Should I let me ex partner have custody of our children?

[Dietcoke82]

I really need some advice. I split up with my children’s dad about 7 months ago. Our relationship was very volatile towards the end and I ended up being rehoused due to domestic abuse.

We have 2 boys aged 5 and 6 and they currently live with me. However I had post natal depression following the birth of our first son and as a result my ex partner became the full time parent to our children and I returned to work and eventually overcame my post natal depression.

Now the children live with me full time and see their dad every other weekend.

The problem is that I have never liked being a parent. I don’t enjoy the company of my children most of the time. I know this is an awful thing to say but I feel like just because I am a mother I am supposed to feel a certain way about my children and I just don’t. Of course I love them and I look after them but their dad is actually the better parent. I have no energy to play with them and give them the attention that they want and their dad no matter what, a hard day at work or during times of stress drops everything to play with them and they love him so much.

I don’t want to give my children up to their dad but feel that they would be better living with him and seeing me at the weekends instead. But I feel like when I talk to anybody about this that I am made to feel that I am suffering from some sort of depression or mental health problem which is why I feel this way, when in actual fact I just feel that I’m not a maternal person and although I love my kids I can’t cope with them full time by myself

So my question is, is it selfish for me to continue with having the children live with me full time when I am clearly not the right parent to have them full time? Should I let them live with their dad which means uprooting them from school and them living at their Nanas house until my ex partner can get housed or should I just suck it up? Obviously I do love them and don’t want to ruin their lives by forcing them to live with me when I clearly can’t cope and don’t have the patience for them.

Honest replies are welcomed. I am just very confused and don’t know what to do

Ah thanks guys. Just a few of your comments have made me rethink how I am seeing things and perhaps this is another form of mental control.

I have done the freedom programme and am waiting for specialist trauma therapy as I have had to uproot my entire life and support system where I was to move to a different area. Everyone is telling me I am doing a good job. All the support networks I just feel like I am failing them somehow

He hasn't been violent towards the children...yet, that day may well come and it is not a risk I would want to take. Please don't relinquish their care, things will get easier.

I think it's very likely that you will start to feel like a "better" mum when you feel well and happy and confident in yourself. Your boys are at a demanding age, they will become more self sufficient in no time at all. Don't commit them to living with a violent man.

OP things are tough at the moment, it's all overwhelming. Your confidence in yourself and as a parent is struggling. You are a brilliant Mum, you took your children out of an abusive relationship. For that reason alone you're amazing. The way you're feeling right now with work, studies etc is tough. Your ex is not a better parent, he's just got you feeling low and you believe it. When you've been through your counselling you'll see things much clearer. Living with abuse grinds you down, your maternal instincts have taken a pounding. Primarily due to the fact you've lived with someone who has made you feel worthless. An abuser will always be an abuser, your kids don't want to have their lives disrupted anymore. Maybe just give the counselling a go, and see how you feel then.