6yo DD's 'boyfriend' has asked her to 'rub bottoms'

[JustaScratch]

So, help me work out how to handle this, mumsnet!

6yo DD is a very confident and happy girl with lots of friends, and tbh is a bit of an exhibitionist (I've had to talk to her in the past about not taking her clothes off at parties). We have a pretty open and honest style of parenting with her.

She has recently become close with a boy in her class and told me last week that they are boyfriend and girlfriend and that he kisses her on the lips.

Anyway, yesterday, she told us that he had told her about what boyfriends and girlfriends do - she explained it as saying they 'rub their bottoms together' and that he wants to do it. It all seems pretty innocent and she thinks it's hilarious but we don't want her to think this is a good idea and I want to handle it right. I've said we would talk about it at the weekend.

For background - we've talked since she was little about where babies come from, but haven't got to explaining the mechanics of it yet. My natural instinct is to be honest, but at 6yo I feel like she's a bit young to have all the graphic detail, and I also don't want to give her any ideas! We also don't want her finding herself in an uncomfortable or inappropriate situation and not know what to do.

What would you do?

Go immediately to the teacher and report this. It’s highly sexualised behaviour and is a safeguarding concern

Look to the NSPCC website for advice.

Yes, sorry I should added to talk to the school and report it as a concern.
But the NSPCC have good advice about how to speak to your daughter about her own body/privacy.

I would speak to the teacher or safeguarding lead ASAP. It needs reporting urgently as a safeguarding concern.

tell her she's too little to have a 'boyfriend', and kissing on the lips is something grown ups do.

TBH I don't think talking about 'rubbing bottoms together' is highly sexualised behaviour. That sounds like a child who has a vague idea about sexuality and is trying to make sense of it. Likewise 'kissing on the lips' is easily observed and he wants to imitate- perhaps just out of curiosity. However I would still mention it to the teacher to be on the safe side.
But don't get too worried about it. Kids copy grown ups all the time.

This is really alarming for a 6 year old to be honest, I agree that you should report it to school straight away as this boy could be being sexually abused. I would be worried about my dd in this situation, explain that it’s not appropriate (are you ok with the kissing on the lips?? I wouldn’t be) and I wouldn’t want her spending time with this child without direct adult supervision. To me this isn’t normal kid stuff, it’s very over the top for 6 year olds.

I would be horrified. It's a major safeguarding concern.

If you're genuine you need to get imo school pronto, and talk seriously to your daughter about boundaries. Kissing on the lips and you're ok with that at 6?

My first thought is that the boy is witnessing sexual acts. Do you know his parents? Is it something that might be happening? This would ring alarm bells for me, and I echo the other posters who suggest raising a safeguarding concern with the school.

No, we don't know his parents except in passing at the school gate, but he does have older brothers, which I thought may have been an influencing factor.

When I say kiss on the lips - I only mean a peck - we bumped into him and his family at a local event recently and they gave each other a hug and a peck on the lips then. That's all she means. We live in Europe where people tend to be a bit more physically expressive so it's not that unusual here, so I wasn't too worried about that, but I'm obviously not happy about the recent developments.

Thanks for the replies so far.

Report immediately to the school safeguarding lead, don't say anything more to your daughter until someone trained has interviewed her. Unfortunately it is a sign that the boy in question is being abused, or at least seeing something he shouldn't. My DD reported similar conversation at school and the school was extremely concerned and interviewing the children involved within a few hours.

The lip kissing is something some families do, but the bottom rubbing is in a whole different class.

Maybe the older brothers are exposing the little boy to porn films? I can imagine teenagers thinking it's highly amusing showing x-rated stuff to children, not realising the dangers and the harm it can do. Please speak to the school.

I agree speak to school but also try some of these books. It sometimes really helps to have a guide fir difficult conversations.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Some-Parts-are-NOT-Sharing/dp/1606966030/ref=mpssa112?keywords=some+parts+are+not+for+sharing&qid=1578677141&sprefix=some+parts+&sr=8-2

https://www.amazon.co.uk/My-Underpants-Rule-Rod-Power/dp/0992953006/ref=mpssa111?keywords=some+parts+are+not+for+sharing&qid=1578677183&sprefix=some+parts+&sr=8-1

I’m glad I grew up in the ‘70’s when children were allowed to be children and adults didn’t think having a ‘boyfriend’ or whatever was alarming and that the daft ‘show me yours & I’ll show you mine’ games meant abuse. The world has most definitely gone mad

There's a great book called 'Mummy Laid an egg'. It's light hearted and frank, and gives you somewhere to start!

Hey I remember thinking when I was a kid that's how you made babies! And my son told me he practised kissing with a couple boys at that age. It's monkey see monkey do.
Just tell her that's what grown ups do and not for little girls and boys. I'm not all that het up about it - sounds kinda normal kiddie behaviour to me. But agree you need to reign her in a bit and handle this relationship sensitively.

I'd just say, well, he sounds a very rude and silly boy - why don't you play with someone nicer? But mention it to the teacher.

Why does your yr6 child have a boyfriend?

Speak to the teacher.

My son has a “girlfriend” that he wants to marry and kiss; they’re 6. I’ve already told him that he isn’t to kiss her and have spoken to her mum (who is a friend) that if she gets upset with his attention then she should tell me immediately. Boys need to learn from a young age respect for girls. I find the whole “boyfriend/girlfriend” thing at this age bloody weird (although it’s innocent), but don’t think it should be encouraged

@BestOption please tell me you are being sarcastic?

@BestOption we should NOT be looking to the 70s as a guide ffs! We used to have concrete in playgrounds then too , oh yes and Mr Saville 🙄

Thanks everyone. We had a bit more of a talk this evening and there are definitely a few concerning elements - she mentioned a 'secret corner' in the playground. We'll arrange a meeting with the school next week. I'm so pleased she told us - I hope she continues to be that honest with us!

Definitely speak to the teacher.

As others have said, demonstrating such sexualised behaviour at such a young age is definitely a safeguarding concern.