Not the best parents evening

[Mumof21989]

Hi everyone. My daughter started school a month ago. She's 4.5. she did 16 ,months of nursery but only a few hours 13 for a year then only 6 a week . She has always been addicted to drawing pictures and art. At nursery that's what she spent most of her time at the art table making things. She has started school and has continued wanting to be on the art table. We went to her parents evening tonight and they said they think she is struggling with transition. They have asked a support worker for ideas to help her. They have suggested a chart and pictures so she can choose an activity to try next to encourage her off the art table. They said due to being busy at the art table she is abit of a loner as she's not really getting involved with much else.... They also said they are having to repeat things alot to her but she is slowly getting the hang of what colour house she is in and what she needs to do etc. They sort of said she's in fairyland and daydreaming alot too.

At home she is able to write her name now but looking through her work today she is doing it all wrong. They said she can't cut out yet and she needs encouragement with that and holding a pencil properly. They also said she doesn't talk much. She speaks but only a little.

I think alot of it is the lack of experience and all this new stuff that she has never done before. Her nursery was a forestry nursery and it was mainly free play. So now she is having to learn all about registers, work books, lining up, rules and boundaries that are different to nursery. She's in a big play ground and in a slightly stricter setting that nursery.

They did say she is really good and always happy and smiling. I just wish she would mix and chat more and obviously take part more. I will try and do some cutting etc at home with her. Socially we went to baby groups for 6 months then a weekly playgroup for a year. Then she had 8 months at home whilst I had her brother then went to nursery. Every week we saw a boy her age and went to the parks etc with him and his mum. So she has mixed over the last four years.

Please don't think I'm writing this in a rude way but I fear they will start presuming there is something wrong with her or thinking I've not done anything with her. How can I help her be more confident or will it come with time? She's only been at school for a month so she hasn't had long to take it all in yet has she? Other children have though obviously so I'm sad my little girl isn't shining yet.

Any experience or ideas?

I know she is still only 4 but Is this a sign something is not right with her or is she just lacking in experience compared to kids that did more nursery and have more adults in their lives etc? My daughter only has me and her dad. Her dad works long hours so we don't get much time to sit down one on one as I have a toddler too who's awake when she's here.

I always felt guilty about her not doing much nursery but she was ill constantly and our son ended up in hospital as a baby as he could not fight anymore germs off over the last winter. It was a frightening time and I made the decision to cut her hours down to 6 a week and it worked and broke the cycle.

Is any of this a surprise to you? Surely you know her well and should grasp why the teachers are flagging the issues?

You want your daughter to do well and so do the teaching staff, you are both on the same side.

She sounds like a 4 year old adjusting to school you don't need to feel guilty at all extra support is good isn't it ?least they are recognising she is struggling a little bit, if she isn't any further forward by the time she is 5 re assess, when is she 5?

You are feeling paranoid the school won't think you did anything wrong.

She is always happy at school = a good parents evening at her age. Everything else she can learn with time and she will do if she enjoys school. Encourage making friends, talk to her about what she did at school and work on the things they have highlighted.

No one will be judging you, this isn't an awful parents evening just an honest, and common one!

Your DD is still in EYFS and the staff will be aiming for her to reach her early learning goals by the end of the year. This looks at the child as a whole and tries to develop many skills, including social abilities and interests.

Your DD seems happy which is good, she isn't biting others or being disruptive she just needs to feel more comfortable and adventure to other activities and make friends. Seems like school are going to support this which is great.

Don't beat yourself up for any of this!

Fine motor skills take time to develop you can get easy grip pencils so maybe you could get those for her. Practise cutting and threading stuff with her but imo working with her class teachers is the way to go .

"Get her off the art table" - I cannot see any sound reason for doing that. She's a dreamy one - enjoy it - it will change.

Thanks all. Yes I agree the teachers are doing things to help and I have not said anything bad about them or what they are doing. I just feel like she's not giggling and showing her little friends what she is doing etc. It is such early days I will not worry until after Christmas. I am not sure why she daydreams so much. She gets distracted so quickly and always has. She has taken it all well but I have been concerned about her social skills for ages. She either won't speak to she gets over bossy and anxious around me on playdates. I'm sure it is all life skills and she will be ok. It's just other mums have been told how clever and advanced their kids are and my child's not doing that great in any areas yet. I'm still proud of her though and how brave she has been x

My eldest is 26 and was a very "serious" child never really skipped about giggling with friends but she did make friends just she was a bit stand offish. Your DD will be fine just smile and nod at the other mums say that's great they are doing well my Dd is loving school and move on, by the time your toddler goes to school you will not be as anxious honestly

Teachers don’t tell you they are clever and advanced!!

Isle parents just make up the FB posts

You sound like such a lovely caring Mum, your daughter will be just fine I’m sure. I’m a Brit living in Germany and here children start at school in September when they’re 6, meaning the late autumn / winter born children are nearly 7 when they start! Let them be children I say.

My 4.5 yo is in Kindergarten where she she spends most of the day outside digging in mud and looking for nuts to smash open with stones. She’s so happy and still learning a lot. Not sure what they’d make of her in a British school!

If you want some ideas for things you can do at home there is a lovely Instagram account called Five Minute Mum. She’s amazing - a teaching assistant who shows lots of things you can set up in 5 minutes to do with little ones to help with things they’ll go on to learn in school - writing, phonics, counting etc. it’s all done through play so without any pressure.

Also, it’s only October FFS - surely she’s just started? Give it some time!

She’s 4.5 years old - give her a break. She’s done really well to be happy at school. Friendships take time and at 4/5 many children still play alongside rather than with. Ignore what other parents say - who cares what their child is doing (or parents are exaggerating about). She’s daydreams - it’s not the end of the world is it - appreciate her for who she is and don’t go along with the schools insistence on making children into little robots

Thanks all. I will look at the five minute page. I agree so much that they start school too young. They should be allowed to play and be free at this age but sadly they want them to be writing and reading and able to follow rules and instructions all day. It is sad how young they start school in the UK. I've said to my partner three days would be enough at reception age. I will see how she goes. It's just because they have highlighted a few flaws and other than them saying she is happy it felt abit negative. I'm glad you all think she sounds fine. I think she is definitely going to be one of the shy ones x

Surely it's too soon for any of this, when I've started a new job I've always felt it takes me 6 months to settle in?! My Dd started school in Sept too, I am mostly just happy that she's going in happily every morning. I seriously wouldn't worry about the rest of it, it'll come.

I'm not sure of the English school system but does she have to do full days in Reception? We don't have Reception in Scotland so our DC start from 4.6 to 5.4

It's not bad at all.
Lots of 4 year olds are daydreamy.

My son was always outdoors or in the water table and I was never told that it was a bad thing.

What does she do at playtime? I assume that she doesn't have access to art materials? My kids school had an adult who would lead playground games like "What's the time Mr Wolf?"

Many kids in Reception will need some support with social skills. My son was part of a nurture group which was to help with this. He is much more confident since then (got told off for chatting too much yesterday 🙄)

Lots of kids lack the strength for holding a pencil, cutting out etc Practice and she will get better 😊 If you do a search somebody has posted a list of exercises that kids can do to help their writing muscles - it's stuff like threading beads, practicing writing in a tray of shaving foam or using an aqua doodle instead etc

Please please don't worry. I'm sure she will be fine. My DD achieved virtually nothing during her Reception year. By the end of it she could still barely write her name. She doesn't wasn't interested - was happy enough but just not ready for school. Fast forward 15 years and she's at Uni reading English Lit!

Your DD will develop in her own good time I am sure

Thanks again everyone. People do full days in the UK yes... You can start them the term after they are five but I just figured that would make it worse as everyone else will be there.

At lunch she goes into the playground with years 1 and 2. They have climbing frames etc. They said they can't leave her on the art table as she is using up far too much paper etc. Bless her. I know she needs to mingle and do other things but she really does love painting, sticking and drawing. I feel sad for her that she is going to be stopped doing more than one picture a day but I understand she won't make friends and learn much if she's not focused on other areas. The teacher said I can ask her everyday what's she's done after school. I sometimes think she has anxiety as other kids seem so relaxed and chatty and my DD freaks out if I talk to or touch other children. She's very possesive over me. I think she just struggles knowing how to communicate with other kids. She never starts a conversation with others often. A few more months and hopefully she will feel more relaxed. X

There is an after school exhaustion that some kids get where they just feel bleurgh and over stimulated try and not ask her about school directly just pick her up walk her home let her decompress then re word it by asking if she had a nice lunch at school or did she like x y or z but don't bombard her with questions she might just be overwhelmed with the whole school thing.

Don't worry too much. She's happy and trying hard. It does sound as though she might need some help to talk to the other children. I'm sure school are helping with this as it's one of the first things that they do. Maybe get to know some of the other parents and invite one of the other children round to play or go to the park together. Do this at the weekend though or in half term - they're too exhausted after school at the moment.

Ok, I'm going against the flow of the thread, here, but I think you have flagged quite a few areas where your DD is struggling. I think you need to keep an open mind about whether her love of art is actually a restrictive behaviour i.e. that she's avoiding other activities by focusing on art. Is it her daydreaming that means she's not catching on, or is she actually in her own little world? You say she reacts badly to you interacting with other children.

Right now, watching and waiting to see if she develops in those social areas is fine, but be aware that girls are often overlooked for developmental delay, autism, etc., because they are (generally) less boisterous than boys, so their difficulties are less disruptive. I say that as a mother of one girl who went to special school at 4.9, having been diagnosed with SN only at 3, and another girl who has ASD, flagged by me at 3 years old and only diagnosed at 11.

I'm quite sure your DD is beautiful and gorgeous in her dreamy, arty way, but it would do her a disservice if any difficulties were overlooked because she (sounds like she) is passive.

Hi. The thing is I've looked at behavioural problems online. She doesn't display any behaviour that is listed. She makes eye contact, she doesn't mind changes in routine. She has never sorted out toys into certain orders. She doesn't do repetitive things were here hands. She is sympathetic when people fall and cry. She rarely cries unless she is told off.

She is obsessed with art and crafts. That is drawing, cutting, painting, stickers, play dog, kinetic sand. She also likes reading. She also role plays at home and likes to play drs and pretend she is pregnant and push her dolly's around. She likes outdoor play too. Loves mud, running, parks.

I noticed changes in her behaviour after her brother was born. He's 2 in 3 months time. She loves him but had alot of anxiety around others when he was small. She went through a stage of not talking to anyone. I feared she was mute but she soon came back around. With family she won't always speak for an hour to them. But there's friends we see she speaks to right away. I think compared to some children she did alot less nursery and doesn't particularly see the rest of our family.

It seems the norm in alot of kids lives that they have sleep overs and weekends with other family members. Those children seem to have alot more exposure than my kids. She does swimming on Saturdays but is very quiet and day dreamy there too. She loves it though.

I don't know if daydreaming at her age is because there's something not right or if it's normal at her age to find it all abit much 30 hours a week.

Her dad is fine now but had a stammer as a kid and didn't sound like he was very confident or happy at times. He was bullied badly at secondary school too. He's now a good looking guy with lots of friends but is sensitive rather than macho. I am very happy chatting to people at the school gates etc and she sees me happily speaking to other people all the time. So I'm not too sure where her silence comes from.

I hope in a couple of months they say she's ok. The teacher said I could ask the teacher each day what she has done. Sorry I had not written that Clearly.

I do think she is different to other kids and struggles to express herself so stays quiet. I'm more thinking anxiety and shyness than autism etc. Nobody in either side has ever had autism etc and like I have said I've done online tests and read up on it and it's a no for most things..I guess time will tell.

She sounds lovely and I can't see why she can't hang out at the art table for a lot of the day! (Reception teacher here)

You could offer to take some paper and art supplies in if it's using them all up that's the problem 😃

Relax. Watch and wait. School sound like they are observant enough to flag if any behaviours merit further attention. She's happy, try not to worry.

Lougle's post is very good to bare in mind though for anyone who has similar concerns. ASD in girls often isn't anything like that list you looked up. Unfortunately, there are still alot of "Rainman" ideas about ASD hence the huge delay and mis-diagnosis of girls.