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Parenting

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Original poster

Daughters noticed friends stammer

29 replies

Liveforfridays · 08/01/2020 18:42

Hi everyone. My DD is almost five. Her best friend at school a boy is the same age. We all spend alot of time together (his parents included) the last six months or so he's been tripping over his words sometimes. I figured it was just the excitement of having lots to say.

We've been with him alot this week after school especially. He is really struggling to talk. This morning he was saying each word in a sentence several times and struggling to start the sentence.

After school today. My DD came home today and asked me why James says and and and and. I I I I I and erm erm erm erm. I tried to change the subject.

Then she said she wants to do it too. I tried my best to explain he can't help it and it's not a good idea to copy it as you may end up not being able to talk properly anymore.

She has said a couple of things like it this evening. Any ideas how I nip this in the bud? I don't want her doing it Infront of him or getting herself in a habit.

I am not 100% sure if this is something he's going to grow out of. My friend did mention the teacher had asked her if he had had speech therapy but she said it more as thought he was saying the wrong letters like lello instead of yellow. That's not really my business anyway. I have noted it's got alot worse but I don't feel I should mention it to my friend. I'm just so worried my DD will mention it!

OP posts:

speakball · 09/01/2020 09:48

i tried to change the subject.

Why? Just tell her some children do this when they're little. Tell her to just be patient and give him time. Also do you actually think your dd could end up with a stammer just by mimicking him?? Sorry but that's a bit ridiculous.

gamerchick · 09/01/2020 10:04

After school today. My DD came home today and asked me why James says and and and and. I I I I I and erm erm erm erm. I tried to change the subject

What on earth for? Your bairn asked you a question and you answer in an age appropriate way.

You're being ridiculous in thinking it's somehow catching.

gamerchick · 09/01/2020 10:07

You're not being very kind either. Gaining a bit of knowledge on something that even indirectly affects you rather than pretending it isn't there makes you a more tolerant person

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5 year olds Families General parenting

PinkyU · 09/01/2020 10:12

“Some people can struggle with their words, it’s important to be patient and not do things (like copy) that could hurt your friends feelings”.

In the kindest way, I’d advise you to try to do a small amount of reading on this subject as your post hasn’t come across as particularly compassionate.

milliefiori · 09/01/2020 10:16

Just explain how stammering works in a way a 5 year old can understand. Tell her that your brain has an idea and normally it tells your mouth how to say that idea out loud and your mouth does. But some brains get the message a bit tangled up so the mouth knows it wants to speak and the brain knows what it wants the mouth to say but there's a muddle in between so the mouth just repeats words automaticlaly while the brain sorts out the muddle.

speakball · 09/01/2020 11:47

Op imagine your dc had a stammer/asd/eczema and you knew other parents thought their dc could 'catch it' if they played with your dc?

LochJessMonster · 09/01/2020 11:50

How is the OP not being compassionate? She was put on the spot and encouraged her child not to copy the stammer. Perfectly reasonable.

And its perfectly reasonable not to want your child to copy the stammer for a number of reasons - it could become habit and affect her speech development or it could be construed as teasing. Both of which no one wants. Shes not acting like it's infectious ffs.

Original poster

Liveforfridays · 09/01/2020 11:51

Usual idiots on here replying. She said she wanted to copy him. I don't want her to start doing it because it's not nice if he notices and obviously she could continue to do it thinking it's a fun quirk.

I don't want her to hurt his feelings. Jesus this site gets worse.

OP posts:

LochJessMonster · 09/01/2020 11:51

I like what @milliefiori said.

LochJessMonster · 09/01/2020 11:52

I got you op. Not sure why pp have acted like you've said they can't hang out anymore

purpleme12 · 09/01/2020 11:52

I also wonder why you tried to change the subject you just answer their questions truthfully

And you just explain why she shouldn't do it in purpose

Original poster

Liveforfridays · 09/01/2020 11:53

@LochJessMonster thank you! I wrote that in a kind way. My partner had a stammer as a child and we are clued up on it as he had speech therapy and was also bullied. I am not wanting my child to do it at him to hurt him.

Mumsnet has become a hideous place and I am going to stop using it. It's full of people ready to attack and twist everything you put

OP posts:

purpleme12 · 09/01/2020 11:54

You can't let the horrible comments affect you in a forum. Unfortunately there will be horrible comments you can't let them affect you

Original poster

Liveforfridays · 09/01/2020 11:57

I know. I had to change my name as I was massively jumped on the other week. It just never changes. I find it a really bitchy place now and I'm always misunderstood. In the last few weeks alone I've been called sad, a horrible person, now I come on to aload of replies accusing me of saying my daughter will catch a stammer. When I actually meant I don't want her making him feel worse or thinking it's fun to talk like it. She doesnt understand it's something people struggle with. But never mind. I was jumped on. Thanks anyway

OP posts:

LochJessMonster · 09/01/2020 12:04

People like to jump on insignificant things and then pile on and say things they can't in real life. I found myself coming one of those people on MN, realised it was so easy to type such harsh things and I didn't like the things I was saying.

speakball · 09/01/2020 12:06

it's not a good idea to copy it as you may end up not being able to talk properly anymore

I'm sorry but that's untrue and I wouldn't want to be passing this belief on to a child.

Original poster

Liveforfridays · 09/01/2020 12:12

You would let your child limp and pretend she was disabled? You don't mock other people's flaws as adults. It would massively upset him if my daughter got in his face and said I I I I I to him. he will think people are laughing at him. I need to teach her not to make a deal out of it so he doesn't feel stupid.

OP posts:

johnd2 · 09/01/2020 12:40

I don't normally reply on here but i have a small input, i think the best way not to make a big deal of it is to explain it in an age appropriate way as suggested above. Changing the topic can be counter productive and make it worse.
I remember when i was young once or twice my parents change the topic/ignore some question when i asked something and it made me scared that it was something terrible i did but i had no way of knowing what the issue was and then i had no one to help me understand. As i didn't dare mention again.
In reality it's probably just they didn't know how to answer but i think it's important to at least try to answer to their satisfaction even if it's just "i don't know, that's just how it is"
Then your kids will feel comfortable to come to you with things they don't understand even if they are not developed enough to understand what's right and wrong according to adult standards.
Hope that helps and comes across in a helpful way!

Original poster

Liveforfridays · 09/01/2020 12:51

Thanks John. Yes it did. I tried to speak to her about it in a way so that she isn't constantly bringing it up. I really didn't mean to come across anything other than genuine. I think the world of the little boy involved and he's a bit part of my life. I don't want my child to avoid him at all. I just don't want her to make him self conscious of start being silly copying him. I get it's all normal curiosity too though.

OP posts:

Booboostwo · 09/01/2020 12:53

You need to explain it to her in ways a 5yo would understand. Both my DCs stutter and I find the term ‘bumpy words’ was easier for them to understand than stuttering. My eldest was not even aware that she was stuttering at that age.

Explain to your DD that stuttering happens sometimes, some people just do it, sometimes it stops and sometimes it comes back. She may want to copy her friend, this can be fine and part of her process to understand what is going on, but explain why she must never make fun or laugh at her friend for stuttering. Also explain how she should be patient, and allow her friend time to get his words out.

Booboostwo · 09/01/2020 12:55

By the way my DS felt much more at ease with his stuttering because he was already used to his older sister stuttering and it was part of how things are. Mimicking in children is not necessarily bad or intended to belittle. Sometimes it is an attempt to understand or even to role model out of admiration (even if we think the behaviour is not admirable). Don’t impose too many adult ways of looking at this on the children’s behaviour.

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 09/01/2020 13:10

"I tried to change the subject.

Then she said she wants to do it too. I tried my best to explain he can't help it and it's not a good idea to copy it as you may end up not being able to talk properly anymore"

"it could become habit and affect her speech development"

Come on. Don't say stuff like this and then start calling people idiots and saying how bitchy and hideous this place is, when they rightly point out you have been unkind and you come across as saying you don't want her to catch the stammer. People are responding to what you have said!

The kind, and dare I say, obvious thing to do would have been to explain age appropriately why people stammer, as others have said, and then tell her it wouldn't be nice to copy him as it may hurt his feelings and make him sad. Don't try and change the subject when she has asked you a question which is natural curiosity at her age.

speakball · 09/01/2020 13:17

you would let your child limp and pretend she was disabled?

I don't understand. In what context? In front of a disabled limping person no. I'd explain it wasn't kind. I wouldn't tell her that she might catch the disability if she did. I could see a child then being worried about being near someone with a disability.

rm1234 · 09/01/2020 13:21

Explain to her that some people have problems in being able to get their words out and the kindest thing for her to do is to be patient and not rush her friend along. Just kinda accept it.

I stuttered terribly as a child. My pals were all just used to it and ignored it. It occasionally creeps back and it terrifies me.

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 09/01/2020 13:23

Yes and if my child said she wanted to copy a limp, I wouldn't try and change the subject and worry it would affect her leg development!

Btw, I'm coming from the perspective of having a DC with a visible difference (they're older now), and I never minded young DC being curious about it. I would much rather children ask and get a proper answer so they know and understand. If they ask their parent/whoever they are with and the adults try and change the subject as though it's shameful, it feels worse.

I know people are worried about saying "the wrong thing" so if they're unsure I would rather they say something like "do you mind if I ask you..." etc. People are different, it's not shameful or catching.

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