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Parenting

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Original poster

Made to feel guilty for going back to work full time

42 replies

ToTravelIsToLive · 15/12/2019 08:30

I am on maternity leave due to go back full time mon-fri full time. A colleague asked me what my plans were and I told them but now I feel awful. She kept saying if I could do it I should do part time as I'm going to miss out on so much and they will be exhausted when they get home so I will just have a grumpy baby etc. I've tried doing the maths and due to a discount for full time childcare we would be worse off if I did part time. DH does shift work so we need to have childcare to cover my hours. Anyone who has their child in full time childcare can you please offer me some reassurance it will be ok? I would love nothing more than to be a sahm or work 3 days to spend more time with my baby but I don't want to run the risk of debt to do so

OP posts:

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00Sassy · 15/12/2019 08:31

None of her business OP! Do what works for your family.

user1493413286 · 15/12/2019 08:32

I work full time with a toddler and I can’t pretend it’s not hard but my relationship with my DD is still amazing and I make the most of my weekends and evenings with her.

Loopytiles · 15/12/2019 08:33

Your colleague was v rude.

Suggest avoiding discussing your work/parenting decisions with the vast majority of people!

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ElluesPichulobu · 15/12/2019 08:37

none of their business. all sorts of working patterns will work out.

I went back full time but had 1 day a week working from home. baby was still in nursery but it made a big difference as 1 day of no commute and being able to shove a batch of laundry on at lunchtime etc did help with the pressure a bit. and I was more efficient at work as one day a week I could concentrate on stuff without the time wasting of office chitchat

Original poster

ToTravelIsToLive · 15/12/2019 08:37

She isn't the most empathetic person that's for sure! Even when I said it's not an option she wouldn't let it go. I am definatly going to make the most of my time with him. It's made harder as dh doesn't get lots of weekends off so family time will be limited

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 15/12/2019 08:38

The key things IME are the quality of childcare - change this if you’re not confident in your childcarer(s) - and sharing parenting and domestic work.

puds11 · 15/12/2019 08:39

Fuck her. Do what’s best for you. I’ll be going back full time because I love working and want the money People think they are so entitled to an opinion on this when they’re not.

EasterIssland · 15/12/2019 08:40

We both work full time with a nearly 2 year old child. He loves the time he spends with us. I won’t say every day it’s easy. Some days he’s grumpy and it’s hard work but the. We’re his parents so try to understand what he’s going through. For example yesterday he was really grumpy. Everything he wanted to do was sleep really so he was in bed at 630.

You’ve to do what’s right for your family. Everyone would love to have children and getting full salary without working but this is not how life works so so whats right for you and not what others think and enjoy the time you’re with your little one

Katlia · 15/12/2019 08:42

She's rude. You didn't ask her for her input.
I couldn't do it personally with a small baby. I went back three days when my daughter was one and that was hard enough as she was always poorly and the nursery would phone to say I had to collect her. I constantly felt like people were judging me at work. Do you have relatives to help out or would you have to use a nursery/ childminder? I disliked leaving my baby at a nursery even though it was perfectly nice but then again I do I have anxiety. It really depends on you and what feels right. Some people prefer to take the financial hit and be at home and some people prioritise having a better financial situation and security. You can always try it and if it becomes unmanageable make changes

gamerwidow · 15/12/2019 08:43

Lots of children will be in full time childcare. Working part time or not working at all is a luxury a lot of people can’t afford. As long as you have good child care and consistency they will be fine.

Loopytiles · 15/12/2019 08:44

Assertiveness tools are useful for closing down types like your colleagues: I use them whenever I feel the urge to justify our decisions.

I focus on the opinions/feelings of DH, myself, and the DC. There have been times where our setup hasn’t worked that well for one or more of us and we’ve discussed / argued! And sometimes made changes.

HuloBeraal · 15/12/2019 08:49

It will be fine. My mother worked FT. She was a great mother and we had a fabulous relationship. She had a stroke over Christmas last year and passed away. She was 74 and was working till the day she died because she loved her job. She was also v good at her job and set a really good example for me.
I work FT, DH is an equal partner and does as much housework and childcare as I do. I hope we are setting a good example for our kids.
Yes you’ll be tired and you have to be organised like never before. And there are bits where it feels like Groundhog Day but it all works out in the end.
Just make sure that if DH doesn’t get weekend time then during the week where he can, he’s the primary carer or he picks up a bit earlier on the days he can etc.

Original poster

ToTravelIsToLive · 15/12/2019 09:02

HuloBeraal sorry for your loss it's really reassuring to hear it didn't impact your relationship.

To answer a few of the other pointers we have dhs family nearby but they aren't an option for child care and my family are not in the area. We have spoken about DH doing later drop offs and earlier pick ups on his days off which he is very keen to do so he gets time with him. It will be a nursery but they look fantastic and have great reports. I'm hoping to be able to reduce my hours once his old enough for school to do the school run but with childcare costing so much before then I just think we will struggle if I do now. I try and avoid discussing anything child relates after she kept joking that my labour would be horrendous in the lead up to it not what I wanted to hear as a first time mum that didn't know what to expect

OP posts:

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 15/12/2019 09:02

I'm guessing that your DH will be home some of the time and you won't necessarily need to use all of the childcare you are paying for? Or DH will at least be around some of the time to do drop offs and pickups?

Original poster

ToTravelIsToLive · 15/12/2019 09:08

Yes. Some days he will be able to do late drop ins or early pick ups and others he will be able to keep him at home with him depending on what his shifts are so he may not need to do a full week every week. I was 100% confident with our set up until she started going on about what I will miss out on and how it will be for my son. Even when I tried to shut her down saying it wasn't an option she just kept on

OP posts:

CloudPop · 15/12/2019 09:13

You have to learn to ignore people - there will always be someone who thinks you are wrong. What is it that makes you feel she is correct?

SimonJT · 15/12/2019 09:15

I hope she offered to pay the shortfall in wages so you could go part time!

Oneforposy7 · 15/12/2019 09:16

I've been full time since my daughter was 10 months old. She's now nearly 4. We have an amazing bond. I would have loved to have been part time but it wasn't an option for us but I don't think it's negatively impacted my relationship with her in the least.

Original poster

ToTravelIsToLive · 15/12/2019 09:21

I don't feel she is correct she just made me feel awful. Hearing your going to miss out on so much and that every day will be tough as they are so so tired, that by the time you get home they will be going to bed so you get no time in the evenings etc over and over despite you saying there is no other choice does grind you down after a while

OP posts:

Original poster

ToTravelIsToLive · 15/12/2019 09:22

She didn't offer to pay the shortfall just rubbed in that she was part time until her child was 15

thank you onforposie7 that's reassuring to hear as my baby will be a similar age when I go back

OP posts:

maroonuser · 15/12/2019 09:29

You're going to get it in the neck for the next few years from some people, so you'll need to grow a thick skin and learn to brush it off I'm afraid. Once they're in school no one really gives a shit, it's a bit like C sections, weaning or formula, everyone has an opinion at the time, feels the biggest deal in the world, but once it has passed no fucks are given.

maroonuser · 15/12/2019 09:32

Hearing your going to miss out on so much and that every day will be tough as they are so so tired

You are going to miss a lot. The absolute drudgery that's comes with being with a baby and toddler day in and day out, it's about quality not quantity. Don't be defined by someone else's expectations. FWIW it's much more exhausting being at home IMO. It's tough in the beginning when they get ill a lot, but as with all this stuff...it passes.

Starlight456 · 15/12/2019 09:33

I am a childminder. I have children start from different ages.

It u I s tough been a working parent , from the outsider the toughest is seeing them have no sleep then going to work.

However everyone doesn’t have the luxury of that choice . No one should make you feel bad for putting food on the table and a roof over your head.

The one thing that happens when you have children is people seem to feel the right to comment on your choices. Ignore them .

I have had babies from less than 2 months old they still know who is mum and who I am from that tiny age

DragonOnFire · 15/12/2019 09:39

Your colleague sounds toxic and i would filter out anything they say. I sit next to someone at work who makes me feel judged in many ways, this week it was my food prep (i bring in a lot of food so that I'm covered for 3 meals a day in case i get stuck at work and anything left over is for the next day,i mean wtf did it matter to her) and i just turn away\walk away without acknowledging her because it's not an opinion i asked for or care about. Whether it's childcare or food prep, nobody's opinion matters because they don't know what life is like in your shoes.
Anyways, I digress.
Dropping our salary was not an option for us because we bought a house, got married, honeymooned then fell pregnant in quick succession. We are not in debt and did not want to start getting into debt now. We are just ticking over nicely financially but can't afford to lose any income. I'm always surprised that apparently so many people can afford to go part time!
I went back full-time when my baby was about 14 week's old because my partner had a longer maternity leave package with full time pay up to 26 week's (mine went up to16week's). He did an amazing job and it made my return to work a bit easier. So many people would react in shock that he was so small when i returned but i did what was best financially for my family.
Our baby then started full time nursery at 6 months and he has loved it. It's been great for him in many ways,he has made some 'friends' in the form of older toddlers that love to entertain him. The staff there love him and i know he is in good hands.
It is hard to work full time and come home to then put in a baby care shift. I've posted previously about how I've found it exhausting at times. The easier week's are those when I've had a Sunday to do my week's food prep and start the week on the right foot.weekends away can just leave me feeling like I'm living in a mess of a life.
In terms of baby- he is happy, knows who his parents are, knows that he is loved but is confident being left in anyone's care. It's a huge relief to see how he is totally relaxed to be passed over to our friends and family, and it's something we've worked on since he was born, knowing he would be going to nursery from 6 months.
I still have a strong bond with him,I'm still breastfeeding him and I have used flexible working to allow him a longer morning nap so that he isn't rushed into nursery if he's tired. Both my DH and i had to use carer says recently so that we could care for him when he inevitably caught hand,foot & mouth and couldn't go to nursery. And I've had a few days off annual leave to catch up on life admin and/or have some quality time with baby. It's working,it's tiring but we're doing fine.
We shouldn't have to explain ourselves to others. And i think one comment i made that has received a deadpan response from the judgers is - what about my pension? If I don't work now then i might risk being a burden in future.

CosmoK · 15/12/2019 09:41

Yeah I had that.....I was told how awful I was, how I'd last 6 months before I'd be begging for part time hours.
Well, 5 years later and it wasn't awful and I'm still full time..... I don't regret a thing. DS was in nursery full time and is now at school. He's thrived every step of the way.

Funny how men never get these comments.

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