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Original poster

Can’t win with husband? Am I being unfair?

34 replies

Nicola1892 · 19/11/2019 15:08

So I’ve been with my husband for 9 year 3 married. We have 3 children 5,2 and 6 months. I’m currently on maternity leave And he is self employed fx trader so works when he wants.. I just can’t cope anymore and if I ask for help he just says no or is more focused on playing Playstaion or watching TV. If I do leave him for the kids he just gets angry and shouts at them for being an inconvenience. Our youngest wakes up constantly all night so I’m exhausted, i Don’t let my husband help at night as he will just sit up all night with the kids and be foul the next day. Last night our youngest was awake all night! So of course I am shattered and wanted a couple of hours sleep today, but nope I get to sleep when the kids sleep and when they woke up he just continued to play PlayStation even though I’m exhausted. My parents had the kids on Friday night so I decided to clean the house and when I asked him to clean the bathroom he just laughed and said no! I am dreading going back to work as he will then have to look after the kids and god help them! I tried to speak to him about this morning as we haven’t talked since I got woken up with the kids but he gets so defensive whenever I try to speak to him, I can’t cope with doing everything myself and tip toeing around him all the time! Just feel used at the moment ☹️ It’s not like he even does anything nice for me or appreciative, I can’t even make new friends as he just doesn’t like anyone I speak to and says they are tramps and bad news, I just never feel like I’m doing anything right

OP posts:
DivGirl · 19/11/2019 15:15

Why are you with this man?

Original poster
Nicola1892 · 19/11/2019 15:21

because if I left him he would most likely kill himself and I love him

OP posts:
TDL2016 · 19/11/2019 15:24

Why do you think he would kill himself?

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Original poster
Nicola1892 · 19/11/2019 15:28

Because he suffers fro. Depression and anxiety and won’t get him and he has no friends and only his mum so he has nobody apart from us. I just know that’s what he would do as he never is happy and is always in weird moods

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicola1892 · 19/11/2019 15:28

Won’t get help that should say

OP posts:
blackcat86 · 19/11/2019 15:29

Ah yes that old chestnut. No he wouldn't and if he did it wouldn't be your fault. Why are you allowing yourself to be treated so appallingly.Please ensure you dont allow him to isolate you. Reach out to friends and family for support and be honest about what is happening. Do your parents know how useless he is?

MrsBertBibby · 19/11/2019 15:31

Well that's a fabulous basis for a life, OP.

What about him do you love?

LolaSmiles · 19/11/2019 15:32

You are not responsible for his happiness. You are not responsible for his mental health.
You are not responsible for his emotionally abusive threads or claims about suicide.

Please don't allow yourself to be treated appallingly.

Speak to womensaid or some support offline, or post in relationships for some excellent advice.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/11/2019 15:34

How did he cope looking after them before you were on maternity leave with this one?

Living in misery, for you and the kids, because he’s blackmailing you with suicidal threats is horrendous. How much will you put up with because that’s his trump card?

msmith501 · 19/11/2019 15:35

I'm sure there is a term for this but I suspect he is using depression and killing himself as an excuse for the fact that he is lazy, can't be arsed and you are basically his servant. Your life is not a rehearsal and yet you have a leading part in his melodrama. Unless you bring this to a head, you will have given your life in servitude.

Herocomplex · 19/11/2019 15:36

You can’t go on like this, unless he changes you’re going to end up in your knees, if you’re not already. I’d start by getting some help in the house if he won’t shift from the gaming. But seriously, it’s time to put you and your kids in a better position.
This is no way to live.

Ilovethekitties · 19/11/2019 15:43

He is emotionally manipulating you and holding suicide over your head so that he can get you to do everything for him.

Your post should have said you have four children! How dare he sit there whilst you cook, clean and take care of the children and have the audacity to get shitty when you ask for the most simple help.

You are being emotionally abused and need to leave. Do you have daughters? They will grow up thinking being treated as a slave is normal.

Sparklfairy · 19/11/2019 15:44

So would you rather that he kill himself or you. Ebcause that's what it boils down to.

Realistically he is grinding you down and killing your soul. You're like fucking Cinderella. You will look back on your life years from now and mourn the woman you once were. There is more to life than this.

You know there is something wrong when he happily constantly puts himself first, and you feel guilty doing the same even once.

Ugzbugz · 19/11/2019 15:45

More importantly why are you letting your children be treated like this and allowing them to witness this behaviour and grow up to think it's okay? You dont want them thinking this is normal and then them being treated the same. If you dont leave or make him leave your life will never ever change.

Original poster
Nicola1892 · 19/11/2019 15:54

Just want to clear some things up, he hasn’t ever said he would kill himself if I left but he does struggle with dark thoughts and is in a bad place at the moment. He never coped well when I was working before and he was looking after the kids but he survived, now we have 3 I don’t know if he will. He does play with the kids etc he’s not always a angry shouting man. He does cook half the time and does some bits round the house but not a lot. He did open up to me on Saturday about his mental health and how he needs to get out of bed etc but Monday come and he went straight back to playing PlayStation. This morning he went abit mad because of the bank balance, apparently I spent too much ( I go to town and buy a lot of shit when bored and he’s playing PlayStation) but I have also done all the Xmas shopping on my own which is why the bank has been hit. My parents love him and my dad was devestated When we last had a massive fall out and I basically kicked him out for being lazy, although he packed his stuff and I informed my dad he never left the house and we made up. I just feel like I’m being dramatic but it’s the way I feel

OP posts:
TDL2016 · 19/11/2019 16:06

@nicola1892
Have you spoke to your family about the situation you are in? What would they say if you told them how you are feeling? Don’t stay with someone just because your family like them, they don’t live day to day in your shoes.

Sounds like he’s using the PlayStation as a coping mechanism? To avoid facing his low mood? Does he get out and about, maybe go to the gym or to sports games? Go shopping with you? Why would he be angry at your bank balance?
You say he works as an fx trader? Is he doing this as a ‘full time’ equivalent? Or are you the main “breadwinner”?
I know many people make fx trading look glamorous and exciting on Instagram, but is this the reality for you?
It sounds like this situation could really get worse and worse if your husband doesn’t get help and find some structure.

fishonabicycle · 19/11/2019 16:14

He's not depressed. He's a c*nt.

PlanDeRaccordement · 19/11/2019 16:19

He does not sound depressed. Really depressed means no doing things you enjoy like PlayStation. Maybe it is a gaming addiction? Or he is pulling the wool over your eyes because he is not showing any signs of a depressed person.
Nine years is a long time, is this new or same old behaviour?
I agree YANBU op and no one should have to put up with that. Your family may adore him, but they will understand if you tell them the truth about how he may be charming on surface but a toad underneath.

7yo7yo · 19/11/2019 16:22

I love how depression and anxiety are his excuse for being a cunt.
Leave him.
As for loving him, why would you?!

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/11/2019 16:28

he’s not always a angry shouting man

That’s not saying much. Your children deserve better than a dad who only manages not to be angry and shouty some of the time.

When you decided to have a third child did he say he’d be able to cope with looking after them when you when back to work?

Original poster
Nicola1892 · 19/11/2019 16:30

I don’t discuss my life with my family, my sister would take great pleasure in my relationship failing as we don’t get on. I don’t have a great relationship with my parents so don’t feel comfortable telling them about my marriage problems. He is addicted to gaming and always has been but now we have 3 kids you would think he wouldn’t have time! I’ve asked him so many times to get help for his mental health for year but he doesn’t just says he’s life when he’s not but I can’t force him to go. I’ve told him to join the gym and even though he wants too he doesn’t, I always say let’s do something or shall we go to town but his reply is always to do what or it’s too cold or the weathers bad or we have 3 kids we can’t do this or that! I don’t drive and he does so it’s not like I can even take the kids out Anywhere apart from the park or town And I’m just too exhausted to learn to drive, I’ve tried a couple of time’s when on maternity leave but I end up crying by the second lesson. He is the breadwinner but we aren’t like them insta people, we live in a 2 bed house on a nice estate, we have enough money to survive no income for a couple of months, he does his trading I work in a care home and we get UC because he doesn’t always earn a lot but sometimes does so might have to pay some back next April. Because I have shit credit and he went bankrupt 2 years ago after he quit his old job we can’t even get a bigger house as poor credit. We argue a lot over the size of the house as we are cramped but he just says it is what it is we can last another couple of year here! Haha yeah right! His attitude altogether has got worse over the years, he’s never happy anymore which also makes me feel like we are a inconvenience to his life. I just wish he would say he’s not happy with our life as it’s so obvious he’s not as he’s always so god damn grumpy! I just give up

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicola1892 · 19/11/2019 16:32

We didn’t actually decide to have a third we was using condoms all the time (every time) so we literally have no idea how it happened but she happened. I had a abortion when we first got together and a miscarriage before our second just after we got married so keeping was the only option but I got my tubes tied now so never again

OP posts:
Collision · 19/11/2019 16:34

I would like to say why on earth did you have 3 kids with this horrible man but I’m sure that’s not helpful.

I would ask him to leave.

He sounds horrible and of no use at all.

But you won’t so I’m not sure what you want us to say.

Collision · 19/11/2019 16:35

X post

Lllot5 · 19/11/2019 16:37

Oh blimey ffs just leave him. I fail to see how your life would be worse on your own I really do.