Should I feel this low?

[gdmpmtpp]

I have a 2 month old baby. I would firstly like to say I love her to bits, but I am at times finding parenting so hard. She is very needy, wants to be on me all the time, has suffered from reflux and constipation etc. However I am very aware that this is pretty normal.

My worry is that when I'm happy everything is fine, but when it gets tough, I feel my mood spiral. I consider leaving my partner, running away, even suicide. But as soon as she's happy again, I feel none of those things and can't understand how I got that low.

Is this normal?

Just want to say that how you are feeling is completely completely normal it is so so hard having a new baby and especially a very needy one without much family help. Lack of sleep will definitely be playing a role. Please don't feel guilty or beat yourself up for having dark thoughts. They're only thoughts and you clearly aren't going to act on them. Personally I don't think what you describe sounds like you need antidepressants it sounds like you need a bit more sleep and maybe to hang out with some other mums a bit more. Perhaps have a chat with the HV about someone to talk to about how you're feeling - GPS aren't the best. You don't need a big "mental health" diagnosis to be able to access some support in what is a very difficult time for many women. You're right, lots of people don't get it because they just see a lovely baby and someone who appears to be coping most of the time. But you aren't alone

Hello, first time mum here and I also work in mental health services so see both sides of it. It sounds like you are experiencing intrusive thoughts which whilst can be common, they are extremely distressing as I imagine you already know! It is important to seek help as they can become more intense and the sleep deprevation side of things is horrendous (speaking from experience where I would be in floods of tears all day and feeling like I couldn't cope). Some areas have single point of access teams who you can self refer to and they triage to appropriate services and others have online self referrals to mental health services and therapy, as it's important you don't just bottle up the thoughts. I know you aren't keen on telling your partner but sometimes just expressing how you are feeling can lift a bit of that weight you are carrying and you could look at solutions together.
With the reflux and constipation have you considered cutting dairy out of your diet? I did it for my daughters eczema and when I tried to introduce it back to my diet as suggested by dieticians, she went back to being very unsettled, screaming, only settling when held and generally unhappy for a few days after I ate some dairy.

I hope you begin to feel better soon and if you have any questions I'm here

Upthread, you mentioned walking a lot with baby and it's at those times the bad thoughts occur. Can I make a suggestion, if you haven't tried it already? Download some podcasts or audiobooks. Try and find something really interesting that you're in the mood to listen to/concentrate on. It might just drown out those bad thoughts and give you something positive to think about. It works for me at night in bed when I'm overthinking and anxious.

also don't beat yourself up so much. You only have to spend a couple of weeks on mumsnet to see that loads of mothers struggle, think of running away, think their kids will be better off without them, then feel guilty etc. It's pretty normal. Loads of mums reply saying it gets better.

Try and reprogram your mind and accept those feelings for what they are: say you yourself "yes, I'm having a tough day, DD is hard work today and yeah, so what if I'm thinking back to how easy my life was before her, doesn't mean I don't love her. I'm not a bad person for that". There's no need to feel guilty about it, it'll just spiral those bad feelings and add to the negativity.

But promise us that if it carries on and you start to struggle any more with the suicidal thoughts, you will speak to somebody. Xxx

Thank you so much for the most recent responses, they are really helpful and do make me feel better.
I think a particularly difficult part is the clingyness and having literally no time to myself. During the day she'll only sleep on me, and when she's happy I can pop her in her bouncy chair for around 10 mins max... in that time I run around like a looney trying to make food/wee/shower/tidy up etc etc

In the eve, she tends to get the witching hours and only I seem to be able to settle her. My DH will happily take her off me, but she tends to cry after about 10-20 mins and only feeding or constant bouncing will placate her. She's not keen on bottle so again it tends to fall to me to keep her happy / get her to sleep.

I literally feel like she's on me all day.. which is fine for the most part, but by the evening I'm finding the relentlessness tough. I am trying to listen to more podcasts to block out negative thoughts.

I feel for you. It's just so lonely, isn't it? And if you are an overthinker there's so much time in the day for your mind to go to dark places. I was exactly the same with my first, and I had loads of family support, a supportive husband and a fairly easy-going newborn. Just felt tearful all the time, frustrated, anxious, resentful...such a tough period in my life. It got better as my baby interacted more and started to sleep a bit better. I have a 3 month old now and it's so much easier this time round. It just feels like groundhog day with no.1 and like you will never have your life back ever again.

I agree with others that the suicidal stuff is a bit of a suggestion that it might be more than just tiredness. The GP really missed a trick on not engaging with you about your mental health. Thats really disappointing on their part. Would you consider going back in a week or so?

Keep talking if it helps.

Also as everyone else says a colicky baby and severe sleep depression will make any human being feel emotionally unstable. Give yourself a break- modern motherhood is impossible...mothers stuck at home alone with their babies is a ridiculous concept. We should be living a much more communal existence where some kindly tribal elder has offered to cuddle your baby for 3 or 4 hours so you can have a proper rest...not having to put them in a bouncer so you can get dinner ready.

Rant over

Feeling particularly low this morning, but it's after my first night alone with DD and she didn't sleep well at all, so I guess that's to be expected. I'm starting to feel a bit panicky that we won't get into a good bedtime routine. I try so hard, but every night is a challenge and most of the time she'll only sleep for more than 45 mins if she's on me. I'm exhausted.

Sorry you're feeling so low today OP. No wonder you feel that way after a bad night. Be gentle with yourself.

Do you think your baby might have reflux? Reflux babies often struggle to sleep on their backs. If you're concerned go back to the GP. Ranitidine is the best option if that's the case.

Otherwise I would say that congratulations - you are almost at the end of the typical colic period which usually eases off after 12 weeks. You are being pushed to your limits but things will change.

Don't stress about a "routine" - my experience is that most babies who are in a routine at this age just naturally fall into one. The parents might think they've done something clever but then they have another baby and realise it was more about their baby than them. Most 2 month old babies do not have a bedtime routine. This doesn't mean they won't have one in a few months time. Go with the flow. You're still in the 4th trimester where your baby wants to be with you.

Have you read up on safe co-sleeping? There are lots of tips for making it safe (no duvet, no partner in the bed, position for mother to lie etc) and it's much better than an exhausted mother.

Is there anyone who can watch the baby for an hour or so in the day so you can nap? You're doing brilliantly.

@diddlediddle thank you, your message really cheered me up :)

I've tried co-sleeping but DD likes to be on me as opposed to next to me.. however I might give this another go. She has also had issues with reflux previously and got gaviscon which does seem to have helped things.

I'm trying to stop feeding her to sleep (it's her fave thing and she can suckle for hours even when asleep), but I think that means that when she's put down, she's really aware that the boob has suddenly gone. If she's not feeding right before a sleep, it might help that transition to next to me crib.

Thank you for the reassurances! When I'm feeling more positive I can rationalize quite well, but when I'm over tired / emotional I just can't see past the immediate stress!

This bit is so hard OP. Glad you're feeling a bit brighter today. Mine enjoyed being swaddled fairly firmly at that age. Sounds like not feeding to sleep might help, worth a try although don't beat yourself up if it doesn't work. I promise you that before long you WILL be getting more sleep than you are now.

Ah glad it helped.

I'm sure this is a stupid question but have you been giving her a dummy to sleep with? That was a total lifesaver for me because otherwise mine would have suckled forever too. They are very soothing for babies with reflux. I'm sure you have tried. We did have to try a few brands before we found a good one.

Good luck tonight.

@diddlediddle I have tried around 6 types of dummy (was desperate for her to have one)) but she hates them - I've tried all the tips and tricks but she's not having any of it!

@RhubarbTea thank you

Oh rats ☹️