I feel like I'm letting DS down constantly

[goingtoneedabiggercar]

Hi,
DS is 3 weeks tomorrow and an absolute dream. I can't seem to find the joy in him though.
I had an ELCS that I requested as they thought he was big but there was no medical "need" if you know what I mean. I planned to breastfeed him. My milk took quite a while to come in and the midwife said that's common with c-section babies, however I didn't know that until after he was born. He lost a lot of weight in the first few days and we ended up readmitted. When we came home I switched to formula feeding as not knowing what he was eating was more than I could cope with. I was (am) terrified that something will go wrong again.

I lost a reasonable amount of blood and was borderline for needing a transfusion after delivery so when I came home for the second time DH took over a lot of night feeds. That made me feel terrible that I didn't wake for him, I slept right through several feeds and now DH just does every night feed, when I ask if I can do it he says he's already got it covered and to go back to sleep. I know he's trying to help but it makes me feel worse.

I went to the drs this morning and the weather was awful so I left DS home with DH and while I was away I realised DS doesn't need me at all. There's nothing I do for him that someone else couldn't do. I was supposed to be what kept him alive and healthy by BFing and I didn't keep up my end of the bargain. I feel horribly selfish as I chose what was best for me not him. I seem to get really upset whenever I spend a lot of time with him and I really don't want to, he's so lovely and he'll be small for such a short time I just want to enjoy him but I don't know how.

Sorry that was longer than I thought it would be, thanks for reading if you made it to the end.

Thank you @BadgertheBodger the doctor thinks he may have just eaten too much this morning and have just told us to monitor him. I did speak to the HV and GP, they've both said I'm ok for now but that if when I go back for my 6 week check I don't feel any better then they'll see how I am.

I remember feeling a little bit like this when my dd was born. I felt like she didn't know me and it didn't matter what I did because she didn't even realise I was there. But now she's 11 weeks old and grins at me when she sees my face, way more than other people's faces and I know she recognises me. These few weeks or months that they are only having milk are so few in comparison to their whole lives so don't think that just because someone else feeds them that you are in any way not needed. There's so much more to a mummy than that!!

Big congrats and enjoy the sleep at night!

OP you won't believe me right now but this is going to get better. You've been through a lot but you are going to get stronger.

OP I felt like this entirely. My baby was in special care for 6 weeks and I had to leave him every night with people I didn’t know feeding him through the night and I was convinced he loved those nurses more than me. When we brought him home I felt like I could have been anyone really. I felt like that for a long time until he got bigger and older and started to give more back.
He’s 8 months now. Even just yesterday he was miserable all day, just in a one, and I did everything for him all day. Then daddy walks in the door from work and he’s all smiles and giggles and happy! I was infuriated haha but I just let it go now. He knows who I am and he loves me and so does your son x