Leaving 1 month old with Dad

[OBLB]

Hi, first time here sooo bare with me!!
My 1 month old has really had me through the mill this week, not sleeping, choking and giving me a panic attack! So, OH has suggested I go out with friends for few hours on the weekend. I can’t bring myself to do it. Now the argument rages that I don’t trust him. I just worry as he went back to work a week after we came home from hosp and works 15hr days that he won’t know the difference in her cries, he needs and I find he gets frustrated with her crying and always tries to feed her if she makes any noise! Am I over reacting? Am I unfair?

No way would I have left any of my 3 kids at 1 month old. So don't feel bullied into going out. Other ways for your oh to bond include getting up a little earlier than you, having her while you sort out some washing, you go have a long bath etc etc. You haven't said whether you BF or not....bit if you do for that reason. Alone you should stay with the baby. -- my OH was similarly loving but clueless when ds1 was born (to be honest we both were as our first baby)....but he got used to it and is fantastic and I happily leave all 3 kids with him....😂

@Hey1256 everyone has a right to an opinion, true, but yours isn't even based on anything grounded in fact? Your baby isn't here yet so you have absolutely no idea how you'll feel once your baby is actually here about leaving them. It isn't necessarily about what's logical, there are really powerful hormones at play here which evolutionarily speaking were designed to protect babies by keeping them with their primary caregiver/food source ie mum. Just because that isn't the reality of the society we live in anymore, those hormones haven't gone away. Some people may feel them more strongly than others, some women will feel absolutely fine about leaving their babies from day one, particularly with their other parent. However I'd suggest you back your opinion up with some actual experience before suggesting you just "can't understand" how people like the OP feel.

At that age, I'd let him take charge while I caught up on sleep. Then at least I'm in the house if I'm needed.

At only a month pp it's perfectly normal to not want to leave your baby - those hormones are strong fuckers, they're designed to keep a baby alive! I first left mine with my partner at about five weeks for half an hour, and I felt weird and worried the entire time. It does get easier though, and now at seven months I get a four or five hour break every couple of weeks which I enjoy (though I do check in often!)

As others have said, a good starting point is to let him take charge while you're at home. So you in another room, earphones in, and agreement that he'll bring you the baby if he can't cope but otherwise you're to be left alone. A one month old can be fed on demand if it cries, that's no problem and he will learn other ways to soothe if he spends time with her.

Maybe book an evening out for three months - you should feel better about it by then. And practice first - just nipping to the corner shop felt like a huge deal at first, I felt like part of me was missing! But now it's fine.

I couldn't have left DS at one month old because the physical urge to be with him at all times was so strong it was almost painful to be away from him, much as I desperately needed a break. Nothing to do with trusting DH, who was great with him. But actually I don't think it's true that dads have the same feelings as mothers, especially not in those early months - yes of course they feel protective and loving towards the baby but I don't believe it equates to the huge hormonal and biological attachment that most mums experience.
Either way, it's perfectly normal to want or need a break, it's also perfectly normal not to want to be away from your tiny baby - so while it's good that your OH has offered to look after her while you go out, he shouldn't be pressuring you to do something you're not comfortable with yet.

I have an 8 week old baby. I had to leave him at 3 weeks old while I went to the out of hours clinic to get his prescription for oral thrush. He was breastfed and DH had been involved from day 1 (he's going to be a SAHP and I'm working) but OMFG it was SO hard to leave him. I was worrying all the way back, and when I got in and saw him crying everything else went out of focus and I just went straight to him and started feeding him. It's not rational or logical, it doesn't make any sense, but leaving my newborn is hard.

I wouldn't have even contemplated going out socially before probably this past week or so. If going out isn't going to feel relaxing, maybe wait a couple of weeks, and take some more time to ensure DP is more confident with sorting out the baby. We got it down to "is it nappy, feeding or wind" in that order (because wind always follows feeding), but I'm breastfeeding and those are literally the only three things my baby cries over. My friends' babies cry for other things or in one case, for no known reason, and it sounds like your DP needs to get more experience of the things specific to your baby before you leave him with her by himself.

I think it is good to go out early and keep your social life. It really does not have to be long though, whatever you are comfortable with. But it is healthy to get some time away. (Although here on MN, you will find people who have never even left their teenagers 🤣)

We left our 5 week old with grandparents for a few hours over the weekend. They have been involved since day one though and we tryst them fully. She was very happy whilst we went shopping.

Agree with @TheFatberg use his suggestion and go and take a long bath, relax in another room or get some much needed sleep.

At one month old I couldn’t and wouldn’t want to leave my baby.

Or any thought why don’t you have your friends over to the house I’m sure they would want to see your baby and perhaps he could use that opportunity to take the baby for a walk in the pram.

Don’t feel pressured to do anything you are not comfortable with.

There is no way I could have left dd at 1 month. My hormones were still bananas at that point and I just wouldn’t have relaxed for a millisecond if I wasn’t with her.

I had to go to a v important work meeting when she was 8 weeks and that was a struggle!

YANBU op, in the beginning it’s not it’s so hard because your hormones are telling you that you need to be with baby at all times, and dads do feel left out. Unfortunately mum and baby trump dad’s feelings, especially very early on. Can he take baby for you while you sleep? You’ll still be around, and he still gets time with dd.

Hi OP, what you are feeling is fine and perfectly normal with a one month baby.

However, if you can find a compromise I think this is a nice thing of your partner to offer and a great idea for you to have a short break! Also a brilliant opportunity for some bonding time with daddy. He can't get better at caring for the baby if he doesn't have a chance!

If you don't feel up to a few hours away, how about literally just one hour? Go for a coffee with a couple of friends.

However I'd suggest you back your opinion up with some actual experience before suggesting you just "can't understand" how people like the OP feel.

I'm using fact, I have a mother and sisters that have been able to pop to the shop for an hour when their babies were a month old, because even though there was a biological attachment that made them not feel great about doing it, the bigger picture was that they knew it would be ok.

And makes it harder when they get older to leave them so I don't see that you'd be doing yourself and favours

And makes it harder when they get older to leave them so I don't see that you'd be doing yourself and favours

This isn’t true in the slightest. It gets much, much easier to leave your child as they get older and the hormones calm down. Dd regularly goes to my parent’s for a night now at 2.9 and we both enjoy it. But even 2 hours away from her at a month was unthinkable. Some people don’t feel like that, and that’s fine, but it’s also fine to not want to leave your baby. There’s no right or wrong answer here. Being made to leave your child when you don’t want to isn’t going to do mum or baby any favours.