DD(5) is exhausted and unhappy and I don't know how to help her

[Spanneroo]

Apologies for the long post. I'm on mobile, so can't guarantee paragraphs will show.p

DD has been going slowly down hill for a long time now. Since the summer at least, but it's hard to be sure when it started.

She's struggling with sleep, having previously been one of these "out like a light, sleeps like the dead" children. She now falls asleep ok but wakes in the early hours of the morning (2-3am most days) and, despite trying for hours, can never fall back to sleep. I don't know if this is the cause of her unhappiness or if it's the other way around, but feel it's relevant.

Behaviour-wise, she is brilliantly behaved at school. There are no issues with bullying (though there were some in Reception, which were resolved and have not resurfaced).

At home, she is rarely outright naughty but she cannot seem to listen to any instructions, and consequently gets in trouble a lot. She is also very snappy with her sister (2) and often does unkind things completely unprovoked, or shouts at her for no reason. She's also been known to whisper instructions for DD2, knowing full well it'll get her in trouble if she follows them. It is exhausting constantly asking her to do the same basic tasks, or telling her off for doing something she knows she's not supposed to be doing (little things like not using felt tip pens when sitting anywhere but the table).

But, when she's told off, she just bursts into tears, or barely holds them back. Like it's a) a surprise to her that she's being told off for pinching her sister) and b) as if we have screamed and shouted at her - this is very rare, but I have shouted on occasion, like when she was deliberately trying to slam DD2's fingers in the living room door for the 3rd time that morning.

She was such a ray of sunshine a year ago. Happy was her default setting. She was always willing to give something new a go, really keen to be kind to others, always laughing and giggling about something. And now she's just...not. The sleep deprivation has made her look quite ill and she just seems so deeply, deeply sad all the time. We have tried to make sure we do things just for her, take time to chat and do the things she loves, but she just continues to be more and more unhappy. I feel like we are failing her and I don't know what more we can do.

Has anyone had similar? I don't know where to turn and I need her to get better.

When she wakes up in the middle of the night can she tell you why? Does she have nightmares? Is she properly awake like in the morning or half asleep saying stuff that makes no sense? Could there be something in her room that scares her? When she was allowed in the big bed with daddy did anything improve?

I wonder if it's only the lack of sleep that's causing the issues with behaviour. My DD sleeps but still behaves like yours, not following instructions, doing stuff she knows she's not supposed to. She is nice to her 1 year old sister but sometimes hits us or slams doors. It gets a lot worse during term time so in our case it's related to school.

It sounds really hard especially with tiny twins as you must be really stretched trying to help your DD but also generally surviving!

Sounds really tough op. My neice was a little older but was given a worry monster. You can get them cheap in the works or amazon. They are cuddly with a zipped mouth and she would write or draw her worries and the monster ate them. Sounds silly but worked a bit with her!

Also could try lavender or some sort of calming scent in her room at night? Have you got blackout blinds or white noise?

Might be worth a word with the school to see if they have noticed anything.

Sending you hugs x

I'd take her to the GP, describe the problem and they'll probably do blood tests e.g. for iron and vit D. Do you give her vit D supplements?

She's getting roughly 7-8 hours per night. Certainly not enough. She stayed up late on NYE and I was quietly hopeful that being absolutely dead on her feet might kick her cycles back into whack, but, despite sleeping a little later than usual that day, it hasn't made any other difference. Sleeping with Daddy was the same.

When she wakes, she's awake like she is in the morning, just really tired and keen to go back to sleep, she just can't. She has no idea why she wakes up, and describes it as her body thinking it's morning already. She tried to go back to sleep by telling stories in her brain (which is what she's done at bed time since she could talk) but she can't seem to drop off from it.

I will try tucking her in while I research weighted blankets. We have already invested in blackout blinds (she didn't like white noise). Let's see what the GP says today. I'm fully prepared for them to try to fob me off with "it's the twins"

Don't go with an expectation of being fobbed off. Be very clear what you want - to investigate and rule out physical causes.

don't take no for an answer from the GP. Make it very clear how long it has been going on for and that it predates the twins. Go back as many times as you have to until they take it seriously. Personally I find that if I go into conversations with medical professionals being determined in my mind that I will be taken seriously then the appointments somehow go much better. There may well be a simple and easily treatable physical cause.

Also, and I'm really sorry to ask this and I imagine you've already considered this, but has she spent any time alone with adults whose behaviour towards her could possibly be inappropriate?

OP. You sound like a great mum doing her very best in really tough circumstances

How about some little worry dolls? So rather then stories to self, she “gets rid of them” by telling dolls and putting under pillow? They often have them in oxfam shops

It is a big change from reception to year 1 certainly with the expectation for behaviour. It sounds like she is bottling up her feelings at school and letting them out at home where she feels safe. My year one aged child is definitely far better behaved at school/out of school clubs than she is at home.
Definitely GP to rule out anything physical and I would speak to school again to check everything is ok there.

We have a very firm expectation and reward system for behaviour as DD2 responds incredibly well to it

Are you sure? Is she putting a lot of pressure in herself to ‘do the right thing’ to fit in with the system? Rather than showing her feelings?

Look the GP has to do something about her sleep. Her unhappiness is a secondary issue, don't focus on it. Focus on the getting the sleep sorted. If she was only eating 70-80% of what she needs it would be a huge problem, and so is the sleep.

I'd take her to the GP first and foremost.
Take it from there.

How your DD behaves when she wakes up is nothing like what we have experienced with night waking. It almost sounds like her body clock is somehow going "wrong".

In this case I would take her to see a GP but as someone has suggested previously keep a sleep diary of when she wakes up and maybe how she behaves when it happens. If you can show the GP that your DD wakes up every night at 2 and struggles to get back to sleep he will be less likely to dismiss it as it being the twins or school. When you go to see the GP I would focus mostly on sleep and not so much behaviour. I have read that there are children's sleep clinics but I guess getting a referral there will be hard.

Good luck hope your can help your DD to go back to being a happy and content little girl!

Also maybe moving her bedtime as early as practical and making sure she is exposed to a lot of light during daytime might help reset her body clock.

Is she dry at night? If so how long for? Does she go to the loo when she wakes up/is that a dimly lit environment if she does?

Sorry for such a delay in replying. I'm sure you can all appreciate how busy my day is until DH gets home!

We took her to the GP this morning and saw a junior doctor who was actually really great. We focussed on the sleep, but also talked about the behaviour and unhappiness, as we are assuming they're linked. Also mentioned a sore tummy (forgot about this until this morning), as she complains of this often (though I suspect it's an excuse/psychosomatic). He has given us some homework (sleep and sore tummy diary), plus some behaviour-based survey forms for us and the school which will provide the basis for any referrals for behaviour/mental health concerns.

The doctors were keen not to start taking bloods etc. until we've done the diary and filled in the forms, so we are doing that first.

In the meantime, I'm having a meeting with the school teacher tomorrow to discuss and generally talk it through as she's so good at masking it all that it's a huge shock to the school that she's feeling so stressed and unhappy. I've talked to her again today about things she likes and dislikes at school and she hasn't revealed anything worrying.

To answer as many questions as I can:

She has been dry at night for at least 3.5 years. She was a very early potty trainer. The room is very very dimly lit (small string of fairy lights by the door of a very large bedroom, and she has a tent over the bed which helps her feel "snuggly" and blocks most of the light). She tends not to need a wee until well after she's woken up.

I agree that sleep is our primary issue and suspect most, if not all of her behavioural issues are a result of that, though we can't be sure until we get on top of it.

Squee she is almost exclusively looked after by me, DH, or school at the moment with the occasional play date with me and DD2 in attendance, though it did occur to me to check she hadn't been in contact with anyone who could have ill intentions.

Blouse yes, I'm sure. It's about intent of behaviour, not doing specific things.

I'm glad you saw a good doctor, it really helps to know you're on the road to getting sorted.

Any history of coeliac disease in the family? There was a thread on gluten and anxiety a few days ago. Only popped into my head when you mentioned the sore stomach. I had abdominal migraines as a child.

Could you try some lactulose over a couple of days? Non invasive and is sugar really. See if constipation is the cause of a bad stomach

I’ve recently started using the Happyself journal which has been helpful for my 5 year old. He’s also year 1 and has struggled with the transition. It helps him think of positive things that have happened in the day but also uses emoji to identify how he has felt through the day and he often picks out the sad face but we then talk about it.

OP. I can't bare the thought, but theres no risk, even a tiny one that she's being abused by someone?

Her masking bullying so well is so disturbing ☹

I hope you get to the bottom of this. I know it must be tearing you up inside to see her so low.

I would give her something to aid sleep.

I was waking up very early a while ago and three nights of sleeping tablets regulated my sleep again. It’s so lovely to wake up and feel rested!

Sorry if this has been brought up already, but could she be suffering from sleep apnea? I read an article about its effects on children some time ago but I can’t find it now to link to. Iirc it was talking about how when children suffer from sleep apnea it tends to be the effects on daytime behaviour which is observed first.

I assumed you were doing all the stuff people do to help sleep - though normally it's falling asleep is the problem - so I didn't mention any. Screen time is the obvious one I suppose. I do notice with DS that he sleeps less if he's had more screen time but maybe that's as he hasn't been as active that day. And only 30 minutes less or so. No difference at night time, wakes earlier in the morning.

I don’t think her masking at school is disturbing or points towards possible abuse, tbh. It’s common in girls, especially girls who aren’t neurotypical. Not to say I think your DD is on the autism spectrum OP, but girls are prone to mask their unhappiness at school, I think, whatever the cause.

Well, day 1 of the sleep diary and guess who slept until 7am for the first time in months?!

I wonder if going to the doctor yesterday has helped reassure her somehow. Will have to see how things pan out over the next few days/weeks speaking with school etc.

No history of coeliac disease in the family, though my dad is adopted so we can only guess there.

She has almost no screen time. Spends all her time drawing!