Please help me get a grip - DD not passed eleven plus

[Cherrio]

Hi all, I'm hoping for some words of wisdom I think. Apologies if I've posted in the wrong section. My DD didn't meet the qualifying standard for the 11+ and I'm surprised at how upset I am for her. I feel incredibly guilty. She is my much loved only child and like most parents, I just want the best chance for her. There are several grammar schools in our area, all 'outstanding ' and several 'average' secondaries (and some requiring improvement). I feel like I've let her down. She is at a lovely primary where there was no mention of the eleven plus - only DD and four others in her class applied. She's bright but I recognise that lots of other children are too! She had a lovely, very laid back tutor for an hour a week for about 5 months (she didn't feel under pressure and I said she didn't have to sit it unless she wanted to). I feel like I should have done so much more for her. I didn't do much at all - we have always read together, spellings, times tables etc. perhaps I was lazy, not doing practice papers and so on. I thought, "what will be will be" but I'm devastated now. I could never afford private school and I'm imagining the difference in education between the grammars and the comps, thinking that she won't do as well now. I can't escape the feeling that I've failed her. Any advice will be much appreciated as I'm feeling a bit broken hearted.

Yes true @coconuttelegraph. If we lived somewhere else this wouldn't even be an issue. Thanks, I'll remember that. It's a bit crap actually- loads of children don't even get the chance to have this 'outstanding ' experience and have to work with what they get. I won't go private but I will see if she needs/wants extra tuition in secondary school and invest in that. I see now that it does take a lot of prep that we just didn't do. I'm starting to get over myself now grips have been got!!

It doesn’t matter - really. In the 1960s my OH failed his 11 plus, went to a secondary modern then his brain woke up. He did A levels at FE college went on to do a degree and ended his working life in a very high status, intellectually demanding job earning well into 6 figures. He also has a doctorate.

P S this is totally not meant as stealth boasting in the context

@Cherrio bang on! I was like a fish out of water as even though you don't pay to go to grammar school, the majority who attended mine were stuck up entitled little posh toffs and me with hair dressers on my Mum's side and born and bred cockney green grocers on my Dad's. Plus they didn't have a clue how to support any of their children. I was 1st ever in the family to go to Uni (so I then went and did it 3 times yo make up for it lol). And the unkind comment from the stuck up little brat to your daughter just proves the point that she's better off not going g there. I know not everyone who attends grammar school is like this btw but it was very much the most awful experience for me.

I took the 11+ when everyone had to take it regardless of where they wanted to go. I passed and duly went to Grammar school.

I started in the top form but by the end of the year I was in the bottom as I was so desperately unhappy. All my friends had gone to secondary schools and I was bullied endlessly by both pupils and teachers and by my mother who was 'ashamed' of me. TBH I was suicidal I was so unhappy and so unsupported. Fortunately for my mental health I found one subject I excelled in and a brilliant teacher who taught it and made it to the other side of GCEs as they were then.

As soon as I was 16 I ran away from home and went to work with horses. No way was I doing A levels in that miserable place.

Long story short, grammar school is far from the be all and end all. Happiness and feeling safe trumps any academic achievement.

I sincerely hope your daughter is happy with the school she goes to and will perform to the best of her ability. You sound like a great and caring Mum and that is the best place to start from.

I didn't go to grammar school. I got ten good GCSEs (which was the highest amount I could get with the subjects I chose), three A Levels and got into University, graduating with a Bsc.

I understand why you are upset, but grammar schools aren't the be all and end all. If she puts the hard work in, she'll be fine.

To be honest I think there are parents all over the country who are feeling like you this week!
My son also didn’t get in, he missed it by 10 points! He was very upset when he opened his results as he worked extremely hard and was projected to achieve a decent pass mark! However I think on the day the pressure got to him! It’s just one of those things and I’m a big believer in fate & it just wasn’t meant to be! The most important thing is that the children are spoken to and that they know you are incredibly proud of their achievements. In the long run if they are bright kids it doesn’t matter where they go they will thrive!It’s important that are in the right learning environment for them to flourish in so they can reach their true potential. State schools are equally as good. I think we can get fixated on grammer education but it just doesn’t suit particular kids.
My 3 kids go to a Prep school and the focus is all inclusive of a wide range of teaching environments to include Grammer, Common entrance , non selective and state schools!
As a parent all you can do is to instill resilience, confidence and a good work ethic and the DD will grow into a rounded individual.
I’m my professional capacity I encounter children/teenagers who are unable to cope with life as they are constantly under pressure to achieve, act a certain way, look a certain way and are constantly feeling inadequate which in turn leads to poor wellbeing and increase in Mental health issues at a young age.
It’s a tough life lesson but they have to learn to pick themselves up, dust off , deal with the normal emotions a failure brings and grow stronger as a result! This single process is character building and will enable them to process the emotions it brings - normal ones I might add and stand them in good stead moving forward in their lives. As a parent all we want to do is shield them from such pain but we can’t ! What we can do is nurture their coping mechanisms and encourage them to reach their full potential in any environment, knowing that they are loved, respected and last but not least winners in our eyes!!!!
Hope this helps!!! Now to our own emotions! We as parents have invested time & money in the Grammer process and may feel lost , upset and feel we’ve let them down. We indeed have not. We all only want what is best for our kids. Continue to push & guide gently and be excited about their new potential schools!
It’ll be a tough week this week as they’ll all be discussing their mark and also last day of Summer term as the Grammer kids will depart but this is a journey! We all know people who have exceeded and failed in life and it’s the individual who makes their own destiny with the backing of loving , encouraging environments!!

Please do not feel bad at all. You tried your best, you even employed a Tutor. My advice is try and visit the comprehensive schools with your daughter and then decide which would be the best fit for her. I attended a comprehensive school myself in the 90's and there were students who scored all A's in their A-levels. Encourage her to work hard and achieve her dreams. If you're still set on a grammar school you could look into appealing next year or join in year 8/9 assuming there's are spaces or alternatively complete her 6th form education in a grammar schools. Please do not see this as a death sentence. All the best

Hello,
Do you live in Kent /Medway?
If your daughter is of the academic ability and the teachers agree enough to support her you can appeal to a grammar school but the school must be listed on you school choices even though she won’t be offered them but it’s the only way of appeal.

My husband failed his 11 plus and went to a not very well regarded secondary. He has a first from University and out earns me by a long way- I went to a private grammar and a Russel Group uni!

My daughter changed high schools 3 times (both local comp and grammar schools)of her own doing because she chased areas of perfection in her subjects. She finished A levels with AAAA* & has just started at the uni of her choice. Did I mention she didn’t tutor or pass the 11+ and was told she wasn’t grammar material by her “outstanding” primary school. She spent 5 years in grammars. Moral of the story.... your daughters journey is just starting, nobody knows which way it will progress, just support her and be proud of her achievements. She might just shift the boundaries people set her and make her own. The systems flawed but it is what it is.

Didn't even get to go to grammar school as we didn't have 11+. Went to bog standard comp. Then got into Oxford. Think I did ok.....

Please just support your daughter.

Thanks everyone for suggestions and support. I've taken everything that has been said on board. I don't live in Kent but I wouldn't appeal I don't think; acceptance is probably the best option! Ive had time to regroup and focus on what my DD needs and what's really important. I thought today of all the parents who, for whatever reason, would love to have this as the only concern they have about their child.

My eldest DD missed out on passing by several points, but she's more creative than she is academic so I was ok with it. My younger DD however missed the pass mark by about 2 points and I was devastated for her. I appealed as she'd been unwell on the day but didn't get anywhere. She was upset herself. However, because of how well she did, she was put in the 'gifted and talented' stream at her secondary school and excelled. A lot of secondaries (non grammar) have separate streams for the brightest students. Your DD may have struggled at grammar, but she'll likely excel at a comprehensive if she's one of the brighter students, especially if she has a good attitude to work and wanting to learn. You will come down from this OP, believe me, it just seems so upsetting when it's still fresh.

Honestly will she be happier in top sets at a comp or the bottom set of a grammar?

This with bells on! I was bottom set at grammar and got overlooked as the focus was on the top set who might get into Oxbridge. Also my school employed some crap teachers, just cause they were Dr so and so but had no idea how to teach the curriculum!

Keep em coming! It's all so true. We are looking at a school today and it's all about how it feels rather than what's on paper. There was a thread about private schools yesterday (which is not possible for us) and I thought "it's a different world" - I honestly hadn't realised how competitive education can be! Certainly this experience has opened my eyes and is probably affirming my leftie sensibilities!

Hello,
Sorry to post on an old thread but I could have written your first post @Cherrio !
How is your daughter doing now?
I’m looking for ways to best let down my DC. Their score is not enough. Do I lie and bump the score up (but so that it still wouldn’t be enoug) or give them the real score which would potentially be a little upsetting?