Homework battles with 8YO ruining weekend and our relationship

[alphasox]

I’m so fed up with school homework. All it does is ruin our family time. DS (8YO) gets 2 maths sheets on a Friday, to be handed in Monday, spellings and times tables to practice every evening. So not loads, but with work and clubs we rarely have time to do much Monday - Friday.
He has always been a challenge to get him to do it. But the last few months it’s extreme bad behaviour whenever I ask him to do it. I have previously had success either with just doing it as soon as we got in, (this was a perfect routine when he was younger, before he started to voice opinion and trying to wheedle out of it), then we had a rule of “no tv until it’s done”, and then it became, no tv and no pudding until it’s done. Bribery worked, although it’s been getting less and less successful as time has gone on.

This weekend it’s descended into all out screaming. I say no tv, so we have had no tv since Thursday. He screams, stomps off, Slams doors anytime I mention it. Then today after the whole weekend so far being about these arguments I had had enough. He is ruining family time for everyone (there are siblings).

So I pulled out my last resort that I hate using but usually is the threat that makes him see sense. I have removed all his toys and he can earn them back by doing homework.

Did this work? Course not. He’s now sitting in his brothers’ room playing with baby toys.

Shall I just say sod it then and let him keep failing the tables and spelling tests and not handing in homework?

I really want him to do well at school and he’s a bright kid but just can’t be bothered. I also don’t want to ruin a love of learning as when he’s engaged about a subject he can be really curious and interested in learning. He just refuses the home work.

Please help with any strategies?

My 10 year old gets spellings to learn every week but that's the only homework.

I remember those days with my daughter ... screams and tantrums for over an hour over 10 mins of homework, ruined nearly every weekend until about year 5. My DS was never quite as bad, but obv picked up a few tips from his big sister. Whatever, though I always read stories to them at bedtime. I would advise doing it first thing in the morning so there is the promise of something nice once done.

Interestingly, having persevered with her from year 5 onwards and into secondary and so forth, has been extremely conscientious but my son had some wilderness years in early Senior but then focussed last two years.

I feel it is worthwhile persevering because it worked out for us. On reflection, wish had discussed with the school class teacher as they may have had strategies or suggestions to help. For example, sure DD would have hated the school knowing about her mouth foamingly bad tantrums might have helped her gain control of herself if she knew this might be shared.

I could have written this myself a few years ago. My son is in Y6 now but homework has ruined our weekends every week since Reception. Sunday afternoon came to be a time we both dreaded and both ended up in tears.

I don't have any practical advice for you but maybe I can give you a light at the end of the tunnel. Suddenly in Y5 he settled down on his own and just got on with it with no tantrums. He's now in Y6 and getting extra homework to prep for the SATs which I was dreading but he's very much taking it in his stride.

Retrospectively I wish I had done what you have been advised here and discussed it with his teachers. I never did as felt it was more of a home issue. He was always well behaved at school. I think it would have made a world of difference though to hear from his teachers that it wasn't optional and to know he had their support if he was struggling so with the benefit of hindsight I would definitely recommend you do this.

Why don't you try one more time to get him to do this weekends HW. If he still refuses write on the sheets "dear teacher. Very sorry but DS refused to do this HW and screamed and cried when we tried to get him to do it. Please advise. From DS mum" Would he be ashamed having to hand that in, or would he not care?

Given he is doing so badly in the tests I would suspect there is more than just lack of willingness to this. Perhaps he feels embarrassed and doesn’t want his “failure” highlighted to you by you seeing how he struggles. I’d be off to speak to the teacher as is suspect the homework refusal is a symptom of a problem rather than the cause.

I have a nine year old who similarly doesn't ever want to do homework.
I was told by his year two teacher to never get into battles and calmly say it's fine and write a note to the teacher to say he wouldn't do it.
I did this once, and now I only need to say fine, I'll write a quick note, and he does it immediately.
I also never quality control what he does. It is not worth the stress it causes and the teachers are very happy with this approach(most teachers think there is little research that primary age homework has any benefit).
Good luck.

I’m a primary school teacher and I hate homework, and I’d hate it if homework I was setting was having this impact on a child/family. I really feel it has limited benefit, other than reading and learning times tables. Learning spellings is particularly pointless, as even the ones who do learn them and get 10/10 usually spell them wrong in their writing a few weeks later.

Definitely go in and speak to the teacher. They may have some strategies. You may find they that their schools homework policy and wish they didn’t have to set it. Parental feedback that it’s too much may lead to a policy change in the long run.

You say he refused to go to homework club - if you just signed him up and then didn’t turn up to collect him TIL it’s over, what would be do? Is he compliant in school? Most kids in that situation would trot off to homework club, even if they moan about it at home. Tell him if he does his work at home he doesn’t have to go to club.

Like others have suggested, assuming he’s compliant at school, I’d be tempted to write a note to the teacher saying he refused to do it. If I received a note like that from a parent, I’d talk to the child in question, and in many cases the child would be so embarrassed at the teacher having to tell them off for not doing their work they wouldn’t let it happen a second time.

Of course, most of this doesn’t work if he doesn’t care about school and is badly behaved there. But if that’s the case, I’d say homework is the least of your worries.

Thank uou all so much for your replies. I went from feeling really wretched about this all morning to feeling more relaxed now. We had another argument initially as I told him I was going to email his teacher and ask her advice on what I should be doing to help -
He went crazy at me about that but I kept stressing that it was about ME asking for help and advice on what I should do. So he left it.
She replied super fast (slightly worried about her work life balance but that’s a whole different post!)
She said. Don’t worry, leave it and I’ll chat with him (carefully) tomorrow and see if we can work out what’s going on and then I’ll come back to you to discuss. But she added, as so many of you have above - that she doesn’t think h/w matters too much at this age anyway so she doesn’t want me or him getting stressed about it.
Let’s see what happens tmrw and next weekend.

It’s been helpful to hear from teachers above and also those of you who have been through it - thanks for the wisdom of your experience.

To those of you that mention it could be a sign of deeper difficulties-
I’ve raised this before but teachers are happy with his class progress (he’s near the bottom of the class but he’s an August baby and IS still progressing as expected). He has had SEN assessments in y2 and y3 and both times they said they think he’s just very easily distracted and doesn’t like to challenge himself. He’s very eloquent and asks great questions and can explain lots but struggles to get his thoughts, ideas etc down on paper. He’s a physical sporty boy who hates sitting still. Which isn’t unusual I think, it so the teachers and SEN assessor tell me.

Thank you again!

He needs to be a fluent reader and to know his tables inside out. Focus on finding ways he will practice those (through games etc) and bin the rest.

I couldn't stand home work when mine were in primary.

Free time should be free time.! Not homework looming over you spoiling it. I absolutely refused to engage in it.. and told the school so. I spelt it out plainly, mine would be having fun when not at school. (Every single teacher agreed but 'had to set it for the pushy parents')
Instead mine learned to build camps (mathematics , algebra) went on walks (biology, botany , local /national history, ) and watched /listened to books (English/English literature/vocabulary))

Twenty years later one is a doctor, one is an Urban planner and the other a lecturer in English. Stop playing this fuck awful game. If they are 'bright' they will succeed and do so despite the ridiculous national curriculum.

All state school educated btw

I’m glad the teacher got back to you. She sounds very reasonable.

I’m a teacher myself and would hate to think a piece of homework I’d set caused this much agro.

After years of crying over homework, I now set a timer for 15 mins and ask them to do what they can in that time, then do the same another day.

I’m on child number 3 now and getting a bit braver at not conforming. Children should not live their lives like hamsters on a wheel.

We haven’t finished this weekend’s homework because my son was in tears over it. I’ve to him. We’ve been out on country walks today and yesterday and we played a board game. That’s more beneficial than a homework sheet in my opinion. And he’s only 3!

Should read ‘I’ve READ to him.’