Conflicting opinions from health visitor and grandparents causing me stress!

[Alicia870]

Feeling a bit stressed about how to approach my baby's milk intake as I'm getting completely opposite opinions from health visitor and her grandparents and childminder. I am keen to follow health visitor advice but I'm being met with a lot of disagreement from others. I know she's my child but it is really quite difficult to stand my ground with them. She's my first baby so I think they think I don't know what I'm doing. I know the advice from the nhs is grounded in research and evidence but her grandmas are so stuck in their ways.

DD is almost 13 months, and had been formula fed until she turned one when I switched to cows milk. I have been giving her two bottles am and pm of milk. My MIL thinks she should have more! I asked health visitor about this and she actually advised me to drop the morning bottle and replace it with a cup of milk. She said she's likely getting enough overall through her cereal, cheese and yoghurt. She said when she is 15 months she should be off bottles completely and taking her milk from a cup.

I was all keen to do this but when I told MIL and childminder they both rolled their eyes and said don't listen to that advice- that she needs comfort and it's fine to keep giving her a bottle. I tried to stand my ground and say I'm going to try it anyway but they made me feel bad saying she needs the nutrients from the milk etc. Still so frustrating as I'm trying to do the right thing, which may not be the the easiest option, but the right thing to do by my own child.

I did try no bottle this morning and tried her with the cup but she won't drink it. Just feel so confused about the whole thing!

I think there are 2 things here you need to separate - giving a bottle and the intake of milk/calcium.

Personally I’d be inclined to listen to a HV but they aren’t necessarily always right so you need to do what you feel is best for your baby.

Firstly, I think most dentists recommend weaning off a bottle at around the age of one. It’s not good for the teeth. Happy to be corrected if that isn’t the case though. It is more difficult to get them used to a cup and less comforting for them but they will have to learn at some point. When do you want the battle? Now or later when they are even more attached to a teat?

Secondly, do you think your little one is getting enough calcium? I think recommended daily amount is 700mg so try to work out if you’re roughly hitting that. If you are then you have some ammunition for the interferers. If not, add another milk drink or more cheese at a snack time.

Someone will always have an opinion on what you do for your child. Personally I would just ignore it. On the whole your MIL and childminder aren’t going to be the ones there when your baby needs comforting so you need to be confident with the decisions you’ve made.

I also struggle sometimes with given different kinds of advice for example when it comes to weaning. I always follow the pediatrician’s advice (unless it sounds utterly bollocks but so far it never has) since they are the ones who are the experts. And follow your instincts, what I read between the lines of your post is that you trust your HV, so I would take their advice.

Instead of saying "the Health Visitor says" say "I am/we are going to".
My in laws were the same. It's so patronising!
Does MIL do some childcare for you? She needs to be letting you make the decisions for your daughter, even if she is caring for her.

When I started to get my babies used to a cup I would mix the milk with some baby cereal to make a thicker liquid which they found easier to drink.

As long as your child has a varied, healthy diet, they don’t need more than a cup of milk in the morning and evening.

From 1 year 350mls is recommended or 2 portions of dairy if they dont want to drink lots of milk. Milk in cereal, in foods, etc count too. I did phase out the bottle around 1 year and then my lo's drank milk from a lidded cup.

You could try the Nuby spouted bottle/cup things as a transition away from a baby bottle. Start using a normal cup at other times of the day, at the table for lunch and dinner.

She needs about 12oz of milk and cups are better for her teeth than bottles. But you need to do what works for you.

Honestly I think they're both right (although DD never took a bottle so I'm not speaking from experience). Once they're over one, the ideal is to get them off the bottle and onto a cup as soon as possible for their teeth. But lots of people wait a bit longer because the bottle of milk is such a comfort, especially at bedtime.

Pick whatever you prefer. DD took a while to accept milk in a cup, we just kept offering, now she prefers it to water. Maybe try with the morning bottle first? Or move the evening one further away from bedtime if you're keen to drop it.

But don't overthink what advice you follow. Read the official guidelines and trust your instincts. Nod and smile with everyone else.

Btw, when I say the grandparents and childminder are right, I just mean that lots of people continue a bottle longer than 15 months without the sky falling. Not that you shouldn't follow the official guidelines if that's what you want.

Ideally bottles should be done by 12 months. Many carry on longer but in my experience(as a mum and nursery nurse) it is much easier to do it at a younger age, no tears and tantrums! My 3 dc went onto cows milk in cups morning and evening at 12 months.

Does she have water in a cup with her meals and throughout the day? Perhaps try giving her morning milk in the same sort of cup. My DS has one of the 360 cups for water, and a separate one in a different colour for milk.

I knew the bedtime bottle would be harder to stop so we got him used to having milk in his special milk cup earlier in the day before tackling the last bottle. For a few days with each change he didn't take much so I just made sure he got lots of calcium from other sources.

Both my kids had bottles of milk in the morning and bedtim euntil they went to nursery. It was a comfort thing and they wouldn't take it from a cup. Also had it warmed up. Their teeth are fine and one is 11 now.

Mine were both off bottles by 15m. Daytime by 13m and then I kept the bedtime one for a bit longer as it was convenient at the time (holiday, moving house, teething etc. basically anything to keep them sleeping reasonably well)

They don’t need a lot of milk if they’re eating a proper diet. Too much milk isn’t great for them either. In fact we have to restrict my 2year old DD milk to a cup in the morning, half a cup before nap and a cup at bedtime or she’d drink nothing but milk and not eat any solid food.

Lots of kids have bottles til they are quite old and have no issues, but usually the younger they are, the easier they give it up. It’s one less thing to wash and I don’t care if my kids have a cup of milk before bed (teeth brushed after) til they go to uni, so it’s not something that needs to be weaned off

The HV is right. Your toddler doesn't need bottles anymore and can have milk from a cup or beaker. Milk from bottles leaves the risk of rotting their front teeth because the teat keeps the milk at the front of the mouth. My DD is 14 months and she has milk on waking, milk before bed and milk in the afternoon from a beaker. This is whole cows milk of as much or as little as she likes.

I had the same with MIL because she basically wanted to baby DD and thought it was much nicer giving her a bottle than a beaker. I asked if she liked DDs teeth and thought it might be better if they werent rotting. I also packed the bottles away which helped send a strong message.

Your health visitor is right. Your baby should be off a bottle and on a cup. Calcium intake is not dependant on milk so there is no "required amount" Think cheese yogurt etc. She should be on family meals (salt and sugar free) and no milk at bedtime after brushing her teeth. You can and should be selective about choosing which advice to follow. I can understand the grandparents, but it is a little disconcerting the childminder is not aware of good practice. There is no need for comfort suckling, she can have hugs, cuddles and soft toys. If you think about the logic behind your health visitors advice it is good common sense. I am a grandparent of 10 and never give advice to my family unless I am directly asked a particular question. I am a retired health visitor and aware some of my working practice may be out of date. If you are not sure read a reputable NHS evidence based site. Look at the credentials of the authors and ignore looney blogs

Please dont put baby cereal in milk

I don't get why bottles are seen as bad - DS is 2.3, still has a bottle sometimes, because he's still bf. Surely it's natural for a toddler to still be breastfeeding (in an ideal world), so why is a bottle different?

I still give my 17 month old milk in a bottle first thing. We’ll probably phase it out in a few months, I’m not in a rush about that yet personally since it’s just one bottle. He drinks water from a cup the rest of the day. I don’t really know which the main issue is here - the bottle or the milk? If she’s having cheese and other dairy then what is the grandparent’s reason behind giving more milk? I would follow HV and your own research - you don’t seem to have much faith in what the GPs are saying (I wouldn’t either - my GM is convinced milk and potatoes have all the nutrition anyone needs because that’s what she was told as a child ) you seem more worried about having a fall out about it but that’s not a good enough reason to go against your instincts and scientific medical advice when it comes to your child’s welfare.

Surely it's natural for a toddler to still be breastfeeding (in an ideal world), so why is a bottle different?

Several practical reasons.

1. cows milk grows nasty bugs on bottles very easily and the way toddlers often tote bottles around for some time enables this
2. bottle-feeding damages teeth, sometimes very badly, in a way that breastfeeding doesn't
3. with breastfeeding a child can suckle for comfort and not take in any milk if full, whereas with a bottle they have to take the milk, so they can end up drinking too much.

I agree with your health visitor. IMO the longer the child has a bottle the harder it is to switch to a cup. I switched DD to a cup at 12 months and she never made a fuss at all. Other children who were kept on a bottle for longer were still using bottles at 3 or 4. This is just anectodal evidence not scientific data

The most important thing here is not whether your toddler has a bottle for a bit longer, but that you practise asserting yourself as her mum.

MIL can think and say whatever she wants but it doesn't need to have any bearing on how you parent. She may never agree with a single decision you make, so the sooner you can navigate that without self doubt, the easier time you will have.

Having a few stock phrases can help.

MIL: "No, xyz is the right way to do this"
You: "Yes, some people definitely choose to do things that way, but I've chosen this way. Thanks for your input though!". Then swiftly close the discussion down by changing the subject.

Go with what YOU feel is right.

Personally I'd persevere with a cup in the morning as she will have to get used to drinking out of a cup at some point. She's not taking it because it's new and she needs to get used to it.

As for her vitamins, as long as she's having a balanced meal and your hv thinks she's getting enough then that's fine.

My dd actually replaced her dummy with a bottle of milk which caused no end of issues trying to get her to drink out of a cup. You do what you think is right and tell your mil and Cm that's the way it's going to be

@CmdrCressidaDuck I've just asked DSis about it (she's a consultant paediatrician) - she says as long as correct hygiene is followed (which it is - DS won't take milk in a bottle once it's cold anyway so 15 mins max) then there's nothing wrong with it. She says she hears a lot of scaremongering that can actually result in insufficient calcium intake in young children. Apparently sweet liquids (milk included) all damage teeth and it makes no difference how said liquids are conveyed to teeth, whether by cup, breast or bottle. So the shape of the teat doesn't damage teeth any more than a cup.

Also, past 12 months DC don't tend to suckle on a bottle for comfort like little babies.

So from further research - there's nothing inherently wrong with bottles, so we will continue to use them for the odd feed till DS is weaned.

Having said all that - it's important to night-wean after 1 year to protect teeth (it's HARD though, I understand why folk are reluctant to do it), and teeth should be brushed after a toddler's bedtime milk rather than feeding to sleep.