Should I feel this low?

[gdmpmtpp]

I have a 2 month old baby. I would firstly like to say I love her to bits, but I am at times finding parenting so hard. She is very needy, wants to be on me all the time, has suffered from reflux and constipation etc. However I am very aware that this is pretty normal.

My worry is that when I'm happy everything is fine, but when it gets tough, I feel my mood spiral. I consider leaving my partner, running away, even suicide. But as soon as she's happy again, I feel none of those things and can't understand how I got that low.

Is this normal?

It's a bit extreme. Have you spoken to the health visitor or GP about it? You have to be careful not to let it turn in to PND.

No I haven't as generally when I've seen them I've felt ok

I can’t offer any helpful advice but wanted to say you aren’t alone. I feel exactly the same. Son is now 3.5 months and because of reflux it’s been a very difficult few months. DS is now on medication but is extremely needy as a result of those first few months being constantly held etc.

Today was one of those bad days and lack of sleep I find makes everything ten times worse. Are you managing to get some sleep? Do you have any family who can help or give you a break ?

It may be worth speaking to your HV or doctor, I probably should too! But when things are getting tough I try and get out for a few hours or meet my mum to hold him while I at least have some food.

What I will say is it will get better. I have more good days than bad now... mostly.

But keep on top of how you are feeling. Make some time for yourself, take a break from little one if possible. And if you are still struggling seek help.

Sending hugs. Being a mum is hard xx

No, you shouldn't be experiencing suicidal thoughts. Please speak your GP. They are not there to judge. Just help.

I had very similar feelings to what you describe and unfortunately do still get like this occasionally now (DS is nearly 2). Looking back I probably should have gone to my GP to seek advice but because I could easily snap myself out of it I never felt the need.
I don’t have any great advice other than to try and take as much time for yourself as possible. Even just to be able to take a nice long shower at that stage was enough to help lift my mood or getting out of the house by myself for a short while. Have you spoken to your partner about how you feel so he can help?

Thanks for your responses and it's good to know I'm not alone (although of course wouldn't want anyone to feel like this!)

I don't live close to my family, I do love close ish to my in-laws, but they work so not freely available. My partner knows I sometimes get upset, but doesn't know how dark I can feel, he just wouldn't underhand it, and he also sees me happy at times. Today is probably a bad day as I've been on my own. DH works long hours and isn't home yet.

My circumstances are much better than so many mums out there, I don't understand why I struggle so much

@BellaNutella88 I'm probably averaging 4-5 hrs a night and no real chance of day sleeping as she generally needs to be in a sling to sleep during the day. My mum visits a couple of days a month and too far away for me to visit at the moment.
I really hope it gets better for you soon x

I feel a bit like this (I have three... 5, 4 and 9 months). When things are going well I’m completely happy. As soon as something goes wrong (a particularly horrific nights sleep, everyone being hit with an illness, a day of being cried/whinged at constantly) I seem to spiral into despair. Rather than just accept it’s a crap day/week and that I feel a bit low I find myself feeling like I want to run away from it all.

@gdmpmtpp it is always worse when DH is at work as the day seems so long with no other adult interaction. Also fully get that you don’t think he would fully understand how you could feel that low etc.

I second what others say about getting enough sleep( or as much as you possibly can with a young baby) does DH share the load overnight so you can get some rest? I always found myself going to bed early just to try and catch up but then felt guilty for then not getting an evening with DH.

Only other suggestion would be if you could get out each day even for a half hour walk just to get some fresh air. It can really break the day up and stop you going stir crazy in the same four walls.

It all sounded quite normal until you said you think about suicide, that isn't normal. Thinking about running away is a normal thought in highly sleep deprived and stressful moments but suicide, absolutely not. You need to speak to your health visitor

Yeah that's the part I worry about most, I do tend to be able to rationalise it and tell myself running away makes more sense. But then I feel terrible for thinking that as I'm so lucky to have her. I think that guilt makes me feel even worse.

@charley39 we will share a bit on the weekend eves, but I exclusively BF so there's not much he can do. I'm considering formula just to take off that load as I don't tend to express much (DD gets enough as her weight is good and I can hear her her gulping).

I actually walk a lot every day as she only really sleeps when in a sling , that's actually when I have most of these thoughts as I have time to think.

I do need more sleep, I'm just not quite sure how to get it. I'm sort of relying on it getting better with time...

@JenniferM1989 I have a GP appt on weds so will try to discuss it then. I don't want them to think DD is in any kind of danger (she's not) - weirdly I don't particularly resent her. I just think badly of myself and would rather take myself out of the situation

For those feeling the same, I really hope it gets better for you

I was like this very much when my DD was a newborn & sometimes I still am (shes nearly 2). I hid all these feelings because i felt like a bad mother for feeling them but they are normal for a new mother your full life has changed (not the suicidal thoughta but i have had them too & frequently). The best thing that happened to me is partner took me to docs came in with me and helped me tell the GP what I was feeling and after alot of crying infront of her, I felt so much relief just talking about how shit and depressed i felt!! Then HV came out and gave me support I needed and now i'm on meds for anxiety and depression to stop me from going down a spiral everytime we have a bad day! Always remember you are not a bad mum your a great mum & that noone will judge you for the way your feeling when such a massive changes has happened xx

I'd say no, although it is common. I had postnatal depression and similar symptoms. I'd speak to your GP and get some advice

Hit post too soon. The sooner you get help with PND the better. I started medication at 6 weeks so only two weeks before where you are now. It takes a while to kick in but then you get back on an even keel. After 6 months I came off the medication without any issues and haven't looked back (it's been almost exactly two years).

It's really good to talk about how you're feeling in real life and on here if you feel comfortable. But you don't have to feel like this, so it's really worth having a chat with a gp, health visitor or whoever you feel comfortable with.

@gdmpmtpp it is hard when you don’t have much support to give you a break. And it’s very difficult when they aren’t sleeping during the day, my DS was like that. Is your little ones reflux under control? Only asking because if she needs medication she may sleep better generally, my DS is sleeping better now his reflux is under control.

Would it help to do some activities ? I’ve found my best days are when I go to a baby sensory class or baby cinema.

My DS is formula fed. This was another source of guilt for me but I don’t know why because my advice to you would be to mix feed so you can have some help from your partner ! Having your partner help with this at night can make a difference. I really do find for me that sleep is the biggest cause of these feelings.

I hope you get some support from the doctor. Sending hugs xx

I just want to echo what pp said about being careful that it doesn't develop into PND.
My partner works away from home so isn't home during the week. Our baby had colic and would cry non stop for 3-4 hours every evening, then would wake every 2 hours at night for a feed. I felt like I was failing the baby even though I was doing my best for him.
When he turned 3 months, the colic eased off. I started spoon feeding and he settled and started sleeping through the night.
Baby was better than ever and I was getting a full night sleep but somehow I felt worse than ever.
After a month I went to my gp, I felt so guilty sitting there with my perfect well behaved baby in my arms and telling the doctor how I felt and that I thought I had PND. But there was no judgement and he prescribed me an anti depressant. It has been amazing and has probably saved my life.

Is the GP happy to prescribe meds or do they try to do that as a last resort? Would I be referred to my HV first? I don't want to make it into.a big deal and would rather my partner not know unless he absolutely had to.

He came home last night and was really helpful, DD woke up at midnight and couldn't be put down without waking up and crying, so we did shifts all night, even though he has work today.

I did used to do a lot of activities with her, but when the reflux/constipation was bad, she seemed so unhappy and preferred just being at home and doing the long walks in the sling. I do have a couple of things I pre booked coming up (baby massage etc) and now that she seems a bit better, hopefully she and I will enjoy them more.

My gp said the fastest way out of it would be an antidepressant so that was the first step for him. I don't think he has told the HV or anyone else.
It's been a month now and I'm going to go back this week and ask to be referred for counselling aswell. I'm so much better with the anti depressants but feel that I need someone that won't judge me to talk to as well.

I had/have pnd and experienced much of what you described. I was terrified about seeking help in case SS took my babies away, and struggled on until my DTs were 8 months and I had a plan forwards in case they took my babies.

I put myself through months of mental hell purely due to fear. My dr prescribed me ads, saw me every couple of weeks until we got the dosage right, and within a couple of weeks of taking the ads it’s like the world turned in to colour. No SS involvement, I’d taken the babies with me to my dr’s appointment and she said she can clearly see they’re happy, healthy and loved and I was a good Mum which so helped me feel less scared and reassured.

My dr didn’t share it with the hv, but I did. Good luck with your appointment!

Your doctor or HV can refer you for counselling but I think they’ll give you some medication. Hope things get better for you xx

I went to the docs today, DD behaved impeccably.

I cried and we discussed how tired I am and don't have a huge amount of support. Doctor was very sympathetic but just said it would get better and to try to get more support. She didn't probe into mental health etc and I didn't feel comfortable mentioning it after I had cried whilst seeming to have a very well behaved baby

Having a newborn is so so hard! Don't feel ashamed about needing to ask for help. I was feeling really low, I got an emergency doctors appointment with the out of hours doctor that evening and they prescribed me setraline there and then. But, as hard as it is, you have to open up to them and explain how you're feeling.

However, tablets aren't an immediate solution, unfortunately - setraline (which I think is the go to one if you're BF) generally takes 2 weeks to make an impact and it can sometimes get worse before it gets better.

I had DH give a bottle at 8pm so I could get 3 hours of unbroken sleep between 7 and 10.

It will get better, I found that it was the not being able to know when was the hardest part. Mine got easier from 9 weeks.