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Original poster

Christmas

31 replies

ThatNortherner · 19/12/2019 23:41

My son is turning two in 3 months time, so this will be his second Christmas. Last year, he spent Christmas with both me and my wife (we’re separated, but not divorced yet). Since then, I’ve moved to London and moved in with my new girlfriend (me and the wife separated about a year before my son was born and I dated this girl then. Since then, I got back with my wife and we had our son. We’ve now split again and I’m back with the girl I was with during our break).

I want my son to spend Christmas with me this year, however my wife is adamant that he’s with her family over Christmas. We can’t even split it so he spends Christmas with one of us and Boxing Day with the other as she lives near Sheffield and I’m living in South London. His official address is in her house, however he spends a lot of time with me too. I’m a teacher so I usually have him over the school holidays, as well as random weeks during longer half terms.

Do I let her keep him for Christmas this year, or do fight my case? I know it is typical that kids spend Christmas with their mums, but why should I miss out on Christmas with my son. Also, we agreed that he spends school holidays with me, and it is the holiday.

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BillHadersNewWife · 20/12/2019 01:15

You moved to London OP. Your choice not to settle where his Mother already lived. It's not a case of "letting her" either. If she has main custody and there's no court ordered routine in place, you don't "let her" do anything.

It's not typical that kids share Christmas with their Mothers either. It's usually turn taking. You could say "Ok, but it's my turn next year...we can take turns" which is reasonable.

You probably need mediation.

Bipbipbipbip · 20/12/2019 07:30

It's 5 days before Christmas, it seems a bit late in the day to be arguing about it at this stage.

You'd be better off accepting it this year and then start discussing what happens next year and onwards.

Stann86 · 20/12/2019 08:49

I agree with other posters. Arrange when you can have him, say for new year and say that you would like it to alternate for next year and you have Christmas. If she disagrees arrange mediation.

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Original poster
ThatNortherner · 20/12/2019 09:49

@BillHadersNewWife it wasn’t a choice, it was more I couldn’t afford a place to live up North, so I moved down to London where we’d previously moved to as a couple, and moved in with a friend of mine from when I was there before. This fiend had stayed in contact with my current girlfriend and we met up and got back together again, so i moved in with her and we split the rent.

She doesn’t have main custody, it’s just that he was already at daycare and he’d always lived in Sheffield so I didn’t want to move him away from the family. There is no court order as we still get along and co-parent, but she’s now being spiteful about letting him be with me for Christmas. She’s said he’s never spending Christmas away from her so I either don’t spend Christmas with my son or I have to sacrifice my relationship to spend Christmas with him and my ex in-laws. She’s made it clear that I am invited to spend Christmas with then, but my girlfriend isn’t.

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Original poster
ThatNortherner · 20/12/2019 09:53

@bipbipbipbip I’ve been asking for this since September and she won’t budge. I don’t get why she seems to think that as his mum she has automatic rights over him and where he spends his time. I have just as many rights as she does. We agreed that he’d spend school holidays with me and she’s refused to let me pick him up today as it’s the first day of my holiday.

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BillHadersNewWife · 20/12/2019 09:54

What? Did you get rent-free with your friend? Otherwise I can't see how London rent would be cheaper than up North!

Re. custody....she's his primary carer....which is 'main custody'. He lives with her most of the time and is settled there.

Regarding her saying she plans to never allow him to stay with you at ANY Christmas...that's very unreasonable and you can challenge that.

Here's a link with advice about how to go about getting your fair share of visits legally.

www.gov.uk/looking-after-children-divorce

NoGoodAtHousework · 20/12/2019 10:00

My partner and I split several years ago and swap Christmas and new year each year (we do week on week off throughout the year). Christmas Day is just a day....you can make a special Christmas Day on any day of December to suit your situation. I've never understood why people get so het up on the date. It is the day you create and the atmosphere. I grew up with 2 Christmases which were both special and it is what I do for my son and step children.

Original poster
ThatNortherner · 20/12/2019 10:28

@BillHadersNewWife I couldn’t afford anywhere else to alone and he offered me a place for a while rent-free (I helped with bills& food).

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Original poster
ThatNortherner · 20/12/2019 10:32

@NoGoodAtHousework that’s my problem. It’s not just Christmas, she’s refusing to let me have him for any of the Christmas holiday. As I said, I’m a teacher so it’s the most convenient time for me, and for my son as he’s at preschool. We also agreed that I’d have him holidays for this reason and her for the majority of the rest of the year (I also have him for 2/3 weeks during the 7 week terms). It’s not just about Christmas Day. I can’t spend any time over Christmas with him unless I don’t spend any Christmas with my girlfriend.

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Thesearmsofmine · 20/12/2019 10:39

I think she is unreasonable saying you can’t have any contact but for this year I would go see him without your girlfriend with a plan of getting more formal access sorted next year.

It sounds like your ex is hurting and perhaps the idea of you and your girlfriend playing happy families with your son is difficult for her. Has it been recent that you moved in together? I know it would devastate me and although we shouldn’t let our feelings get in the way I can understand how it happens.

WwfLeopard · 20/12/2019 10:43

Wt a load of shite, you can rent a room with bills in a decent house share in Sheffield for 80 quid a week, u moved hours away from ur small child for a woman, ur issues are only going to get worse as the child gets older and doesnt want to spend all his school holidays hours away from his friends and the majority of his family

BillHadersNewWife · 20/12/2019 11:06

You probably need to get court ordered access OP.

BillHadersNewWife · 20/12/2019 11:07

But I also think that a teacher WOULD be able to afford to rent a room or a small flat up North. Easily.

pinkyboots1 · 20/12/2019 11:13

I agree that she's probably very hurt and upset still. If you really want to see your son then go and spend the time up there with him, you're very lucky she's invited you to do that tbh. Make arrangements to have him at Easter and do a big,fun celebration then. At the end of the day he's 2 years old and needs to be at home with Mum

NoGoodAtHousework · 20/12/2019 11:46

@ThatNortherner well now that is unfair and unreasonable to monopolise your child like that.

Original poster
ThatNortherner · 20/12/2019 12:03

@thesearmsofmine I moved down to London in late July and moved in with her about mid September. My ex wife and girlfriend have met and got on really well, so I’m not sure where this hostility came from.

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Original poster
ThatNortherner · 20/12/2019 12:06

@WwfLeopard not sure why you think you know my circumstances. When me& my wife split we were on good terms, but she wanted me to move out. I had to stay in a hostel for a week because I couldn’t find anywhere to live.

I didn’t move away from my child for my girlfriend considering I wasn’t with her at the time and I only moved as my friend offered me a place to stay while I found somewhere else.

In the future keep your opinions to yourself

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Original poster
ThatNortherner · 20/12/2019 12:09

@BillHadersNewWife a teachers salary isn’t what it’s cracked up to be. The very few places I could find to rent were way too expensive as most didn’t include bills in the rent.

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WwfLeopard · 20/12/2019 12:21

Full of it, excuse after excuse, if u think any1 here or anywhere else believes its cheaper to move In With a m8 and contribute in London rather than find somewhere in Sheffield ur crazy

Stann86 · 20/12/2019 12:37

I think laying into a man who wants to see his child, is working so I assume is paying to support is child is bang out of order. He has asked for advice on sorting out arrangements not an attack. If he wasn't working or wasn't prepared to do the travelling attack away. But thats not the case.

Arrange mediation. If that doesn't work make an application to the court to firm up arrangements. It costs 215 and you can self represent Yes your ex is the main carer and with that may well feel she does the slog of the parenting and wants the fun days and magic of christmas but whether you lived nearby or not this would still be the issue. Once arrangements are formalised at least you can both have clarity and a plan ahead. I also hope in the longer half terms you are travelling up every few weekends at least.

Original poster
ThatNortherner · 20/12/2019 21:08

@Stann86 as I’ve said, I travel up on some weekends during the long half-terms and he comes down to London with me as well (because he’s not in full-time schooling yet, we pay by the hour for him to go to preschool, so he just misses a few weeks sometimes). Thank you for what you said, seems as most people on here think I’m in the wrong so nice to know not everyone does. I do try my best to see him as often as I can, and yes the arrangements aren’t ideal, but it’s just what I have to deal with.

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Selfsettling3 · 20/12/2019 21:11

What you have to deal with? Nothing in your posts seem to be considering what is in your child’s best interests.

Whatelsecouldibecalled · 20/12/2019 21:20

Aside from the fact I think it’s crazy you’re trying to say you couldn’t find somewhere up north on a teachers wage so chose to house share in London if all places. I live near Sheffield and am a teacher and know full well that prices and living cost are far cheaper here than London.

I can’t see why you can’t drive up and pick your boy up on Boxing Day and take him back to have Christmas with you then. Or meet your ex half way to do hand over. I grew up near Sheffield and my dad lived bit further up than Newcastle and we went to his every Boxing Day until New Year’s Day. And every other weekend. My dad drown down to Sheffield every Friday after work pocked us up and drive back again and repeated it again on Sunday’s. For close to 16 years until I was old enough to get the train.

I have never had a Christmas Day with dad. I looked forward to doing it all over again with my dad on Boxing Day. We carry on this tradition now. My parents have been separated for 30 years.

If you want to see your boy you will make the effort.

Original poster
ThatNortherner · 20/12/2019 21:56

@Whatelsecouldibecalled if you have read all of the replies before this, you'd know that my ex wife is refusing me access to him all over Christmas. I asked to have him Boxing Day, she said no. As I've said before, no one on here knows my situation, and when an old friend offers you a place to stay rent-free when you've been living in a hostel for a week& 1/2, I'm obviously going to take that offer.

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BillHadersNewWife · 20/12/2019 22:29

OP....what I glean from your replies are that

A: You moved away and that does have consequences for you and your son.
B: You do have a right to see your son.
C: You need to seek legal help to get a fair arrangement in place.

Do seek help. It's much healthier for children to have two parents active in their lives.