I feel like I'm letting DS down constantly

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Hi,
DS is 3 weeks tomorrow and an absolute dream. I can't seem to find the joy in him though.
I had an ELCS that I requested as they thought he was big but there was no medical "need" if you know what I mean. I planned to breastfeed him. My milk took quite a while to come in and the midwife said that's common with c-section babies, however I didn't know that until after he was born. He lost a lot of weight in the first few days and we ended up readmitted. When we came home I switched to formula feeding as not knowing what he was eating was more than I could cope with. I was (am) terrified that something will go wrong again.

I lost a reasonable amount of blood and was borderline for needing a transfusion after delivery so when I came home for the second time DH took over a lot of night feeds. That made me feel terrible that I didn't wake for him, I slept right through several feeds and now DH just does every night feed, when I ask if I can do it he says he's already got it covered and to go back to sleep. I know he's trying to help but it makes me feel worse.

I went to the drs this morning and the weather was awful so I left DS home with DH and while I was away I realised DS doesn't need me at all. There's nothing I do for him that someone else couldn't do. I was supposed to be what kept him alive and healthy by BFing and I didn't keep up my end of the bargain. I feel horribly selfish as I chose what was best for me not him. I seem to get really upset whenever I spend a lot of time with him and I really don't want to, he's so lovely and he'll be small for such a short time I just want to enjoy him but I don't know how.

Sorry that was longer than I thought it would be, thanks for reading if you made it to the end.

Congratulations on your baby x Your baby loves you so much and I hope you know that. Is there a chance you could be struggling with pnd? Maybe something to chat with the hv or your DP.

In the meantime is there something you could do that could help build your self esteem? Maybe baby yoga or swim or something? Something nice for you both.

All the best x

Congratulations on your new baby, well done Mummy, you brought him into the world safe and sound! Now, sorry but you're wrong, your baby needs you very much, you have something no one else can give him - Mummy's love and cuddles! As the PP has mentioned, might be worth seeing your doctor or HV to discuss these feelings lovely, it's all very overwhelming, I know - love to you

Thank you, I'm not sure about PND. I haven't struggled to bond with him at all, I love him more than anything I just don't think he loves/needs me.

There's nothing I do for him that someone else couldn't do.

You’re his mum. You will be his mother his whole life, long after feeding and birth is a distant memory. You grew him, protected him and brought him safely into the world in the way that was right for both of you. There is no one else in the world who is his mother, or who can ever be his mother. You will be the giver of mummy snuggles, kisser of bumps, confidante of secret worries and carrier of more sticks than you thought could fit in a human hand.

You are making the right choices to support him and keep him growing and heathy, and to keep his mother healthy. That’s what a good mum does.

Can you talk to the GP about how you’re feeling?

I do know how stressful it is when they lose a lot of weight - my first was a large baby who lost a high percentage of his birth weight and it was really hard to let go of that anxiety for a long time. He is now eight, sporty as anything and the tallest in his class.

3 weeks is still so young and everything is so new, overwhelming and emotions still all over the place. Unfortunately little babies can’t show us how they feel about us but he will have already made a bond with you, recognising your voice and how you smell and that will give him great comfort. Never underestimate how important you are as his mum. I also agree with talking to HV about how you’re feeling. Nothing you have done is selfish, you sound like a wonderful mum

Signs of PND include having a very low mood, feeling inadequate and a failure as a mother and feeling guilty or ashamed.

It doesn’t reflect reality - it’s an illness that affects a lot of women. Please do talk to your GP. It can’t hurt, and may help.

This does sound like PND. It's not about the bond necessarily. Your mood is very low and you're feeling like a failure over things which are completely not failures as they were totally out of your control (lack of energy from blood transfusion) or are not bad in the first place (bottle feeding, c section). Definitely go back to the GP and talk about this specifically, or your health visitor, if she is nice?

It is totally normal for emotions to be a bit out of proportion after birth but this does sound like more to be having thoughts like "he doesn't need me". Be kind to yourself and don't feel bad about this. Your baby absolutely does need you. You aren't failing. Your DH sounds nice, can you talk to him about your worries?

You know what... sometimes what's best for you is what's best for your baby. If you don't look after yourself, you won't be able to look after him. You are his mum, and that's irreplaceable regardless of how he is fed

OP, you brought him into the world. He needs and loves you more than anyone else. I totally identify with feeling the way you do at the moment. I wasnt able to breastfeed very well due to multiple issues and the 6 weeks I tried to push through, I was not doing anything with my baby coz I was in constant pain and was even unable to hold him. My mom was with me this entire time and she took over taking care of him since someone had to. I honestly thought he had imprinted on her instead of me. But as he grew (and I stopped breastfeeding) he recognised me, started to laugh in my arms, sleep with me without crying, etc. I didnt even realise when I took over his care and was gasp doing ok with it. I still struggle intermittently (hello 4 month sleep regression and goodbye sanity) but what I do have my confidence back. OP, you might have ups and downs of mood and that is normal for any new mother. But if you think you are unable to get out of these thoughts and feelings, do speak to your GP about it. Dont think breastfeeding is the only way you can care for your baby. I went through that horrible guilt and still have times when it comes back but honestly my child is fine. And as a mother you took the best decision you could, for your child. That is why you are important - you doing things for him, keeping him ad his welfare foremost.

OP the early bit is so hard and you've been through a real ordeal medically, cut yourself some slack. I was convinced my DD hated me at this age and it wasn't until she started smiling I realised she didn't. Your baby needs and loves you.

If you are worried about PND seek help.

Your post made me sad, and reminded me of when my dd was born. we had the same issues as you and I felt terrible about not being able to bf. I pumped because I wanted to feel I was doing something to give her the benefits but it's not the same as breastfeeding and it took me years to get over it (sorry Breathe!).
Anyway, firstly:
-you actually grew him INSIDE YOUR BODY! what you ate and drank nourished him
-your heartbeat and voice will have been the first things he ever heard, and those sounds will always comfort him
-he is made of 50% of your genetic material (possibly not scientifically accurate but you get the idea)
-3 weeks is quite new so your hormones are probably all over the place, this will calm down I promise.
-please don't doubt yourself, you are a fantastic mum, and you and your son will have a wonderful relationship
-your dh sounds wonderful and by doing the night feeds you are letting him have a wonderful relationship with your son too.
All will be well, just try to relax and give yourselves some time to adjust.

He's such an amazing baby, that's the thing, he has the tightest grip and he'll hold on to my finger, he only cries when he needs something so it's relatively easy (at the moment) to keep him happy. Logically I know all I need to do is adjust my expectations. Things aren't how I thought they'd be but I just don't seem to be able to. I really feel not that he'd be better off without me but that he would be no worse off.
I've said to DH more than once that if I died DS wouldn't miss me. I have no intention of dying I just mean if for example I was hit by a bus.
I only had my mum, my dad left when I was little I don't know if that's clouding my judgement. Almost as if I think you only need one parent? My health visitor is nice but I don't want to bother her with things that are probably just normal hormones.

It is her job to listen to you OP. Must say that mine wasn't particularly empathetic, but at the (very many) breastfeeding cafes I attended I did meet some very nice ones. Once when DD was 4 months old the HV asked me why I was still trying to bf her and I had to to admit that that ship had probably sailed. I just had to be happy that she'd had some breastmilk during that time. We have a wonderful relationship now though, and have done ever since she started to smile, and I felt that she loved me. As pp have said newborns can't show their feelings so it's hard to know that iyswim.

He would miss you, as viscerally as you’d miss your arm or your leg if you lost it.

He doesn’t have any real conception of you as separate from him yet, or of him being separate from you. You’re a unit. He can’t show you yet that he loves you and he needs you.

But in about three weeks he’ll smile at you.

I breastfeed and my baby was very content being held and cuddled by dh for hours. I could leave the house provided he was fed and he didn't stir. fast forward to 3 months and although he will be settled by dh when I'm there he gets hysterical when I go to the doctors let alone away for hours whether fed or not. At 3 weeks old they need to feel warm, secure and fed and they are getting that from both of you. You are needed more than you realise and you always will be. Try and see baby settling with their dad as a sign of their amazing bond that doesn't take away from his bond with you but adds to it. Talk to your dh about taking back a night feed or two giving him more sleep and you that time with your baby

DH asked the health visitor to speak to me. She was really nice but had to ask me if I'd harm him or me which really upset me. She suggested I speak to the doctor about being able to drive as I'm quite isolated at the moment and that might help me so I'm going in this afternoon.

I hope the doctor gives you the all clear to drive. It can be very lonely being isolated with no adult company. I take my ds to baby swimming for half hour a week and it’s been brilliant for both of us just to get out and see other people that aren’t family

The doctor was lovely, she checked me over and said another week and I'll be fine to drive. She wants me back in if I feel worse in myself failing that my 6 week check to see how I'm doing and my health visitor is coming over next week to see how I am as well.

Op- don't underestimate how terrible having lost enough blood to be borderline for a transfusion makes you feel. You've been through a lot, and you've not failed at anything.
The questions about harm are part of the "Edinburgh questionnaire" for initial diagnosis of PND and are asked of every new mum (at least in Scotland). It's not necessarily because anyone thinks you are likely to, but it does happen and these are standard diagnostic qs.
Be honest with yourself and those around you- if you have PND it's better you get help soon so you can enjoy your lovely baby.
Be kind to yourself too- your DH did exactly the right thing at the start with night feeds to help you recover; it doesn't mean the wee one doesn't need you. As others said- he doesn't even know you and he are separate!

He's at the doctors and I couldn't go with him. I didn't have time to go with him because I can't drive and I can't walk as fast as DH.

Are you ok lovely? I’m not sure I understand your post sorry. Is everything ok?

My son, he's been really sick, projectile so we called the doctors and they wanted us to bring him in but they only gave us 20 mins to get there and I can't move that fast so my husband took him. Just another in a long list of things I can't do right for him.

Congratulations on your baby. You are the best thing in the world to him. i would suggest just spending as much time as possible with him now, he does need you, and whether milk comes from you or a bottle. YOU feed him xx

and as a mum who breast fed and mix fed (i have 3) i have to say i loved bottle feedling a baby!!! best of luck xxx

Oh I’m sorry to hear that he’s poorly.

I think you’re being incredibly hard on yourself. It is such a massive upheaval and a lot of change, there’s nothing wrong with the way you feel but I personally think you need to speak to the GP or HV again. I’m saying this as a mum who felt some very similar things - my DS had an undiagnosed tongue tie meaning he simply could not latch to my nipple, an also undiagnosed lactose intolerance and who had spent a week in the NICU after an incredibly difficult labour and delivery resulting in an EMCS.

I used to wonder what the point of me even was. He cried non-stop and I felt such a failure when I couldn’t comfort him, I cried buckets and buckets over not being able to BF him and I couldn’t understand my absolute inability to get any HCPs to take me seriously, so I put that down to my obviously enormous list of inadequacies as well. I “passed” the Edinburgh PND checklist so convincingly well that the HV never asked me again how I was.

And then one day, my sister looked at me very sharply and said, Badger, I don’t think you’re ok. And she wouldn’t let it go. And after about the 9th time of asking I just fell to bits, big fat snotty tears about how awful I was and what a failure and how she might as well just take him away. And I got medication, and counselling, and got myself out for walks, learned to be kinder to myself and got well again. Your baby does need you, you’re the only mummy he knows and you’re already doing amazingly well

Congratulations on your baby
I FF both my children from choice, they are now 11 and 15 and very much still love and need me
They didn’t get breast milk but so what? They got everything they needed from me and will continue to do so. Breast feeding is only one tiny part of parenting (or not) And doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things