When did you start to get your life back?

[NewBlueGoo]

My DS is 2.5. He's our only child, and will remain an only child. He is lovely, but a handful. He doesn't really sleep, despite 3 goes with a sleep consultant and months of OT. Lots of tantrums and violent refusal (naps, clothes, toothbrushing). He'll only go to sleep if I'm lying next to him. GP and health visitor and nursery don't think there are any developmental issues, it's just who he is at this point in his toddler life.

But I'm shocked by how little time and energy my DH and I have each day when our DS is done with us. I see people out and about with 2 or 3 clean, fully dressed, calm and smiling children and I wonder how they manage it. I wonder how anyone can summon the energy to do the necessary to have more children if they already have a toddler.

I also see people who have DCs the same age as mine and they manage to conduct busy social lives - they go out of an evening and away for weekends or have jobs where they travel a lot. I can't see how I will ever get from my current situation to anything like that.

I work 3 days a week & am due to increase to 4 days next month and though I love my job and I actively wanted to increase my hours, I just don't know how I will have any life force left to me at all.

Has anyone had a full-on toddler and survived it with a shred of selfhood intact? What age do your kids have to be before things start to feel any easier?

It's very alarming, and hard to know how to 'toughen up' when he gets so upset that he hurts himself.

Upset? Or angry?

It’s a manipulation technique. A good one to be fair to him. Whichever adult is with him needs to hold him safely until he stops, reassure him but otherwise ignore the behaviour and distract. You can’t let your 2 year old hold you prisoner in your own home sweetheart, it’s going to be a long 18 years of you take that road now

If you want to go to the gym then go. Leave him with his dad. He won’t stay awake forever, his dad can restrain him if he’s hurting himself, and this really isn’t fair on you as it is.

It’s really a number one rule you can’t give into toddler tantrums...it teaches completely the wrong behaviour. He doesn’t know what’s best for himself, if he thinks he’s in charge it’s very scary and stressful for young children.

Really good advice.

Have you tried leaving him for a very short period of time and then extending it? Like one minute, then two, then four etc?

You must be going slowly mad if you can’t leave him.

What time is he asleep by? Can you leave him once he’s asleep?

You're going to get the dramatic "teenagers" "when they move out" but unless there are additional issues that is ridiculous. Mine are 9 and 6 and life is great, I can't remember when parenthood stopped feeling overwhelming in regards to time, usually over the age 3 when you're not potty training etc becomes a big relief. But school age is a fantastic age, they're fun, communicative, can entertain themselves, easily obtain babysitters for them. It's been years since I've felt overwhelmed by parenthood.

Some good advice here. Children need boundaries, set by parents. Boundaries make them feel safe and loved. Start slowly, with one or two things. Make new rules but most importantly both parents have to stick to the rules. Do not give in, no matter what. It’s called tough love.

In regards to when should you be able to leave with dad? As soon as baby isnt dependent on the breast, it really shouldn't be taken this long for that, it sounds like you're pandering and making life more difficult. Imagine how limited your time would be right now if you'd had another child, you wouldn't be giving the same amount, I'm not saying have another child at all Im just saying that's the point a lot of the helicopter type parents are forced to relinquish themselves a bit so perhaps you need to generally change your attitude for things to change.

No answering your question. But try dropping the nap if he is refusing it and not going to sleep at night.

Your not even leaving him with Dad? Do they get any time just the two of them? It’s really important for their relationship and your mental health. My DD became much more likely to ask DH for us stuff in the house rather than defaulting to me when they started doing Daddy-daughter time.

When ds started school

I think between 2-3 it gets easier. You can (assuming you have some family help or a babysitter you can draft in) manage a meal and drinks out with your partner. From about 2.5, we started to be able to do a night away and as much as 2 nights away by around 3-4. We don't have family nearby, but occasionally, we could get them to come stay at our house for a night or two to make this possible.

In terms of getting time to yourself, you just have to take it. If there are two of you, you both plan days or weekends for yourself. The other one will survive and manage just fine alone. My dh would go for a night to see friends (stay over there) and come back the next afternoon. I would do the same. We also travel independently - take a weekend or 3-4 days away as a break, nothing crazy like a week in the Maldives, but just time to be an adult and not be dictated by children's schedules and needs. I was just away on 3 nights holiday a couple weeks ago. We have a 6 year old and a 1.5 year old. Dh managed just fine without me, as I do when he is away. I think that's really crucial particularly if you don't have anyone who could provide childcare for you to both do something together.

Then the rest of it is really down to sharing the load at home. We both work full time now (I work compressed hours, 4 days a week, but 12 hour days plus a bit extra in the evenings after bedtime). It's possible because we both do things that need doing and it isn't me run ragged. Dh cooks 3-4 days a week, does the washing up, washes clothes, cleans, does the school run 2-3 days a week, homework, etc. just like I do on the days when I am home or less busy. Because we both share it equally, but also aren't fussy (realistically, house is a tip a lot of the time, but everyone has a healthy home cooked meal, is clean, happy, homework gets done on time...), we manage just fine.

That said though, if you are exhausted and just can't quite get over that, do look into if there is a medical cause. I felt like death earlier this year and could barely get out of bed some days. I thought it was going back to work and my long commute (have a 3 hour commute 3 days a week). It turns out I was vitamin D deficient. 6 months and a lot of vitamin D tablets later, I feel normal now and my levels are great. It made a huge difference.

Depends if you have family to help or not. We have no close family so we either had to pay for childcare or it was us. To be honest things only started getting noticeably easier once youngest was preschool year. We do have two close together though.

And yes, it is very easy to pander to an only child. We were much less of a pushover with our second (you don’t really get a choice, to be honest) and I think everyone is happier for it.

I think when DC1 turned one. Waa sleeping through the night and I returned to work which was like finding myself again.

Of course things were so lovely and easy we decided to have another! But I found there isn't the same upheaval and loss of self that there was with the first one. Maybe we just get better at maintaining a balance.

Based on your update, I would say that your dh needs to get in there and parent and sort out a way to soothe him. Neither of mine were ever left with my dh overnight until 15-17 months (youngest bf until then too). But then in both cases, I needed to be away for between 4-10 days. I went away when my first was 17 months for 10 days on a work trip.

Both of them were absolutely fine. Your dh is a parent. He can/should figure out tactics to soothe him. They may not be the same as yours, but everyone will be absolutely fine. If he's hurting himself, then your dh needs to intervene and parent. It's not a problem with you not being able to find time to leave. He needs to step up and do the work that you do. It's also a lovely time for them, and he will have missed out on so much time with his dad if they never get to do things just the two of that. My dd had an amazing time just with dh when I was away for 10 days. They really bonded and had so much fun together. You need to hop in the car, go enjoy a day out or see friends or go to the spa or go read a book in the library, and let your dh work it out. They'll both be fine.

Everyone I know found 3-4 very difficult, sorry OP! My DS is 4 at the end of the year and he became more challenging as he neared 3. They're suddenly more aware of their ability to be rude, nasty, aggressive etc.

Your DS does sound challenging, and he may be one of those children who gets easier as he gets older! But be prepared for him to not (sorry) as I know plenty who are still challenging at 3-4 who were high needs babies/toddlers.

All fun and games eh

Tbh ime having to stay with a 2yo for them to go to sleep is normal. It’s only the exceptional dc who will go down easily on their own (I’ve had both types)

If you’re managing to leave him at nursery when you go to work, then leaving him with your DH or a babysitter should be doable too. You need some time for yourself and it’s good for your son to have bonding time with his dad.

At two I would sit in my son’s room while he fell asleep (reading my phone so I had some entertainment!). It will be hard at first but perhaps you could gradually try leaving him in bed on his own, but with you in the room, so that he can fall asleep alone without you having to lie next to him. My son likes having his groclock night light and a toy in bed to cuddle with him.

My DD just turned 2. She will cry if I leave, even if she’s left with DH, but whoever she’s with just distracts her and I just leave as quickly as possible to avoid prolonging the process. She’s fine within a minute.

If you can leave him at nursery then you can leave him with his dad. How is he leaving the house with DH? So DH taking him to the park or whatever and you staying home, as a start. But really you just need to say bye see you soon and then go. You can’t be held hostage by a toddler

Ffs.

I’m a single mum with no family nearby. My ds was a handful until about 3.5. Until he calmed down, he came everywhere with me evenings & weekends. It was a bit like growing another limb. I just made room for him.
I had ds in my 40s. I was v tired for first two years back at work, then took up running twice a week to improve general fitness. Now in my 50s, ds at senior school & I have plenty of energy.
Am waiting to see what teen years are like

How’s it going op? Hope you’re feeling better about it all. X