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Original poster

Parenting .... for introverts

35 replies

MaraScottie · 03/11/2019 02:29

Hi all you fellow introverts,
This thread was inspired by another active one about how difficult and relentless parenting can be. A couple of posters mentioned that they were introverts and founds aspects of parenting really hard as a result. Speaking as a typical introvert ....

  • I stay up rediculously late every night craving that quiet 'me' time. Hence perma-tired.
  • I am constantly planning ahead so I can grab that 10 minute coffee break, or making excuses to 'fold the washing' upstairs to get some alone time.
  • The constant talking and endless questions fry my brain.
  • I have used childcare/school pickup excuses to work a day a week from home, but it's mainly to recharge away from people.
  • The 5am starts when the kids were babies used to kill me. I despise waking up and having to talk or interact straight away. Give me just 7 mins in bed with a coffee and I can then be 'on'.

Can anyone else relate?

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DramaAlpaca · 03/11/2019 02:35

Yup, absolutely. My DC are grown up now, but I completely get what you are saying. I found parenting little ones exhausting, because it was so hard to get the quiet space I needed. And I'm a night owl, so early mornings used to kill me.

Right now, I'm trying to chill before I go to bed, but my 22 year old keeps wanting to come and chat. At least he's old enough now for me to tell him, in the nicest possible way, to go away & leave me alone Grin

Original poster
MaraScottie · 03/11/2019 02:40

Night owl here too!

I also remember when my first born was a baby, and you know the relentless feeding, holding, winding during those early weeks ... I was so touched-out I was going mad.

My poor cat came over looking for a rub one evening and I could barely look at her. I had literally nothing left to give Blush

OP posts:
DramaAlpaca · 03/11/2019 02:54

I hear you on the getting touched out thing.

I don't have small children any more, but I do have two dogs who want to be with me all the bloody time. I wish they'd attach themselves to DH or DS, but no - they want to be with me, even though I'm a cat person. I often say, when they are following me around, that I feel like I have 10 legs not just two. It's like having toddlers again.

Don't get me wrong, I love my dogs (and I adored my toddlers when I had them) but I sometimes wish they were like the cat, who just wants a quick bit of attention & then goes off again to do his own thing.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
MrsMaow · 03/11/2019 20:04

I’m an introvert too.

People keep telling me I should try to get out at least once every day with my 11 month old, go to groups, try to meet other mums for chats etc - umm no thanks.

I also really struggle to keep talking to my baby all day long - I know it’s so good for her speech development so I try my hardest but there’s only so much I can think to talk about and a lot of the time I just end up counting or saying the alphabet over and over just to be saying something.

I adore my baby, I really really do, but due to this and also my back pain condition which means sometimes, a lot of the time really, I really just want to sit still and in silence. Sometimes when she wakes up from her nap all I do is look forward to her next one. (And then when she is napping I miss her like crazy and am tempted to wake her up as I am also a walking sitting contradiction)

NoNewsisGood · 03/11/2019 20:09

I'm a total extrovert but....this is just parenting, no? It is relentless. Relentless for everyone, doesn't matter what your feelings are on others. It is non-stop, constant compromise and barely being left alone, ever. Tiring physically and emotionally for anyone involved.

AlexanderSalamander · 04/11/2019 00:04

@NoNewsisGood as an extrovert, you really wouldn't understand how we introverts feel and what is being discussed here.
Yes, it IS parenting and everyone will get through and cope in their own way and our children will never go unloved, but that doesn't invalidate how we can feel sometimes and it doesn't mean that we can't have a chat about it with other mums who feel the same way?

NoNewsisGood · 04/11/2019 08:35

I live with an introvert, so I do have a very clear picture of what it is like. That is why I used to having many discussions like this in real life. Too much is put sometimes on 'introverted' or 'extroverted' behaviour/feelings and not enough on just 'human' behaviour/feelings. Most people feel like you have described about parenting. Hard to say I don't feel exactly how you feel. How do you know? And if we do feel the same, does that make me an introvert or you an extrovert? There is nothing concrete that says all 'introverts or extroverts' feel the same. But, there are plenty who attribute their behaviour to these two personality traits that have been so highlighted over the past couple of years. Be careful not to make excuses for yourself but also for others you know.

Parenting is relentless for all, it doesn't mean your extroverted friends/partners are coping any better than you. No one likes to be at someone else's beck and call day in day out, no one likes to be touched constantly or at someone else's decision. No one likes to have to talk to a small child all the time as they are mostly not that interesting. Vast majority of people prefer to have control over what they want to do and when they want to do it. Parenting doesn't fit with that at all.

Right, I'm off as no doubt I'm a terrible extrovert who doesn't understand and is not listening properly as I have the radio on to make some noise.

LacedCocoa · 04/11/2019 21:51

Yes and yes, i hear you!! Absofkinlutely. Except the planing for me, planning my week or month gives me anxiety (the anticipation) so i'm more of a each day or 24hrs ahead.
The mental exhaustion i felt - especially when both my babes were under 4-5 was relentless, i was depressed and even contemplating how and why i'd live through feeling so burnt out alllll the time.
It got better when both kids slept through the night. (my youngest is hsp and didn't sleep through til just under last year. shes turning 5 next month. i literally had less than an hour or so to myself a day and you know that's nothing to recharge!) and when i realised that spending hours a day cleaning and doing chores was all trashed by end of the day was POINTLESS and painful keeping up.
Oh and that i don't actually need to talk to outside people unless i really wanted to, otherwise draining myself for the sake of "i really should" was no good for me.
I shouldn't need to say how much i LOVE being my kids mum. But since the BOTH started school couple months ago, and finally more free time. I live for the peaceful ME time on my time.
About 3 nights a week at least, i'll stay up til 3am just painting or netflix or reading or working or some other creative activity. Its definitely worth it for me!!!!!

SalrycLuxx · 04/11/2019 21:54

Hi guys! I’ve found my tribe :)

LacedCocoa · 04/11/2019 21:58

Its scientifically proven that extroverts and introverts DEAL, FEEL, COPE with things in life differently. Sure there is a general similar feeling in many cases but it's not the same. I mean if you REALLY don't understand AND YOU REALLY WANTED TO. YOU COULD RESEARCH IT FOR YOURSELF?!
Where did you read that the person who started the thread was making trying to make excuses for something?
Whether You see it or not, how about trying to accept that it is what is it for others even if you don't get it. Especially as nothing here is an attack or hurtful to you.

LacedCocoa · 04/11/2019 21:59

Clearly new to this. My above message is for NONEWSISGOODNEWS.

Stroller15 · 04/11/2019 22:04

I've been feeling like this for ages OP! I only recently put 2 and 2 together - as a strong introvert - that I don't get my usual recharge time I had pre-babies. I am very lucky that my dh understands and really put in effort to understand why I feel like I do sometimes. I get a few minutes alone each day and have a long bath each night so am very thankful for that - the rest of the time, I don't ever need to look for my 2DCs. They're right here Wink

DeadDoorpost · 04/11/2019 22:12

I'm already dreading when my kids come home wanting play dates. I didn't really enjoy them as a child. Thankfully DS is almost 2 and DD is 7 weeks so I have a while yet.
But I really struggle. I have PND as well and sometimes I just want a conversation with an adult but it's hard to start them and I don't really like socialising

Jaffacakebeast · 04/11/2019 22:17

The clubs, activities, parties, school yard chat, it’s all sooo much

raskolnikova · 04/11/2019 22:20

- I stay up ridiculously late every night craving that quiet 'me' time. Hence perma-tired.

This is me! My DD is still a baby and, to her credit, has always slept reasonably well, but sometimes I stay up so late at night just so I can have alone time.

TiceCream · 04/11/2019 22:23

I’m already worried that my lack of mum friends is negatively affecting DS. I’m happy to just potter round on our own but that’s probably not best for him. I’m not looking forward to play dates but I’m even more worried that he won’t get any. Because mums arrange play dates if they like the other mum and usually nobody likes me. I’ll be glad when he’s old enough to sort out his friendships for himself and just get dropped off at hobbies.

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 04/11/2019 22:31

DD is older now but I'm so thrilled she's an introvert too, even since she was a small child she has been very calm and would rather be read to or draw. Now we can spend hours just chilling out quietly in each others company.

A couple of my friends have children who are always on the go, always making a noise and rushing around, I don't think I would have coped very well parenting an extremely active child.

justilou1 · 04/11/2019 22:34

It gets so much better when they all go to school!!!

DramaAlpaca · 04/11/2019 22:38

It gets so much better when they all go to school!!!

Or leave home Grin

I tell you what though, now my older two have flown the nest I really miss the noise & chaos. I love it when they all come home.

witherwings · 04/11/2019 22:39

Ah, I so understand this. When mine were really little I was never ever alone except on my work commute. I relished that 40 minute journey. Now they are at school and I work from home, I am alone all day. It's fab! And then I can be switched on and have the energy when extrovert husband and kids come home.

didireallysaythat · 04/11/2019 22:41

The horror of soft play parties in acoustically awful industrial centres. I'm the mum sitting in the corner catching on on emails on my laptop as I really don't want to have talk to the other mums (I'm sure they are lovely but I don't know them)

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 04/11/2019 22:47

Ah yes, I always kept a book in my bag for when I was at the park/beach/soft play to avoid small talk. Nowadays i keep an audio book on my phone and listen to that if somewhere very noisy like Dds swimming galas far more relaxing than most music. At the minute I'm listening to Mythos read by Stephen Fry.

AlexanderSalamander · 04/11/2019 23:56

My eldest is 2y9m and I'm starting to worry about play dates and having other kids round. I never had friends come to my house when I was younger and hardly went to see other friends outside of school, so I worry that I'll be so out of my depth. I don't want my kids to miss out like I did though and I really don't want her to be introverted like me. I feel useless most of the time, especially in social situations as I'm pretty anti social (I don't believe I was socialized as a child!) and I get all embarrassed and clumsy. I don't want my kids to be like that. But I struggle taking them out sometimes. For some play groups type things, I enjoy taking my daughter but I really just want to be left alone by the other mums lol, just want my daughter to socialize, not me! My daughter does go to nursery though and my husband is amazing so I know he'll help me through the play dates etc. The rest of the time, I do get burnt out, but I love watching my daughter tear around the house haha. I'm glad that she's so different to me x

TheSubtleArt · 05/11/2019 15:05

Things I do as an introvert parent....

-invested in a brilliant 12 hour stay warm hot drink thermos. I make a strong latte before bed, and I then get to sit up in bed, first thing when all is quiet and start the day by myself
-build in non-contact / quiet time every evening where possible. Not so much a problem now my brood are older as they do homework by themselves / watch tv. Previously by 8pm all toys were away / low lighting throughout the house/ quiet activities and I tried to have a long soak in the bath
-never booking more than 1 coffee date or night out a week. When there are lots of friendship groups to keep up with, it can be so hard saying no, but using this as a guide in my mind has always given me the confidence I say a firm 'no thank you'

  • volunteer for things only at the last minute so that I don't procrastinate and talk myself out of things. I'm normally happy to help clearing up at events the kids have been involved with through school and clubs. Tidying up at the end often meant less stress, no clique-ey group dynamics to deal with, but still felt i was helping.
  • keep visits to friends with kids for playtime short by having a reason to go home (such as awaiting a delivery, collecting something, getting back for the dog etc and then moving the conversation on)
  • only invite kids friends back if they can play together without needing my intervention. Otherwise, I took them to the park where I didn't have to 'play'

These are some of the things that have saved my sanity. My DH totally understands and respects my need for alone time and is more than happy to accommodate it. In turn, I'm more than happy for him to go out for a pint in the evening and leave me in peace.

Don't feel guilty about putting your needs first- it's exhausting otherwise

squeekums · 09/11/2019 07:09

MY PEOPLE!!!
(From the comfort of own homes lmao)

Can relate to everything in this thread
Being touched out, stressed bout play dates, noisy friends, the expectations that when you have a kid it becomes kid = must be social
Dd is an only cos I know I wouldn't cope with 2.
Too much noise, too much action, double the play dates, what if another was an extrovert? Dd is like us, introvert, people tire her out. She will happily read, draw for hours on end. I've got friends with very active kids, I'm exhausted when I get home from their place, 24/7 I'd be rocking in a corner calling for the xanax