I hate being a mum.

[Emily986]

Hi, I’m a FTM with a four month old baby. I hate it. I miss my old life. I love my baby but I hate what my life has become.
I’m not depressed. Depression is the absence of emotions and I’m definitely feeling a lot of emotions, mainly rage.
I’m angry that my husband gets to carry on his normal life whilst I’ve had my life turned upside down. I’m angry that the expectation of ‘the mum stays at home and looks after the baby’ has taken away my career. And I’m angry at myself for choosing to do this.
I’m going to baby groups, swimming, walking, shopping etc and my baby is a happy little girl. Anyone watching me would think that I’m having a wonderful time with my baby. But I’m not. I know it will ‘get easier’ over time but I’m not concerned with life being ‘easy’ I want my life to be enjoyable and right now I can’t see when that time will be.
Anybody else feel like this?

I absolutely refused for us to fall into the stereotype of woman dies all baby stuff and mans life doesn’t change. I was an older mum and this was absolutely a condition of me having a baby at all.
I did take 6 months maternity leave so spent more time with ds those months but dh took him out for a walk to starbucks every Saturday morning to give me some personal space and dh did most bathtimes the first year before I stopped bf at 13mo we settled into doing alternate bath/bed routines.
Honestly for me us being in this together and pulling equal weight has made ALL the difference.

I agree with @museumum. The more you get the father engaged with day to day child rearing, the stronger your relationship and overall happiness.

My mum guilt is hitting me hard for admitting this but I'm also struggling to enjoy motherhood atm.

I have 2 DDs. 20mo and 10 weeks and I'm a SAHM without a job to go back to.
I'm planning on working towards a new career when the youngest is in nursery.

The 20mo is going through a horrific tantrum stage right now and it's putting a huge strain on our relationship. I spend half my time dealing with her tantrums and the other half waiting for something to trigger another.
During a tantrum, she hits, kicks, thrashes about and screams until she vomits. Her eyes look wild.
I've read up on how to deal with it and parent the best I can through it but when she's kicking off, I honestly just don't like her and I hate myself for that.

I also feel huge guilt that my other dd basically just gets ignored while all this is happening. She's not getting the attention she deserves and I hate myself for that too.

I find myself getting nostalgic about my old life quite a lot.

Sorry for the long post!

You never feel gender inequality more than when you have a child.
It's a real kick in the teeth after years of being told that you can have it all and that your (male) partner will do their fair share.

What a load of bollocks.

See the GP, get some antidepressants and enjoy your baby.
Don't be afraid to ask ask your partner to step up. If they can't - then separate - you'll get more time to yourself and you will force your partner to make an effort with the child they made.

Don't feel guilty. You need to be happy to help your child to be happy.

Totally normal OP. My whole world
Was rocked after having a baby. She screamed when I went anywhere in the car. I worried about her feeding. She took hours to fall asleep and I spent forever rocking and patting and loving her. And I was so lonely. I missed adult conversation. I hated baby groups and felt everyone was judging me. I though OH had it easy. I even gave up a career and took an admin part time job instead. I really did grieve for my old life. But here's the thing. Very slowly, especially when I was back to work, I found the new me. Parenthood changes you and there's nothing that can undo that but I promise you will be a better, stronger woman for it. A few things happen over that first year

1. babies change fast. One minute she screams in the car, the next you find she's slept for hours. In babies always remember nothing stays the same for long. This is both good and bad!!
2. stick with those baby groups and you will find that tired happy face of another mother who is in exactly the same place. She will have the same sense of humour as you and you will just click.
3. find a way to get back to work and thoroughly enjoy your freedom to drink coffee without baby puke on your shoulder and the faint waft of 'off milk'.
4. be kind to each other. Whilst I completely agree that men getting to go to work have it far easier, 13 years and another dc down the line I have come to appreciate how dreadful my OH felt. He carried guilt for not being there. Guilt seeing me miserable and emotional and not being able to fix it. He loved me and dc so very much and hated not being able to do more for us. I have. I doubt your OH feels the same
5. be kind to yourself. It's ok to just get through the day. To hate that 'groundhog' feeling. To not get all the chores done or not have dinner on the table or whatever else. That first year can be the pits
6. become very familiar with the phrase 'This too shall pass'
7. try to treasure the little moments. Lay on the sofa with your sleeping baby and watch her content little face while you scroll through mnet or better still rest too.

At the risk of sounding like a cliche, this time that feels so awful and claustrophobic you will actually remember quite fondly and it really does pass in the blink of an eye. In mere moments you baby will be at nursery and you'll be wondering where the time went. Remember you are doing awesome and your feelings are completely normal. None of us gets through this unscathed!!

It gets loads better honestly.
I mourned for my old self and life for years (occasionally still do). If he's not on the boob have a weekend or a night off, go stay with some other child free friends. And maybe go back to work sooner than planned?
I also wouldn't rule out mild pnd, it's different for different people.
3 is a great age but don't panic, it'll steadily get better between now and then!

Don't go to baby groups do what you want to do. They will be happy and stimulated most places. If I had my time again forget about baby groups I would have gone for long walk, gone to every single museum and gallery during the day when it's quieter. We all out this pressure on ourselves.

And thank you for starting this thread. Babies can be boring!! But it's ok and it won't be like that forever but yes that sometimes very boring! Why aren't people more honest! And breathe...

I felt exactly the same and was scared to say anything.
For the first 13 months, I regretted it so much. I would still, 15 months in, go back and not have a child if I could.

I felt like this at 4 months. Some days I feel like it now. It phased in and out of feeling like this and feeling a bit more 'up for it' up until 9 months in when I went back to work. It was the best thing I ever did. I work 3 days a week and find the other 2 days a week difficult. I've considered upping my hours. It's so hard but different things work for different people. I hated mat leave

I completely agree re the baby groups. If they’re not helping you and you’re not enjoying them then try doing something else with that time. I used to take my dd swimming because I’d know that after that (and the palaver of getting her dressed afterwards) I’d feed her and then she’d conk out for a massive sleep during which I’d drink coffee in the cafe and relax a bit. Helped me a lot.

I didn't enjoy it at all until my child was a toddler. Then I found it became a lot more fun. I enjoyed my child but also just enjoyed life. Now she's 9 and life has been brilliant for many years. She's an absolute delight and I can pursue as many of my own interests as I want. So yes, not only does life become easier, it becomes enjoyable again and you remember who you used to be.

Mrsmummy I have a similar age gap with my two (they're 4 and 5 now). I would say that I remember that time well but I honestly think I've blocked the majority of it out! I just remember it being so hard. It gets much, much easier, immeasurably so.

@InDubiousBattle thank you. Right now it all just feels so relentless that I can't even picture a future where things are easier.
I'm glad you've lived to tell the tale!

You don't have to stay at home. Getting out each day for a coffee etc wasn't enough for me so I went back to work at four months with my first and five with my second. They went to nursery as we had no family help (part of the reason I went back). I felt 1000 times better. Stopped bf too so we all slept better. It cost us thousands over the years but saved my sanity, and my DC are now teens, we're all bonded just fine. No regrets.

Loneliness is real. I have never hated my role as a sahm. I have a four and almost two year old. I have gone through stages where the day is just so quiet and repetitive and it has got me down. I sometimes feel so bored when my DD is at school and I'm killing time with my son at home. I never enjoyed the baby group thing. I went with a friend and that's why I liked it but with my son Ive not done it.

It's hard going from someone who could go out, see friends, work etc to someone watching cbeebies and washing clothes.

I find I feel much happier in the spring. Autumn and winter makes me gloomy. I'm hoping when my son starts school in 3 years I can try find a little job to do. I don't get any help with the kids either so it's down to me even when I'm Ill etc. This also means me and my oh never go out which adds to feeling my life is all kids and housework. X

@Mrsmummy90 - sorry you are having such a stressful time with toddler tantrums. Can I share a few things we did that might help? (Not sure what advice you read but this advice worked for us, like a dream.)

1. Pre-empt them. Try to avoid them happening. Toddlers tantrum when they are tired, hungry or frightened that they are losing control in their world.

Make sure she has regular snacks and always give her a choice and as much control as you can muster. (You know the old 'would you like bread sticks, apple, or rice cakes etc - so you are actually controlling what she has by limiting the selection to things you approve of, but giving her an appearance of control and choice.)

1. Always listen and always agree with her, without changing your decisions. This is magic. If she screams: I don't want to go in the car! and you have to get to a clinic appointment for the baby, you say: You don;t do you? You really are upset that we have to go in the car. I don;t want to either. It would be much more fun to stay home. If we could stay home what would you want to do?

Let her tell you. Then say, 'That sounds much more fun. Sadly, we do have to go in the car even though we don't want to because the clinic has to see the baby right now. But let's make it fun. You can choose some music and we can look out for purple lorries. Then when we get home we will (mention the thing she said she'd rather do)

Etc. It's a combination of deflection, suggestion but most importantly recognition that she is upset. If she feels heard, even at that age, the tantrum should lessen. It won't work miracles but it might well reduce them.

And do all the usual new baby and toddler tricks of saying stuff like we can have a biscuit when we get home. Baby can;t. He't just a baby, But you are a big girl, so you can have one. We can watch Peppa (or whatever) when we get home. Baby's too young. He can't understand but we can, can't we? Make it really obvious to her that she;s still on your radar and the baby hasn't caused her to lose her job as The Most Important Person In Your Universe.

@Emily986 my baby is 3 months old and I feel very similar. Love him to death but I am struggling to come to terms with the fact my life will never be the same.

@milliefiori thank you so much for all the advice. I tried some of your suggestions at lunch time and they worked a treat. I managed to get her to eat some pasta and fruit with minimal problems! 😊
I really appreciate it xx