Homework battles with 8YO ruining weekend and our relationship

[alphasox]

I’m so fed up with school homework. All it does is ruin our family time. DS (8YO) gets 2 maths sheets on a Friday, to be handed in Monday, spellings and times tables to practice every evening. So not loads, but with work and clubs we rarely have time to do much Monday - Friday.
He has always been a challenge to get him to do it. But the last few months it’s extreme bad behaviour whenever I ask him to do it. I have previously had success either with just doing it as soon as we got in, (this was a perfect routine when he was younger, before he started to voice opinion and trying to wheedle out of it), then we had a rule of “no tv until it’s done”, and then it became, no tv and no pudding until it’s done. Bribery worked, although it’s been getting less and less successful as time has gone on.

This weekend it’s descended into all out screaming. I say no tv, so we have had no tv since Thursday. He screams, stomps off, Slams doors anytime I mention it. Then today after the whole weekend so far being about these arguments I had had enough. He is ruining family time for everyone (there are siblings).

So I pulled out my last resort that I hate using but usually is the threat that makes him see sense. I have removed all his toys and he can earn them back by doing homework.

Did this work? Course not. He’s now sitting in his brothers’ room playing with baby toys.

Shall I just say sod it then and let him keep failing the tables and spelling tests and not handing in homework?

I really want him to do well at school and he’s a bright kid but just can’t be bothered. I also don’t want to ruin a love of learning as when he’s engaged about a subject he can be really curious and interested in learning. He just refuses the home work.

Please help with any strategies?

Have you talked to his teacher?

No, not yet. that’s next on my list. Thank you.

Homework was the biggest cause if arguments with my son. I'd talk to the school about it - they may have strategies or a solution (like is there a homework club he can go to fridays)?

What advice has his teacher given you?

What’s he like at school?

I also think that there is little value in homework at that age but I know thats not a popular position.

Perhaps he needs to learn what happens if he doesn't do homework?

I should add that he generally has got 1 or 2 right (out of 20) on his spelling tests every week since September and has been stuck on his 3x tables all year despite many in his class finishing them. But he doesn’t care about those results. He just sees school as a social opportunity I feel!

I never pushed mine to do homework at all during primary school. They still did it without problems when they got to secondary school. It didn't affect their grades.

Yes, I would just leave it. I don't think we let children be children for anywhere near long enough these days.

There a hormonal surge around this age that I'd bet is responsible for all this. Unless there's something underlying going on. (like undiagnosed dyslexia or discalcula, or he's been embarrassed at school about his abilities or something like that).

As the adult, it's our job to take the heat out of all of this. Instead of negative punishment have you tried positive? C'mon, let's get this done as soon as possible and I'll make you a hot chocolate and watch an episode of whatever with you.

I also used to explain to mine that there's an easy way to do things and a hard way. All this tantrum ming and punishment is the hard way and it sucks. The easy way is that we sit together, no fuss, get it done and have a treat after. Which one ds?

If he is generally bright could it be something like dyslexia? 1 or 2 out of 20 with no improvement since September sounds maybe not quite right.

He might be kicking off as he is finding it all too much to cope with if he has undiagnosed needs. He may also just be a stubborn child!!

Stop being the 'bad guy' in his eyes. Send him to school not having done it. Let him cop it from the teachers instead of you.

I had this with DD last year. In the end we said 10-11 Sunday morning is homework time. I gave reminders in the week and the night before then on Sunday at 9 id say homework at 10 but you can pick a game to play for me to play with you for 1 hour afterwards and I’ll play it whatever. Initially we still had strops and screaming and refusals but once she realised I wasn’t messing about she mostly got on with it. Plus she really enjoyed me playing one hour of vets or whatever she wanted me to play with her. Now a year later it’s just accepted Sunday 10am is homework time.

I agree that you need a meeting with the teacher alone and then with your son also, to discuss why homework is issued and what happens if he doesn't do it. Some children just don't care about consequences. You do need to follow through on everything but sometimes it can be counter productive if they blame the homework for the loss of everything rather than understand it is their own behaviour that has led to it!

Also, try and have a calm serious talk with , listen to him and try and get out of him what the problem is. If he just doesn't want to do it, then he will have to understand at some point that he doesn't have much choice :(

DD is a bit older , but I had to ban all tv and tablet at times in order to get her to do her homework. If she doesn't do it now then she gets a detention (Y7).

We struggled with homework in primary due to work/clubs etc, but you really do have to find the time somewhere to do the readings/spellings etc. We had to drop a club in the end.

As a teacher, homework drives me crazy. I think it’s utterly ridiculous that children’s free time and their family time, which is limited, should be resigned to homework. I try and give out as little as possible.

However, he obviously gets quite a bit and needs to get it done.

Pop into school and have a chat with the teacher.

It’s more than likely there is either a homework club on at lunchtime or after school, or if they are extra nice, they might agree to sit with him during lunchtime once a week to get it down. The 2 benefits of this are A) rhe homework gets done but most importantly B) as soon as he realises that he has to lose his lunchtime play to do homework, he will probably just do it at home instead

Ps on the days when she was completely unmoveable I said fine leave it but you’ll have to explain to your teacher why.

I had similar battles with my daughter over piano practice. I drew up a timetable for after school and weekends and we filled in her regular activities then I asked her when she could fit in her homework and piano practice and screen time. She suggested when she could do it and every night we consult the timetable to see what she agreed to. So far it's working. She knows if she doesn't do her practice, she doesn't get her screen time slot.

Stop doing it and let him deal with the consequences from school.

@Pipandmum they do, I suggested that and he refused to go. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Totally chat to the teacher and make sure you understand if there is a root cause of this. If no root cause as to why he is struggling eg it’s a won’t rather than a can’t then chat to the teacher maybe he could do the homework during the week

For the 3 times table, can you give him some practical things to do, such as sticking dots on paper in groups of 3? Even with food, get him to count out peas for example, in threes. For the spellings, would he find it more interesting if you get some magnetic letters and a board? Mixing up the letter in a word and putting them in the right order. He might view this as fun rather than 'homework.'

I used to teach his age group and one of the things that I said to every parent was, “Don’t let homework become a battle, tell me and I’ll handle it.” There we’re always at least 2 a week who either didn’t understand or didn’t want to do the work, so I would sit them at the back of the room at quiet reading time/assembly/break and give them either the help or space to get it done. Children tended to be much more compliant with me (their teacher) than their parents. I hope the school will support you and help in some way.
Does school have a homework club?

You don't need to practise spellings and time tables every evening

Taking his toys away is going too far

Leave it to the school

At that age your relationship is more important

Where's his dad in all this ?

As a teacher, I'd say homework is important in Primary school and having the parents support the attitudes of work is needed to develop a good work ethic for secondary and beyond. It is clear you are trying your hardest to do this. Rather than sanction though, do the reverse and praise. For our son we have a rewards chart and one of the things on it is reading his reading book (without playing up) and completing homework. For every 20 stars he gets £5. On top of this, to get the ball rolling we used a sweet treat and heavy praise. The minute it goes to refusal, stop for a bit, then return to it a little later when he has calmed down. If he still refuses let him know you will speak to his teacher (often this works also - ours doesn't like letting his teacher down) and make sure then if he still refuses you do speak to the teacher for further strategies. It shows thay way even if he isn't completing it you see the importance in it and you have given him clear choices and he knows the consequences.

My son hasn't had HW since yr1 . The school keep them an xtra 15 minutes every day to do "practice time". It's a massive relief for the whole family . He is in year 6 now and I wasn't looking forward to the amount of Hw when he starts secondary, but I have recently heard they don't hand it out either certainly not untill GCSE start . There are other ways school can operate where HW is concerned.
Maybe speak to some other parents, school governors and the head to see if an alternative can be achieved ?