DS hurt at school

[theworstwife]

Sorry this is long, I don't have anyone really to talk to about this in real life. My son is 4 and has just started reception 3 weeks ago. He has been getting on really well. He is normally a very confident boy but has found this a bit more difficult as most of the children in his class went to the same preschool and are all still playing together - I think he is playing on his own but says he doesn't mind this. We talked about how to make friends etc.

Anyway today at pick up his teacher mentions another boy in his class has intentionally bumped DS's head on the playground. She says he has been spoken to and that was it. It transpires from my son another child told this boy to have a fight with my DS and he then repeatedly slammed his head into the playground. He cried and the boys ran off. He is obviously upset and has been tearful until bedtime. I feel awful that this has happened to him and I wasn't there to protect him. I feel the teacher really minimised what happened and just wanted to scurry back into her classroom as quickly as possible. I am going to talk to the teacher on Monday to check she is fully aware of the circumstances and to keep an eye on this other child. It disturbs me that 4 year olds can be like this - my son has always been a kind and gentle boy as have his friends.

My DS is also having a 5th birthday party - he is really keen to do this even though he doesn't really know anyone. However today he says he doesn't want to invite these two boys. I completely understand this but don't want to be that parent excluding 2 boys out of the whole class - it seems a bad way to start and this incident may be a one off.

I know I'm been over sensitive - I'm struggling a bit anyway with a 5 month old and post natal anxiety, my mum has terminal cancer and I was bullied and excluded myself for years at school and know how painful it is and how that damage lasts and erodes your self esteem.

I'm not going to go into school all guns blazing but I want to know what to do to try and protect my son. What sort of 4 year olds are having fights and slamming others heads into the floor? Also I want some advice about what to do with the party.

Thanks @MerryMarigold - have spoken to the teacher and will be seeing her and the head after school. She was very officious and looked annoyed that I was mentioning it again. I am giving her the benefit of the doubt as she doesn’t have time in the morning - we will see how things go later.

DS didn’t want to go in today for the first time I will mention the friend thing - it’s so unlike him because he was so confident and had lots of friends at preschool. My husband is back today and is equally worried and generally better at diplomacy than me so we’ll both go

My son is 4 too and in reception. Another child accidentally trod on his face coming down the climbing frame and the school treated it with a cold compress and filled in an accident form and rang me. You son's school should have phoned you and completed a form advising you to watch him.on case he got concussion. I'd be speaking to the head.

He has had a few accidents since he started and they have given me little accident slips for these so it almost feels like they haven’t this time intentionally. I really hope he’s had a good day today

hmm, he had a head injury (anything which can raise a bump is classed as a head injury)

so to start with, I would like to know what first aid he received? If you had to first aid him at home, why wasn't that done at school? And where was the accident form.

Then I would be sayign that this seems a bit more extreme and over the top than your usual playgournd bumps and scrapes (by saying that you acknowledge that bumps and scrapes are part of life, so you're not being precious) and I woudl ask if the other boys involved have been dealt with. Obviously you can't ask what they did, but you can say what is going to happen to make sure this doesn't happen again?
I would expect them to have a clear line, so to talk about playground supervision, or some talk times about how we play nicely together (with whole class)

I would deal with those first and then say he is struggling to make friends and ask for some help. It is important that the 2 issues don't get mixed up.

If you are concerned, follwo with an email (this creates paper trail) that says something like:
Thank you for seeing me, just to confirm that we agreed that xx should happen and that yy would be in place and that the teacher is going to look at doing zzz to help ds.

Just out of interest what would you have wanted the teacher to do?

She is probably well aware of the situation and doesn't want to worry you and will monitor very closely. She can't go into detail about the child/punishment that isn't fair. I have been the teacher in the scenario (I did call first though and spent significant time with the parent after school in my classroom) but the perpetrator had SEN and difficult home life that obviously I am not allowed to discuss. It is difficult. I made sure the parent knew things were being put in place though.

Children have the right to be safe but sometimes teachers don't have enough support staff, ratios etc due to cuts and we get the blame.

May not be the case here at all but worth considering.

It's concerning that they didn't give you an accident report, even if it was a pre-printed slip filled in. As it was an injury to your DS's head they should have given you an accident slip and advised what treatment they'd given. I would have expected a cold compress or something at the very least. When you speak to the teacher and Head, let them know you want something in writing, and the incident in their accident book, so that you have your paper trail. Don't let them intimidate you OP. As a parent, I'd also want to know what they do to encourage the youngsters to make friends and play with each other. They also need to be keeping a close eye on the boys who started the fight over the next few days to ensure there is no further altercations.

@Russell19 I would have expected to be informed what had happened as more than a passing comment and an accident/incident form completed. I appreciate the stresses she is under (I am a department lead in the NHS - underfunded and no staff) and I don’t expect to know what has been said or done with the other involved children. I don’t blame the teacher for it happening but I do think she could have handled things better. I really don’t want to be ‘that parent’ but my son is my primary concern.

@theworstwife completely agree with you about the accident note. She should have informed you to monitor for concussion etc for 24 hours. You should definitely ask if it has gone into accident book records and if your child has first aid at all. There's a grey area regarding ice on heads but he should have been checked over definitely.

Hope your meeting goes ok and I hope you didn't take my previous post in the wrong way. I didn't mean to sound defensive, the teacher may just feel very awkward and in a weird way trying to reassure you.

In the meeting definitely raise the accident note, friendship groups (how does the school integrate new starters), ask to see the behaviour policy maybe, and ratio of adults to children, who actually saw the incident and why you weren't called.

@theworstwife do you have a friend who DS can go to play with whilst you are in this meeting with the school?

You really don't want him to overhear anything and you CERTAINLY don't want him dragged in to say things in front of the head and his teacher or to be intimidated into agreeing with them.

Do not be fobbed off. I know you won't.

Head injury with no paperwork? Flag.
Your DS's description? Flag
Head injury with no phone call? Flag
Teacher minimising and then being pissed you dared bring it up again? Flag.

I'm not comfortable with anything you've described.

Not at all @Russell19 I can understand it isn’t the easiest thing to discuss with a parent but unfortunately difficult things still need to be addressed. I am planning to begin the chat around clarifying the details of the incident and first aid/forms completed. And then discuss how it has made him feel and how as a school they are going to try and prevent further issues. As stated above I think the friends thing is a separate problem which we can hopefully touch on. I am trying to not let it taint my opinion of the teacher and go in with an open mind.

@SpaceDinosaur I don’t really and I’ll have baby DD with me. I know what you mean I don’t want him overhearing my concerns and worrying himself or to feel there is something wrong with him and making friendships. If I feel it’s not appropriate for him to hear I will ask if I can do it tomorrow and see if DH can WFH. I am not one to be fobbed off generally (big balls needed at work) but I don’t want either to go in calling the shots and create an atmosphere going forward with the school. This school business is all new to me so I’m trying to tread carefully and diplomatically whilst still having my son’s back

I can be a bit sharp when I’m annoyed so I’m trying to stay calm - deep breathing in the car park with the baby

Good look OP. My eldest has also just started school and I would be gutted if this had happened to him. The way the teacher handled at as well is not great. Hopefully the head will be a bit more proactive.

With regard to the party I would have thought that a smaller party of even say six boys/girls would be more helpful in helping your son to make friends as it won't be so overwhelming. Quality not quantity .

It would also mean that you don't have to worry about not inviting the boys you don't want to invite. I would certainly not invite a boy who "slammed" my son's head onto the playground to his party and would consider it very detrimental to do so.

Your loyalty is with your child. Why would you invite children who have hurt him to a celebration for his birthday, one where he is supposed to feel happy and safe.

There is no time early enough, in my opinion, to learn that if you want people to like you and invite you places you have to be nice to them and not physically abuse them.

The teacher was very keen to deflect all responsibility to the lunch time supervisors. She said an accident form has been completed and first aid given - I’ve asked for a copy of this. She said the boy mainly involved has been ‘sanctioned’ and will be kept an eye on. She asked my DS how many times they had hurt him - in full knowledge it was once I believe in an attempt again to minimise what had happened. I said I think once is enough don’t you? She has stated he is choosing to play on his own - I said this isn’t what he is telling me. She said they are doing activities in class to get to know each other.

The headteacher was busy but I have said I will speak to him tomorrow. On a more depressing note I heard the mother of the main boy involved complaining that ‘some boy’ not from preschool was causing problems for her son and why didn’t they just go to the school with their preschool . Not likely he’s getting much of a telling off at home about what he’s done then!

After I defended the teacher earlier I now think she sounds like an idiot. She's probably off back dating an accident form. She sounds useless. To say he is choosing to play alone after just a few weeks in a new school is absolutely awful.

As for the mum, she obviously thinks her son is a little angel. Would be interesting to know what the teacher said to her and how she put that across. Maybe she minimised it to her too hence her reaction.

Maybe she did. I don’t see how my DS was causing problems other than his head getting in the way of her sons hand. You can’t argue with stupid though so I didn’t say anything to the mum. I have talked to my son again about making friends and we practiced how to start conversations with other children. It’s just so disheartening to see how this has been managed. Hopefully my faith will be restored by the headteacher

You may have a rocky year ahead. Head Teachers can't really compensate however good they are. And to be honest, a good HT is supportive of their staff publicly even if they get a bollocking behind the scenes.

I've put 3 children through primary (last one now y6) and in that time there have been 3 teachers who stood out as not very good. Each of those years was long and hard... For my kids and me, but they all got over it too and I believe something was learned, even if just persistence and an appreciation of good teachers (by far the majority). It's hard when it's Reception but to be honest, any year is difficult.

Oh @theworstwife I feel for you.

When you speak with the head absolutely reiterate your concerns. The fact the teacher couldn't give you a copy of the accident form immediately. The fact you were not contacted for a head injury. These are ofsted flags.

The teacher is quite correct. The behaviour of the children is monitored and moderated by the lunchtime staff whilst she? Has a well deserved "break". However. The in class behaviours of these children which have not been addressed and are what has led to this point have take place and been unaddressed within her classroom.
She was not directly responsible whilst he was hurt but she is indirectly responsible because she has not corrected or challenged these boys behaviours.

Her dragging him in to the conversation was really wrong and unprofessional.

@SpaceDinosaur I think the teacher is in the wrong for many reasons but she has taught these children for 3/4 weeks, it takes longer than that to change aggressive behaviour which potentially has come from home or older siblings.

I do feel a bit despondent dropping him off now although I am being positive to DS. I guess I have to give it a chance to be resolved and see what happens. It is a large infant school with 4 reception classes so if there are further problems he could move to another class - they all have around 24 kids in. I think I am struggling because I had such a hard time with bullying myself at primary and secondary school and I don’t want to transfer my feelings into his experience. At the minute it’s one incident which could have been handled better and he is struggling to make new friends (definitely gets that from me).

I will have a chat to the headteacher and then we will move on and hopefully that will be the end of it. I thanked the little girl and her dad this morning who got a teacher for him when he was hurt. They seemed lovely so he might be friendly with her - he’s much better with girls

Don't worry too much. I was also bullied at school (moved around a lot) and have had concerns with 2 of my kids. They are both the kind of kids who just have very few (1 or 2), very close friends. Dc1 was also bullied in Reception, Y1 and Y5 but is now getting on so well in Secondary (Y9)! Bullying is not tolerated the way it was in our day. My other dc is totally opposite and has very many friends but I try not to make the other children feel like this is 'better' in any way as they are just not built that way. They are much more reserved and have very deep feelings and very open hearts that hurt easily, so I can see why they prefer to love 1 or 2 'safe' friends.

@MerryMarigold you are right that it’s important not to make him feel that having lots of friends is best and what he should do if that’s just not him. It wasn’t me until I was a lot older and more confident and I would have felt shit if my parents had made me feel worse for my social ineptitude. Thank you everyone for your comments - I was feeling v overwhelmed at the weekend and now feel much more positive

On the friends front it is totally normal for reception children to not have close friendships yet. Tbh I'd say it's more the norm than having close friends. I'm a reception teacher and see it all the time. They just play alone or alongside someone because they are still developmentally at an age where they are the centre of everything.