Made to feel guilty for going back to work full time

[ToTravelIsToLive]

I am on maternity leave due to go back full time mon-fri full time. A colleague asked me what my plans were and I told them but now I feel awful. She kept saying if I could do it I should do part time as I'm going to miss out on so much and they will be exhausted when they get home so I will just have a grumpy baby etc. I've tried doing the maths and due to a discount for full time childcare we would be worse off if I did part time. DH does shift work so we need to have childcare to cover my hours. Anyone who has their child in full time childcare can you please offer me some reassurance it will be ok? I would love nothing more than to be a sahm or work 3 days to spend more time with my baby but I don't want to run the risk of debt to do so

I hear you and that this must be hard because you say you would rather not go to work and be a SAHM. So it’s a question of rationalising the situation weighing up costs and benefits etc.

With me - one DC now 4, another DC due in weeks (yikes!) - staying at home would have been torturous, unbearable and even 6 months of maternity leave first time round left me pretty seriously depressed and magically resolved said depression within a month of FT return to my career. This time therefore it’s even shorter maternity leave. And both DC is FT childcare and If anyone questioned this - or whether my DC or household is better or worse for it I have such a strong and positive answer to give and such enormous ability to laugh these people away that such comments wouldn’t bother me if you see what I mean - because it is unthinkable to not work FT if for nothing else for the mental health impact on the mother of my kid/s and the impact of that on their life. Just to say LOADS make the choices you are making and some wouldn’t have it any other way and aren’t doing it because compulsion (well yes of course we need the money) but out of a sense of identity and investment into their professional selves. So it is a valid, widely accepted position and you are doing NOTHING wrong at all.

And never forget not one miserable sod asks these questions of fathers.

Just ignore her, what works for some people doesn't work for others. I couldn't wait to get back to work but I have friends that didn't. I dislike people who won't accept that everyone is different and have different opinions. You can had a differing opinion but still respect other people's opinion ffs. She sounds completely narrow minded

It's none of her business. You have to do what works for you and your family.

People will always have an (unwarranted) opinion on your life choices. Do what's best for you and your family. I will be returning full time when my lo is 8 months and I'm ok with that. Sure I'll find it difficult but that's what I have to do for my family and I love my job. My lo will grow up to see how hard I work but how happy working makes me. I will be a happier person because I work which in turn will make me a happier mummy for my lo.

Women are judged no matter what they do. If you did choose to go part time or not go back at all no doubt someone would have an opinion on that too. Has anyone questioned your DH about his choice of hours and the impact it will have on his relationship with your baby? Thought not. You do what works for you and your family and ignore anyone else.

Thank you all. I've gone from feeling guilty to really disliking my colleague. I thought she was toxic before I started maternity leave but put it down to hormones as I was finding I was getting annoyed at silly things! Your all right in that not one person has asked DH about his hours. He has found that when he has our son and I'm in a different shop or not near enough for people to realise I'm with them he gets a lot of odd looks and people asking if his ok so I guess no one wins! I will be paying extra attention to things I say to pregnant people or parents now!

Urgh, I remember this when I was going back FT, OP. I had people helpfully remind me that they're only babies once and that those early years are extremely important! My response was "so is paying the mortgage and buying food".

Yes it's really tough being a mum and all the guilt that comes along with it, and no matter what you do (sahm/full time/part time), someone will try to make you feel guilty.
I work full-time and have an 18 month old in nursery. The nursery is amazing and dd is very happy there, however they only offer full time or 3 days, and in my job it's just not feasible to do 3 days. I do try whenever possible to take a Wednesday off using parental leave. However I often end up more stressed as I'm trying to fit 5 days work into 4 (there's no cover when I'm off), so full-time is actually better. I can get out at a reasonable time, collect her, do bedtime etc

Your colleague is a nasty piece of work.

If they raise the issue again, say “Oh thank you so much for offering to supplement this for us! We will need £10,000 extra a year - shall I give you our bank details?”

It will all be fine OP. Full time works for lots of people And with your husbands shifts it sounds as though he and DS will have opportunities for time together too. Ignore the woman. She’s neither a friend or helpful.

I think your setup sounds absolutely grand. Mine is in 4 days a week, has been since 10 months and will be 5 days once she is 15 months.
Do you accrue annual leave at your work? I did and used it to do a "phased return" I.e. back 4 days but the 5th was an accrued leave day so I haven't lost any pay. It did mean I went back a little earlier but it worked for us.

People are such busybodies - and often don't appreciate that no actually work isn't a hobby it's a necessity.

My dd went full time at nursery. It was the right decision for us financially at the time.

You make your decision based on what is right for your family, not on the opinions of others. Your decision has no bearing on your colleague's choices and vice versa.

I loved the nursery both my children attended and even now - as teens! - they talk about their happy memories of it.

Do what's right for you and your family. Ignore her

Bei g a Full Time mum was disatrous for my mental health. The PND started to lift once I got back to work.

As others have said, If your colleague mentioneds it again, ask her if she’d say that to a man. And Call her a sexist pig if she says no.

Its stressful and hardwork, and you feel like you're missing out to no matter what you do. I actually wish I could give my toddler more time at nursery because she loves it but I can't afford to. I work 3 days and really resent the time DD spends with DD. I get its totally irrational, unreasonable and ungrateful but when I see you Facebook that she's done something for the first time it's a killer. I try and do one class a week with DD (even if it's at the weekend) so we have something that's just us. Friends who work FT feel the same and actually even a friend who is a SAHM gets to feel guilty for anytime shes away from DC plus she also feels worried that her DC cant cope without her being there. Do what you feel is right and remember that young children wont even have any memory of this time.

I’m part time but would prefer to be full time. I struggle to find things to do with DD on my days off with her and I feel we get more quality time on the days she’s at childcare. I also have a cleaner house and don’t need to worry about feeding her when she’s at childcare

I went back when she was 7 months old. She’s thriving at her childcare though.

Don’t listen to her OP. Do what’s best for your family

I've worked full time since DD was 10 months. She is now 6 and we have a fantastic relationship and always have had. We had some snarky comments from older family members in particular but those entirely stopped when they saw what a well-adjusted child she is.