7 month old baby, working full time & exhaustion

[DragonOnFire]

Starting to feel like I'm not coping and I'm sure this must be talked to death on here, but please tell me how to deal with exhaustion caused by a young baby that doesn't sleep through whilst working F/T?

I work full time and have a fairly lengthy commute of at least 2 hours a day, up to 3 hours a day in bad weather (lengthy in my eyes). My DH also works full time and has a similar commute, we separate our commutes up so that we can split the drop off & pick ups for our 7 month old DS at nursery. DS goes to nursery around 8.30am (after he has a short nap, and when traffic calms down for our commute) until 5.45 (6pm deadline!). Our work is flexible and we can sometimes work at home if planned ahead for an emergency but this is our usual timetable.
I'm still breastfeeding at night, but have reduced daytime expression at work to once a day, sometimes nothing, which has saved me time at work. However, I find that my evenings are just non-existent. I get in around 6.30-7pm and usually find DH has got DS into a nap on his shoulder but can't put him down until I get home and feed him to sleep. This means DH can't do other chores like washing or checking DS' change bag from nursery. As soon as I'm back it's my turn to get baby to sleep, and DH sorts himself some dinner. My evenings are spent dragging myself up & down the stairs trying to settle DS, whilst trying to grab some dinner of some sort (usually reheated batch cooking from the weekend). I find I can't relax and if i do get to sit on the sofa, I get about 20 minutes of TV max.
DS still does not sleep through and will be unsettled around 10-11pm for a dream feed, then might usually wake at 2am and 4am before he gets up at 6am. I used to co-sleep but he's getting a bit big and we're ready to get him sleeping more frequently in his own cot in his own room. DH will take one of the nighttime wakings but I'll usually be disturbed at least 2x a night for dream feeds. Because of this I go to bed around 8.30pm to get enough sleep to function at work.
I struggle to even find time to shower & blow dry my hair to look presentable for work.
I've found my weekday diet can be really basic & repetitive and has to be planned & prepped ahead. My brain just can't handle processing any thoughts after 7pm when I get in.
In fact, my memory is just about clinging on, but some days I can barely hold onto a thought & get clumsy, I trip over my feet at work.

I knew this would be tough, but I just can't seem to get any respite. Every working week is like treading water, waiting for the one weekend day where we tag team a lie in.
My son is amazing and I love spending time with him, but I'm starting to feel overwhelmed by a lack of my own time. Weekends just seem to be catching up with life admin and household tasks.

We rely on both our wages and going part time isn't an option for either of us at the moment. We get groceries delivered but even the planning of what food we will eat feels like an enormously draining cognitive task.

Oh you poor thing. That all sounds so hard, in fact impossible... do you have to work full time? Its sounds unmanageable to me. I have a 7month old and there is NO WAY I could manage to work full time.

Do you think going back to co sleeping would help you get more rest? As in you dont have to actually get up to feed (feed laying down).

Do you plan to continue breastfeeding? If you do I'm concerned your supply may be in danger given you're only expressing once a day now.

I really feel for you, I'm so sorry you've got so much to handle.

Wow, that sounds incredibly tough. I work full time with a 4 hour daily commute (there and back). The difference was I delayed going back from 7 months to 10 months and in that time I weaned to bottles and night feeds and baby started sleeping through. My childminder is a short walk away (on the way to the station, so no driving). We got a cleaner too because we couldn't cope.

Can you extend your mortgage to reduce monthly payments or cut down on bills like sky and mobiles to mean that one of you can drop to 4 days? That extra day may mean catching up on things.

This suggestion isn't really about the bigger picture, which I think you need to review generally as it sounds unsustainable:Do you have a sling to try and have the baby nap and your dhs arms free to fold washing?

Oh yes a sling!!! Great idea!!

It's not just working full time that's the problem, it's the punishing commute.

Do you have the kind of jobs that could accommodate working from home 1 or 2 days a week?

Longer term solution rather than immediate fix, but could you reduce the commute by changing jobs or relocating?

You say neither of you can afford to go part time - have you taken a good thorough look at the finances? Are you using the tax free childcare scheme and could you cut back on anything? Mortgage and debt repayments could be renegotiated (if you have the latter seek advice from a debt charity), and shopping around for energy can make a big difference.

As for the sleep deprivation - yes, it's brutal. I breastfed and went back to work part-time when DS was 8 months, that was bad enough. He was a terrible sleeper and we ended up sleep training him, which I resisted for a long time, but when we finally did it at 10 months, it saved our sanity.

Is he weaning yet? Could DH feed him dinner before you're home or something? Even a pouch in the evening (some aren't filled with junk) for ease? Or does he eat at nursery? It's really hard, I left my job to get a (not so good) job closer to home; money probably levelled out as I wasn't spending so much time or money travelling. I know it's not an ideal or possibly even realistic solution, but it might be worth keeping an eye out.

PS If you are considering asking your employer for any changes (eg part-time and/or some WFH) here is some info about flexible working (with links to more info about how to make a request)
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/work/rights-at-work/flexible-working/flexible-working-what-is-it/

That sounds so tough OP, no wonder you are so tired. It is exhausting having a young baby who doesn’t sleep well.

The only suggestions I could make is to hire a cleaner so you can have a weekend. Consider going part time for a while or ideally getting a job closer to home. Weekends you could perhaps batch cook, filling up the freezer to help you have quick nutritional meals in the week. Dry shampoo is a life saver when you just don’t have time to wash & dry your hair.

I take my hat off to you, no way could I ever do what you are doing, I massively reduced my hours when I returned from mat leave.

Good luck.

The full time isn't the problem, DH and I are both full time and I returned to work similar to you, it's that commute. Ours are no more then 30 mins each way and I truly couldn't manage more with a child.
Are you stuck in a role that has to be that distance? Is WFH an option a day a week? compressed hours into 4 longer days?

Nursery bag - is there an option to leave a pack of nappies at nursery? we did this and was fab, they just let us know when they were getting low. If not - on a weekend make 5 piles of 5 nappies, 2 outfit changes etc, empty bag and replace daily, no need to check and count.

A Cleaner - I know it's thrown about on here but honestly, you work full time to make your lives easier in the long run, and a cleaner will assist with this.

It is hard, I did it as single parent from 5 months. No idea how I did it. But the mortgage had to be paid. It seems a blur now but it does get better.

Gosh, I felt exhausted just reading your post!
It's too much OP - something has to give surely? It's like a never ending treadmill. You can't carry on like this. Is this 5 days a week? I echo others about getting a cleaner if you can afford it.Your childcare cost must be extortionate if this is 5 days a week. I really feel for you (Not in a patronising way)

The commutes are bad. Can either of you compress ft hours into four days? Or work from home a day a week? Or a combination of both?
Working from home would buy you so much time!

Also, what happens in the morning and is it dead time? If your baby is up early anyway could one of you get to work super early and so come back early? On some days?

I don't know how your coping, it sounds really hard!

Can you afford to even cut down 1 hour of work a day? I think now is time to try cut out some of the night feeds, feeding every 2 hours at that age doesn't seem necessary?

Many 7 month olds need 2 hourly feeding still. I dont think you can cut them out, sorry.

I don’t have any practical baby related advise, other than if DH is seemingly using settling baby asleep on his shoulder as a reason to duck out of housework tasks then a sling is in order!

Something that really sticks out here, is the fact that you and DH don’t seem to be sharing the evening roles fairly. Why does your DH get to make only his supper, and seemingly eat it in peace while you’re settling little one into bed, trying to make and eat something and then dragging yourself up and down the stairs repeatedly until you collapse into bed before the monotony of the night feeds?

It’s not a criticism, it just strikes me as odd... Unless of course there’s some sort of backstory ie you’re an omnivore and he’s vegan and refuses to cook meat for instance, then I don’t see why he can’t just cook supper for both of you.

I thought that too.
When I was still breastfeeding and DS took ages to feed and settle, DH did most/all of the household chores.
In many ways I miss it

Wow, this does sound very hard. I think it's important to remember it won't always be this way, DS won't be 7months and waking up at night forever.
I know you've said you rely on both wages but honestly, I don't see how you can carry on like this. Could you look at reducing outgoings, even temporarily until DS is a bit older to enable you to work a little less. Or negotiate a permanent WFH day each per week?
Also yes to a cleaner, changed my life no longer having to spend weekends on housework.

Thank you so much to everyone for your kind messages and thoughts.
I really wanted to know if people felt my current situation was manageable and I was just feeling sorry for myself, it's good to know that actually our situation is outside the norm and I'm not moaning about nothing.
As far as comments about support from DH, I think you've hit the nail on the head. I had originally included a bit more of a moan about him but wanted to get opinions on my actually actual timetable of FT work with commuting life.
Obviously our partnership as parents impacts how well we are able to cope with this lifestyle and yes I will say that DH doesn't always help in the way that I need him to.
We do tend to eat separately at times. He likes beige food from the freezer whereas I try to eat more healthily, hence my weekend batch cooking. We do have some meals that we eat together but he needs prior instructions for that, and my brain fog doesn't help me manage him. I've recently bought a weekly planner on a white board which is helpful because we've got some meals planned ahead and he knows what to do.
Last night I could have flipped at him if it wouldn't have woken the baby. I got in at 7pm, find him with DS on his shoulders, saying he 'couldn't put him down'. So I say ok I'll take him up & dream feed him. DH takes DS upstairs ahead of me and lo, DS goes down in his cot without my dream feed and it's fine. Except DS wakes an hour later because he's hungry- he hasn't eaten since his tea at nursery. I spend the next 90 minutes trying to settle DS whilst I feed him lying down, I end up falling asleep and DH comes up at 9.30 to tell me he's been sleeping in the sofa and wants his bed. No offer to move DS to the cot, and when I ask when his nappy was last changed, turned out it was still one from nursery. Could have killed DH.
In answer to other questions:
I've been back at work since DS was 16 weeks, DH got full pay until 26 weeks so we switched parental leave. During this time, DS stopped taking bottles of expressed milk, and switched to night feeding. This was before weaning, so I felt it best to keep feeding DS on demand, at night, so it's a habit that has probably stuck from that time. DS started nursery after that, and is weaning well but still takes his milk at night.
My supply is fine, I had a bit of over supply when I expressed at work too often so cutting it down has been better for me & I've stopped filling the freezer.
In terms of finances, we don't have debt other than mortgage and 2 cars, but our outgoings require more than 1 salary. We do use tax free childcare and the bill comes to more than our mortgage but we have a bit of money left over to cover other expenses. Current expenditure will be a repair to DH's car plus the usual Christmas shopping.
We're not crazy spenders, and don't go out often.
I've raised the issue about getting a cleaner but DH's answer had been that we don't need one, followed by if you want one you organise it.
This gets me onto the mental load that definitely falls hard on my shoulders. I keep on top of our joint account, household bills, childcare account. It's clear that I need DH to step up and help out with anything from the household management, to cooking. I feel like he's been a bit of a freeloader lately but doesnt take criticism/advice well, at least not from me. It always ends up in a defensive row where he tells me that either he's doing more than I think, or that I'm also not pulling my weight on some areas. He hates doing the washing up and if I leave it he starts to get grumpy that he's had to do more than what he feels is his fair share. Let's just say that being supportive of me while a breastfeed didn't come naturally to him. I could go on to explain that I think his mother mollycoddled him until he was 26 and finally moved out but that's a whole other post. He is progressing from that situation, slowly.

Your DH isn’t doing enough. If you are doing all the night feeds he should be doing all the pick ups and drop offs and laundry etc, you shouldn’t be sharing those chores

Why are you trying to nap him so late? At 7 months and on solids you could probably stop all night feeds - we did at that age. Can you give carbs before bed too? How much sleep is he having at nursery?

I picked up DS from nursery tonight at 5.30, got him home, chandged into pyjamas with a nighttime nappy, she have given him a feed save got him down to sleep. By 6.30pm, he will likely wake around 10pm for a dream feed but will need settling at least one more time after that.
I don't understand how people magically get baby's that sleep through? My DS did manage 10pm till 6am last week and we have no idea how or why, except maybe he was getting a bit under the weather.
He's got a bit of a chesty cough this week which is probably adding to his poor sleep.
His naps at nursery are fine, usually two short naps (ltd than one hour) and then a long afternoon nap about 90 mins to 2 hours.

Oh OK. Based on your latest update, the problem is very obviously your DH. It's all too common and predictable sadly! Behind every woman on her knees is a selfish man who's not pulling his weight and gets defensive when she tries to address it

How do you commute? I was back at work full time with DS1 (became a single parent around then too) he didn't sleep through until 5. It was brutal I've no idea how I survived but I used to nap on the train into work and nap in the toilets on my lunch break.

I've got no real advice but it's horrible so I hope you manage something.

We did gentle sleep training with DS2 he doesn't sleep All the way through teething gets in the way of that but he only wakes once maybe twice and goes straight back to sleep

Thanks for letting me know the desire to nap at work isn't just me @mintypea5 I honestly am getting closer to finding somewhere to sleep in the day.
I drive to work as the distance from my place of work & local train station would mean walking through town that adds at least 30 minutes onto journey. I used to revel in this time and walked/cycled it as part of my daily exercise routine but now I drive because it's usually 2x quicker when traffic/weather is good.

So tonight having been able to get the baby down to sleep at 6.30, I've put washing away, hung up baby's clothes in his wardrobe, done the washing up, expressed milk and sterilised equipment ready for tomorrow, and put another load of washing in. This time yesterday, I trying to get DS to sleep and ended up falling asleep myself.
I've just been explaining to DH the difference between the routine that I've gone through with DS tonight & why I think it had worked better compared to last night. And guess what, DH's reply has been to tell me why what he does is fine (hold baby against him until he sleeps). I've suggested getting DS into pyjamas, night time nappy and then try a bottle feed to bed... But DH insists it isn't necessary.
So my next question- how do women get their partners to listen to them?
I don't want a screaming row, I just want him to understand that I feel like my routine has worked for the better -currently having down time on the sofa while DS I'd properly out for the count and DH is cooking dinner for the 2 of us. Compared to me getting in at 7 pm to a half asleep, half hungry baby in his nursery clothes, then spending my evening & rest of the night trying to get baby settled & sleeping. Whilst DH watches TV/naps in the sofa, oblivious to the fact that I need a rest at some point in the day 😣