Parent in-laws.

[kaelaAmumma2b]

Please help and sorry for the ramble.

When I became pregnant my partner and I had to make some huge financial decisions. Not long into my pregnancy it became very apparent I was suffering with really bad anxiety and also became OCD. After I had our son , nothing changed and above anxiety I was sleep deprived with a newborn in the house. My lovely supportive partner decided to give up work to be my my side so I could seek proper help , we realised we had enough savings to last 6 months.

My parents inlaw really stepped up and took us in , also helped with bills , car problems and money.

Now I have become to regret this, they believe now they have a say in how we bring up our child , there have been numerous times when they have actually TOLD us what we will be doing with our son when he gets older , the are consistently ignoring rules we have brought in and also know I am still suffering anxiety and continuously doing things they no upsets me.

I have sat down with them both nicely and gone over it all a few times now , and I am getting to the point of no return and really loosing my cool.

My partner has now returned to work but before we can move out we need to sort out our finances.

Any advice anyone on how to handle this before I really loose my nut , it's not good for my anxiety and it is not good for my relationship , I feel so sorry for my partner because I feel like I am nagging him all the time.

Anyone , I'm to nice to say anything harsh but is it time I just do it !

You don’t tell them off, your partner does!
I ,personally, would go LC/NC and stop allowing them around your son if they can’t follow your instructions!

Are you getting any help with your anxiety OP? You sound like you are really suffering

I don't know about the NC thing. It seems like they really do care for you both, and have gone above and beyond in helping you out.

I do realise that doesn't give them the right to dictate how you parent, however from what you've written it doesn't seem fair to take help with one hand, and push away with the other.

Lots of examples of how they've helped you, not so many on how they've upset you. Could you give examples of them 'taking over'? How did the conversations go? Were they understanding of your point? Were you of theirs?

@Clangus00 he has , he always has my back. He is very supportive and even sometimes he thinks I maybe in the wrong he will never ever show that I front of his parents. But his dad has always been very strict and I think quite nasty to my partner , he has only started treating him like his son over the last 5 years. He always does this tough guy act when my partner says something , because my partner has asked nicely so many times he has became blunt , and his dad shut anything down with aggression ( not hitting but just does this tough guy act with facials and very nasty words).

@JiltedJohnsJulie yes , i am getting help now and so much better then what I use to be but things take time. I have been some
horrible things I'm my life so nothing will happen over night. Thanks thought 🙂

It's hard to set firm boundaries when you are living with you pil.
Move out asap you may find your anxiety also decreases with some space.

Oh I missed the bit that you live with them.
Can’t exactly go NC then! Sorry.
Could you rent a wee 1 bed/ studio flat?

@PollyPocketLucyLocket
Of course , always two sides to both stories.
A few examples

My partner and I are both quite young. One day we were sitting there listening to a bit of music dancing with our son having fun it was hip hop music ( no swearing , very humble hip hop music) and his dad came in turned the radio off and told me blankly " my grandson will not grow up listening to this music , it's banned"

2 my son was bornnnnnnn with lots and lots of hair , I wanted to cut it at 4 not a because it was getting in his eyes and ears and upsetting him , but my partners dad is partly islander and they believe in leaving it until 6 months old so I respected it , at 8 months it was ridiculous so my partner and I cut our boys hair , his dad came home from work and said angrily " did you cut the boys hair" I replied " yes" he shook his head walked off angrily and made us feel out of place all night.

They have given our son food we have asked nicely not to give him.

Also where we live there is a huge measles problem , with my anxiety my doctor gave us a few suggestions of not taking him to supermarkets , malls and if someone comes home to wash there hands before touching him ( extra safe precautions) one day his dad came home from the mall , my partner asked nicely to wash his hands , he told us to basically piss off and picked up our son and told us that we were taking things way to seriously , and he was over it.

Maybe I'm over reacting , please let me know !! 😕

Sorry @PollyPocketLucyLocket not all music he said hip hop music.

I don’t think the boundaries will work unless you move out, are independent and don’t take their assistance.

Thanks OP. That is quite unreasonable of him, I agree. What is partly Islander please?

Would it be fair to say that it is all, or at least mostly, DP's father? What does his mother say?

@PleaseGiveMeAShake yes it's our goal , my partner has just landed an amazing job now our sons 8 months old it will pay well , however it's only part time for 6 months and it's not enough to afford rent until then. We used most our savings buying a new car , his time off work , unexpected bills and paying for me to see someone it was subsidised at first but not long enough to seek the professional help I needed.

@PollyPocketLucyLocket he has Niue in him from a small island. My partner mum is very understanding she has done a few things that upset me but I have let them slide because she is mostly understanding but yes she really in supportive in most instances. So mostly just the father , the only thing is at that his mum has said to us she thinks he's in the wrong but she has never said anything, he's very old school so it his way and always has been.

Firstly @HoppingPavlova when they offered us money we turned it down numerous times , they then slipped the money into my partners bank account without our knowledge. when we found out , we asked for there bank account to give the money back they refused and said it's for their grandson and they didn't want it back , they said to take it for him. My partner said he would take the money out and give it back. They told us it was nothing to them and hated seeing us struggle. Secondly we were fine with money and house but I became very very sick during pregnancy and got put on bed rest very early in my pregnancy got told to leave work and took my maternity leave early. By the time our son was here this was all used up , my partner left work to help me out whilst I was struggling we had no choice to move it until our finances were sorted out. It was very very unexpected , our baby was planned so we thought we had enough money and everything sorted , unfortunately lots of unexpected things happened and put us in difficult positions.

Sorry everyone my autocorrect is very annoying, sorry if some things don't make sense.

Okay, but the fact remains that there came a time where you guys could not financially support yourselves and your child and were then happy to accept the assistance offered. I’m not saying this entitled them to everything/anything but it does mean you can’t really set boundaries while you are still living with them and on their dime.

Move out, support yourselves and set boundaries.

Seems to me that it may be the usual case of everyone getting under one another skin.
They do seem like they both care for you all, a lot. DP's father sounds quite old fashioned, although that's not really a terrible thing.

How did the chats go? What is the main context? And the agreed result?

@HoppingPavlova no we never ran out of money nor did we need it , we were struggling but managing fine. At my work I organised all budgeting and accounts so I know how to budget. We cut down all our expenses and our baby always had everything he needed , we had everything we needed and also paid our board. We were tight with money yes and it was stressful seeing your savings go down so quickly is always stressful but we were managing fine. His parents gave us money as a gift the day he was born so did my parents , money for my birthday, my partners birthday and Christmas so all the money received were also gifts we always tried to give back. Please understand I hate feeling like a bludger my partner to so we never took anything with open hands.

@PollyPocketLucyLocket I have sat down with the dad a few times , explained my anxiety and have had conversations of rules set in place. He always is so nice at first but weeks if not days later he ignores them and basically tells us to get stuffed. He is very very rude to his son my partner has said horrible things to him all the time. My partner has just landed an amazing job and basically his dad says he useless. He never gives my partner any credit. He has said to me that his son is a let down , he has a degree and it was a waste of time. My partner whilst at a young age was always told what to do , he never was aloud to make decisions, he had all his jobs picked for him because his dad thought the jobs he applied for were rubbish and not setting him up for life. He is very old school but very harsh in my opinion

OP, you seem to be changing your finance situation, You stated in your OP that you had no choice but to move, and enough savings to last six months.
You update about spending it on a new car, unexpected bills (?) and therapy.

however, in your replies to HoppingPavlova, you say that you didn't need their money at all?

@PollyPocketLucyLocket inthink it's quite obvious however I will spell it out for you. We had enough money for my partner to give up work for 6 months , because from very early on I became sick during pregnancy forced to leave work to go on bed rest this was very unexpected we could then not afford to pay $930 a week , we then looked into cheaper accommodation, this is when his parents asked us to move in until we had baby and sorted our finances out , we pay board there now $550 pw / not including food and internet. After we had our son , I was suffering really bad anxiety , we sat down worked out our board for 6 months , food , baby stuff , car bills , seeing someone for my mental health etc gave us about 6 months before getting low , we sold a car and upgraded so we could have a safe family car not a a run around young person seedy car. Yes pur budget was extremely tight but manageable. They just didn't want us to see us struggling with money or worrying. Seeing our savings go down was hugely upsetting it was a just making it more difficult for us ever moving out and getting our own little
Place and independence back and his parents could see this was upsetting me.

And @PollyPocketLucyLocket therapy is hugely important not just for me
But my son
, he deserves a mum who isn't anxious and consistently worrying.

OP I'm wasn't going against you - no need to 'spell it out for me' I wasn't holding you accountable for your spending choices either, so no need to explain in so much detail.
I'm simply agreeing with @HoppingPavlova, that you did in fact need in laws money and support.
Perhaps it's best to not bite the hands that feeds you?

Also, for what it's worth, I agree that therapy is important.

I honeslty dont understand the decision for your partner to quit his job during your pregnancy.
I understand you where unwell but it still seems a strange thing to do when you have so much responsibility coming. The last thing you need to add to a risky pregnacy/ unwell mother to be is both parents unemployed.
Maybe this is why your fil is so hard on your dp. He maybe feels you dp doesn't think things through enough. That your partner make decisions thinking of the short term. But not taking into account long term goals.