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Original poster

How do you feel about surprise visitors?

26 replies

ClaireT1308 · 09/12/2019 22:46

Okay so I need some advice..
My husbands grandparents have always been the type of people to just show up at our house to visit.
This bothered me but I never said anything until our baby was born and we both feel like a courtesy call would be appreciated! Now she is four months and we just would like a text to ask if they can come round and to give us a rough time in case we are out or busy.
One time they showed up and we weren’t in, and they got mad at us because they wasted a journey!
So my husband said to his grandparents can you give us notice when you are wanting to visit or at least call first! They took extreme offence to this and are now not speaking to us. They have said why should they have to let us know since they are family!
Are we wrong/is this unreasonable?

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jackstini · 09/12/2019 22:53

YANBU
It's common courtesy

The basic answer to their 'why should they let you know' is simple: to make sure it's convenient for you (logically also presume they want to know you're in so they don't waste any more journeys...)

I would leave them to simmer down for a bit

Bringonspring · 09/12/2019 22:54

I think it’s probably a generational thing. In London you would never turn up without at least texting. But your grandparents are from an age where not everyone had phones so turning up is what they did.

How luck for your LO to have great grandparents-I would enjoy the attention and contend with it (unless it was a daily occurrence)!

gothefcktosleep · 09/12/2019 23:00

Bleurgh... surprise visitors are not my cup of tea! PP saying it’s generational is spot on. I don’t know anyone under 40 who doesn’t call/text ahead nowadays.

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Pipandmum · 09/12/2019 23:05

Hate having surprise visitors. Mind you I'm impressed you are talking about YOUR generations' grandparents! Mine all died when I was small and my kids only have one surviving grandparent and I'd have to beg her to come visit and she'd still say no!

Original poster

ClaireT1308 · 10/12/2019 00:08

Hi All

Thanks for the responses - it is great she has great grandparents on both sides so we are very lucky and they are welcome to visit whenever as long as we are free.

It is definitely a generational thing, same thing happened at the hospital when I had her as well so it’s been ongoing for a while!

Hoping it will blow over, this was a couple weeks ago and they aren’t returning our calls...

OP posts:

ParkheadParadise · 10/12/2019 00:14

I wouldn't bother me.
I can't imagine telling my family to text or call before they came to my house.
Everyone's different.

CharlieSon · 10/12/2019 18:43

My in laws (in their 50s) drop in on us unannounced all the time. It drives me mad. For them it’s a control thing. My solution was to answer the door with my coat on “oh shame I’m just going out, why didn’t you call to check if it was convenient?” Or I leave my hubby to deal with them while I pretend to be busy upstairs. He’s a man of few words so it makes his parents feel like they wasted their time coming over. Oh and a Ring video doorbell is great when I’m in alone 😊

ItsNearlyMorning · 10/12/2019 18:54

My MIL and all of my H's siblings were like this , until I went no contact last year.
Only 1 brother will still try it but I tell him off now and he's only done it twice in 6 months.
Not only that , they'd take over , be rude to me and stay for ages.
Absolutely hated that I never felt I could just relax and not worry about the doorbell going and the stress monsters turning up disrupting DCs routine.
This is not the reason I went NC , that was much worse but it has the bonus of not being constantly harassed by unwanted guests.

Ayemama · 10/12/2019 19:53

Wait so they didn't text or call to tell you they were coming at all that day and then got mad that they wasted a journey? What are you meant to do? Never leave the house ever just incase they decide to randomly appear?

Let them stew, stop calling them and just leave them to it.

KrampusTime · 10/12/2019 20:04

My ILs used to do this all the time. I stopped answering the door unless I knew in advance they were expected.

A few times we'd be in slobby pjs having a sofa and films day and they'd act absolutely scandalised that we weren't properly dressed and prepared for surprise visitors.

Original poster

ClaireT1308 · 17/12/2019 22:03

Update for you all, husbands grandmother text today and said they think it is “absolutely unbelievable we need to make an appointment to see you” Sigh I give up!! 🙄

OP posts:

1ce1cebaby · 17/12/2019 22:27

Hate them!

1ce1cebaby · 17/12/2019 22:27

Surprise visitors not the grandparents lol

Thatsfinethenchick · 17/12/2019 22:29

I find it so rude if people don’t let you know they are planning a visit. My DHs family were offended when I said this. To me it says, that you are expected to run to their schedule and they clearly don’t care if it is convenient or not for you.

OnlyLittleMissOrganised · 18/12/2019 00:37

When me and my husband were at uni dating his dad showed up unannounced just as we were about to head out. I was royally peed off as we had plans. I think I made him send his dad home. My husband wasnt happy with it and would have changed plans. I cant remember what we did it was so long ago.

However I made it clear going forward people my family or his need to ring or text or plan a visit in advance. We now live 4 hours away not 2 so there is no just popping in

surreygirl1987 · 18/12/2019 09:00

That's ridiculous!! That would drive me absolutely mad. Also my son's great grandparents are in their 80s and they would never dream of dropping in on us without letting us know (over WhatsApp- they're pretty tech savvy!).

The things that would annoy me most though are a) that they got mad when you weren't in, even though you weren't told they were coming; and b) the grandmother's text 🤨

Can you just point out that it's a case of simple manners?

Lllot5 · 18/12/2019 09:08

Surely it’s for their own benefit to call to see if it’s convenient in case you’re out.
As a matter of interest what would you say if they asked? Always yes always no? A mixture?
Maybe they think you wouldn’t say yes so they come anyway.

Original poster

ClaireT1308 · 18/12/2019 09:50

I said it’s for both of our benefit, for them to make sure we are in and to make sure it’s suitable for us. The thing is I don’t think I’ve ever said no to anyone visiting but sometimes later on in the day etc is better etc. She hasn’t replied to my text so obviously in the huff! I’m over it, merry Christmas all

OP posts:

fedup21 · 18/12/2019 09:57

What do your husband’s parents do? Do they give notice before arriving?
Could you get them to gently explain your feelings?

I think droppers in are unbelievably rude.

Original poster

ClaireT1308 · 18/12/2019 10:37

My husbands parents always text first and ask what time suits, they have no problem with it- my parents don’t have a problem with it, grandparents just don’t seem to get it!

OP posts:

Original poster

ClaireT1308 · 18/12/2019 10:39

To be honest I think it’s a control thing, they always like to be in charge and don’t like that we are trying to take control of the situation. They like to do whatever they like on their timetable!

OP posts:

CustomerCervixDepartment · 18/12/2019 14:06

Stop phoning these people and justifying yourselves, just live your life, ffs. Sulking and stonewalling are abuse, don’t try to appease them, if you’re compelled to reply just say ‘ah well’ and to about your day.

CustomerCervixDepartment · 18/12/2019 14:07

Or make them apologise for the stonewalling and flouncing and tantrums before they’re allowed access to your property and infant again.

Original poster

ClaireT1308 · 18/12/2019 14:42

I like your style - let them get on with whatever they wanna do is my motto!

OP posts:

fedup21 · 18/12/2019 15:49

My husbands parents always text first and ask what time suit

Have you said anything to them about it-about how much it annoys you? Would they sympathise?

Do the grandparents just drop in on them as well!?

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