Please help me with my toddler

[tiredtrumpet]

DS 2.8. This evening after doing his bath and getting slapped in the face and kicked whilst doing pjs I broke down and cried. Right there in his room.

He was a difficult baby. He cried most of the time, which isn't an exaggeration. People commented that "he must hate being a baby, it will be better when he can walk". It wasn't.

He has speech delay. He's about 18 months behind. Only just beginning to put two words together.
Because of this he was referred to a paediatrician who stated that DS doesn't have any disorders, he is just stubborn and well, a bit grumpy. Signed off from the consultant.
HV was no help. I had her come out as recently as this week as a last ditch attempt to help me in some way and all she could talk about was authoritative parenting. She mentions it every single time. I already do that (clear set routines, boundaries, positive reinforcement) She thinks he doesn't eat because he has weak cordial.
I've given up on her help now.

Things he does well:

He is a very loving boy. He hugs and kisses me and his dad. He loves his baby sister (11 weeks).

He loves films and nursery rhymes and soft play.

Things we are finding challenging:

He won't sit and do an activity at all. All suggested activities like colouring, stickers, painting, baking, sensory bags, reading, toys, imaginary play he might entertain for 30 seconds or so, but that's it. So it's incredibly difficult to teach him anything or just play.

The only thing he seems to get any pleasure from or interested in is films and tv. I put it on when I'm feeding baby but I can't have him absorbed in it all day.

He screams at me most of the day and points at me. He's screaming no at me and I can be just sat there. Not a clue. So I tell him to stop shouting at mummy and he gets even more hysterical.

I took him to playgroup this week and he totally freaked out and wouldn't play. Was climbing up me, screaming and lashing out. Of course everyone decided to watch. I managed to get him out of there walking holding my hand but it took a long tike to calm him down in front of an audience.
I cried when we got to the car.

Days out, meals out and trips to friends houses have all but stopped. He will literally just scream and cry all day and we don't know what's wrong.

Food has become a huge issue. He used to be a brilliant eater but now he barely touches food. He screams no at the plate, and attempts to throw it. He's lost weight for sure, but again the HVs advice was don't let him drink cordial and the paediatrician was quite dismissive of this issue as well. So he ends up going to bed with nothing.

My husband has mentioned divorce to me twice this week in the context of parenting. After he saw the nightly kicking and hitting mummy episode he told me that he can see how people with young kids end up getting divorced, because the kids are so horrible it stresses the parents out to the point where they take it out on each other.
We have no breaks, no overnight childcare. We may get an evening every now and then, but to be honest, we are SO shattered from the daily grind of all the above, there's nothing left to give. Nothing. I might have the energy to have a shower. That's it.

I don't know what the point of this post is, I've sought medical advice and whilst it has ruled out any conditions, it hasn't been much help. I've asked people I know with kids and their responses are usually that they don't know, or none at all.

I don't go out anymore as I'm so shattered so I've lost all but one of my friends (I'm guessing they weren't so great to begin with but ) I've put on a ton of weight because I'm so shattered I don't want to cook and I just snack on crap all day to keep me going. I make DS all his meals from scratch though and just sob sometimes when I scrape the whole lot in the bin. I've read 4 parenting books and implemented things from all of them that I thought would work. Some did some didn't.

We don't holiday anymore. We took him twice and both times were utter disasters. The second one was so bad that I actually called the GP (UK holiday) as I thought he can't possibly be normal. The woman who ran the kids club was horrified at his behaviour.

I just don't know anymore. I'm broken.

Oh should add my daughter who has coeliacs had speech therapy at same age as your son is now. (I also had a baby to wrangle at that time too so I totally get you!) They say now it was all related. We did all the hearing tests etc too. Shes 6 now, top half of her class academically and is honestly lovely and happy and healthy. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

@Piixxiiee he sometimes cries at night and is inconsolable, then he will fart and I can physically feel him relax after it. Diahorrea all the time ( I can't remember he last solid) that burns his bum and of course pushing food away.

Someone else mentioned up thread about losing weight and if I have weighed him. I haven't, he just feels skin and bone, I can see his spine and it upsets me so much. He has so much healthy nutritious food available to him I just wish he would eat it

@Piixxiiee any tips on getting the doctor to agree to a blood test? It says on the nhs website that they don't test for it as standard but the more I think about, I need to at least rule it out. It's the loose nappies that are constant, it could be connected.

Tiredtrumpet it really does sound like it could be this. Whilst I dont wish it upon him (&you) it is a fairly easy fix - please get him tested and also when you take him to Dr ask them to examine him- diarrhea with coeliacs can be due to severe constipation or impacting- gp can feel tummy and tell you. If so they will give you movicol- great stuff. He will start feeling better within a few days.

My daughter was small and skinny- I didnt weigh her either I could just tell. If you mention" failure to thrive" to gp they will take it seriously. Coeliacs disease means the gut cant take in the nutrients it needs as its damaged. So iron, vit d and especially calcium can all be low. Which affect energy. My daughter was constantly on the go, almost couldn't relax except telly but looked so tired, she was getting up so early too. It all changed within a few months of gluten free diet and looking back I can see the symptoms were related but at the time I just thought it was her.

Sorry messages crossed - losing weight,diarrhea, not eating and "failure to thrive" these should trigger a blood test. If not ask Dr to note all of these symptoms on his file then literally rebook another appointment immediately. I did fight for it and 3 appointments later I got blood test. Goodluck

If he tests negative for coeliacs I suggest cutting out dairy to see if he has a dairy allergy. The gastro symptoms you describe are consistent with dairy allergy. There is no reliable test, it's just a case of cutting it out and seeing if he improves. Google CMPA if you want more info. I'd go down the coeliac test route first tho.

You'll probably need to make a list of possible problems/conditions and work through the list one at a time to try to work out what the problem is.

OP would he wear a backpack with reins attached like this?

www.gooutdoors.co.uk/15896406/littlelife-dinosaur-daysack-with-rein-15896406/?istCompanyId=c2ec8a5d-93c1-4850-a97a-f4d89d7c99c8&istFeedId=2755fba0-7dfe-46a9-bfd0-09b37aed8b93&istItemId=warpiqlap&istBid=t&gclid=CjwKCAiA8ejuBRAaEiwAn-iJ3nPcEmOsClHzQIeGzEC4pktvYO87DGv2585ouDGRximJHgrCzucUIxoCCjcQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

@greentomatos yes I think that's a good idea. Making a list of possible conditions/allergies etc and ruling them out gives me something to focus on. It's almost like I'm treating it like a project at work, which makes me feel more confident about it iyswim.

@waspfig that's adorable. I would be reluctant to buy something like that because I doubt it would work, but he could use it as a nursery bag or normal back pack if the reins don't work, thank you

Don't get fobed off. Take him back to GP Get him checked for glue ear. Although his hearing is fine he may have that which can cause behaviour problems. My DS has it and he's has been a nightmare! My DS hearing is fine and communication is great but he freaks out at preschool when the kids are being really loud and he doesn't sleep properly which causes more tantrums and problems.
Also you could try some simple makaton signing to help him communicate better. Does he like going outside? Let him play in the garden with mud, sticks, bugs etc. Try cooking? Baking? I'd reduce tv as he may be over stimulated. Books whilst you feed might be a better option, bit of a juggling act but also engaging.
Can you implement time out and be strick with it? Don't respond to screaming, ask him to sign or say what he wants

Yes working through a list systematically might give you a sense of control. Also if you keep some notes on why you've ruled out the ones you have "crossed off" it will be helpful for those brain-fart moments when you forget why you thought it couldn't be that. Also helpful for when you go to the dr.

Wishing you the best of luck xx

I have no advice but just wanted to say you sound like you are coping remarkably well.

My toddler is going through a challenging phase at the moment, a mix of pushing boundaries and not sleeping well or up at 5am. I've been feeling sorry for myself and luckily am pregnant and on mat leave so able to go for naps. All I can say is that everything is harder when'd you've not had the physical and mental health that sleep provides. Can your DP take some a couple of days off to give you a break from the DC? Does DS go to nursery, if so how is he there? Is he the same as at home or does his behaviour get a little better when other children are there?

Yes to cute backpack with reins! I got this for DS and each time we go out with it I get him to choose a small toy/book/snack to go inside the bag. Reinforces it being "his bag" and a good thing so he then would forget to kick off about the reins!