I hate being a mum.

[Emily986]

Hi, I’m a FTM with a four month old baby. I hate it. I miss my old life. I love my baby but I hate what my life has become.
I’m not depressed. Depression is the absence of emotions and I’m definitely feeling a lot of emotions, mainly rage.
I’m angry that my husband gets to carry on his normal life whilst I’ve had my life turned upside down. I’m angry that the expectation of ‘the mum stays at home and looks after the baby’ has taken away my career. And I’m angry at myself for choosing to do this.
I’m going to baby groups, swimming, walking, shopping etc and my baby is a happy little girl. Anyone watching me would think that I’m having a wonderful time with my baby. But I’m not. I know it will ‘get easier’ over time but I’m not concerned with life being ‘easy’ I want my life to be enjoyable and right now I can’t see when that time will be.
Anybody else feel like this?

People need to be more open about this, I felt the exact same, I went back to work when DS was 7 months and it saved my sanity completely! I couldn’t be a stay at home mum, I love DS more than anything in the world but to be completely honest it’s the same thing day in day out and absolutely relentlessly tiring. Ds is nearly 2 now and it’s easier in the sense of he sleeps/talks/walks etc now but I still couldn’t stay at home daily with him, I’d jump in front of a bus for him now, I’ve never felt love like it before but for me personally could not do it as a stay at home mum, I really hated how much I lost my identity and was just mum with no purpose to anyone else.

Also comments like isn’t it nice you can be paid to look after him at home and get your stuff done like shopping, when I just wanted to scream I’m more than just a mum at home going on shopping trips! Drove me potty! As cliche as it is it does get better

Can you go back to work?
Failing that.....4 month olds are still quite portable. Would you be happier sacking off the baby groups and going places more enjoyable to you?
Pubs, art galleries, cafes etc?
Do you have any friends available during the day that you could meet up with for a chat?

Hang in there. I started to enjoy it about a year in, I think because:

• baby more fun, walks, talks and I can do more with baby. Less random crying!

• I went back to work, love having the balance back in my life. Love my days in the office with my smart clothes on drinking hot tea with adult chat!

• DC goes to nursery for half a day on my day off and I do my hobby

• I have one evening a week where I do my hobby (DH at home so this is easy)

• DH and I each give ourselves a couple of hours a week to ourselves to do hobby / whatever we like

• babysitter once every couple of months and DH and I go for dinner

Unless you are a single parent, it should be easy enough to get some time back for yourself once baby a bit older.

Oh and I hated baby groups!

First of all I would say don't rule out PND as depression can be different for different people and there are other health related matters that can affect your mood. The very fact that you are not happy with your life but rather than taking proactive steps to improve things for yourself you are feeling trapped says mental health issues to me. I would start by talking to your GP and try to get some counselling if possible to help you think things through.

DH and I each give ourselves a couple of hours a week to ourselves to do hobby / whatever we like

Sorry typo this should read: DH and I each give ourselves a couple of hours a weekend to ourselves to do hobby / whatever we like

I felt like this and I do have PND. I'm not saying you do, but how you might want to talk to your doctor about how you're feeling? Even just letting it out can be therapeutic.

I went back to work for one day when my son was 4 months. He's now 9 months and I'm doing 3 days a week.

There's a reason so many women set up businesses during their maternity leave, which depending on how you're feeling could be something to look at too?

Re your husband, does he do his fair share once at home from work? That can make you feel doubly worse if not!

You're doing a great job. And you're not the only person in the world to feel what you're feeling. But I would talk to someone.

And I know it doesn't help much now, but it really really does get so much better x

There is no expectation that the mother stays at home, it's really unusal! Are you going back to work? Also, your dh's life does not get to carry on as normal, he is a father now. Are you getting time to yourself/meet friends/do whatever ?

Why do you have to give up your career?

PND doesn't mean emotionless. Could you talk to GP?

OP, 75% of mothers in Britain go back to work. There is no expectation to be stuck at home, apart from on maternity leave.
The first four months are a hard, boring, sleep deprived grind of feeding, nappies, and mopping up sick. Very few women could possibly find that a satisfying life style!
I’d recommend you get back to your career as soon as possible. Maybe part time at first, but it will save your sanity to have some child free time to converse with intelligent adults about topics other than teething!

Yes, it is often shit, this bit, and many many women feel this way.

It gets better. So gradually you don't notice. It never gets easier, the challenges just change. But it becomes enjoyable, and normal, and everyday, and sometimes utterly utterly wonderful to the point where all of the really really shit bits seem a worthwhile trade-off. But when it is shit you can experience it as shit without needing to feel guilty because yeah, sometimes, for long lengths of time, it is just shit.

Something to watch out for though: don't confuse the situational shitness with your own abilities as a parent. You're not wrong, or inadequate, or a bad mum. You're not letting her down by feeling like this.

What were your expectations prior to having a child? Did you anticipate it being more of a 50/50 split with you and your DH?

Could you go back to work? That might help.

Thank you for your replies!

I think that one of the main reasons I am feeling like this is that most of my friends are a 40 minute drive away and my baby screams in the car if she gets tired (which is likely to happen during a 40 minute journey, given that she can only stay awake for a short time and still feeds for ages!). Plus my friends who are available during the day are the ones on Mat leave so they also have kids ... cue the half conversations whilst we both deal with our crying babies. It doesn’t really feel like a break!

The other main reason is, of course, the lack of sleep!

I have been considering going back to work. I think that may be my best option for regaining my sanity.

My DH does pull his weight. He has been fantastic so far but he works full time - this week he has been working away all week so can’t help (hence the sleep deprivation!).

At around that age with my first I started having a couple of hours on a Saturday morning to take a paper to a cafe, go for a walk or something. I would also go out in the evening to meet friends or family for a drink or a meal. You need time to yourself.

You’re right. I do need time to myself and I’m currently not getting any. I’ll chat to DH this weekend and put something regular in place. Thank you so much for all of your suggestions - I'm feeling better already!

It's normal. I had the most intense grief for my old life. And I deeply resented my husband for maintaining his connection with the adult world of work. I was offered a fabulous job when DTs were three months old. I took it and was absolutely shit at it because of sleep deprivation and anxiety over my very ill baby. It ended with a total severing of what had been an extremely strong long standing business contact. (I did try to turn the job down but they pushed.)

The only way around it for me was to actively decide to let go of my old life and make my new life as good as it could be. I started to plan really good days out with the family. While DC were still in slings, we went out to exhibitions and markets and for walks along the river.

I walked for miles and miles every day with them in the buggy - exploring all the rivers and parks and canals and street markets within a five mile radius of our home. As soon as they were old enough we;d take them to city farms and steam fairs and pantos - lots of stuff we enjoyed ourselves.

I didn't have the best upbringing so read loads of books on parenting until I found a way of raising my children that made us all really happy and I worked on it until it was second nature.

As soon as they started nursery I did small freelance projects. As soon as they started school I set up as a freelancer in earnest and have genuinely had a good work life balance due to this ever since. I work hard during the term time but book big chunks of the holidays off to enjoy family life. Don't earn huge amounts but good money for what I do.

You do need to make sure that your DH really understands how Groundhog Day and trapped you feel. Get Saturday mornings off - let him take full charge of the baby while you lie in, go out, have sane time thinking adult thoughts.

This is also why it’s so important to have that forward thinking before having a child. All of these issues are predictable and well discussed especially on here. I understand it’s difficult if baby is unplanned but if not you still have a choice to give it a miss and keep your life as it was.

@SprinkleDash, I really don;t think it's that straightforward. I think with all major life changes we mourn the loss of our old life before ak=cknowledging the richness and value of our new life. It would be timid to think ahead and not go for habving children just because you love your old life. I look back now and am stunned that I found that life fulfilling. I still enjoy what I used to do (work, socialising) but my children are absolutely central to a profound happiness I now have that I;d never known before. Wouldn't want anyone to lose out on that because they liked having nice clothes and Friday night cocktails (or whatever) and think they won't be able to hack the two years of baby sick on their shoulders before they can start to enjoy the best of both lives.

@SprinkleDash with all due respect I think most people are pretty cognisant of the impact a child will bring. That's not what OP is saying here. Knowing the implications of having a child and living them are different entirely. It's bloody hard work, repetitive, relentless and the lack of freedom is oppressive. You can't always plan for that and you can't help the way you feel.

OP I'm in the same boat but with a 17 month old DS. I went back to work at 4 months and it saved my sanity. The problem I'm having now is DS's sickness, having to take time off and studying for a masters at the same time. It feels suffocating at times. Getting out the house helps hugely and I think what a precious poster said in regards to forgetting the old life as we'll never have it back is wise. We should embrace it and run with it and try and seek joy where we can.

4 months is hard work especially with sleep. You will get through this and it will get better, ensure you have at least an hour a day to yourself it will make the world of difference.

Mine is five months now and I feel so much better having decided I fucking hate baby group, he doesn’t know or care we are there so I’ve sacked it off in favour of things I do enjoy. I’ve started volunteering - he just comes with me in the sling, I’m teaching myself a new skill and we walk the dog miles in the countryside. He’s a happier baby when I’m a happier mum; and this is really helping my PND and anxiety - something the baby groups were just triggering all the time.

It is lonely, and I miss normal adult chat but I’m slowly getting there.

it'll get better. they are much nicer to spend time with once they talk, and thank fully in this day and age we can go back to work! it's often a lonely, miserable existence parenting a small child (also parenting a toddler but at least he has a bit of chat now and can be unreasonable with words not just mystery screaming). I work and pack him off to nursery which is good for everyone, I'm about to have another one which is a nightmare though, not sure what i was thinking... finishing off a job started i suppose. back to the beginning. but this time i know none of it lasts very long!

How are you feeling op?

I thought about this thread today. I was actually having a good time with my DC (16 months), having a laugh and I actually realised I hadn’t been clock watching and counting down to bedtime.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve loved my DC from the beginning, but I really found the baby stage hard . I felt like I had lost my independence and identity and bit by bit I’m getting some back. I’m also starting to enjoy my time with toddler more and I’m really looking forward to the future.

I felt exactly the same! To echo the poster before me - I have a 15 month old and everytime I have a good day with him now I really notice it after having such a tough time for the first year. Today was great and he laughed at everything and everything was a game and I'm so thankful to be past the baby stage.

I'm not afraid to admit that I didn't really love him at first. I didn't know him. He was just this tiny person who came along and took away my life and I took a long time to see past that. FINALLY at 15 months I can say that I can't imagine my life without him.

Do more things for you and take baby along. Keep pushing on, keep your head high, be honest about how you're feeling. It will get better and remember that the experience of being a mother is so unique to you.

It D efinitely sounds like you may have PND. Depression is absolutely not the absence of emotions. Anger/ rage is commonplace in those who feel depressed. Most mentally healthy people with 4 month old babies don't regularly experience rage. It's probably worth speaking to your GP/ health visitor and scheduling in some time for yourself away from your baby when possible. Is doing a few KIT days at work an option? Most companies allow you to do up to 10 without compromising your mat leave

Lots of us feel like that op. I visited work when DS was 2 weeks old. I couldn't wait to get back.

Definitely make some time for you on your own.