Formula feeding guilt

[smartcarnotsosmartdriver]

DS was born a week ago and I had intended to breastfeed. However he didn't get enough milk, his latch was good and he settled between feds but his weight was plummeting. They pulled us back into hospital and put us on a feeding plan. I expressed while I was in but it made me miserable. They had us on a schedule which meant that he was being fed by DH and I was pumping. It broke my heart and for 2 days I didn't feed him at all. Now that I'm back home I've decided to switch to formula so I can actually enjoy my beautiful baby rather than constantly stress about how he's being fed but I can't help but feel guilty.
Breast is best was pushed so hard while I was pregnant that I feel like this is the end of the world. I'm also not looking forward to telling my midwife. Please talk me down off my PFB ledge.

Could you try combination? The most important thing is he's being fed and thriving. Don't beat yourself up OP.

It's so sad that women who are choosing to do the best for their child in these circumstances feel they need to seek validation as the guilt is so overwhelming. It's misplaced guilt. You are going what's best for your baby, what's the alternative, let him go hungry? Would that be better?

Formula provides everything your son needs to thrive. You have enough going on now without needlessly piling misplaced guilt onto yourself.

I'm sure some will be along with unhelpful helpful tips and implying you should try harder. They haven't had your experience so ignore them. Enjoy your son.

I was in similar situation 9 years ago. DS was fed and that's all that matters. In years to come when you are in the playground you won't be able to tell the BF babies from the FF babies- and they all eat grass/dirt/leaves in toddler hood

If you feel guilty why not just mostly formula feed but still allow him time on the breast too? Especially if he has a good latch etc? Then he gets the best of both worlds!

What would you like to do OP? Do you want support to get back to breastfeeding or are you happy with how things are going now? Well done on surviving the first week!

When you say plummeted what percentage was it?
Nothing wrong with formula feeding but many breastfed babies lose a chunk initially then put it back on. You are only a week postpartum so returning to breastfeeding exclusively or combination feeding is possible.

He'd lost 13.5% and counting. His latch was good but he wouldn't maintain for long so he was only really getting the start of a feed, he'd try and feed for almost an hour involving loads of crying from him and me and then give up and go to sleep.
Combination feeding was just upsetting me as I felt like I couldn't quite do enough and formula had to take over where I couldn't so I think formula is for the best as he gets a full belly and I don't have to try and fail in feeding him. I honestly think I only felt like I had to breastfeed because of how much it's pushed.

I was reading your post while FFing my 3 month old. I BF for the first five days and then switched to FF for a variety of reasons. I probably could have persevered with BFing if I'd really wanted to and tried to make it work but I think I'd have found these last few months so much more stressful if I had. I feel guilt about stopping but DS is absolutely great (and very healthy and robust) and I know that I wouldn't enjoy the time with him so much of I was BFing still. He got the benefit of the first few days - like your DS did - and now he gets someone who is much happier and more relaxed taking care of him. I don't particularly mean to sound pro-FF and if you want to continue BF, that's awesome but I hope in a few weeks/months, that horrible guilt and worry about what to do will have totally faded and you'll just be having a blast with your DS however you feed him.

I'm sure he'd prefer formula abs your cuddles than you being stressed out. I FF both of my babies by choice. The first one is 3.5 and the second is s month. They're both doing great.

Hi. I have recently started introducing formula and like you felt guilty. My baby is 6 weeks and never had a good latch. I tried for 6 weeks to make it work and we did all sorts of things. It didn’t work- I was a mess come feeding time and so was he. There is a huge difference in both of us since introducing the bottle- we are both happier.
I still have moments of feeling guilty but I’m working through them. I’ve just found a book called ‘guilt free bottle feeding’ which has been helpful for me. Whilst breast milk is better than formula the research around it is not high quality and how much better it is is not actually clear. There is so much more to being a parent than what you put in your little ones tummy. As one of the author the book says ‘there is nothing sadder than a new mum who is so focused on her child getting breast milk that she is stuck to a breast pump all day thus is unable to cuddle, play with and bond with her child as she would want to’ Don’t feel guilty you’ve made a decision that is right for you and your child’s bond.

Exactly the same thing happened to us 9 months ago (15% loss by day 11, admitted for tube feeding). My child is now healthy and happy and while I still feel kind of guilty/sad about it, I know I did the right thing switching to formula. He was like a different baby the day after we started giving full formula feeds instead of trying to top up - more alert, less screamy, and generally much happier.

I carried on breastfeeding first thing in the morning and sometimes last thing at night if he needed the comfort until he was 3 months. My supply seemed to cope with that as it had all day/night to replenish. I've no idea how much he actually took in, but it was some. If you really want to breastfeed for longer, could you try a combination approach?

OP, if breastfeeding is important to you then please get advice from a lactation consultant to see if you can continue without pumping to the point that you're miserable. It could be that once the baby is bigger and stronger thanks to some formula, he'll be fine to breastfeed and get enough milk. It's still really early days and 13% isn't that far off the recommendation for weight loss after birth.

That said- if BF / expressing is making you miserable then swap to FF for that reason and don't feel a minute of guilt or regret. You are your baby's world. The best thing you can give him is a happy and healthy mum. So prioritise yourself and don't feel bad for it.

I think a lot of the public messaging around BF is counterproductive. There should be more useful information about how to make it work, more places to go for help and advice, more time in hospital (most of us are discharged well before our milk comes in, so we're figuring it out blind at home!)

Instead they just churn out 'breast is best' and make you feel guilt.

Informed is best. Empowered is best. Breast milk is nutritionally superior to formula milk- but that's just one aspect of good health. It has to work as a whole.

What a waffle, sorry.

Congratulations on your baby OP!

It is not the end of the world OP, it is normal for infants to be FF. Screw the ideological eejits. If your DC is fed and satisfied, you can relax and be satisfied too.

My second baby lost almost 15% in fact all three lost a decent amount, I did keep breastfeeding her though snd she was exclusively breastfed by the third week which saw a much bigger weight gain.
They all had tongue tie so are you sure this was ruled out? Posterior t t is very subtle but often results in this sort of feeding.

If your baby had wet and dirty nappies and wasn’t jaundiced you could reconsider breastfeeding if you wanted to. I’m not pushing it just giving some advice.....
Week old breast fed babies cluster feed and feed for a long time even with a good latch so as to bring in milk supply. A poor or shallow latch can exacerbate this. Their tummies are tiny so it’s little and often.

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Also pumping before milk supply is established is very stressful and often difficult.

I was in the same situation as you except breastfeeding was absolute agony too, cracked, bleeding nipples, I couldn’t cope so ended up bottle feeding formula and pumped milk twice a day for almost 3 weeks, to heal up and then decided to try again, and it was a lot easier! Almost pain free, I did combination for a bit longer, and now we’re exclusively breastfeeding. Used a lot of turmeric lattes and motherkind tea to boost milk supply, drank lots of water. Started taking sunflower lecithin capsules after a nasty case of mastitis, and not had it since, and it puts more fat into your milk. Absolutely nothing wrong with formula feeding though, Fed is best, do whatever makes you happiest and most comfortable. :)

I bottle fed both of mine OP. First of all because I was 18 when I had my first with no support and a baby that couldn't get any milk out of my empty boobs, second time because I was so traumatised and convinced I wouldn't be able to after the first.
I have 2 healthy big boys. Ime from looking after other people's. Hildren for a living, breastfed babies are no healthier and they don't get ill less than ff babies.
Give yourself a break, formula feed your baby and stop stressing about it. You and your baby will be happier for it.
No more feeling guilty.

How you feel is really important here as becoming a mum is tough work and you say you need less pressure so I think you should FF.
I tried to BF DC1, but ended up with mixed feeding as she had swallowed meconium fluids and was a very sicky baby and needed more milk. It didn't work as I was constantly trying to BF or express and making bottles. I felt awful guilt, cried so much at the time.

Had DC2 3.5 years after and he and I clicked with BF with minor issues (slow latch). If either of us wasn't happy I would have switched to FF and not felt guilty as DC1 was fine and all the guilt I felt just stopped me being able to enjoy her first weeks.

Follow your instinct as she is your baby.

He not she!

Please don't beat yourself up about it. You've got to do what's best for you and your baby and a happy relaxed mummy is one of those things that helps! After 3 weeks of expressing and rolling up with formula I called it a day, expressing was basically taking over my life and I didn't enjoy it! However once fully on to formula I was much more relaxed and happy! Don't get me wrong I got a few comments regarding the switch but in my eyes it's fed is best! Your doing a great job remember that!!

It's crazy how emotive feeding is. My baby is a week old as well and we've had some issues with feeding too. I was feeling so pragmatic before she was born; fed is best etc... but when it comes down to it with all the postpartum hormones raging it's really hard.

I was told my latch was good by 3 or 4 different midwives, but my nipples were getting pinched and ended up raw. Turns out pinched nipples = shallow latch despite how it may look from the outside. I'd suspect feeding for an hour and not being satisfied also suggests a shallow latch. I'm also wondering if your milk came in a bit late? So feeding for hours on end, but baby getting colostrum still? (This happened with my first baby and we ended up back in hospital too).

But, having said all that you've tried really fucking hard with BF and if you're done you're done. FF might be the best route for both of you. And no one looks at a class of 5 year olds and can pick out which were BF and which were FF. We're very lucky to live in a time where formula is such a great alternative so if you need to take advantage of that, do.

We've gone to mixed feeding and me using nipple shields which is working really well so far.

I had that idea too! I really thought I didn't care if he was breast or bottle fed but with all these hormones I went to bits. He was dehydrated and is still jaundiced (below the treatment line) if I don't know how much milk he's getting I'll fret endlessly that it's happening again which is how I decided to pump but it removed me from him completely. I was a spectator to every feed and it made me miserable. I've just fed him a bottle of formula and while it's not the same as having him BFing it's still lovely and he goes off to sleep on my shoulder after winding. I think a few days until the guilt eases off.
It took us a long time to conceive and I had a difficult pregnancy with SPD so I just want to wrap him up and never let anything f bad happen to him ever. One way I thought I was doing that was by breastfeeding him. I did enjoy it but not knowing what he's had far outweighed the benefits. Quite a few midwives checked him for tongue tie and they've said he's fine. I think people will think I should have tried harder but I haven't enjoyed a day with him yet. I've been so stressed about his feeding but tomorrow is a new day.

@smartcarnotsosmartdriver I had to pump and mix feed my PFB. What helped me was that I fed him all the expressed milk. My DH fed him all the formula. It helped me feel more bonded to the baby and I hoped that he knew on some level that the milk (that I'd laboured to pump out literally one mill at a time!) came from me.

Maybe put your partner on bottle washing and burping duty, and you take over the feeding so you feel more connected?

Also feeding for an hour, seeming unsatisfied and then nodding off is normal newborn cluster feeding behaviour. That's how they tell your body they are growing and will need more milk tomorrow than they do today. It's exhausting and so so so stressful if you aren't confident about your body's ability to produce milk.

But is your baby having lots of wet and dirty nappies? that's a better indicator than his behaviour.

That's said FF if you want to. Just don't give up on BF for lack of information and support if it's important to you.

11.5 years ago I was in a similar situation with DS. After he’d lost 23% ! of his birth weight, I let one of the MWs (we were still in hospital) give him a bottle of formula. He came back happy and peaceful. We continued to FF from then on, and I was wracked with guilt. When he was 5 or 6 weeks old, someone said to me “There are many ways to nourish a child. How you feed them as a baby is just one of them”.

You’ll start weaning him before you know it. By the time he starts school no one will know, or care, how you fed him as a ruby baby.

You know, if bf was easy and 100% sucessful, then formula would not sell.

Enjoy your baby!