Please help me get a grip - DD not passed eleven plus

[Cherrio]

Hi all, I'm hoping for some words of wisdom I think. Apologies if I've posted in the wrong section. My DD didn't meet the qualifying standard for the 11+ and I'm surprised at how upset I am for her. I feel incredibly guilty. She is my much loved only child and like most parents, I just want the best chance for her. There are several grammar schools in our area, all 'outstanding ' and several 'average' secondaries (and some requiring improvement). I feel like I've let her down. She is at a lovely primary where there was no mention of the eleven plus - only DD and four others in her class applied. She's bright but I recognise that lots of other children are too! She had a lovely, very laid back tutor for an hour a week for about 5 months (she didn't feel under pressure and I said she didn't have to sit it unless she wanted to). I feel like I should have done so much more for her. I didn't do much at all - we have always read together, spellings, times tables etc. perhaps I was lazy, not doing practice papers and so on. I thought, "what will be will be" but I'm devastated now. I could never afford private school and I'm imagining the difference in education between the grammars and the comps, thinking that she won't do as well now. I can't escape the feeling that I've failed her. Any advice will be much appreciated as I'm feeling a bit broken hearted.

My first born didn’t want to do the 11+. I respected this and he went to our local comp. My second born went for the 11+ and succeeded in gaining a place at the local grammar. I have no guilt whatsoever about the different schools. Ds1 is absolutely flying in the comprehensive. He’s in top sets, is getting excellent grades and has flourished. He’s built an excellent group of friends and is so happy. Ds2 I fail to see any changes. He has become more introvert and his friendship circle has decreased. He’s getting the grades but seems nowhere near as happy. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be op. If your daughter is bright, she will do well at any school x

Thank you for replying @kazza446. I think I need to hold on to your last sentence especially. I hope your ds2 is happier in time. I hope she gets in to the one good comp!

I went to a poorly performing secondary school where hardly anyone went to university, but teachers recognised what I could do and pushed me. I have a PhD now. She will be fine and the 'best' school by external standards isn't everything.

It must be hard and you’re bound to feel the dreaded mum guilt! Honestly, children adapt quickly and will learn if they want to. Good luck with your school choices xx

I don't think grammars work for everyone so don't worry too much. I think to get the most out of them you have to be pretty ambitious and self-motivated. I don't know if they attract teachers of higher calibre than other schools, but I don't think so (I went to a grammar and some of ours were shit). My SIL/BIL are amazingly good and intelligent teachers who both work at a comp that has its share of tricky children.

If your DD is bright and a good student then being at a comp may be the making of her, as she may be made a fuss of for being a good role model/ one of the school's better performing pupils.

'Outstanding' often means they know how to perform the Ofsted show really well. It doesn't always translate into an amazing school experience for every child. Often to be outstanding you need things like a certain % of attendance - comps are more likely than grammars to have a few children at them who care less about their education and who bunk more... dig deeper into the reports and visit the schools to get a proper idea of what they are actually like.

My best friend is a teacher and she echo’d what doctordoctor said. Schools will push bright kids to maximise their potential. It’s good for the school x

Thanks everyone- I'm so pleased I posted, some great points. I can see that I had idealised the idea of grammar school. And I went to a grammar which also had some truly shit teachers! She will do fine because of who she is and because she'll always have me in her corner

1. She'll go up to secondary with a bunch of her friends, making the transition easier.

1. When I was at a Grammar school, there was also a 12+ (Buckinghamshire) for those who didn't get in first time around, with a view to starting in Year 8. Is this an option for you?

1. Terry Pratchett never went to a grammar school despite passing the 11+ and he did just fine in life.

It’s obvious to me that with a mother who cares for her wellbeing like you do, your DD will flourish ...

Your DD will be fine at whichever school she goes to. Don’t beat yourself up.

If a child needs tutoring to even get into a school... is that really the right school for them?

Don’t worry at all OP. Plenty of people, myself and my husband included, went to arguably the worst comprehensives in the area. We went on to mediocre universities but had the drive to succeed, and are both now earning six figures in jobs we love (well I don’t actually bring home six figures as I work part time but you get the gist!) The reputation of the school is one thing, but it’s the love, support and encouragement they’ll get at home and the hard work they ultimately put in that will make all the difference. Best of luck to her, I am sure with a caring mother like yourself she will do just fine

I’d say if she had 5 months of tutoring then you certainly did do enough to give her a good shot at it. Not every child is suited to grammar and it would be worse for her to be there and struggle. Way better to be in a comp but at the top. She will thrive wherever she goes I’m sure

My daughter didn't pass either. My son did. It was a long shot for her as she is dyslexic but bright. We have few alternatives locally but I'm cheered by the fact that neither my brother or nephew passed the 11+ and they are both pilots earning more than this teacher. It is not a disaster!

If your daughter didn't pass then it's the wrong school for her. She will do well at another school. For what it's worth both my sons passed the 11+ and went to the local outstanding grammar. Both hated it and left after achieving decidedly average gcse results. The school concentrated on the really bright boys and left the others behind. Hindsight is a wonderful thing....how I wish they had gone to the failing comprehensive (which improved rapidly and is now superb).

Your dd gets one childhood. Feeling loved and cherished and safe are more important than passing a test at age 11.

She is still our dd, she is still bright.

Honestly will she be happier in top sets at a comp or the bottom set of a grammar?

Will she be happier going to a comp with others from her school?

Just pick a secondary school with a decent sixth form . Look at which Universities the children go on to and which courses they study. This will give you a good understanding of the quality of teaching and how aspirational it is. The sixth form bit is important as it reflects the fact that the teachers are high calibre who want to teach at an advanced and in depth level in their chosen subject.

If she didn't pass the 11+, then grammar school wasn't the place for her. As a year 6 teacher, I've seen parents push their children, get all manner of tutors in and force their children to study past papers constantly. They've then passed the 11+ and really really struggled at grammar.
That level of pressure is impossible to maintain. We didn't have grammar schools where I grew up and I went to a dreadful, chavvy school. I got great grades and went on to get a first class degree.
The school won't make your child, she will make herself (with your help).

Thank you everyone. These replies have really helped and I was so upset yesterday. I don't think there is a 12+ but I think good points about being able to do well at a comp rather than struggle at grammar. None of her friends are going to grammar either. And, there are good sixth forms around actually so that feels like a positive option too. I'm so proud she tried - it was so nerve wracking but more for me than her!

@Toddlersaresuchadelight
The school won't make your child, she will make herself (with your help).

That's a lovely statement that I wholeheartedly agree with. My DD also knows children who had far, far more tutoring and I just didn't want to put her under that kind of pressure. I had wondered if perhaps I should have pushed her but I no longer think so - she could really thrive at a comp like many children do.

@Cherrio if it's any consellation, I passed with 100% on my 11+ and went to THE top grammar school for girls in the country and despised every second of it and my education took a turn for the worse as it just wasn't the right fit for me.

A combination of horrendous verbal bullying and isolation by the children plus family break down meant I left with less than desirable A levels and didn't get into the Russell Group university I applied for. My point being that the 11+ and grammar school education (in my opinion based on my personal experience) is a load of tosh that doesn't work for every child (many are late bloomers) and this has only been reinforced by my experience as a teacher and I definitely won't be choosing to send any child I have to grammar school.

@MIW01 Thank you, that is consoling (although awful for you to go through). I think I was focusing on the idea that grammar = fabulous opportunities, better uni, fewer distractions, better chances in life etc. and any other school = the opposite. Which is ridiculous frankly. I hate that I got so caught up in the system in this way; it's not as simplistic as I was making it. My DD is lovely, sweet, kind and clever. I read earlier that parental support is the key factor in how well a child navigates secondary school, which makes sense. I'll give her as much support and encouragement as I can. Sadly, one of her classmates who did pass (out of 3) has been unkind to her today which makes my blood boil. But, she is fine and will be fine . Thanks again.

11 + is like any exam. It’s all preparation, preparation, preparation. Parents who believe it’s some inate test of ‘intelligence’ all end up disappointed like you did. Anyway it’s too late for regrets now, you need to focus on what your next step will be. Is it private or a comp? Will you invest in further tuition to help her with areas she was weak at in the 11+? You need to plan all of this now

I don't live in a grammar school area so maybe my views don't count but how do you think children in the vast majority of the country get on in life?

I had a conversation with a friend in a grammar area recently and we looked up how many children go to them, I don't remember the exact figure but about 5% rings a bell, the other 95%, if that's the figure, don't end up on the scrap heap of life. You will give your child the best chances by being supportive of her education.

OP, have you heard the phrase "The Forgotten Middle"?

Look at it this way:
Most schools, grammar or comp, concentrate on their highest achieving and lowest achieving students. Those in the middle academically, who won't get the headline results and who aren't in danger of damaging the school's academic reputation simply get forgotten about. Had your bright, but not exceptional, child passed her 11+ she would likely fall within the forgotten middle. With the brightest students in the area creamed off and going to grammar school, she will likely be one of the brightest at her comp and will therefore be supported better.

We're a bit different in that both passed the exam but we couldn't get in due to catchment. They go to the local secondary school where they are both doing really well and thoroughly enjoying it. No regrets about their choice