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Original poster

Leaving 1 month old with Dad

38 replies

OBLB · 05/10/2019 21:26

Hi, first time here sooo bare with me!!
My 1 month old has really had me through the mill this week, not sleeping, choking and giving me a panic attack! So, OH has suggested I go out with friends for few hours on the weekend. I can’t bring myself to do it. Now the argument rages that I don’t trust him. I just worry as he went back to work a week after we came home from hosp and works 15hr days that he won’t know the difference in her cries, he needs and I find he gets frustrated with her crying and always tries to feed her if she makes any noise! Am I over reacting? Am I unfair?

OP posts:

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bakingdemon · 05/10/2019 21:31

I have a 9 mo so have been where you are quite recently. You need some time to feel like you again. Maybe just three hours or so, enough to have lunch with some friends, or go for a swim, or get your hair done. Your DP will be fine - he needs to learn to spend time with his baby as you do!

frankiefirstyear · 05/10/2019 21:35

Perfectly natural to be concerned about leaving your child! When I leave my child I make sure I can get home when I want to eg. Not relying on lifts/getting taxi etc. I literally just say 'ok I'm off' and go home. It's good he's offering to look after her while you have 'you' time and the anxiety you're feeling will get easier to deal with over time, but it's totally normal and he shouldn't take it personally.

HeddaGarbled · 05/10/2019 21:41

You need the break and he needs the opportunity to bond with his child independently of you. He won’t learn how to care for him/her if you don’t let him try.

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Celebelly · 05/10/2019 21:58

I don't think either of you are BU, really. He needs to learn to care for his child and he can only do that by spending time with her and learning. He might do things differently than you, but if you trusted him enough to have a child with him then you should trust him to be able to keep her alive for three hours.

But if you're not ready to leave her then that's fine too. Maybe you could just stay at home and go do something for yourself like a long bath and then a book while he takes charge with baby. That way he gets time with her to figure things out.

Celebelly · 05/10/2019 22:01

Also the feeding thing is pretty common I think. DP was like this at first, as DD is predominantly BF but has always taken a bottle from the start, so I would leave more than enough expressed milk and it would always be gone in a very short space of time, because he didn't know how to soothe her otherwise and they were getting used to each other. It's also easier for me as boob always soothes her, so I realised that it was actually quite difficult for him as he had to find his own methods, which he did do, but it took time.

Hey1256 · 05/10/2019 22:02

I don't understand these comments. I'm currently pregnant so granted baby isn't here yet and maybe I 'don't understand' but don't get why you can't leave a baby with it's father for a couple of hours.

It's not natural as some posters pointed out, it's attachment beyond what's reasonable IMO. I can see why he would take offence. How about he decided to be sole carer and wouldn't let you look after your own child how would you feel?

So yes, YABU

frankiefirstyear · 05/10/2019 22:04

Celebelly · 05/10/2019 22:05

To be fair, I think you'll find that attachment to a new baby often isn't entirely rational. While logically it's easy to be balanced about it, when you're one month PP, still recovering from birth, hormonal, etc. then it's a different story. It can be a real wrench leaving your baby for the first time, even if you do trust your other half completely. I still found it quite difficult even though I knew she would be totally fine - it's perfectly normal to feel like that. Attachment is a strong thing!

SunshineCake · 05/10/2019 22:07

He will never learn to care for her if he doesn't get the chance but the fact he gets frustrated when his tiny baby cries would have me thinking wtf

Amara123 · 05/10/2019 22:11

I couldn't do it that early, so don't feel bad for not being able to. Post partum hormones often make it physically unbearable to be away from the baby. There's really not a lot you can do to change this feeling (thanks Mother Nature!) and it does go over time.

On the other hand it might be nice for you to go to a friend's house for a coffee or go to a cafe rather than something in the evening. I found my baby was 'easier' earlier in the day so I was less anxious and felt my husband would be better able to cope.

Also very much looking forward to seeing what Hey1256 thinks after she's had her baby...

Celebelly · 05/10/2019 22:13

I found the best way for DP and DD to get time alone where I didn't have to leave the house for hours was for him to take her early at weekends and keep her till I got up. I would put earplugs in and white noise on so if she cried a bit I wouldn't hear and feel compelled to rush through. It meant I got a lie in and he got time with baby where I wasn't breathing down his neck. On the odd occasion she did get too upset for him to soothe, he would just bring her to me, so I felt fine knowing that she was near and if she did get overly distressed, I could help out if DP needed, but I wasn't being overbearing and checking up on him.

He takes her every morning before work too, and spending so much time together since the start really shows now as they have a lovely relationship.

LucaFritz · 05/10/2019 22:17

How is he meant to learn if you don't give him the chance ? He'll be fine alone with her he'll soon learn her cries and ques and know what she wants. She is only a month old so he's as new to all this as you are it'll take time to learn everything

Hey1256 · 05/10/2019 22:19

Also very much looking forward to seeing what Hey1256 thinks after she's had her baby...

I'll keep you posted :)

PixieDustt · 05/10/2019 22:51

@Hey1256 you really have no idea until your baby is here how you will feel.
I think you're forgetting this baby is only one month old so of course the mother is going to feel on edge.
My baby is 3 months and I have not left him yet. My baby still has a bond with his dad and we co parent.
You'll be surprised when your baby is here how your mindset changes and how over protective you become.
Don't judge someone before you have walked in their shoes...

Hey1256 · 05/10/2019 23:06

@PixieDustt I appreciate everyone is different but it's not impossible to leave a baby for a couple of hours (we are not talking not days here) at 1 month old. There ARE women that leave their babies at a month old as difficult as it may be it's most certainly possible.

Each to their own, but that's my view on it.

LucaFritz · 05/10/2019 23:12

Not to mention some women have no choice but to go back to work straight after the birth especially in places like the USA where they don't have maternity leave. Honestly just be glad your child has a dad who wants to be involved and stop been martyrs

Celebelly · 05/10/2019 23:15

But the OP doesn't want to 🤷‍♀️ Which is perfectly normal with a baby that young. I would have thought the same as you pre-baby perhaps, but postpartum isn't like anything I've ever experienced and the physical need to be with my baby is stronger than anything I've experienced. It's an entirely natural reaction - it's literally how we are designed. It's not biologically normal for a mother to be separated from her baby when it's so young, and while rationally and logically we know it's fine, biology is a powerful and compelling thing! And there's no point pressuring a new mother to do something she isn't comfortable with.

One thing I've learned about parenthood is that all the stuff I thought beforehand about how things were going to be and how I was going to be has been utterly irrelevant

LucaFritz · 05/10/2019 23:22

And im sure the baby's dad has the same feelings and need to care for his child parenting is 50-50 not just what the mother wants constantly

Celebelly · 05/10/2019 23:22

And no one should have to just be 'glad' the father of their child wants to be involved. That should be a given. I don't feel grateful that my partner is an involved dad. It's his child too so he bloody well should be. No one is grateful or glad that a mother looks after her child, are they?

There are other ways for him to bond with his baby than making OP feel bad for not wanting to go out without her baby a month after she has given birth. If he is getting frustrated at a tiny baby and in a huff with OP because she understandably doesn't want to go out just yet, then perhaps he needs to reevaluate how supportive he's actually being

Sometimes I think women can be our own worst enemies. Just because women in America have a dysfunctional employment system where they have to put month-old babies into daycare five days a week (which is horrific IMO but that's for another thread) doesn't mean OP has to be ready to leave her own baby when she doesn't have to 🤷‍♀️

Hey1256 · 05/10/2019 23:32

@Celebelly the OP came here asking for opinions. So when we give them why are we being shot down?

Just because it's not the answer you want to hear.

We are all entitled to an opinion and if the OP doesn't like to she shouldn't post. The OP hasn't even complained so I don't know why you're jumping to her defense.

And I'm not taking about extremes of the Us and putting children in daycare full time, we are taking about 2 HOURS. Sorry but it's ridiculous

Blossom28 · 05/10/2019 23:35

@Hey1256 wait until you actually have your baby before judging. Read up on fourth trimester, if you don’t want to leave your baby, don’t.

Celebelly · 05/10/2019 23:37

Because it's an open forum and the whole point of it is to discuss things?

Horehound · 05/10/2019 23:39

Haha @Hey1256 I used to think like you before I had my baby 5 weeks ago.
But now he's here, I really don't like the thought of leaving him, he's still absolutely tiny and needs his mum!
I've managed 1 hour only for the dentist.

Celebelly · 05/10/2019 23:40

The irony of this made me smile though

We are all entitled to an opinion and if the OP doesn't like to she shouldn't post

So when we give them why are we being shot down?

Anyway I'm off to bed

Mamabear500 · 06/10/2019 03:13

It's a mother's instinct to be with their baby. Do not feel like you are being unreasonable

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