What am I doing wrong?! Help / advice please

[90schic]

Hello everyone, I would really appreciate some advice. My son is 15 months old. He has NEVER slept through the night, not once, not even close. Best night was two wake ups and that happened ONCE! Once in fifteen months bloody months

He is breastfed and sleeps in bed with me as I was struggling to cope from the sleep deprivation... this set up meant we got the most sleep and I wasn’t full awoken by going in and out of his room again and again all night.

I am not a fan of CIO or CC, though I don’t judge anyone who has done it of course! I just can’t bare the screams, plus I live in a flat with elderly neighbours so it would be hard for me to do as I get anxious about the noise disturbing them. They are proper moaners / noise police.

Sorry this post is so long and waffley I just want to give all the details.... so Since the clocks changed he has been waking up at 4.30/5am. Previously he woke at 5.30/6am, combined with the several night wakings... I am on my arse. My partner doesn’t help with night feeds as he works away Monday - Saturday.

I have tried to push bedtime later (7.30pm) he STILL wakes up at 4.30am, I have tried to make bedtime earlier - strangely he wakes at 4.45/5am when bedtime is earlier????!!!

I think he might be ready to go to one nap a day...??? He is currently on two (1 hour) naps a day. Usually wake at 4.30/5 - nap at 9, nap at 2, bed at 7/7.30.... Goes down pretty easy for the naps... however Bed time usually is a struggle and takes 30mins to settle him every night.

Here lies my problem... he can only handle awake time’s of 5hours max. Any longer than this and he has a crap unsettled nap (from overtiredness) how the hell can I put him on one nap a day when he wakes at 4.30am also????? He seems to struggle to sleep more than 10 hours at night... why? All the other babies I know sleep 12 hours.... what gives? Is this normal????

I feel like a crap mum because all my other friends babies sleep through the night and I am stuck with the clingy bed sharer who wakes all night long. I’m starting to really resent him and feel constantly shattered. It’s making me be the kind of mum I don’t want to be (cross and short with him)

What am I doing wrong is there any option but CIO or CC? Will this even 100% work? Is there anything I can do that isn’t CIO? Does this sound like a nap drop to you? How can I drop a nap with these super early wakings? Will they end if I just go for it and have a grumpy screamer for a few days whilst he re-adjusts?

Anyone else in the same boat and want to bitch about their evil sleepless offspring to make me feel better?

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH I just feel so lost and I’m second guessing everything I do. He’s currently watching the wiggles as I just can’t mum right now

In the same boat as you, love. 18mth girl. She actually spent the night screaming her head off which has made not brought the best out in me today. I want to put her own bed, feel really unsupported by my husband on that - I feel like I have to do the thinking for both of us all the time.

Uhh it’s so awful isn’t it @gothefcktosleep I feel like all this has changed my personality. I’m such a fucking grouch these days. my DP thinks it’s my fault the baby isn’t sleeping yet and makes no secret of that. Apparently I am not tough enough on him

I wish my DS would sleep in his own bed. He has a panic stricken bitch fit the minute he wakes up and sees I’m not there. So I know it would never happen. If I have another kid they are going straight in the cot in their own room from day one And if one more person tells me what a dream sleeper they have I’m going to karate chop them in the throat

Just echoing the others who’ve said you’re doing nothing wrong!

DS started sleeping through at 19 months, before that it was often multiple wake ups a night. He’s now 3 and for the past year has regularly slept through unless he’s ill.

Hang on in there!

PS white noise apps like SoundSleeper can sometimes help

You are not a crap mum. Sadly, all babies are different and there’s not a magic solution. But, you will get through this.

Thank you for your reassurance @Waterloosunsets I literally pray every day that he will just ‘get it’ soon and sleep better... I feel so frustrated and powerless at the situation. I am deffo going to try the one nap a day I think. It will be awful today 4.30-11.30 but I don’t know what else to do and I’m losing my marbles. I’ll have a look at Sarah Ockwell too thanks for suggesting! I just need to feel I am doing SOMETHING to help this situation, I know that sounds bonkers but I just can’t accept this is the way things are.... he slept 9 hours last night ... now he’s awake dancing?! He’s lucky he is so cute or I would put him in a wicker basket and leave him outside of a neighbours house

It's so hard!

You say your aim is for him to sleep alone in his cot. Does he do this at all? The transition from cosleeping to this is going to be a gradual one nurturing behavior change if controlled crying isn't for you. Does he bf to sleep?

Cutting down daytime sleep may make him overtired.......

@TrussBuss @MiniMaxi thanks for your messages both. It’s good to know there is light at the end of the tunnel. Even if it is still a long way off! so hard to not blame myself sometimes. I am a SAHM, he doesn’t go to nursery or anything so I can’t blame his bad sleep or extreme separation anxiety on him being away from mum or not getting enough sleep at nursery or anything like that. I just feel like I have created a monster!! He is SO demanding at the moment too, coupled with the lack of sleep ... it’s so intense.

Have you considered using a sleep consultant? They might be able to suggest ways to improve his sleep within parameters you are comfortable with e.g. no being left to cry. Good luck.

@MrsPatrickDempsey he doesn’t sleep in his own bed no. Not even for naps I lay next to him BF him to sleep for every nap then sneak out when he’s down. I feel embarrassed even typing that lol.

I would definitely cut down the nap. Anything is worth a try! My DS (almost 3) went to 1 nap at 10/11months and I was so nervous it would make things worse but it was 100x better. A long lunchtime nap is the absolute dream. I used to sleep for an hour with him then do an hour of cleaning/watching crap on tv.

I also had a nightmare sleeping child. He was in my bed, bf 4 times a night. I cracked at 17 months and had a full day of fun with his cousins then he stayed at Grandmas. Got him back the next night and he woke his usual 4 times, had a cuddle and a drink of water and went straight back to sleep and I kid you not he has slept through ever since. No cc or CIO. Admittedly he still sleeps in my bed but I don't care as he is sleeping.

@MrsPatrickDempsey that’s what I am scared of!! Is he such a shit sleeper because he is overtired?? Or because he is getting too much sleep?!!?? I’m so confused and tired.

Share your ugh. 13 month old is the same. three and a half year old dc has never slept through. seven year slept through from 12 months, but then hit 18 months and got progressively worse.

I keep imagining the type of person I’d have been if my babies had slept.

I have tried sleep training all evening, several evenings, Ssh-Pat at regular intervals, gradual retreat, etc. Without a hand touching them, they’re up and screaming. Five hours I did one night. Five bloody hours. Like you I co sleep to try and get a bit more sleep.

Don't feel embarrassed! You are caring for your baby! But his sleep won't spontaneously change until he can self settle.

@knittedgoldfish I wanted one!!! put a business case in to the master of coin DP but sadly he said no ‘waste of money’ apparently...

You are doing nothing wrong. This will pass.....one day!! My eldest was pants and now sleeps (he's 11 😂) Is he warm enough? Can you try leaving the heating on over night? Is he hungry? Try supper before bed - as long as baby is a healthy weight try milk and toast at bedtime ...or a bowl of porridge. Or a warm milk at 4:30 to see if he resettles. (actually give a cup of warm milk....not to stop bf completely...but just to try something else.). Karate chop anyone who tells you their kids sleeps through. I don't think CC works or is healthy. Finally can you go away for the night and leave your son with dad? (Just so you get a night of uninterrupted sleep to refresh). Your baby will be fine and bf won't stop next of one night away.

Ok, there’s a few things you can try. All of them will be worse in the short term but better in the long run. Firstly, getting him back in his own room. Stick an armchair in there, and instead of cuddling him to sleep in your bed, do it in the chair in his room then transfer him. Once you’ve established that, you can start putting him down nearly asleep but staying right there with him and rubbing his back, singing etc. until he’s asleep. If he cries, pick him up, quick reassurance cuddle then back down again. Then you can gradually scale down the reassurance patting and put him down slightly more awake once he’s got the hang of it. When he wakes in the night, DO NOT take him out of his room. You can offer a feed, give him a cuddle etc but don’t take him out of his bedroom - his bedroom is where he spends the night. After the feed, repeat the way you put him to bed in the first place. It doesn’t matter how many times you have to pick them up and lie them back down - stick with it - our worst night with DS was 27, but it meant I never had to leave him to cry and he learnt to self-settle. Once he’s mastered the sleeping in the cot, you go in for one wake up, but send DH in for the others. If he doesn’t have the boobs and the feed isn’t being offered, he’s more likely to stop waking up so often for it. DH can offer water and should follow the same routine as at bedtime.

Naps - one nap would probably help. Can you start pushing the morning nap later gradually and waking him earlier from the afternoon one?

@Snaleandthewhail omg how are you still standing woman!!! Three and a half years of this and I’ll be in the looney bin fair play for having another as well. You brave woman. I honestly fear this may be my only child after all this sleep deprivation I would be too scared to have another incase they didn’t sleep either!!

I'm really sorry that you're going through this. We had a similar situation of early bedtimes and early wakes up for a little while. We did have to give two naps but instead of 2 longish naps, we have a 15 min nap at around 9:30-10. No longer than 10- 15 mins, then woke up out DD. We would then give her the actual nap at around 12:30. By capping the nap at 10-15 mins you're giving him a little booster but not so much that you have to wait a full 4-5 hours for the next nap. He should still have a very good sleep drive for the nap at midday! I hope this helps.

Sorry I forgot to say that after a little while, the bedtime got to a reasonable hour - 8pm and wakes up moved to 6:30-7ish. And then we were able to adjust to one nap. It took a few weeks!

My son started sleeping through at 16 months through no intervention from me. He will get there in his own time!

I’m not sure anyone enjoys sleep training but it’s far better for everyone than a continuous lack of sleep. It’s far kinder than a continuously snappy parent or an irreparable fractured parental relationship.
The alternative is to continue not sleeping until the child agrees to sleep through- which can be well through primary school if parents continue to allow them to rule the roost.
The whole tosh about emotional abuse of sleep training was disproved years ago but still trotted out regularly.
Personally, I think children need sleep. They need to be taught good sleep habits. Knowing they can settle themselves builds resilience throughout childhood. It’s one of the first challenges they learn they can cope with. Just as you teach a child to use a knife and fork or to count, so you should teach them to sleep.

Also, don't be afraid of an early bedtime. My son transitioned to no naps (😱) at 20 months and he goes to bed at 5pm. He cannot handle any longer! So you could try 1 nap at 11am and put him to bed at 5pm. He may surprise you and do 12 hours.

Thank you for the messages all! I will definitely give these suggestions a try and it’s great to feel I have options. I don’t think DS is hungry as he is on the boob all night long and has a GINORMOUS dinner. He is very good with his meals. Coldness could be an issue though as he doesn’t like blankets so I just put him in layers and put the heating on a timer. So that’s a consideration!

I have attempted to quieten him without the boob but that ultimately ends in a scream fest. I think I may have to try again, maybe pre warn the neighbours... I’m sure she will be THRILLED

@princessbananahammock252
I’m going to try this today!! Just to get us to 12ish for his nap. As 4.30-11.30 is a bit cruel isn’t it! Thanks for suggestion.