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Parenting

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Original poster

Am I expecting too much from my 2 year old?

31 replies

Clockticktock · 31/10/2019 10:11

I have a DS 2 years old and a baby, this morning the baby was on the floor as I had just changed his nappy.

DS then rolls a pumpkin to the baby, I think oh that's okay. Then he picked it up and dropped it on the babys chest.

I obviously run over, push DS out the way, shouted no and pick the baby up and go upstairs to check him over.

Baby is okay thank god so DS is screaming on the floor for a cuddle as hes upset hes in trouble.

I asked if hes ready to say sorry to the baby and he said no. I explained we need to be nice to him/pumpkins heavy/ could have hurt him etc. But still nothing so I tell him we're going upstairs and to come up when hes ready to say sorry.

So we've been having a stand off for over an hour, I left him to scream downstairs for a while then went down and asked if he was ready to say sorry now. Still no. Explained we cant play til he says sorry. I've now put him in his room crying and screaming with the stair gate on til he can say sorry to the baby.

But I not sure what my next move is now, am I being cruel? Hes usually good saying sorry to the baby but this time nothing. I'm so upset he could have actually seriously hurt him which is why I'm continuing with it I think.

But what if he never says it? Really dont know what to do but it's been over an hour now. Anyone have any ideas?

OP posts:

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LIZS · 31/10/2019 10:16

He probably won't really remember what he did wrong now, just that you are cross and baby cried. You really cannot expect a 2 yo to be aware of risk of hurting baby, they are impulsive and need supervision.

Herocomplex · 31/10/2019 10:21

Are you cross with him, or upset about the situation? The two year old cant fix this, he’s not in his room refusing to say sorry, he’s not capable of thinking in that way.

Get him down, reiterate how we all should take care of each other and enjoy your day.

Having a two year old and a baby is really hard work.

Coldhandscoldheart · 31/10/2019 10:26

As pp. I made this mistake in similar situations. Give him a cuddle & have a snack & a drink.

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SallyAnne89 · 31/10/2019 10:29

I just give a stern "no" remove from the situation "you don't do that it could hurt the baby" then give the opportunity to say sorry "will you say sorry to the baby" then move on to the next thing. They do not have the capacity for discipline beyond that at 2

Thistly · 31/10/2019 10:29

Yes, You are expecting too much of your 2 year old.

FrappeLatte · 31/10/2019 10:30

You pushed him out of the way? massive overreaction, sorry op. As pp have said, he doesn’t understand what he’s done wrong or why. Go and give him a cuddle.

PirateWeasel · 31/10/2019 10:30

I can see exactly what you're trying to achieve, OP, but perhaps PPs are right that two years old is too young to really get the concept of taking responsibility. But, genuinely curious as my DC is only 13 months, at what age would people say they could understand the concept?

Coldhandscoldheart · 31/10/2019 10:33

@PirateWeasel I don’t know, my now 3 yo gets it some of the time.
Op it’s really hard, they seem so big when you have a baby, but they’re still really little & will be feeling a bit pushed out likely, remember he had your undivided before the tiny incomes appeared.
Sympathies, like I say I made this mistake too, great if you can learn from my mistakes!

LifeBeginsNow · 31/10/2019 10:35

I think it takes quite a long time until they can start to understand what sorry is. Mine is 3.5 and does say it and has a good cry but I keep it short and move on quickly.
I can understand why you're upset as that is scary but I think you should ask him if he's ready to play X and move on.
The naughty step also worked for us at that age. I'm guessing not everyone is a fan but it would give you a chance to see to the other baby and calm the toddler down.

TwoPlugs · 31/10/2019 10:36

Same situation here, I have an almost 2.5 year old DS and a 6 week old so feel your pain. You're expecting too much from your DS but that's because you're probably a bit angry and a bit upset.
If my DS does anything like that (which he does, every day!) he is told no and we explain why he mustn't do it. Sometimes I explain that if he says sorry it will make somebody feel better, but I don't expect him to. It's more important to me that he understands that what he's done is wrong. Sorry will come, in time. He's still young.
Also, at the moment you're teaching your DS that saying sorry is a punishment. Have cuddle and a chat when you're feeling calmer and make up. He's got a lot to deal with at the moment!

Greedytiger · 31/10/2019 10:37

How old is he? I know you said 2 but there is a big difference between a just turned 2 year old and an almost 3 year old.

My DS was 3 last week and for a few months now he has been able to recognise when he does something wrong and say sorry. He usually says it unprompted. I wouldn’t have expected this before 2.5 though.

sue51 · 31/10/2019 10:38

A 2 year old would not understand why you're so cross. An hour is way too long to leave him to scream and cry and he has probably forgotten the pumpkin incident. Give him a hig and make up now.

Wildorchidz · 31/10/2019 10:39

You should not be leaving a toddler upstairs or downstairs alone imo. Especially one who is screaming and crying and asking for cuddles.

fernandoanddenise · 31/10/2019 10:40

Yes. You are expecting too much. When your baby is the same age as the toddler you will marvel at how much you expected. You don’t need to do anything now except have a cuddle and get on with the day.
I really regret how I was with my 2 year old when his DS was born. I was so hard. Tired. Overwhelmed. Convinced I was doing everything wrong.

SleepingStandingUp · 31/10/2019 10:40

You pushed him out of the way and run upstairs with the baby, leaving him crying. That's in his head more than he picked the pumpkin up and dropped it on the baby.

Why didn't you check baby out downstairs rather than leaving a 2 Yr old for an hour unattended?

I think you're understandably upset, and rea Ted with panic Re pushing the 2 Yr old but you needed to calm down, say sorry for pushing him, explain why you were upset and then ask him to say sorry to baby for accidentally hurting him

AtrociousCircumstance · 31/10/2019 10:45

He’s too young at two to understand why he’s been abandoned by you.

I can understand you are furious and it must have been terrifying seeing him drop the pumpkin on the baby like that. Unfortunately you just need to be more vigilant about what’s within reach for him when you leave them alone together.

Punishment and abandonment he doesn’t understand will stoke the fires of his anger towards his baby sibling. It will make their relationship worse.

It is so hard having a toddler and a baby though I know - sounds like you’re doing your best and we’re deeply shocked. Cuddles and chats for now.

SallyAnne89 · 31/10/2019 10:50

Somewhere between 3-5 years they are aware that they are doing something wrong and remember what it is and can take a level of responsibility which is why that's optimum "time out" time. Between 5-7 they start to internally moralise it, so they don't just have their parents voice telling them it's wrong, they now understand that it was wrong in their own right.

Unless they are a sociopath/psychopath/have a serious NPD in which case they will never be able to internally moralise it, it will always just be somebody else's voice (parents, society, family, etc.) telling them its wrong

Original poster

Clockticktock · 31/10/2019 10:52

Thanks for the replies, we had a cuddle and he helped me make a snack. I felt awful seeing his sad little face but in the moment his screaming makes me feel so angry. I need a book or something, I feel like I'm failing at this and I'm gonna fuck him up

OP posts:

AtrociousCircumstance · 31/10/2019 10:59

Don’t give yourself a hard time OP - parenting two under two is VERY hard. You’re doing your best and you had the intuition to seek help here. This has been a learning experience and we all fuck yo when we are overwhelmed and exhausted. Deep breaths and

SallyAnne89 · 31/10/2019 11:00

@Clockticktock

We have all been there. I think on any given day I feel angry at something my toddler does. I try to go in another room, take some deep breaths and put my "teacher" head on which is like parent mode plus enthusiasm plus imagining I could get fired if I handle it wrong?!

About once a week I shout at my toddler. Because I'm human and he does something truly terrible, I'm caught off guard, etc. I have stopped beating myself up, and instead just go "that was very naughty, but Mummy shouldn't have shouted like that either" and we make up and move on. Then I go away and think of ways to make sure it doesn't get to shouting again.

But the work I'm doing as a parent is more on working out how to handle my own shit so I don't get to shouting, not on changing my toddler IYSWIM. I think the really great parents are the ones who can tap into a calm river running through their soul which I'm not even sure is within me at all. I'm not a peaceful zen person, I'm loud and passionate and sometimes that looks like enthusiasm and sometimes it looks like cross. But I'm trying to be kinder, more patient, more gentle. Not everybody is made that way, but we can all do what we can.

I think Most parents lose their temper occasionally, but it's important to realise that. So that you can try and improve on your reactions.

Please anybody who doesn't, can you tell me how to find my inner river of calm? And yes I have tried to meditate. I do it every day

nocutsnobuttsnococonuts · 31/10/2019 11:00

in honesty yes you are expecting too much.

why do you want him to say sorry? even if he says it he's not going to understand why he's saying it. he needs to know why we apologise not just say a word like it fixes all wrongdoings.

I doubt very much he intended to hurt the baby, and right now is probably scared and upset you ran off and left him, then shut him in his room. you should have let him see you checking baby, cuddling and reassuring and saying things like "I'm sorry ds dropped pumpkin on you" that way you are modelling saying sorry without the pressure on ds. then once baby and you had calmed down have a calm conversation about being kind to our family and baby is small you need to help look after them.

so put baby down and give ds a cuddle and reassure him you love him and once he's calmed down talk about caring about each other (not bring up the pumpkin) just being gentle with baby etc.

btw I know sometimes this is easier said than done and in the heat of the moment it's very different.

shreddednips · 31/10/2019 11:01

You're not failing and you won't fuck him up. You did what you thought was right at the time, I agree with PP that in hindsight it wasn't the right thing but you know that now. In my experience parenting involves sometimes not making the right call and trying something different next time, it's a constant learning curve. I try my best but I sometimes regret the way I have approached certain situations later even though I thought it was right at the time. I'm sure most parents feel the same.

He will probably need a bit of TLC and plenty of mummy cuddles and I expect he will soon feel better. PP have made lots of good suggestions about how to handle this in future.

nocutsnobuttsnococonuts · 31/10/2019 11:10

I've just seen your next message, there were times with my dd1 I felt like I was failing, she would go from happy to screaming tantrum in 5 seconds with no obvious cause, still can now at 10. and yes sometimes I didn't handle it perfectly. but she's coming up to 11 now and still has a short fuse. now I tend to ignore the screaming and let her calm down, then she will apologise on her own. Hunger, tiredness, too much technology or coming down with something always makes it worse!

I've done lots of courses on early years behaviour (I work in a preschool) and I realise now that sometimes I didn't handle things perfectly with my dds and wish I'd done things differently. But they are kind, their teachers tell me they are helpful and always making sure their friends are included, work well with others. so I can't have failed that badly!!

yellowallpaper · 31/10/2019 11:11

I think you just need a better understanding of the level of a 2 year old, and that will help you switch from the mindset that he is an adult in a tiny body, with adult emotions. A 2 year old will honestly not have the emotional development to realise a pumpkin is heavy and will hurt a baby. They haven't developed true empathy yet, but it will come. Don't worry you are doing a great job, and there isn't a mum alive who hasn't made a mistake

FrappeLatte · 31/10/2019 11:17

Don’t be so hard on yourself OP it is tough and you can only learn from experience, a book won’t help. Try to have a nice afternoon with your two lovely children.

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