EBF, need a break, give up?

[Andersonx3]

My DD is 8 weeks old and is EBF. My husband went back to work after 1 week and so I've been alone with her since then. He leaves at 8 and returns at 6, but only watches baby whilst
I shower and cook dinner, then she's mine again. During the day I don't eat and maybe have 1 drink, because DD won't sleep unless she's on me or it's night time. When she does sleep and I manage to get her down, I have to look after the dog and clean the house etc so no time to even eat.
I need a break. I need to be able to eat a meal without holding her, ending up feeding and having my dinner cold an hour later. I need to sleep. I need to be able to do things without planning 4 hours ahead.
I do express but can never get enough to make more than one feed, so DD can't be left as she could demolish her bottle she still want more.
I know 'fed is best' but we made the decision to EBF as we believe that's what's right for her. I'm now thinking of combi feeding. Am I being weak? Should I persevere or slowly introduce formula? Any advice? A

Wow you poor thing - absolutely try formula.

Your baby will be happy if you're happy, and you're clearly (understandably!) not. Nothing bad will come of a few bottle feeds.

I'm only a few weeks into EBF my DD so I can't offer many practical tips, but I have mastered eating while feeding - nothing hot or messy, of course. Try that?

Absolutely nothing wrong with introducing formula if that's what you want to do, but my question is what is your husband doing to help? You say he takes her while you shower and cook, but that's it? If he isn't already, perhaps he could make sandwiches for you to grab and eat whilst feeding during the day? And could he not do some house chores in the evening once you are feeding the baby? At least that would mean when you get the baby to sleep you don't have to clean, and can have a rest instead!

There's nothing wrong in giving it up, you haven't failed anything.

Combi feeding can work really well, I wish it was given more publicity. I combi fed my baby from birth, one bottle a day, worked very well.

Please be wary of assuming that bottle feeding will give you more time. I have many friends who bottle fed in the hope that their partners would share feeds and just ended up with more washing up to do.

Nothing wrong with introducing formula if that's what you want to do, but I suspect that without your dh upping his game first, things will likely carry on as normal.

Can he not take over when he comes home? Put on a wash? Clear up? Cook dinner? Take dd so that you can have a bath, a nap, eat?

Don't be hard on yourself, if you think it's right absolutely try formula. Combi feeding is a good option if you don't want to stop bf all together and you can always drop bottles later if you want to.

It's completely up to you and you aren't weak at all. 8 weeks is a long time to ebf especially when baby won't be put down.

I'm bfing my 7 week old, he's had a few bottles when I just need a rest (I don't even mind giving the bottle as long as my boobs get a break!). He will only sleep on me or in the pram/car/sling through the day and we cosleep at night, it's a lot to have them attached to you all day every day. At least with a bottle your dp or someone else can help.

Have you got a sling? It's not ideal but it at least gives your hands back if she'll settle? with practise you can feed in the sling to make cooking or eating easier.

God no! You absolutely go for it. We are mammals and the biological norm for us is to breastfeed. However we are not supposed to be living like we are- often far away from family, we are supposed to be in groups where we all support one another. If formula makes things easier for you then it's a good thing.

If you need a break, that’s your choice. Happy mum is the most important thing. One thing I would say - breastfeeding is definitely extremely intense for the 12 weeks as you are establishing your supply. After that, it is honesty a lot easier. It’s whether you want to hang on for another 4 weeks.

I will add, my dc1 was bottle fed from 8 weeks and was still super clingy, would only sleep on me.

Make sure your dp is pulling his weight and helping you.

You don’t have a feeding issue, you have a DH issue. He needs to pull his weight more and help you. Baby won’t need feeding constantly so he is more that capable of taking her for a walk for an hour. He should also be doing his share of the house work!

I EBF my first as he wouldn’t take a bottle at all. My second I introduced a bottle of formula before bed at around 6 weeks so that I could go out in an evening for 2 hours twice a week for work.

If you want to try using formula then go for it. Just do it slowly so that it doesn’t affect your supply if you want to continue breastfeeding.

I know exactly how you feel. For me, EBF was right for us so I didn’t consider formula. I waited it out and we got there in the end. It doesn’t last forever and I miss BF my babies. BUT whatever choice you make has to be right for you.

Thank you all for the responses. Makes me feel much less 'guilty' about wanting a break and thinking of introducing formula.

Had a big row with DH last week regarding him slacking. He does help occasionally but sometimes it's a case of it makes life easier if I do things myself. He's a good dad, dotes over her, just isn't helpful when it comes to actually caring for her. I think I'll have another chat. Even if he had a bottle to give on the days I can't express or can't express enough, I guess it would give me a few hours to do anything I need.

I plan to BF til 6 months then see how we feel when weaning, but I would also like to be able to leave DD with family for a few hours every now and then and as in my OP, I can't express enough for that so maybe bringing formula in would get her ready for when I do decide to leave her with family.

Your husband needs to be preparing meals and snacks for you. And you need a fridge full of filling foods you can just grab. Dh never left the house in the morning without putting a snack next to me and he made sure I had one on the bedside table before he went to bed for overnights. Unless you are disabled, you should be able to get up from the sofa and get something from the fridge or the cupboard that’s been left for you. Massive bottle of water and tea in a flask next to you.

I would agree that you shouldn’t assume bottle feeding will make life easier. It’s not easier or quicker and it won’t mean you can put your baby down with less fuss. I ff one and bf one and I had much more free time bf. Timing bottles, washing, sterilising them and making them up is a massive faff. If you don’t have time to make a cup of tea or a meal, it will be no easier for you to make a bottle (and then carry a screaming baby around for 10 minutes while it cools).

Your dh needs to sort things out so you have less to do, also more dog care (or get a dog walker for a few weeks). The housework will wait till the weekend.

Can honestly say that with my first I didn't make it out of the house for the first 5 months - had a terrible time establishing feeding (ebf) and had moved to an new area. Re the breastfeeding I'd give it another 4 weeks or so. Sounds like you're doing everything right and baby is being completely normal!! (I say this as a mum of 8 and had the first 3 in under 3 years). Without wanting to be harsh - some of this is a little bit "welcome to motherhood" it's HARD work and EVERYTHING changes!!

Re the husband. We had the arrangement that he did nappies and bathing and I did the feeding! Whilst he bathed the baby/did nappy changes I got a bit of a break. Also at the weekend he held whilst I did (whatever the did was).

Absolutely do not feel guilty, bf did not work out for me physically or mentally and using bottles too was the best decision I made.

Also, saying 'we' have made the decision to ebf is not right, because it is not 'we' who is doing it, it's you, your body, your decision. You sound exhausted and your husband needs to step up and start helping you. And if you do continue to bf during the day, then make sure you are eating! You can't look after yourself and feed a hungry baby if you only having one drink during the day! You're important too.

Combo feeding can work really well. I used to give DD a bottle feed at about 5pm to stave off the evening madness and give me a bit of a break. Figure out what would work best for you and go for it! I still breastfed at night and the rest of the day, so it didn't have much impact on supply. One or two bottles a day isn't much of a hassle to wash and sterilise. I found health visitors weren't very good at giving advice on combo feeding, though.

I combi fed both my children. My first because we struggled with bf and I had no choice. But my second I actively planned to, even though she did well with bf.

DH used to give her a bottle around 10/11pm and I’d go to bed as soon as possible after dinner and that would usually take her through til 1 or 2am. I really needed that break. When she was older it meant I could leave her for a few hours as she’d always take a bottle. I did express when I could, but never got enough so gave up for my own sanity

Your not far away from bf being easier than ff.

• your husband needs to start pulling his weight
• buy one or two contingo travel mugs. Make two teas or coffee or hit chocolates at a time. At bedtime your husband should be making you a hot drink in a travel mugs and topping up your water bottle as well as bringing your snacks
• Get a sling for nap times but don’t be afraid to cosleep and nap with your baby during the day
• buy yourself ready meals on your online shopping for lunch time
• you need to look after yourself to be able to look after your baby

There is nothing wrong with combi or formula feeding. If you want to introduce a bottle a day I would do it sooner rather than later.

DH cooked every day when he got in and we did the bare minimum of cleaning til we got a cleaner about that point.

'we made the decision' only works if both parts of 'we' are pulling their weight

I combi feed - 3 bottles of formula per day, approx 9 bf.

Just make sure he has a clue how to do the bottles otherwise you're no better off in all honesty

Your husband is 100% the problem here. Of course EBF is difficult if you have to do all the cleaning and cooking. Be pro-active about this before it gets worse. Tell him what to do to help (eg 'I'm too tired to make dinner tonight. Can you do it while I have a nap?' Or 'shes just finished a feed so I'm going to bed. Please dont wake me until she is hungry again')

I've text him today as he's at work, he's said he tries to help and that I don't ask him to to anything. AIBU to think I shouldn't have to ask?

I plan to buy lots of snacky bits this weekend for next week so I can grab them, no heating/cooking involved and eat whilst she feeds and sleeps. I do have a flask, DH actually got it me for Christmas, so I do use that for hot drinks when I can!

Breastfeeding is hard, but switching to bottles probably won't be the magic time-saver you're hoping for. Chances are, your baby will still sleep on you, and feeds will take just as long once you're making bottles up.
It will get easier, you will have more time eventually, but for now, you need to get as much help as possible. Your DH needs to massively step up.
My husband had no idea how much of my time it took up when we first had a baby, but he is fab now.

And yes, you have to ask. Sadly, and I'm generalising obvs, they have no idea how much needs to be done.
That's why we're all nagging wives 🙄

I'm tandem feeding my 2 year old and my 10 week old I cant move for kids 😂 ds dad will have the baby for a chunk at night so I can have a sleep. Even with a bottle he wants to sleep on people. If it works do it. Can you feed and then give to OH? So baby can sleep on him for a bit to give you a rest?