Please help me with my toddler

[tiredtrumpet]

DS 2.8. This evening after doing his bath and getting slapped in the face and kicked whilst doing pjs I broke down and cried. Right there in his room.

He was a difficult baby. He cried most of the time, which isn't an exaggeration. People commented that "he must hate being a baby, it will be better when he can walk". It wasn't.

He has speech delay. He's about 18 months behind. Only just beginning to put two words together.
Because of this he was referred to a paediatrician who stated that DS doesn't have any disorders, he is just stubborn and well, a bit grumpy. Signed off from the consultant.
HV was no help. I had her come out as recently as this week as a last ditch attempt to help me in some way and all she could talk about was authoritative parenting. She mentions it every single time. I already do that (clear set routines, boundaries, positive reinforcement) She thinks he doesn't eat because he has weak cordial.
I've given up on her help now.

Things he does well:

He is a very loving boy. He hugs and kisses me and his dad. He loves his baby sister (11 weeks).

He loves films and nursery rhymes and soft play.

Things we are finding challenging:

He won't sit and do an activity at all. All suggested activities like colouring, stickers, painting, baking, sensory bags, reading, toys, imaginary play he might entertain for 30 seconds or so, but that's it. So it's incredibly difficult to teach him anything or just play.

The only thing he seems to get any pleasure from or interested in is films and tv. I put it on when I'm feeding baby but I can't have him absorbed in it all day.

He screams at me most of the day and points at me. He's screaming no at me and I can be just sat there. Not a clue. So I tell him to stop shouting at mummy and he gets even more hysterical.

I took him to playgroup this week and he totally freaked out and wouldn't play. Was climbing up me, screaming and lashing out. Of course everyone decided to watch. I managed to get him out of there walking holding my hand but it took a long tike to calm him down in front of an audience.
I cried when we got to the car.

Days out, meals out and trips to friends houses have all but stopped. He will literally just scream and cry all day and we don't know what's wrong.

Food has become a huge issue. He used to be a brilliant eater but now he barely touches food. He screams no at the plate, and attempts to throw it. He's lost weight for sure, but again the HVs advice was don't let him drink cordial and the paediatrician was quite dismissive of this issue as well. So he ends up going to bed with nothing.

My husband has mentioned divorce to me twice this week in the context of parenting. After he saw the nightly kicking and hitting mummy episode he told me that he can see how people with young kids end up getting divorced, because the kids are so horrible it stresses the parents out to the point where they take it out on each other.
We have no breaks, no overnight childcare. We may get an evening every now and then, but to be honest, we are SO shattered from the daily grind of all the above, there's nothing left to give. Nothing. I might have the energy to have a shower. That's it.

I don't know what the point of this post is, I've sought medical advice and whilst it has ruled out any conditions, it hasn't been much help. I've asked people I know with kids and their responses are usually that they don't know, or none at all.

I don't go out anymore as I'm so shattered so I've lost all but one of my friends (I'm guessing they weren't so great to begin with but ) I've put on a ton of weight because I'm so shattered I don't want to cook and I just snack on crap all day to keep me going. I make DS all his meals from scratch though and just sob sometimes when I scrape the whole lot in the bin. I've read 4 parenting books and implemented things from all of them that I thought would work. Some did some didn't.

We don't holiday anymore. We took him twice and both times were utter disasters. The second one was so bad that I actually called the GP (UK holiday) as I thought he can't possibly be normal. The woman who ran the kids club was horrified at his behaviour.

I just don't know anymore. I'm broken.

TriedTrumpet, do you want to PM me as I have been through this and I'm out the other side now, although my DS's situation is a little different to yours

@JenniferM1989 thank you for replying but I've no idea how to pm on the app. Another casualty of all this is my brain, it's just so cloudy!
Sorry to hear that you went though similar but glad you are out the other side.

You are in the midst of a truly tough time.
You have a toddler with speech delay who is pushing all the boundaries and an 11 week old.
It won’t always be like this.

I have a 17 month gap and truly those first 6 months were truly a test on all of us.

Things I would suggest that have helped me: it sounds like your DS is frustrated because of his speech delay. I had the same with DD although she did start speaking a bit sooner.

I found that keeping my patience and calmly asking DD what she wanted, and explaining that I didn’t understand the problem helped. She didn’t always calm down quickly, but holding her and telling her I wanted to help did help.
She is now a very loving and well rounded 3 year old. And her and her brother play beautifully together.

Hold in there.

DS is almost 2, still doesn't put 2 words together, and is going through a weird time with food also. Which I think is mostly down to him teething, but I can't tell right now. He may also be developing sensory issues, as last night it took us 3 hours to get him to sleep, whereas tonight he was fine. The only thing we did differently was put him in New pyjamas last night.

Have you asked for a second opinion at the doctors? I hope you get some help and answers. It's really tough. I've cried on the walk home from play group before. It's tough

I know you've had medical advice but have you had his hearing tested lately? I've come across several parents with issues around delayed speech and acting out and it's been down to hearing impairment

Dear OP, you are doing such a good job in battling through this! Your love for this child is so evident from your post. Sorry this is probably a really obvious suggestion but it sounds like a lot of his behaviour is frustration relating to his communication difficulty. Could you try picture cards with feelings or some signing to help him along?

It's so hard parenting a toddler. I cry sometimes, and I can feel myself becoming shouty with my 2.7 yo. They know how to push all your buttons but they're too young to be reasoned with.

You mentioned the eating- does he have any food intolerance or allergies? Any family histories of these and hava he had any bloods done? Losing weight is obviously not normal, fussy eating is at this age- my 3 year old is shocking but no weight loss.

Personally I would start with a full blood count- coeliac disease can cause all these problems and could explain the crying baby stage too. Long shot but might be worth looking in a different direction from behaviour or spectrum disorders.

Go back to gp and request bloods, I had to go 3 times until they did it but now behaviour is great and weight gain.

Goodluck and hang in there

I don't either. I pressed the OP message bubble thing but nothing happened.

My DS is 3. He was 3 a few weeks a go and he too is very speech delayed. He doesn't talk at all. His behaviour and outbursts were at their worst when he was 2.4-2.6 I would say. It was 2 months of hell. He wouldn't just hit, he would literally rip at mine and DH's faces, taking him out was hell on earth and simple things like dressing him was hard. He is being assessed at the moment. He is very borderline, scoring scores that suggest he possibly isn't autistic but the general consensus is that he needs more assessing to be able to tell. I don't think he is but then of course I think that and hope he isn't.

I started doing time outs. Everytime he hit or did something bad, I'd put him into his chicco pocket booster seat for 3 minutes. I would explain what he did, leave him there for 3 minutes then encourage him to give me a hug and learn from it. It started to work as the hitting stopped. To tackle going out, I just had to bite the bullet and do it. He started attending playgroup 4 mornings a week back in April and this has worked amazingly well and he is much better for it. It was a tough week settling him in but the work was worth it. Could you put your DD in a sling and go back to the playgroup and do the settling in? Is it a playgroup that you can leave him at once the settling in is done?

I think my DS has too much energy so between playgroup 4 times a week, soft play at least once, taking him shopping, for walks (long ones to tire him out) and getting him to help tidy and stuff, it really helps. It's like once he is 'fulfilled', he doesn't need to act up. He still has a little bit of a penchant for destruction but I can handle that.

I was weary of still having a seat at the table that he is strapped into but his speech therapist said this is a good thing as it means when I set up an activity, he almost has to focus on it as there's no where else to go. He will happily sit and let me know when he has had enough and I'll take him out. If he ever tried to tip or seemed distressed, I wouldn't bother with it. He eats meals there too but he sits at his little table for snacks and little activities. I used it for time outs as well as I said above.

Like your DS, mine is very loving and hugs and kisses and pets us too. The lack of speech and being able to ecpress themselves fully is usually the centre of the issue. Are you getting speech therapy for your DS?

Didn't want to read and run - have your tried hiring a super nanny type person? Might be worth it, lots of sleep consultants offer this or might know someone who does. Yes expensive but what price your family?

Also, might be telling you what you already know - I have 2 boys and I walk them 2 hours a day - warm clothes, puddle suits, wellies, baby wrapped up warm. Who can find the biggest stick, leaf etc. Lots of snacks. They are a bit like puppies, if I don't they start go crazy in the house. I could cry I'm so bored of the park but seems to knock the anger out a bit.

We also do 123 magic for discipline and 1 chocolate star for good behaviour. Not everyone's cup of tea but works really well for us. For example oldest boy would not eat his dinner - promise of a chocolate star if he eats his dinner, sits on his bum and uses a spoon. Totally focuses him! And yes I know this isn't a long term solution but better than wanting to cry every uneaten meal. I started on 1 star just to eat x amount of dinner and later on added and sit down and now I've added spoon. One day he might eat with a fork, who knows! Sometimes it's just about survival.

I23 magic you for example if he starts to pull the dogs tail, I'll say that's 1. If he carries on after 5 seconds that's 2. Then if he gets 3 he gets moved to the downstairs toilet (not a lot he can break in there!) and with the door open of course. Once he's had his time I say come and join us doing x fun activity. Sometimes he'll sit in there for a while, it's like he needs his space to calm down. Then No hugging it out, no explaining, just crack on with whatever you're doing. Took about a week but now he rarely gets to 3. Maybe once a week? He knows not to pull the dogs tail or push his brother over. You can't reason with an angry toddler and lots of gentle parenting books assume a child is like a mini adult. 'Why thank you mummy for pointing out it hurts my brothers feelings when I snatch his toy, I will never do it again' said no child ever when they are in a rage. When they are calm and you are doing something else, that's a good time to talk.

Good luck, it's very hard and the fact you've posted means you're a wonderful mum

Has his hearing been tested? This doesn't sound unlike my ds who turned out to have terrible glue ear. Grommets made a massive difference to his frustration.

You are in the absolute thick of it and it will get easier as both your children get older, regardless of any specific difficulties that may crop up.

Can you reach out to anyone to help get you a break? Does ds go to any sort of child care?

Nothing to add, my 2.5 screams ‘go way mama’ and cries but I have two older children who were the same and this too shall pass. Your husband isn’t going anywhere, he’s just acknowledging the strain but in an awful way. Hold on, it’ll get better.

Also, fuck your friends, you sound lovely

Just wanted to say by now 3.7 year old was very difficult when he was 2. He had a speech delay, was very aggressive and was impossible to put to sleep.

Not all of that has changed but he now has a fantastic vocabulary and never stops talking! Some of the aggression has stopped too although he's still a handful.

We've since had a diagnosis of glue ear and are waiting for an ENT appointment.

I'm not entirely out of the trenches yet either but it is getting better.

Here's one for you and one for me

You could look at using Makaton to help with communication, it's designed to help kids with limited or no verbal communication. My son 2.5 uses it and has improved since he started. it helps develop a communication channel which reduces the frustration and behavioural impact. It can help build confidence and verbal and non verbal communication. Also, intensive interaction may help. Ask to see a speech and language therapist.

Mine was awful at that age (hitting me and baby) but was quite articulate so possibly for different reasons. Also he often did it with a grin on his face so definitely pushing boundaries to find out how far he could push me and/or attention seeking. The first year with two was pretty horrendous! It does sound though that your son may have something more going on as he sounds frustrated rather than pushing boundaries. No real suggestions other than get another professional opinion, esp on the weight loss, but it sounds so tough to deal with along the newborn sleep deprivation so I wish you lots of luck!

I suppose one other question which might have escaped you in the sleep deprivation brain fog is whether he has actually lost weight (I.e.based on weighing on scales), or whether he is looking slimmer because he's had a growth spurt and got taller? I found mine at that age sometimes looked chubbier and sometimes skinnier. I know when I'm exhausted and stressed I always put the worst interpretation on everything so I can imagine if I was having food battles and then my child looked skinnier I might worry more than I needed to. Apologies if it's based on actual scale weights, I don't mean to suggest you're making it up, just that as you said it's hard to think straight when you're under so much stress. Good luck!

I would consider nursery at least 3 times a week, probably full time, so they can spot if he needs a referral. Things tend to move faster in terms of diagnosis when a nursery / school gets involved. If it is normal behaviour then perhaps being around younger kids and a professional childcare setting will help him.

Hang in there you sound like a brilliant mum. I have a just turned 2 year old, and 4 month old, he loves his baby brother dearly, but is also extremely jealous so this maybe a factor at the moment.

Your post does sound more than just a bit of toddler angst, might be worth trying to get a second opinion? In my local area they have speech therapy drop ins, so you would meet a speech therapist, and then if they feel extra help is needed they refer you straight in. Also if he doesn’t have the attention span for set activities just don’t try, just talk a lot. ‘Look at that yellow car’ ‘mummy is going to the kitchen’ any chance you or hubby could take him out on his own every now and then?

Give him jobs, ask him to take the nappy to the bin or fetch a clean one. My 2 year old loves helping me load washing machine.

Does he eat anything in particular? When mine goes through a fussy stage, I normally go back to his favourite foods (normally beige stuff) for a few days and then introduce back in other foods, I also saw a marked improvement when we all ate together, he now climbs into his seat in anticipation, yes sometimes food goes untouched but we don’t make a big deal and he’s ready the next day to try again.

@Smarshian lovely to hear that she is better now.
It truly is testing. I think I'm failing though. I'm losing my temper quicker and quicker.

Some really good suggestions here. He goes to nursery once a week and he thrives there. I've asked his key worker over and over if there is anything I should be worried about and they insist he is ok.

I would love to send him more often but we just can't afford it.

I'm currently on mat leave so my "break" for want of a better word when I go to work is non existent.

He has had his hearing tested, it's perfect. He was having dummies but he dropped them himself like a hot potato when baby came along.

I think tiring him out is a good idea. I do that quite often however recently gave up going out for a walk because if he's going in the wrong direction (near a road, someone garden, a cycle path or tries to get on the dunes and I can't follow with a buggy) and we try and ask him to come the right way ends in a full blown tantrum with him screaming on the floor. The last time we did this we were out for 5 minutes before we had to strap him back in to the double buggy for his own safety and also for not listening to us and running off where we can't get him.

It's all so exhausting that I wake every day wondering how I will get through the day.

As some have suggested I think I will be asking for a another opinion. He had a speech and language assessment, they some him once that was it. His follow up (6 months later) is next week so maybe they will start therapy if the improvement isn't sufficient?

Also as someone mentioned I've taken the online assessment for coeliac disease and it's telling me to get him tested. He's had diahorrea now for about 4 months with no clear cause.

I know some people don't like them but I find reins very helpful - maybe that might help with getting out and about safely?

Do you have that homestart organisation near you? They could maybe help.

OP the fact he has diarrhea as well is a massive clue- honestly it really could be coeliacs or gluten intolerance. My daughter was recently diagnosed but definitely has behaviour issues before and she couldn't express she wasnt feeling well etc.it causes every symptom under the sun- literally it can affect behaviour, digestive system, language, social interaction. My daughter gradually stopped eating- bread at first then other things. The transformation is massive once on gluten free diet. If you push for a blood test (numbing cream & play therapist worked for us) if it's a high positive cut gluten asap. Keep us updated

@Danascully2 I used reins on holiday when he was much younger, just over 1, but now he full in thrashes about trying to rip them off his back. Last time he did that was in a busy car park