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Original poster

Should I let me ex partner have custody of our children?

30 replies

Dietcoke82 · 15/11/2019 19:32

I really need some advice. I split up with my children’s dad about 7 months ago. Our relationship was very volatile towards the end and I ended up being rehoused due to domestic abuse.

We have 2 boys aged 5 and 6 and they currently live with me. However I had post natal depression following the birth of our first son and as a result my ex partner became the full time parent to our children and I returned to work and eventually overcame my post natal depression.

Now the children live with me full time and see their dad every other weekend.

The problem is that I have never liked being a parent. I don’t enjoy the company of my children most of the time. I know this is an awful thing to say but I feel like just because I am a mother I am supposed to feel a certain way about my children and I just don’t. Of course I love them and I look after them but their dad is actually the better parent. I have no energy to play with them and give them the attention that they want and their dad no matter what, a hard day at work or during times of stress drops everything to play with them and they love him so much.

I don’t want to give my children up to their dad but feel that they would be better living with him and seeing me at the weekends instead. But I feel like when I talk to anybody about this that I am made to feel that I am suffering from some sort of depression or mental health problem which is why I feel this way, when in actual fact I just feel that I’m not a maternal person and although I love my kids I can’t cope with them full time by myself

So my question is, is it selfish for me to continue with having the children live with me full time when I am clearly not the right parent to have them full time? Should I let them live with their dad which means uprooting them from school and them living at their Nanas house until my ex partner can get housed or should I just suck it up? Obviously I do love them and don’t want to ruin their lives by forcing them to live with me when I clearly can’t cope and don’t have the patience for them.

Honest replies are welcomed. I am just very confused and don’t know what to do

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 15/11/2019 19:33

Volatile? As in violent? Be a cold day in hell for me

Original poster
Dietcoke82 · 15/11/2019 19:35

He was violent towards me towards the end of our 7 year relationship but has never been violent towards my children on in front of them. He is a very good dad

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 15/11/2019 19:36

Your ex is volatile so you had to be rehoused and you want to send the children there because you dont like them?

Poor kids.

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5 year olds Families General parenting
CalleighDoodle · 15/11/2019 19:37

No good dads aren't violent towards their children's mother

picklemepopcorn · 15/11/2019 19:37

I think you'd have to be very critical of yourself to think they should live with a man who was abusive. That is very damaging for them.

I think you'll find in time that they are great company.

You are doing something very demanding- working and parenting. Could you reduce your hours, so you get some time for yourself? Or organise life a little differently to make things easier for you?

I do not believe he is a better parent. Not at least.

Kittykat93 · 15/11/2019 19:39

Poor bloody kids. You don't want them, and your ex is violent. Just brilliant

Quartz2208 · 15/11/2019 19:40

I think you havent not properly recovered from the end of your relationship.

In no way can you send them to live in such a situation but you do need help

what support have you accessed

Original poster
Dietcoke82 · 15/11/2019 19:40

Very helpful. Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Dietcoke82 · 15/11/2019 19:41

Very helpful

OP posts:
ghostfromholidaypast · 15/11/2019 19:41

You are either in the wrong because you took them away from their main parents when you spilt up and only gave EOW or Your in the wrong because you want an easier life and have decided to give them back.
Nothing actually about your dc abs what they need or want.

If you believe he is the better parent then why not go 50/50, because you need to be prepared to lose any benefits or support you get having them with you full time.

Original poster
Dietcoke82 · 15/11/2019 19:42

I have domestic abuse support and early help advisors who are working with me. But I am completely on my own. No help from family or friends and I am working and studying for a degree also in my third year

OP posts:
Lochnessgiraffe · 15/11/2019 19:43

I'll pm you.

MrsRedFly · 15/11/2019 19:43

How about 50/50?

Original poster
Dietcoke82 · 15/11/2019 19:43

I wanted to do 50/50 but my partner says he wants all or for it to remain as it is. My children do tell me that they want to live with their dad but they are only 5 and 6

OP posts:
FriedasCarLoad · 15/11/2019 19:45

If he’d never been violent I’d think you’d be being very unselfish and ultimately a very loving and wise parent.

But since your ex has a recent history of violence - even in just one context - your children are surely better off with you.

Slappadabass · 15/11/2019 19:45

No! He's shown he has a nasty side, why would you want to inflict that on your children? It must have been bad for you to be re-homed.

He may be a great dad to them right now, but what about when they are going through puberty and they are pushing his buttons (which they all do, trust me!) Or come home drunk, get a girl pregnant, do drugs or one of the many many stupid things that a teen may do, Is he going to be able to keep his cool then? I doubt it.

Don't risk it, you may not be maternal but you sound like you are meeting their needs and are giving them all they need. Maternal doesn't instantly equal a good mum. I'm extremely maternal, I always have been, but I've struggled, especially with my last. As long as you are meeting your children's needs don't be so hard on yourself, even thinking about this shows you are a good mum.

Slappadabass · 15/11/2019 19:46

Just seen your update.
He wants them full time, or for contact to stay as it is. He's trying to play you, I bet when he realises he isn't getting custody he will change his tune.

Either that or he's had a taste of freedom and he likes it...

RandomMess · 15/11/2019 19:46

Can you get advice about finances about would happen if you stopped working until you finished your degree?

I think it would help you to have less to do.

I think your DC need protecting from your ex tbh.

It will take a long time with the right kind of support to "feel" much better.

Well done on removing yourself and the DC from an awful situation. Consistency with school, friends etc will be really important for them at the moment.

Thanks
ClapHandsAndSaveTheFairies · 15/11/2019 19:48

Abusive ex partner undermined my confidence and continued to do so after I got away, to the point I had thoughts like you, and thanks to the isolation he had caused me, I felt I was going more than nuts with just the company and conversation of a small toddler.

It's taken a long time but I can see how wrong I was.

You will regret it.

Please be kinder to yourself.

lookatthebabypenguin · 15/11/2019 19:49

He was violent towards me towards the end of our 7 year relationship but has never been violent towards my children on in front of them. He is a very good dad

No. No he is not. Even if domestic violence is not directly targeted at children it still harms them. So he has already damaged them. Ergo he is a terrible father.

Oh and just because he didn't abuse you in front of them doesn't mean they didn't hear him hurting you. Weren't terrified and blaming themselves for not being able to protect you.

If they lived with him alone he would make them his primary target for abuse. Please don't do that to them.

I know it's really hard after you leave an abusive situation. It feels like you're forgotten and expected to instantly heal. Or at least that's how I felt.

Have you done the Freedom Programme? It might help you with processing what you've been through and are going through now. It also covers how children are affected.

ClapHandsAndSaveTheFairies · 15/11/2019 19:50

Can you imagine a nasty man with now respect for women, bringing up two more men - I've seen it first hand, sons being taught to think and act in misogynistic ways by misonynistic men.

stucknoue · 15/11/2019 19:51

Is 50:50 an option, but otherwise if you feel its best then it's worth exploring. The kids need to come first and live with the parent that can bring them up the best

Smotheroffive · 15/11/2019 19:57

He violent. He's not a good father. He wants control of them.

Get help for yourself and never hand them over to an abusive parent.

I think you need to request an extension or pause on your degree. You have dc that really need you and you need to be well.for you, and them.

NigesFakeWalkingStick · 15/11/2019 20:05

If you were rehoused with domestic charities involved, don't they refer and liaise with social services for additional support?

When I split up with my emotionally abusive ex I had to prove to them that I wasn't going to take him back, otherwise social services would get involved from a safeguarding perspective for my DS. I never was going to anyway, so they visited once and never saw them again.

I'm not sure social services would want your abusive ex to have the children full time from a safeguarding perspective either?

Bluetrews25 · 15/11/2019 20:09

Oh he has done a right number on you. No way in the world is he a good dad. They don't hit their DC's mum. And I bet there was emotional abuse too.
You are amazing. Two DCs, surviving abuse, working AND studying to improve your future (and that of your DCs). That's a heck of a lot.
No wonder you don't have much energy left over!
Are you near the end of your degree?
Try to hang on with all you are doing, and don't let them go permanently - he's violent and abusive.
I hope you feel happy and whole again soon.

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