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Original poster

Am I overreacting about my relationship with my in-laws?

51 replies

Kiki92 · 27/09/2019 08:38

Since my partner and I broke up (he walked out never to be seen again 6 months ago) my in-laws and I have remained close. I see them fortnightly with DS (16months). I thought we got along. I thought things were fine. I wanted to maintain a strong relationship with them for my son's sake.

Now, all of a sudden they're being really frosty. It started a couple of months ago. EX-FIL was snappy with me during our meet up and everytime I spoke I was cut off, spoken over, or literally ignored. I just ended up sitting in silence trying my hardest not to cry. This has happened during every meet up since.

We're due to meet up on this coming weekend, so I messaged with a suggestion of what to do, (pumpkin picking, lunch out, and time at the petting farm for my son). They agreed and very bluntly gave me a time to drop my son off. So, I'm assuming that I'm not even invited this time. I work, so my weekend time with DS is sacred to me and he likes having me around when we see family.

I don't know what I've done! I try my hardest with them. Perhaps my ex is filling their heads with rubbish? Or perhaps they've just never liked me. I don't know. I'm just really hurting over this.

How shall I handle this? What would you do? Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Fatshedra · 27/09/2019 10:12

Maybe their DS has a new partner and seeing you will interfere with their relationship

saraclara · 27/09/2019 10:16

The ex having a new relationship doesn't explain them being rude and unpleasant to the OP.

This will only be resolved by OP approaching them and asking what's changed. And also saying that whatever they do this weekend, she will be there, as that's what her child wants.

VeThings · 27/09/2019 10:19

Yes, likely your ex has been on at them.

Could you see them taking good care of DS without you? If so, perhaps it’s time to rein back and let them spend some time with DS alone. They could pick him up from nursery early and give him tea one evening a week or fortnight, or he could spend a morning at theirs once a month at the weekend.

It seems a shame for DS to lose contact with his GPs as your ex is useless. If they do care for him and you trust the way they look after him, I’d look for a way of continuing that contact but limiting the time you spend with them.

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strawberry2017 · 27/09/2019 10:23

Their son is a deadbeat and you kindly tried to maintain there relationship with their grandchild.
If they are going to be behaving badly towards you then you need to walk away. You don't deserve it and your DC shouldn't see you treated this way. Give them chance to explain and change their attitude or tell them to go away. X

Aquamarine1029 · 27/09/2019 10:25

Your ex hasn't seen your child at all?

Windydaysuponus · 27/09/2019 10:31

Beware of giving them unsupervised time with ds. They may seek legal advice to instigate GPS rights along the line. Let ex sort out them seeing ds. Not your circus. Ds won't know the are absent. He will however notice less time with you....you don't owe them. anything op.
Remember they raised a twat.

WestEndWendie · 27/09/2019 10:34

You're not over reacting at all. I'd not be bending over backwards to maintain contact with frosty rude GP either. Their son has treated you and your son appallingly.

I only wish you'd blocked them on social media and don't let them into your private life at all.

Fuck then, find your anger, you are there for your son and you are the most important thing in his life. Put yourself first. I'm sorry you've been treated like this by your ex and his now his parents.

mmgirish · 27/09/2019 10:35

Why don't you ask them directly if there is something wrong? Explain that you're upset at the change in the way they treat you.

TheSunAlsoRises · 27/09/2019 10:39

I wouldn't be giving them unsupervised access at all. It's easy to assume that your Ex has got a new partner and seeing your son without you is a way for the Grandparents to facilitate your ex seeing your son.

BertrandRussell · 27/09/2019 10:40

Ask them. If their son has been telling them you were vile to him that would explain it instantly.

And if it’s one person’s word against another we’re always going to believe our own child.......

Bluntness100 · 27/09/2019 10:47

It’s also damaging for children to see their parent mistreated, or spoken about badly

Of course. But the child has not seen this from the grandparents. So the point is irrelevant on this thread.

katewhinesalot · 27/09/2019 10:47

I wouldn't be happy with leaving him with them unless they are super nice people and will always have his best interests at heart.
They haven't proved this to you.

If circumstances have changed where they feel it necessary to freeze you out, then they should have spoken to you properly and discussed it.

How they've gone about it would be the reason why I would be not continuing the relationship. The child is young. He won't be affected now. As he gets older then he will be affected and they don't sound like super nice people.

CandyLeBonBon · 27/09/2019 10:48

Agreed you need to bite the bullet and ask

TheAlternativeTentacle · 27/09/2019 10:54

I think you need to back off, and definitely not drop off your son.

Who the fuck do they think they are?

LionKingLover · 27/09/2019 10:55

I'd message them and say you'd noticed a change in how they are towards you, and that they seem to dislike you the last few times and you wondered why. Say you'd always thought you got on well and enjoyed seeing them with ds and didn't understand what you had done. And see the response. You deserve to know op x

Apolloanddaphne · 27/09/2019 10:58

I'm guessing your ex has been back in touch with them and is spinning them a line about you.

Didiusfalco · 27/09/2019 10:59

Whilst I applaud your attempts to maintain contact, watching his mother being treated like dirt is not good for your son either. I think you need to be tough with your boundaries. They are welcome to see your son but you set the terms and that includes respect for you. I suspect however that the apple has not fallen far from the tree and they are going to gradually ditch both of you.

CacenCrunch · 27/09/2019 11:04

I would cancel this weekend then leave it up to them to make contact about seeing you again. It sounds like all the effort is on your side. They might be more civil towards you when they realise your not going to jump through hoops for them

saraclara · 27/09/2019 11:04

I'd message them and say you'd noticed a change in how they are towards you, and that they seem to dislike you the last few times and you wondered why.

DON'T MESSAGE!!! Talk to them in person. Seriously, I think 80% of rows between friends and relatives are down to messaging.
As I've said many times on Mumsnet, messaging lacks tone of voice, facial expression and body language. They are vital elements in putting across your feelings accurately and empathetically.

Without them your message can be read in any tone of voice that suits the people who want to misnterpret what you said.
And when they've done that and got thoroughly offended, they can show it to other friends and relatives and get them onside.

Speak into the ether where your words aren't put down in a form that can be looked at and scowled over for the rest of their days. And what's more, in person you can see their facial expression and adapt your words and tone more effectively.

katewhinesalot · 27/09/2019 11:58

I would cancel this weekend then leave it up to them to make contact about seeing you again. It sounds like all the effort is on your side. They might be more civil towards you when they realise your not going to jump through hoops for them

At the very least.

Owwlie · 28/09/2019 12:37

You’re not overreacting, that’s very odd. I agree with others, I bet he has a new girlfriend.

Cancel this weekend, allow contact with your DS BUT not at regular fixed intervals. And not for a certain length of time and no overnight. And a mix of supervised and unsupervised. I’d not allow unsupervised for another 6 months or so, not because they aren’t capable or because of how they’ve treated you (your DD still has a right to know his family) but because you don’t want them getting court ordered contact time. If he’s not already paying maintenance then your ex could use that time as a chance to see his son without paying maintenance! He should be paying maintenance anyway, if he’s not then go through CMS and claim it. But don’t risk them being able to argue for grandparents access and him being able to use that time without taking any real responsibility for his child.

Clitoria · 28/09/2019 13:28

You’re underreacting, well, not reacting at all. Your son shouldn’t be in a tense environment with people treating his mother like scum. No more pandering to your ex boyfriends parents. Tell them they’re welcome to arrange all future contact with your child through their son. Oh, they’re son doesn’t bother parenting his own kid? Shame they resisted such a piece of shit then.

‘Hi NastyTwat, going forward, your contact with my son is to be arranged through ExName.’ Then ignore. It’s their son’s role to facilitate their relationships, if he’s failing to do so, they can take it up with him, none of this is your duty or problem. Children don’t get anything good from being made to spend time with bad people, genes do not matter.

Clitoria · 28/09/2019 13:32

*their son
*raised a

Busy77 · 28/09/2019 14:52

I wouldn't set a pattern at all to contact as if it ends up in court you might have to keep to it (I may be completely wrong about that)

If they can't be nice then I would not let unsupervised contact until your child can tell you what is going on.

If they want to see the child now then why don't they come to you - why should you make all the effort if they are behaving so badly.

Sunshinegirl82 · 28/09/2019 15:23

If it is difficult for your exPIL to maintain the group outings they could have explained and asked how things could be changed to allow contact to continue. There is no excuse for their behaviour (which your DS presumably witnessed?)

Given that on the last few visits your FIL has spoken to you so badly you were nearly in tears I would not be going to the meet up this weekend. Your DS will pick up on the behaviour towards you.

If you are minded to continue to facilitate contact I would let them know that they can meet you at your home (if you are comfortable with that) or at a local soft play or similar for a couple of hours a month/every 6 weeks. I wouldn't allow any unsupervised access until they could explain their previous behaviour towards you and you are assured they would behave appropriately when you weren't there.