When did you start to get your life back?

[NewBlueGoo]

My DS is 2.5. He's our only child, and will remain an only child. He is lovely, but a handful. He doesn't really sleep, despite 3 goes with a sleep consultant and months of OT. Lots of tantrums and violent refusal (naps, clothes, toothbrushing). He'll only go to sleep if I'm lying next to him. GP and health visitor and nursery don't think there are any developmental issues, it's just who he is at this point in his toddler life.

But I'm shocked by how little time and energy my DH and I have each day when our DS is done with us. I see people out and about with 2 or 3 clean, fully dressed, calm and smiling children and I wonder how they manage it. I wonder how anyone can summon the energy to do the necessary to have more children if they already have a toddler.

I also see people who have DCs the same age as mine and they manage to conduct busy social lives - they go out of an evening and away for weekends or have jobs where they travel a lot. I can't see how I will ever get from my current situation to anything like that.

I work 3 days a week & am due to increase to 4 days next month and though I love my job and I actively wanted to increase my hours, I just don't know how I will have any life force left to me at all.

Has anyone had a full-on toddler and survived it with a shred of selfhood intact? What age do your kids have to be before things start to feel any easier?

For me it was 3. Mine was very ill for most of his second year, on average I’d get asked to pick him up from nursery 2-3 times a month. His sleep deteriorated and he had so little energy he didn’t want to walk from one room to another. Eventually we found out what was wrong and after a stay in hospital he recovered. Now he sleeps brilliantly and wants to be in his own bed. I can tuck him in wake at night and he’ll sing himself to sleep. He’s still a handful in the day and not the best behaved child (not calm and smiling, lol!) but having a restful night really helps. Especially as there have been no daytime naps for about a couple of years now. I travel for work sometimes too but his grandparents look after him then. Hope you find things get easier too soon x

Have no idea but following with baited breathe!! You have my sympathies, I too have the strong willed no sleep everythings a trauma child!

I have a two year old boy who is also a handul, i have a 9 yo girl who was fine but her brother is alot different. He still sleeps with me, wont go to sleep for anyone else, if i go out i have to be back to put him to bed and had to leave my job recently. I thought maybe it was because i breast fed for about 20 months and didnt with my daughter, did you breastfeed? X

When my eldest was your DC age, I had a four month old baby! I actually found my eldest easier, mainly because I was able to ignore the difficult behaviour at that age. My youngest felt harder at around 2.5. I think things started getting easier around when my youngest was 3 and started at nursery school.

Sorry to hear your son was ill, Hugs - that sounds awful, But singing himself to sleep in his own bed sounds fantastic! That is the stuff of dreams for me.

My dd has just turned 11 and it's the first time since she was born I've finally got some time to myself. I can leave her for a few hours and don't have to take her and collect her from school. Feels as though some of the apron strings are loosening.

When they became teenagers.

Kbeeb Oh man, did you have to leave your job because of the toll the childcare was taking? It's exhausting, isn't it? I breastfed until 19 months - but he had formula as well, from day one, so wasn't entirely reliant on me for his milk. Won't go to sleep for anyone else though (apart from at nursery where apparently he just lies down and drifts off without complaint!!)

I’d say when my youngest was 3 life improved significantly.

Ah good, that's 3 votes for age 3 then (and a couple of votes for adolescence ).

Won't go to sleep for anyone else though (apart from at nursery where apparently he just lies down and drifts off without complaint!!)

Please take this in the kind and caring spirit in which it is intended.

He sounds a bit pandered to by you. Which I know is easy to do, especially with an only child. But there is absolutely no reason why he shouldn’t be sleeping in his own bed and accepting having his teeth brushed and coat on 9/10 times at age 2.5.

Get tougher and make life easier for yourselves - and him

When youngest was about 3.5/4 years old. I bf for ages too. It does get a lot easier quite quickly I found and now my youngest is six, I do loads of stuff.

Yeah i had to leave because i just couldnt get the childcare and couldnt afford to pay for it. He will also go to sleep for my parents or his dad through the day but only if in the car it the pram. I tried to combine feed but he wasnt having any of it! He wouldnt even drink my milk from a bottle.. but just over the past week hes started getting a littlw easier, he fell asleep at night for
His dad once and ive never been so excited, then he curled up and fell asleep on my mam one afternoon. So hopefully this is the start of him calming down and i am
Going to start looking for a new job in January! Every kid is different, i bet one day hel just fall asleep on his own it just takes more time for some x

Would love to know! I've a 2.5 year old and an 18 month old and neither sleeps through

And my oldest (10) still needs someone to sleep with her and we do loads for both dc as well.

When they start school, so about 4. They start comparing themselves to others and shape up a bit (though pick up bad behaviour too). My daughter would not stop sucking her thumb but she suddenly stopped doing it during the day as she ‘didn’t want to look like a baby’, for example. They also start to pull away from you about then.
But it’s when they get to 11 or 12 and you can leave them at home alone for a while that I really started to feel more in control of my time.

When dd started school it definitely got easier.
I went on to have Dd2, when Dd1 was 23. So now I'm back in the baby years 😂😂😂

OP, I want to echo what WellErr said above, also in the kindest possible way. Is there the tiniest chance you’re enabling the behaviour around sleep? It’s easy to do and they know how to push our buttons.

Parenting that age is bloody hard - I’m in the thick of it - but so much harder if you’re not getting any sleep.

Also, if you feel this way now, definitely don’t have a second one! (I have a second one )

Yeah, I don't have much energy for anything once they're in bed to be honest. Dc's are 2 and 5. I work full time though. I can't be bothered going out at night anyway, I'm busy with the kids etc then I just pass out once they're asleep. For me, going to work is a break, a cliche I know

My three were teenagers before I really felt I was getting my life back. Sorry, OP, I know that's not what you wanted to hear.

My daughter is 9 ( year 5) only child 😱💀😮, 10 In February going on 19.
I actually hate , have panic attacks at the thought of summer holidays and now half term .😬😮😮
My daughter does dance and drama so I book her on all the half term courses at her dance school which is not cheap but worth every penny and I work the cost out to the last penny also.

I think it depends on what you mean by 'getting your life back'. Dc1 and 2 are 5 and 3yrs and still need me but it's not really a drama leaving them with a babysitter or doing some socialising with them in tow (as long as it's a sensible place/time and they're not tired). At home, they can play without us sometimes or can do certain tasks independently eg go to the toilet or put their shoes on (with some chivvying if it's to go to school and no chivvying if it's to go to the park ).
There have been times when I've had to push the DC on boundaries though, eg fixing bedtime routines when they started to overwhelm the whole evening and be very stressful. Dc1 in particular wanted us to sleep with him every night for months which made having any time with DH impossible and interrupted everyone's sleep. Identifying those stress points and working on them made huge differences to our lives overall. We tried waiting for him to outgrow the phase but it wasn't happening.
I've recently had dc3 though and set myself back to having no child free life for another couple of years at least .

I guess by getting my life back I mean being able to leave him with a babysitter ever, or go to the gym now and again and leave him at home with his dad. We have no family in this country, so there's nobody who can have him for a couple of hours on a weekend or evening. Currently if I leave the house without him he gets so distressed that he beats his head on the ground and cries until he hyperventilates. It's very alarming, and hard to know how to 'toughen up' when he gets so upset that he hurts himself.

Hmm it’s a tricky one. I personally think he’s a bit insecure, if you’re doing what he wants when he has these tantrums he’s learning he has to get in that state before you’ll back down. Have you tried some parenting classes and asked for support? It’s really a number one rule you can’t give into toddler tantrums...it teaches completely the wrong behaviour. He doesn’t know what’s best for himself, if he thinks he’s in charge it’s very scary and stressful for young children.

Try making sure he’s aware of what’s coming next, whether it’s coat or going out or getting dressed or bed. Speak really positively about what’s happening in a calm voice. Give him some choices, but it’s green or blue, two choices there’s never a third option. Don’t speak when you go in at night, just lay him down safely and keep leaving the room until he gets the idea.

Say to yourself you are the parent, what you say goes.

I’m single parent to 11 month old dd, we go swimming Monday, out all day Tuesday then visiting friend until 9 ish just the one evening, she sleeps round her house at 7. Wednesday she’s at her dads, Thursday we’re out all day doing activities Friday we’re at groups. She used to hate going in the car seat and still acts up but seems to be learning it’s good as she gets positive attention, fun and to see new things.

I did complete a childcare course level 2/3 though so I did have some experience. Toddlers are just learning how to interact it’s a tricky time and I’m sure i’ll experience problems too. :/

You never get your life back, instead you get a different life. As your child grows the challenges change. I speak as a mum of grown up children. 💐