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Original poster

Advice - my ex-wife lies to me about our children

35 replies

aberdeen83 · 16/11/2019 00:07

My ex-wife and I share custody of our children. I get them 4 days in 2 weeks.

However things are getting really strained. She will tell me that she is looking after them, when she is actually on holiday and her parents are looking after the children. She will tell me they are off for a day, when it was actually two days. She will pick a time to pick up the girls from me which suits her and not discuss with me in advance.

The situation is just untenable and I want to stop my ex-wife taking advantage
What action do you recommend?

OP posts:

Doyoumind · 16/11/2019 00:10

What happens to the children when they are in her care is none of your business, legally speaking. If you want the opportunity for first refusal if she's away and consistent pick up times, your best bet is mediation and court if that doesn't work.

nocoolnamesleft · 16/11/2019 00:13

So time with the maternal grandparents comes out of mum's time? Isn't that normal? You wouldn't be happy if it came out of your time?

ShippingNews · 16/11/2019 00:15

If you want her to pick them up at a particular time you need to go back to court. The other issues are not really worth fighting about - if she goes on holidays and her parents have got them, they are still being looked after . If she tells you they are off for one day and it's really two days, I don't think that is worth fighting over.

Lying about the kids happens to most separated parents at different times. To hear my ex talk about his relationship with the kids, you'd swear he was father of the year....yet they say they hardly ever see him. It's a matter of perception .

Interested in this thread?

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Families General parenting

NoSquirrels · 16/11/2019 00:21

Why does the time they spend with grandparents matter to you?

Are the DC happy? That’s what matters.

I don’t know how she can ‘pick a time to pick up the girls from me which suits her and not discuss with me in advance’ - surely she has to discuss it with you in order for you to be around to facilitate it? Don’t you have an agreed schedule and routine?

You may have legitimate issues but if so you’ve picked rather small things to focus on - I don’t know that any if this counts as lying to you about the children.

Original poster

aberdeen83 · 16/11/2019 00:28

The issue with leaving our children with the grandparents is that I was not informed. I contacted about picking them up but got no reply, because she was away. I did not have the correct emergency contact details and screwed up my plans to pick them up. My ex will also lie yo me and the school about our children being ill when they are off for a day out. We do have a routine but she does not think that she is in the wrong when she changes it.

OP posts:

Doyoumind · 16/11/2019 00:36

She doesn't have to tell you when she's away. It would be courteous to but you can't demand it. Are you not consistent with pick ups either? How did it mess up plans.

If the children are being taken out of school for the wrong reasons that is something where you have a stronger case but how will you prove it and how do you know? How old are the children?

ClapHandsAndSaveTheFairies · 16/11/2019 00:36

I think the other point regarding the grandparents having them is that if they're staying with GPs not as an actual holiday with the GPs, but for childcare purposes, then why can't the father/nrp be asked if they would like to see them a bit more, before the GPs are asked - as unless there's been issues with DV, the father/nrp being a dick in whatever ways, then it's perfectly reasonable.

Not to mention, whilst the time is technically the mums/rp contact, if it's a parenting issue rather than planned break then you could see it as the fathers responsibility over the GPs, if you see where I'm coming from.

I'm the RP to mine, different dads, ones dad I'll let know if I'm wanting to organise to go away at a particular time in the future, the other one was very abusive and there's no contact and there's no way I'd make that contact. In case this helps my POV.

OP, you can't say anything about what she organises unless there's a court order in place which specifies what is to be done in these circumstances. I do recommend a court order unless a split couple genuinely get on (I have one court order for one of mine, nothing for the other - pretty sure I don't need to say which has the CO)

WendyMoiraAngelaDarling · 16/11/2019 00:37

You sound controlling and I am not surprised she doesn't tell you anything.

Savingforarainyday · 16/11/2019 00:43

How long was she away for? Are we talking weeks or a couple of days?

Have you been separated long? If it is still recent, then I think it's normal for each of you to still be a bit tender, and reactive. Are you guys still finding your feet with regard to communication?
It would bother me if I didn't know where my kids were.

123Pandora · 16/11/2019 00:44

I think she's being unfair to you. She knows what she's doing and that it will wind you up! Seek legal advice to stop her petty games

Original poster

aberdeen83 · 16/11/2019 00:48

My ex told me that she was looking after them. I tried to to contact her about pick up arrangements but couldn't arrange anything because there was no reply. That impacts not just me but my children. How am I supposed to know if my children have been picked up if my wife does not reply?

OP posts:

Mummy0ftwo12 · 16/11/2019 00:52

You facilitate a good relationship with your ex?

FuckKnowsMate · 16/11/2019 00:54

I don’t think you sound controlling at all OP .
Sounds like communication is shit between you both. Not a good foundation for co-parenting. Go to Court and get an order for child arrangements. What she does in her own time regarding childcare is down to her however. But as for picking the kids up whenever she wants without notifying you, then that’s not on. The grandparent issue whislt she is in holiday is here nor there as long as they are being looked after properly in what is her time. The only issue is if there was an emergency and the gps don’t have your contact details. If the grandparents were looking after the children when you were meant to have them then again that’s not on especially if you were not told of the arrangements.

HirplesWithHaggis · 16/11/2019 00:55

Contact the person supposed to be doing the pickup, if not you?

123Pandora · 16/11/2019 00:56

That's the point. She won't tell him whos doing the pickup

Original poster

aberdeen83 · 16/11/2019 01:06

The communication has been rubbish for over 6 months. My ex once told me she couldn't pick up our children as she didn't have access to her car, even though she agreed to previously. I found out that she had loaned her car to her mum, even though her mum could have used her husband's car instead. I was only given 24 hrs notice and after the plans had been made with her mum, when it was too late. I had to drop of our children without being asked first if I was able to do it.

OP posts:

missperegrinespeculiar · 16/11/2019 01:24

I disagree with PPs, yes, she does not have to tell you what SHE is doing, none of your business, but as a father you have the right to know where your children are and who is looking after them, what if there was an emergency and you tried to contact them but was unable to? to PPs, you would really be comfortable now knowing where your children are for days? I wouldn't!

But then I am not separated, so fully admit I might have no idea of the "rules" in this situation.

Original poster

aberdeen83 · 16/11/2019 12:58

I am considering my next options as the situation is becoming a joke!

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 16/11/2019 13:13

What have you tried to do to improve communication?

Would you like to have the DC more?

What is the agreed schedule of drop-offs and pick-ups?

GrumpyHoonMain · 16/11/2019 13:46

She is the RP and does the lions share of the parenting - she shouldn’t have to approve childcare decisions on her time with you. If you want more rights go to court and try and get your kids more than 4 days every 2 weeks!

bullyingadvice2017 · 16/11/2019 14:38

I share care with my kids dad. He has them 10 to 12 nights a month. Get on great. Made him a brew and a butty when he brought them back today.... so no issues at all

It would not even cross my mind to tell him that I'd left the kids with my parents on my time?? Why would it? And he has them a lot more than you have yours. Still not a issue. Unless he was looking for one.

Original poster

aberdeen83 · 16/11/2019 16:04

bullyingadvice2017 - It is an issue regarding the grandparents looking after my children, if I am picking up my children and need to contact the person who is looking after the children. I contacted my ex yesterday about pick up, but her phone was switched off and I had no idea that I should have been contacting the grandparents instead.

OP posts:

SpinneyHill · 16/11/2019 16:08

How am I supposed to know if my children have been picked up if my wife does not reply?

Eh? Whose picking them up for you?
If it's always GPs having the kids you ring them.

SpinneyHill · 16/11/2019 16:12

But why do you need contact?

Is there not a regular arrangement?

lazymoz · 16/11/2019 16:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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