped waking but I slept with the light on until I was 12 or 13.

I never told my parents - just said it was a bad dream initially. I don't know if I was able to articulate the feeling of fear or dread. If I'd been a different type of child I might have not said bad dream, just that I was awake.

I think it was related to anxiety.

We have found that playing classical music very quietly really helps. We use Chopin's nocturnes but there is a classical cd for sleep on Amazon with good reviews too. We had no luck with white noise either... Also, if the doctor does check nutritional levels I think low iron/b12/vit d can all affect mood. Get well soon!