Parent in-laws.

[kaelaAmumma2b]

Please help and sorry for the ramble.

When I became pregnant my partner and I had to make some huge financial decisions. Not long into my pregnancy it became very apparent I was suffering with really bad anxiety and also became OCD. After I had our son , nothing changed and above anxiety I was sleep deprived with a newborn in the house. My lovely supportive partner decided to give up work to be my my side so I could seek proper help , we realised we had enough savings to last 6 months.

My parents inlaw really stepped up and took us in , also helped with bills , car problems and money.

Now I have become to regret this, they believe now they have a say in how we bring up our child , there have been numerous times when they have actually TOLD us what we will be doing with our son when he gets older , the are consistently ignoring rules we have brought in and also know I am still suffering anxiety and continuously doing things they no upsets me.

I have sat down with them both nicely and gone over it all a few times now , and I am getting to the point of no return and really loosing my cool.

My partner has now returned to work but before we can move out we need to sort out our finances.

Any advice anyone on how to handle this before I really loose my nut , it's not good for my anxiety and it is not good for my relationship , I feel so sorry for my partner because I feel like I am nagging him all the time.

Anyone , I'm to nice to say anything harsh but is it time I just do it !

Wherw are you living that measles is an issue? If you are in the UK and upto date with vaccines, your little one should have been inoculated as part of their schedule of vaccines. So that is one issue that can hopefully be resolved

I think it is very hard living together. A lot of compromise is needed. I can see it from both sides. I don't like rap music or lour music. If I had come into the house ready to relax in a communal area and someone was dancing around to that, I would be fed up. I suspect that was whst was behind that.

If I were you, I would look at moving out. If you do stay, then I think all of you should sit down and have a discussion about boundaries and expectations calmly. You should start our though with both of you acknowledging what your PIL have done for you. Be ready to compromise yourself - eg music in bedrooms etc

I think that @Gobbolinothewithchscat has it. Some good advice there.

Or, @Gobbolinothewitchscat. Typo

So @PollyPocketLucyLocket what you're saying is because they have given money that we have tried to give back numerous times ( gifts may I add ) , and let us stay there because I fell unexpectedly sick , I now must ignore and let it slide when partners dad decides to bluntly ignore things we have asked of him politely and let him tell us what we will be doing with
Our son, like he has actually told me what school he will be going to , that he will
Not be listening to certain types of music , he's a smoker so we have asked him not to kiss our son on the mouth after smoking he has decided to ignore this and suck up not only the fact he has ignored us but things we have set it to place for my sons health ? Okay make sense. And secondly I just wanted To note our expenses because you said I changed my story so I was just clarifying. I'm not getting defensive I just want to explain properly. I am asking for advice and have as per pp I noted that we could not move out for a few months because my partner in only part times
For a few months once he becomes full
Time we will be out
, I need a short term resolution. Or advice.

No one is saying that you were wrong to take the help. It's what you needed to do at the time.
However, you need to at least acknowledge that you did. Whether is was forced upon you are not, you clearly needed the help.
Also, I actually said in my first post that doesn't give them the right to dictate how you parent so no, I'm not saying that you need to suck it up at all.

Or not*

@PleaseGiveMeAShake firstly he didn't give up work whilst pregnant he gave up work
After we had baby my anxiety became extremely bad and on top of that we were getting no sleep. I was struggling , it didn't make me a bad mum but I have been through some horrific things growing up and I think with all the hormones going on it hit me extremely hard. So you may think my partner didn't make the greatest idea but he stepped up as a partner , saw the
Person he loved and cared about depressed and feeling alone. We made this decision together and honestly I really don't know what I would of done without him.

@PleaseGiveMeAShake sorry I didn't explain that correctly but he gave up work a week after baby was born and saw that my anxiety has got worst. We were told by a doctor
Once pregnancy was over it would get better but honestly I became very very scared , I worried about everything , I became ocd really bad and I felt alone and out of my comfort zone as we were now living with my partners parents.

Apologies if I missed this, just wondered if there is a reason your DP can't make his job full time now, rather than in a few months?

@Gobbolinothewitchscat I understand , walking in after a long from day at work hearing music can be a little to much. a long time Ago I use to live with my sister and her kids and use to walk in and they would be loud, running around and sometimes I was so tired I just wanted quite and wanting to rest. But this is not the only time he has said something about music. One time I was going out to pick up some grocery's , I prepared the car seat and my partners dad said he would hold the boy whilst I sorted my car out , as he came out to pass me my son , he heard my music on , listening to hip hop (Beyoncé) he told me
" hey why is my boy listening to that crap , he isn't to listen to that rubbish it , most of that young crap encourages bad behaviour" so I understand where your coming from
I agree , however he has dictated this a few times. Must I add and I don't know if it should upset me he always call him " his boy " when he is almost telling us what we will and won't be doing with our son. I love he is so caring of his grandson , but this does upset me ( however unsure if I have became more sensitive now that I find myself getting upset that I have been ignored and told what to do with my son)

@PollyPocketLucyLocket yes it is at a airport and requires a lot of training , it's part time in training and then once he picks up all the skills needed he then can apply for full time ( which he has been promised is almost instantly) he can do overtime and he has been taking all of what he can , but it's still just not enough to cover renting a house $550 p/w right now is making it easy for us to work up for a bit of savings to make the move ( hopefully as soon as he moves into full time )

Now i understand. That make more sense.

I was imagining him quitting while you where pregnant sorry.
It can be so hard with so many adult under one roof.
Could you and dp maybe sit down and work out a plan of how long it will take to boost your savings up enough for you to move out.
Sometimes making goals and plans can make you feel a little more calm and in control of the situation. It may still take some time- 6months to get where you need to be to be moving out - but if you have a plan in your head sometimes that just helps.

I also agree with sitting down with pil and while thanking them for what they have done. Ask for some rule and boundaries regarding dc and the enforced the rules agreed to.
Ie " no fil please don't kiss dc after smoking like we agreed please. "
If he goes in a huff tough.

As for fil telling you what school dc will go to, my dgm was like this with my dc.
I would smile and nod. And carry on with my own plans. Realistically, you won't still be under their roof when you dc goes to school.

For a few months once he becomes full
Time we will be out, I need a short term resolution.

Okay, well I’m a bit confused. The update is you did not have financial problems, did not need their money or assistance. Anything they gave you they forced on you. So, I don’t understand why you are living with them if you are not relying on their assistance.

In this case, with you not needing or taking their assistance, your short term fix is to move out now, become independent and set boundaries. Easily fixed.

@PleaseGiveMeAShake yes the school thing usually wouldn't upset me so much , I am a very quite person and generally don't like upsetting anyone so I always do things to please others , I think things like this have been upsetting more than usual because there have been so many other things happening and I'm probably starting to nit pick everything because I feel out of control and almost like some of my rights as a mum has been taken away from me. Oh and trust me , we plan to move out as soon as my partner moves into full time. We are saving hard. And also one time my partner after we had discussed the smoking thing already with fil ( as this is one thing that really worries me especially cause my son has already had an ear infection) one day he came in for a smoke picked up our son and was talking right in his face like so closed there noses were touching my partner asked quite sternly as it was like the 5th time we discussed it already " dad , don't put the boy so close to your face your just been out for a smoke " my poor partner got called some pretty disgusting names and basically got told to piss off , you can see why I have became quite angry. My fil has always been so lovely to me really , I'm lucky to have them but it has became extremely hard over the last month or so with him going against everything we discuss

@HoppingPavlova I did explain it more in detail above however here goes again. I became ill during pregnancy , forced to leave work much earlier 22 weeks pregnant put onto bed rest. Started to use my maternity leave however became very apparent this would all be gone even before baby had arrived , realised since only being on one income that $930 pw was way to much , started looking into something cheaper , parents asked us to move in until we sorted our finances out. Moved In we pay $550 pw not including food or board , at this time partner still working as we haven't had baby. Have baby and realised my anxiety has become worst and I'm suffering depression. Work out our finances and see we can survive 6 months whilst paying board $550 pw , all babies requirements and ours , bills and therapy for me for mental health. Use a chunk of our savings up whilst my partners off work supporting me through hard hard times , partners back at work we are currently saving and waiting for him to move to full time work to move back out.

Sorry @HoppingPavlova I said not including food or board I meant to say food and internet.

Must I just say firstly i didn't expect to but on bed rest I planned to work right until I drop , this lead me to use maternity leave much much earlier , I also went to seek help when I realised I had anxiety during pregnancy and was given medication to help my anxiety and was told that once I had baby my hormones would calm down , but they didn't I became worst and was diagnosed with depression so this was unexpected my partner choose to leave work because I want suffering really really bad , he wasn't worried about me as a mother but was more worried about my mental health , we weren't getting sleep I was mentally drained and upset so he didn't expect to leave work. These things were all unexpected. Also I was meant to return to work after 6 months and has arranged a full time baby sitter which we could afford so I could return to work to , this also didn't work out and they ended up moving to far away. So there was a few bumps and hiccups along the way we didn't expect.

Yes, I have read all of that (multiple times). The background is all immaterial, the only thing that matters right now is your current situation today and tomorrow.

If you need to stay with the parents then basically you are relying on their support. Background to this is utterly irrelevant. Rightly or wrongly, it’s really hard to enforce boundaries when you need to live with people in order to have a roof over your families head. There’s a bit of a suck it up element that goes along with this as if they don’t like you enforcing rules on them what are you going to do if moving out is not an option?

If you don’t need to stay with the parents then it’s easy to enforce boundaries. Because you move out and are independent of their support.

Unfortunately it’s all that simple. You are in need of advice for your immediate/present situation so it’s based on the scenario that applies to you today, not your long history or estimation of the future. Your future options will be based on your future situation. Your past has nothing to do with your options right now.

I’ll add that life does not always go to plan. That’s one of life’s first lessons.

Some people have a baby that’s born critically ill and in hospital for several months meaning original plans go out the window, some people will have an older child that gets cancer and one parent needs to stop working for years, a parent can get cancer, a child or parent can have a life-changing accident that throws well laid life plans out the window. I have seen all of this and much more on a near daily basis.

The upshot is life does not always go to plan and while you obviously have to plan the best you can with the knowledge you have today, you need contingencies and even then there may be times when it really goes off the rails and these don’t cut it. Stuff happens in life and if it gets derailed you just have to deal with present situation day by day, dwelling on how well it was planned before ‘life happened’ doesn’t add any value.

@HoppingPavlova well although I appreciate your advice , and I guess what you would call a life lesson, you seem to forget I am asking for advice on my current situation. Yes we live with them and currently will need to whilst paying our own way for a few more months, however rules we have set are nothing that takes time or effort. If someone goes for a smoke and decides they will kiss him , and although you say to suck it up because we rely on them because we live under there roof. Not kissing him after a smoke is effortless and for the safety of his health. Just because we are living there for a small amount of time doesn't take away that I am that little boys parent and I am there to protect him at whatever cost. Yes , lots of things happen in life , trust me I know. I have been through some of the most horrific things in only a small space of 5 years , so I am very well aware not everything goes to plan. But I have asked some of the most simplest things so nicely which he has agreed with are important rules for the safety of his grandchild , but it's at his own convenience. Thanks for your time and opinion but I will not be sucking up anything when it comes to my sons health.

You need to leave! Can’t you use the almost $600 you pay them as rent, cut back on EVERYTHING else (sell your new car and use a bike/public transport), eat bargain basement food, sell ANYTHING of value and rent a room somewhere?
6 months is an awful long time when you’re so unhappy.
OR could you and baby leave and go to your parents/ sisters or suchlike? Until either you or your husband earns enough to get you a family place?
There are solutions, but you seem to be putting blocks in front of them all.
Either that or you 3 stay confined to only using your bedroom and the bathroom.

@Clangus00 I cannot live with my parents they are a huge reason in why I suffer depression. I love them to pieces but if I was to really put my son first I would still choose to live with my parents in-law , my parents are going through some extremely tough tough times , we cannot sell car unless we moved closer to my partners work however could very very well be an option. Im thankful for my parents in-law and love them to pieces but I don't want our relationship turning sour so maybe we could look into selling valuables.

Agree with hoppingpavlovas analysis.

Not sure what other advice we can give.wr could say that you should have a huge bust up with the PILs but that wouldn't actually help anything

Could you return to work to boost income?You might hsvr to rely on PILs for childcare if they would be kind enough to help

Most situations are not zero sum games where one person is 100 percent right and the other parties 100% wrong. Even if you were, you are currently living with the PILs and therefore need to compromise

The only way out or that situation is to move out - then you will be away from their annoying habits and can enforce boundaries. However, unless you rwafyse to ever see them again, you will have to see them on ocassion and put up with their annoying behaviour. But that is life.

Thanks for your time and opinion but I will not be sucking up anything when it comes to my sons health.

Okay, so move out. That’s your only real option given if you you throw rules at them they don’t want they can give you an instant ultimatum - pull your head in or pack your bags immediately. I’m not saying any of their behaviour is great but I am saying you are really limited in terms of options while they are keeping a roof over your head. That’s the bit you are failing to understand. It may well come to suck it up or go live in a shelter for a while, which would probably result in greater issues than your in-laws behaviour.

Do they have social housing where you are?
That could be another avenue to look at to see if you, dh and baby are entitled to council/ state reduced housing.
(I notice you used $ so I don't think you are in the uk)